[Injecto]

Gangrel, you are right. Personality has a HUGE impact on the way you think and act. I'm working on becoming more relaxed, but it's now taking my two times as much work since the diagnosis of D gave me a huge kick in the groin and laid me down on the floor big time. Don't worry about straying from the topic, that's the nature of a conversation and you brought up serves as a great model to strive to live up to. I can only hope that one day I will be just like that.

Problem is I am and always have been a "forward thinker", planning my future, delaying current pleasures for bigger and greater rewards later in life. Of course, health was just assumed (and necessary) and now my outlook is pretty grim. I can't let that go. I just can't accept that my ticket may be up when I'm 50, or 60, or 70 for that matter. But that's 39 years away now and I no longer see a light at the end of the tunnel. Long complicated story short, I was supposed to be some hot shot accountant, and perhaps become a controller one day for some small company, and finally get the house I wanted, on a property I liked, give my girls and wife what they deserve, and finally get my boat and cottage up north where I can get away from it all. We live a pretty basic boring life, in a very small house. We don't go to the movies, we don't go to restaurants, we've put off big trips and vacations, big purchases etc.. all so that we can afford the schooling until I finally "made it". The formula was simple. Live small now (to save), and live BIG later. But, at diagnosis it all came crashing down HARD and FAST. I just quit my classes and the program. I can't handle it anymore, and I figured, what's the point? I just wasn't meant to have what I've been working towards all these years. It's as if "someone" was giving me a sign to "stop it", and now I've listened (There have been MANY hurdles, and each one got harder, this was just the straw that broke the camel's back).

Maybe that's not the way it "really" is, and maybe it is. I don't know, but right now one thing is clear, that is exactly how it all feels to me.

I know, it all sounds depressing (and it is). I'm not meaning to get all down, and I don't want to stir people up in any negative way as that is NOT my intention. In some weird way I don't always feel completely upset about it. I get by, day by day, some worse than others. This forum helps, in more ways than many of you can imagine, or perhaps you can. The DF and its memebers are a blessing.

(Now I've just let many of you into a very personal side of my life, which is kind of scary to let out in public, not sure if I should have, but I needed to get it out for some reason).