[thomasb]

so naturally i ate 3 of them, went a bit high and took my usual walk to get back down. And since walking stimulates deep thinking(all the great philosophers did it, alot, i hear), i started thinking. Here it is:

i got my diagnosis in the states, in December. at the time i was with a girl who i had left Sweden to be with. I remember that semester to be pretty bad, i was always tired and had no energy for anything else than work, school and barely taking care of myself. We weren't in a really good place either as a couple, had some issues. I didn't really feel anything other then numbness. not a depression though, just, y'know, tired.
Then after i got diagnosed it changed, i started feeling more strongly towards her especially, since she gave me lots of support. It was a bit like coming out of a coma. Not really an unusal reaction though since i had been thorugh a trauma of sorts. but anyway.
Then i went home to sweden to finish my degree, and we eventually broke up. The times before my diagnosis was a huge factor in it, as she didn't feel loved back then. True.

So anyway, looking back, i am suprised that i did as well as i did before diagnosis. I don't know how long i had prediabetes, but the symptoms were there for a long time. I also want to believe that that had a lot to do with us eventually breaking up.

Eh, so now i'm single again, and looking back, i almost feel like it's for the best. My life has changed so much recently cos of this. to the better to, i feel better then i ever have, both mentally and physically. I doubt that i'd have ended up here had i been with her, since i think personal change is easier when you only have yourself to focus on.

So wondering is maybe I have handled this better, and/or ended up in a better state because i went through the first time with the D as a single, rather self-focused individual. I've only had myself to worry about, and have been able to establish new habits and routines, that i've worked hard to make a part of my personality. Downside being that i've not gotten the emotional supports that can be given from someone as intimate as a spouse. Support is always tricky though since sometimes it can be easy to need too much, and use it as a the main tool for handling the issue, relying on it too much.

Part of it is of course wishful thinking, i most surely subconsciously want to think i got something out of this whole breaking up deal as well.

Ah well, just reflecting...