I have started reading your sticky and its a good read,
I have only been half committed for 37 years and wonder why I dont have any major complications except for a bad bout of retinopathy during pregnancy 27 years ago, frozen shoulders, trigger fingers and stiff muscles. I am now 100% committed and feeling great, love seeing my bg's in target and owe my motivation and knowledge in part to the community here at diabetesforums.
Hi Kathryn, thanks for your kind words.
Richard, I want you to know how much I respect and appreciate you. I always read your comments carefully because I know there is wisdom and experience behind them. You have helped me. Thanks.
A few years ago when my son was getting married, we suggested a destination wedding . That way we could keep it small and all enjoy a nice vacation. My future daughter in law informed us that her parents refuse to fly so the destination would have to be within driving distance of Cleveland. We were thinking Hawaii or something exotic, so they ended up getting married in Cleveland. I know some people are just very fearful of flying and traveling to unknown places. I'm not nuts about flying but would rather do that than driving cross the country. Maybe you could convince her to start out with a long weekend somewhere and gradually increase it. What specifically about the travelling scares her? Maybe this is something a third person like your pastor could help you with. She may be using your diabetes as an excuse for something else she is fearful of. I would try to get her to communicate a little with you about it. I know my husband is much more adventureous than I am and wants to go to exotic places. I usually give in to him and in the long run am happy I did.
I won't say anything about marriage and it's management but I would love to meet any of you if you ever travel to Bombay (Mumbai) India.
Grammabear, we send each other emails, so I am going to email you about this.
Deus, balance is ideal, but the scales have tipped in Anita's direction for many years. Can I ask for them to tip in my direction for as many years, to have a balance? I think not. I will suggest we wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. Starting with short trips, and building up to longer ones is good. Several friends have suggested that. Thanks!
Jwags, Anita does have a lot of anxiety when we plan a trip, even when it is going to visit our kids in Atlanta. Planning a trip and telling her a few days before leaving is not a bad idea, but if she does not agree to go then I would have done all that planning for nothing. I might have bought plane tickets too. Hmmm! this might not work.
Thanks Linda! I have posted this on four sites and several people have suggested the same thing you have. Do not take the trip without her, even when meting friends, and do not make it a long trip. I can do that, and if she agrees, that will please me very much.
I don't think I will post this in the forums. I don't admit my own problems/weaknesses very often, although I certainly have them. Lol! I feel rather ashamed to admit my giving in to Anita and staying at home to please her. It makes me seem like a wimp. I have set an image of being strong and having good diabetes control. I have done that for 65 years. I want to maintain that image, and not seem weak. That is why am hiding in the blog section and listening to a few members here. Thanks!
My husband and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary last month. I would be very sad if he went away on a trip w/o me. However I am the one who tends to be a homebody, so I sort of understand where your wife is coming from.
We had a similar situation in our family. One day my son, who was visiting us, sat down with me and said "Do you know that 'Dad' wants to visit his sister"? Yes, I knew that but I was reluctant to go. But after our son returned home I got to thinking about what he said to me. Even though I didn't want to go, we did go and once I was there I had a good time. Would it help your wife if one of your sons spoke with her or maybe a close friend.
If your wife has great anxiety about travelling, would she benefit from anti anxiety medication just for the duration of the trip? It is obvious the two of you care deeply for each other. Life is just too short not to have your dreams come true. I hope you will find a solution for this problem.
I can't really give you advice on handling a marriage but what I have learned in my long-term relationship is that it's a case of compromise. There's a lot of things Alex loves to do that I can't stand and there's lots of things I love to do that she hates.
The trick is balance. Going abroad isn't really something you can do without your wife but it also isn't exactly fair that you don't get to do something you would enjoy just because she doesn't want to go.
I would say you need to find out what her dream is and help her to realise that dream. Once you've done that, you've got a bit more leverage along the lines of "Honey, I helped you achieve your dream, so...." Might not work but it's worth a shot.
The other option might be to wear down her anxiousness. Take a weekend break together - not far away, but get out of your state for a couple of days. Show that being somewhere different for a short time isn't a horrible experience. Then strech it out a bit more - try a week on the other side of the States to where you are. Then maybe a few days in Canada. After that, she might not be a travel nut but at the very least you might have proved that going somewhere else for a bit isn't actually all that bad. Try and tie it in with something she likes doing - if there's a sport she likes playing or watching, or a type of cuisine she likes, or whatever hobbies she has, try and take her somewhere she can experience that.
As for meeting with people you've met online, I wouldn't do that without her. I would find it very strange if my girlfriend upped sticks and went abroad to have lunch with someone she chatted to on a forum. You will need to involve her in that.
Otherwise (tongue slightly in cheek here!) tell her you've got a book tour to do
I think some compromise is needed. Either she has to get over her fear of travel or let you go on your own. My inlaws were very much like you except my FIL was the homebody. He had been in the Airforce and traveled all his life so in retirement he just wanted to stay put. My MIL wanted to travel and discover the world. After he died she went on 2 or 3 trips a year with Elderhostel and other travel groups. She did not mind traveling by herself. Luckily my husband and I both like to travel, we just have to work on finding the funds to do it. This is our last year of kids in college so hopefully we can start saving for travel. I would just sit down with her and get everything out in the open. There has to be a solution. Last year I was a little hesitant to go to Argentina to see our daughter. But once we got there, I forgot about my diabetes, traveled all over the country, hiked in the Andes, traveled to Tierra del Fuego and totally got out of my comfort zone. Maybe you could plan the whole trip without telling her until the last minute, so she can't back out.
I've met a couple of forum members who were visiting our area, and my husband very willingly went along, and seemed to enjoy himself every bit as much as I did even though he's not as much of a people person as I am. In fact, i'd never even consider going alone to meet someone, it just wouldn't be safe.
After all these years of marriage you guys have shared, i'm sure both of you have learned a good deal about how to compromise. Now is just another one of those times. If she wouldn't enjoy a month away, and you wouldn't enjoy a day trip, compromise and have a week long trip where you both are together so she won't worry. You could make these weekly trips a few times throughout the year. That way it wouldn't be too much travel for her and yet you'd still get your wish to fellowship with your forum friends.
As a wife, I certainly wouldn't want my husband going off w/o me on a month long trip, even w/o any health issues as a factor.
Hope you guys can work out a compromise you can both live with. Life is short, and it's sad to have both time and money and not be able to enjoy it.
BTW Richard, why not post this as a regular forum post...might get more traffic that way.
Thanks Tommy! I have many friends on several diabetes websites who would like to meet me. The thing I want most on my trip is to stop along the way and have lunch, or dinner with them. Getting to meet them in person would mean a lot to me. Anita does not know these people and it would be unfait to subject her to that. I want to see the sites too, but meeting friends is my primary objective. It would probably be a one month trip, maybe two. Little short trips would not give me much satisfaction. That is too much to ask of Anita.
She can not stop you from traveling if that is what you want to do.
You can not stop her from worrying.
She needs to let you enjoy traveling. You need to be firm about that.
You need to let her decide if she wants to come with you or stay home.
I agree with you, but going will cause a lot of problems. It would never affect our marriage, we love each other so much, but we would argue endlessly if I go alone, or we go together. I cannot enjoy a vacation under those circumstances.
Your wife is playing the role of mother, but you are playing the role of a child. Wouldn't you both be happier if you were two equal adults in the relationship? Go on vacation. You deserve it.
Keep yourself safe. That is scary stuff. I have passed out at work before not to good of a time.
M Peterson Weight Loss, Diabetes, Healthy Living - Hello Cupcake It's Me!
I always enjoy your writings Richard. You raise a number of scary points: hypo unawareness, car accidents, chronic hypos, and social ignorance. Perhaps you have been chosen to teach your followers. We can all learn leassons from your experiences and maintain a high level of hope that we too can pull through the challenges that face us.