Richard157

I Am A Prisoner In MY Own House

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Richard157
on 10-05-2010 at 11:09 AM (3049 Views)
Anita and I have been married for 46 years. I was a diabetic for 19 years before we were married in 1964. She was only 20 then, and knew nothing about diabetes. I rarely had insulin reactions back then. There was very little known about diabetes care. The monitors for measuring blood sugar levels were not available until the mid 1980s, and there was almost no useful advise given by my doctors. When I became more educated about diabetes, and had a doctor who knew a lot about diabetes, I started using tight control. Along with that control came many insulin reactions (hypos). When the hypos started in the early 1970s Anita was very good about it. She did a great job!!! I praised her every time she brought me out of a hypo.

Anita devoted most of her time to our two sons. Many years later the boys were in high school, and they demanded very little of her time. She was a stay-at-home mom, and had a lot of time on her hands. Later on, the boys went off to college, and I was the center of her attention. She became a chronic worrier about so many things, including my hypos, which were not so frequent at that time. She would feed me glucose tablets when hypos occurred at night.

Fast forward to the new century. Anita is an extremely nervous person, especially concerning my diabetes, even though I have very good control now. She wants me to test every 2 hours, including nights, and once every hour when we are out traveling, shopping, etc. Every time I turn over at night she wakes me up and wants to know if I'm OK. I love her to pieces but she drives me crazy!!! She worries needlessly about my diabetes, even during the daytime.

Anita started to become overprotective after the kids left home. They have been gone for 18 years now. They live in NC and GA and we are in NY. We only see them twice per year. My wife heaps all her mothering on me. I have realized that for some time now, but there is nothing we can do about it. Our marriage is wonderful, and I understand she cannot help being this way. Is it possible to be loved too much? HA!

I started training on my insulin pump in May of 2007. Anita attended all the training sessions with me. She actually said that she thought that I would do much better, and she would not have to worry so much. It was a dream come true to hear her say that! The very next night after she said those words, I had a rather bad hypo. It was the first one since Jan. 5 of that year. She still seemed rather optimistic though. I was encouraged about pumping, and her optimism. I have not had any hypos that required her help since July, 2007. So why is she still worrying as much as ever??? I still have to test every two hours, and nothing has changed, despite the fact that my control is very, very good with no hypos that require her help. Her worrisome ways will never end. I am convinced of that.

After retiring I wanted to travel and see more of our country and Canada. The UK and other European countries were places that really interested me. Anita hates travel and loves staying at home. She even hates flying to Atlanta to see our kids and grandkids but she loves the visit once we get there. I want to travel alone, and am very confident that I would be perfectly safe in doing so. Anita says she will not allow this! If I go, she will go with me, even though she does not want to do so. Enjoying a vacation with her tagging along would be impossible. She would not enjoy it, and we would both be miserable. Staying at home seems to be the only option. This situation is so very frustrating!

I can tolerate Anita mothering me, and worrying about me, but I want to travel. I worked hard for 34 years and we have a nice savings that would permit the travel. The only feasible solution seems to be my running away from home. I would stay away for a few weeks and call her three or four times per day. She would probably, eventually, forgive me. She would be at home with her three cats, where she wants to be. She would be very angry but she would understand, or would she? This escape has occupied my mind for several years. So why don't I do it? My love for Anita is so strong that I cannot do this to her. She would worry so much, and lose sleep at night.

What would you do if you had this problem? It is not fair to me if I stay at home to make her happy, and it is not fair to her for me to take her along, or run away on these dream vacations. We are getting older, and something has to be done about this, but what? <sigh>

We are currently planning a trip to England in 2011. Will it actually happen? I wonder. We have planned trips like this before, but they never happened. Something always comes up, and the trip is canceled.
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Comments

  1. Jillzd's Avatar
    Your wife is playing the role of mother, but you are playing the role of a child. Wouldn't you both be happier if you were two equal adults in the relationship? Go on vacation. You deserve it.
    girlslovetoski likes this.
  2. Richard157's Avatar
    I agree with you, but going will cause a lot of problems. It would never affect our marriage, we love each other so much, but we would argue endlessly if I go alone, or we go together. I cannot enjoy a vacation under those circumstances.
  3. TommyC1's Avatar
    Real simple.
    She can not stop you from traveling if that is what you want to do.
    You can not stop her from worrying.
    She needs to let you enjoy traveling. You need to be firm about that.
    You need to let her decide if she wants to come with you or stay home.
  4. Richard157's Avatar
    Thanks Tommy! I have many friends on several diabetes websites who would like to meet me. The thing I want most on my trip is to stop along the way and have lunch, or dinner with them. Getting to meet them in person would mean a lot to me. Anita does not know these people and it would be unfait to subject her to that. I want to see the sites too, but meeting friends is my primary objective. It would probably be a one month trip, maybe two. Little short trips would not give me much satisfaction. That is too much to ask of Anita.
  5. princesslinda's Avatar
    I've met a couple of forum members who were visiting our area, and my husband very willingly went along, and seemed to enjoy himself every bit as much as I did even though he's not as much of a people person as I am. In fact, i'd never even consider going alone to meet someone, it just wouldn't be safe.

    After all these years of marriage you guys have shared, i'm sure both of you have learned a good deal about how to compromise. Now is just another one of those times. If she wouldn't enjoy a month away, and you wouldn't enjoy a day trip, compromise and have a week long trip where you both are together so she won't worry. You could make these weekly trips a few times throughout the year. That way it wouldn't be too much travel for her and yet you'd still get your wish to fellowship with your forum friends.

    As a wife, I certainly wouldn't want my husband going off w/o me on a month long trip, even w/o any health issues as a factor.

    Hope you guys can work out a compromise you can both live with. Life is short, and it's sad to have both time and money and not be able to enjoy it.

    BTW Richard, why not post this as a regular forum post...might get more traffic that way.
  6. jwags's Avatar
    I think some compromise is needed. Either she has to get over her fear of travel or let you go on your own. My inlaws were very much like you except my FIL was the homebody. He had been in the Airforce and traveled all his life so in retirement he just wanted to stay put. My MIL wanted to travel and discover the world. After he died she went on 2 or 3 trips a year with Elderhostel and other travel groups. She did not mind traveling by herself. Luckily my husband and I both like to travel, we just have to work on finding the funds to do it. This is our last year of kids in college so hopefully we can start saving for travel. I would just sit down with her and get everything out in the open. There has to be a solution. Last year I was a little hesitant to go to Argentina to see our daughter. But once we got there, I forgot about my diabetes, traveled all over the country, hiked in the Andes, traveled to Tierra del Fuego and totally got out of my comfort zone. Maybe you could plan the whole trip without telling her until the last minute, so she can't back out.
  7. DeusXM's Avatar
    I can't really give you advice on handling a marriage but what I have learned in my long-term relationship is that it's a case of compromise. There's a lot of things Alex loves to do that I can't stand and there's lots of things I love to do that she hates.

    The trick is balance. Going abroad isn't really something you can do without your wife but it also isn't exactly fair that you don't get to do something you would enjoy just because she doesn't want to go.

    I would say you need to find out what her dream is and help her to realise that dream. Once you've done that, you've got a bit more leverage along the lines of "Honey, I helped you achieve your dream, so...." Might not work but it's worth a shot.

    The other option might be to wear down her anxiousness. Take a weekend break together - not far away, but get out of your state for a couple of days. Show that being somewhere different for a short time isn't a horrible experience. Then strech it out a bit more - try a week on the other side of the States to where you are. Then maybe a few days in Canada. After that, she might not be a travel nut but at the very least you might have proved that going somewhere else for a bit isn't actually all that bad. Try and tie it in with something she likes doing - if there's a sport she likes playing or watching, or a type of cuisine she likes, or whatever hobbies she has, try and take her somewhere she can experience that.

    As for meeting with people you've met online, I wouldn't do that without her. I would find it very strange if my girlfriend upped sticks and went abroad to have lunch with someone she chatted to on a forum. You will need to involve her in that.

    Otherwise (tongue slightly in cheek here!) tell her you've got a book tour to do
  8. GrammaBear's Avatar
    My husband and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary last month. I would be very sad if he went away on a trip w/o me. However I am the one who tends to be a homebody, so I sort of understand where your wife is coming from.

    We had a similar situation in our family. One day my son, who was visiting us, sat down with me and said "Do you know that 'Dad' wants to visit his sister"? Yes, I knew that but I was reluctant to go. But after our son returned home I got to thinking about what he said to me. Even though I didn't want to go, we did go and once I was there I had a good time. Would it help your wife if one of your sons spoke with her or maybe a close friend.

    If your wife has great anxiety about travelling, would she benefit from anti anxiety medication just for the duration of the trip? It is obvious the two of you care deeply for each other. Life is just too short not to have your dreams come true. I hope you will find a solution for this problem.
  9. Richard157's Avatar
    Thanks Linda! I have posted this on four sites and several people have suggested the same thing you have. Do not take the trip without her, even when meting friends, and do not make it a long trip. I can do that, and if she agrees, that will please me very much.

    I don't think I will post this in the forums. I don't admit my own problems/weaknesses very often, although I certainly have them. Lol! I feel rather ashamed to admit my giving in to Anita and staying at home to please her. It makes me seem like a wimp. I have set an image of being strong and having good diabetes control. I have done that for 65 years. I want to maintain that image, and not seem weak. That is why am hiding in the blog section and listening to a few members here. Thanks!
  10. Richard157's Avatar
    Jwags, Anita does have a lot of anxiety when we plan a trip, even when it is going to visit our kids in Atlanta. Planning a trip and telling her a few days before leaving is not a bad idea, but if she does not agree to go then I would have done all that planning for nothing. I might have bought plane tickets too. Hmmm! this might not work.
  11. Richard157's Avatar
    Deus, balance is ideal, but the scales have tipped in Anita's direction for many years. Can I ask for them to tip in my direction for as many years, to have a balance? I think not. I will suggest we wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. Starting with short trips, and building up to longer ones is good. Several friends have suggested that. Thanks!
  12. Richard157's Avatar
    Grammabear, we send each other emails, so I am going to email you about this.
  13. shyam's Avatar
    I won't say anything about marriage and it's management but I would love to meet any of you if you ever travel to Bombay (Mumbai) India.
  14. jwags's Avatar
    A few years ago when my son was getting married, we suggested a destination wedding . That way we could keep it small and all enjoy a nice vacation. My future daughter in law informed us that her parents refuse to fly so the destination would have to be within driving distance of Cleveland. We were thinking Hawaii or something exotic, so they ended up getting married in Cleveland. I know some people are just very fearful of flying and traveling to unknown places. I'm not nuts about flying but would rather do that than driving cross the country. Maybe you could convince her to start out with a long weekend somewhere and gradually increase it. What specifically about the travelling scares her? Maybe this is something a third person like your pastor could help you with. She may be using your diabetes as an excuse for something else she is fearful of. I would try to get her to communicate a little with you about it. I know my husband is much more adventureous than I am and wants to go to exotic places. I usually give in to him and in the long run am happy I did.