[am1977]

For some reason tongiht, I am feeling down. I love my family and I know they love me, but I feel like I am lacking support from them, especially regarding my Diabetes. They don't understand it and they don't try to and this bothers me. I especially look for support from my mom and I feel like I never get it from her. I have talked to her repeatedly about it, often when I feel like things are getting out of control, telling her that I need to hear something positive from her. I almost feel like I am constantly banging her over the head with this and I know she is tired of hearing this, yet nothing changes. I don't know what to do. I want my mom to take more of a role in my diabetes, I want her to realize that it is a serious illness and I want her to at least try and learn something about it, but I can tell she is resistent. It seems like she wants to have nothing to do with it, of course she denies that, but actions speak louder than words. She says that I always have to bring up Diabetes in every conversation, but doesn't that mean that I am not getting the support I need? I don't understand why she doesn't want to get more involved in this. I sometimes that that if it was one of my sisters, she would care more.

I have metioned this problem on another message board and I have received some suggestions. One of the responses was that I should not try to make them understand, b/c they will never fully understand it unless they go through it themselves. I know that's true, yet at the same time I really want them to understand and to just let it go would not help me. It has also been suggested that I talk to a counselor or therapist about this. I think that might help me deal with some of the anger and frustration I feel in dealing with this sometimes, but that doesn't help in regards to getting my family more involved in what I go through each day. I feel bad for taking out my frustration on my mom especially, but then I think she should want to learn more about this and make an effort to educate herself.

I know this must sound really whiny and like I am wallowing in self-pity, and maybe that's true, but how do I deal with these feelings? Any help or advice is truly appreciated.

[lgvincent]

My family is the same way and I don't know why. My father was especially bad. I would go places with him and he wouldn't stop to eat. I'd have to fight with him telling him I had to have insulin and when I took the insulin I had to eat to avoid insulin shock but it was like talking to a wall. I know once I went with him to Chicago and after fighting got to eat supper one night around 9:00 p.m. and after fighting with him the next morning got to eat breakfast after 11:00 a. m. That doesn't help much in keeping the disease under control. It may have been through fear, wanting to deny having fathered a "defective" son, through ignorance, as if ignoring the disease would mean it didn't exist, or a combination of factors, I don't know. Some people simply refuse to accept reality.

[HeatherP]

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you feel like you need at home. Most people out there don't understand diabetes even though they think they do. And asking them to try to understand is like announcing you're a leper or something. I'm here for you if you'd like, although I realize it's not the same as family.

Look at it this way: At least your mother-in-law who thinks she knows EVERYTHING about nutrition, (who goes to the chiropractor for an adjustment when she's got the flu) isn't writing you letters telling you you're overweight and need to go to weight watchers or jenny craig.

Take care, and try to find the humor in other people's ignorance,
HeatherP

[mg_2204]

... Support is the wind beneath our wings!

I will give you the view point of a mother...

Perhaps (just perhaps) your mother feels responsible for your diabetes? Giving you full support and getting involved probably means to acknowledge she is to blame too? But it's not her fault of course! But you know how mothers are...

Perhaps it's hard for her to face the facts. Perhaps it's a constant reminder? After all, we want the very best for our children. We want them to be happy! As a mother, I feel responsible for so many things. I always feel I am to blame for this or for that. Can't help it really.

Sometimes people are more receptive when they sit down and read a letter. So my suggestion to you is... : how about writing to her? How about telling her how you feel... and what you expect from her? Nothing wrong in telling people what you want and expect from them. Would be a great opportunity to tell her how much you love her, and more importantly how much it means to you she gets involved in your life (after all, diabetes is just a part of your life). We mothers like to think we are perfect but sometimes our children must spell it out for us.

My older son (21) has ADD. I've gone to great lenghts to help him in school. I did everything I could and to the best of my knowledge. When he turned 18, he told me a few things I could have done and others I could have done differently. Sometimes he felt I just wasn't there for him. ACK! What a blow!!! It came as a total surprise. I was devastated. But I'm glad he told me. I'm glad he told me how HE feels I give him my full support. And yes, I feel it's my fault he has ADD. I feel responsible. It's not always easy you know to cope with that kind of guilt. Of course my son says it's stupid to think it's my fault. But I do anyway. Mothers!!!!

And I'm still not the perfect mother. Sometimes I get it wrong. Terribly wrong my 13 y/o daughter would tell you!

And as a T2, I will confide that... I don't always get the support I need. The way **I** need it anyway! I'd like my husband to know everything about diabetes. I don't need 15 people's support, just one. Ah well...

A great big hug to you,

Marie

[am1977]

Thanks, Ig, Heather, and Marie. I think you all made some good points and it helps me to see that I am not the only one who feels this way.

IG, I don't know why it is so hard to get support sometimes. My mom often says to me, "I don't think there is anything I can do to help you" and I always tell her that all I need from her is some emotional support and reassurance from her. I think she feels that is being needy and that this is something I need to handle my self. It would really make me feel better to see her learn something about it and get more involved. I'm sure you feel the same way. Maybe this is something I am just going to have to learn how to deal with on my own emotionally as well as all the other ways too.

Heather, I'm sorry that your Mother-in-law gives you such a hard time. She should understand that you are doing the best you can and back off. Maybe she feels like she is helping you in a way, but I'm sure you want her to leave you alone. My mom doesn't give me a hard time about it, it's just like she wants nothing to do with it. I DO feel like a leper when I try to ask for support from her and then I feel like I shouldn't need to do that and that angers and frustrates me. You wouldn't believe how many arguments I've had with her about this! Something in me needs for her to understand all this

Marie, your perspective reallly did make sense to me. My mom often feels like she gets blamed for everything and maybe when I discuss this with her, she feels like I am blaming her for this, which of course is not the case-it's not her fault. But I must admit that she does take the most grief from people in my family, for some reason. It's strange, mothers always seem to be given all the blame and are at fault for things that often have nothing to do with them, which isn't fair. I don't know why that is. My mom has not had it easy with my sisters and myself. We are all a highly emotional group and I do think she does get treated unfairly at times, which I feel terrible about. I think it's great that you are taking such a hand in helping your son. I'm sure he appreciates it more than you know. As far as your daughter goes, I think she is at a tough age and she will become more understanding and grateful for everything you have done for her as she gets older. I am going to try and write my mom a letter, I think that's a good idea and hopefully it will help things.

Thanks again everyone for responding!

[kcwinter]

I agree with mg 200 percent. I love the idea about a letter.

[Shalyndria]

You neither sound whiny nor self-pitying Andrea. You just sound like you want someone who cares about you to listen.
It's called sympathy and I think that you're within your rights to expect your mother to sympathize with your feelings. But of course just because we feel a certain way about something doesn't mean the people around us will. In that case, I think that Marie's suggestion is excellent. And I wish you the best of luck with it

Keep us in the loop and let us know how it turns out. It's so great to be able to talk to other Diabetics who are completely empathetic to our situation

Keep smiling and be well!
Shy

[Deager]

Am1977,

It seems to me that your family and especially your Mom is in denial about your diabetes. As long as they don't think about it, you don't have it. And when you put it in their faces, they are just annoyed that you are interupting the view of their limited world.

I think everyone here has offered good advice and good reasons why your Mom is so resistant. Denial, feeling like your diabetes is her fault, etc. Her excuses to you, that you are whiny or feeling needy, etc.....are just ways she keeps you at arms length. You may not ever get through her personal feelings about your diabetes and you need to come to terms with it. You said one of the options someone mentioned was a therapist and I back that 150%. No, the therapist won't help you get your family involved with your diabetic life, but he/she will help you understand their resistance and help you accept it, and perhaps suggest ways that would be successful in getting the support you need. Amazingly enough, once you reach the point that you don't care if your family cares or not, they may surprise you by doing just that. I know it sounds crazy, but stranger things have happened. There have been times I feel like I've beaten my head against the wall and gotten nowhere with whatever the problem was. Then when I gave up, things turned around. Your problem is more serious than my weak example, but the principle is the same. I think a therapist could help you a great deal and I hope you can see one. They are expensive and that is a real shame because a lot of people could be helped if they could afford to see one.

If you can see one, and you do, and you don't like him/her, don't be afraid to try another one. It is the same with any kind of doc....if you don't like 'm.....change 'm.

Til then, I hope you will get at least some of the support you need in this and other forums. It helps a so much to talk to people who know what you are going thru with this disease.

Good luck.....

Diane

[am1977]

Kat, Shy, and Diane... Thanks for some truly excellent advice. It really is so nice of you to be so supportive of me here, I must say I really could use the support.

Kat, I also think writing the letter is a good idea. I can get my words down on paper, let out some of the stress I feel at times, and let my emotions be known to my mother w/o becoming too emotional, if that makes any sense.

Shy, thanks for your support and empathy. I really do appreciate you being so nice to me. I do feel that it shouldn't be a big deal for my mom to be supportive of me and to be a little sympathetic as well, but I know that can't be forced or that just isn't genuine and won't make me feel any better. I'll let you know how things go.

Diane, wow, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think my mom does NOT want to take this on and she does want to keep me(and/or my Diabetes) at arms length. As much as that bothers me, I think I need to face the truth. YOu are right, she probably will never truly express her feelings about my diabetes, but I guess that's something I wish she would do. I must be honest in that I do think I can be a little needy sometimes and a little whiny, if I said I wasn't I'd be lying. But in my mind, that just means that I am lacking something, and the thing that sticks out to me is having her be part of my support system. I have thought about therapy, and I am seriously considering it. I feel like I need to find better ways to cope with this illness, especially when times get rough or out of control. I seem to fall apart when those things happen. And I think that maybe once I do deal with these issues, who knows, things might change a little for the better. I will definitely keep you updated on how things go.

Thanks again so much for all your words of encouragement and "support", ok I think I have used this word way too much, I don't think even I can stand to hear it again, lol. I will let you know how things go.

[Eri's mom]

Hi Am1977...
Wow...I wish my daughter would talk to me about her diabetes. She fights me tooth and nail on it...and I'm just tyring to help. Watching and counting what she eats, watching her sugar, having to (sometimes) literally hold her down to take her sugar(but she can care less about the shots)...UGH....I wish she was more concerned about it like you are. She gets angry at me for talking to her about it(she's 10, will be 11 in August)...and now that she is going to middle school, she's even more adament that we DON'T talk about it.

I wish I had words of advice to give you. We're at totally opposite sides of this whole thing...you want help and my daughter doesn't. If only there was a happy medium, right?

I do have to agree, that sometimes parents do feel guilty for their children's illnesses. I feel guilty about Eri having diabetes and for my son having such severe asthma and allergies.

Hoping your family gets more involved and wants to learn and help more...and be there to listen to you and understand what you are going through.

I think Eri get's mad that even my mom and dad and stepdad are so aware of what she eats, and are so concerned about her sugars, etc.(Her dad's family has NOTHING to do w/ her b/c she is a diabetic...and they have even told her that to her face...so maybe that has SOMETHING to do w/ her attitude).

Good luck!!!

[mg_2204]

... Eri's mom, has to do with her age too I guess. They seek independance from us (normal!). Children will not listen or not care especially if something makes them feel a bit different from their peers. They don't want to stick out from the crowd like a sore thumb.

There was a very interesting thread about this, written by Jon 'My Kid is Driving Me Crazy!' - In the 'Parents' section. You might want to take a look at it? http://www.diabetesforums.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1483

Not always easy to be a parent... one **** of a job... but loving every minute of it.

Marie

[am1977]

Hey Eri's Mom! and Everyone!

Thanks for writing. I agree with Marie, I think it does have to do with her age. Like she said, no one at the age wants to be different from their friends or peers. I'm pretty sure I would have been the same way at that age... all you really want is to fit in. I'm sure as she matures she will learn how important taking care of herself is.

It is funny how our situations are so different. I would like for my mom to say, "Andrea, please take care of yourself" or "Andrea, I just read this about Diabetes..." etc. But I fear that's not going to happen. Maybe I have to learn to live with that possibility. I know that right now, Eri seems like she want's you to leave her alone, but deep down she knows how deeply you care about her. You are only trying to look out for her well being and I think one day she will thank you for that. I actually read something out of a book once. It mentioned that the diabetic's family usually reacts in one of two ways( of course there are exceptions to the rule), either the family becomes overly involved and become like the diabetic police or they resist taking any part in the family member's diabetes management. I guess it is hard to find just the right role, I wish there was a happy medium. But I think that your involvement only shows that you care and she will see that eventually.

An update for everyone:
Tonight I had a discussion with my Mom. It first sounded like we were going to argue yet again, but then we both got a hold of ourselves and we managed to have a good talk. She reiterated how she feels dragged down everytime i discuss my diabetes and how she feels like she can't take on the stress. I said how do you think I feel when things get out of control or overwhelming, it becomes so stressful to me. She also told me that she thinks it's unfair that I constantly come to her about this and I said I think it's unfair that I never seem to get the support I need. Finally, I said to her that I would agree to try to stop badgering her about it all the time, if she would agree to try to be a little more supportive and take more of a role in my diabetes. To be honest, I don't know if anything is going to change, but I guess that remains to be seen.

Thanks again, everyone, for EVERYTHING! I really am grateful to you all!

[Shalyndria]

Sounds like you had a positive confrontation with your mom Andrea. That's great! No matter what the outcome of your discussion, you've stated your case and made your feelings clear so the ball is in her court. But you've done what you can

No thanks required; anything we can do for you is our pleasure You're a great person who deserves the very best.

Shy

[HeatherP]

You know what? If my mom was still around I would probably bug her about having me when she knew diabetes ran in her family. So help me GOD, I'd have lit into her had she still been alive. The gene stops with me. Your mom probably doesn't want to be blamed in any way, shape, or form, whereas lies any guilt she may feel. Diabetes is such a curse. Your mom probably doesn't want the responsibility or any of the guilt.

I hope you're able to reconcile (both of your) feelings,
HeatherP

[mg_2204]

... well at least you've talked --

I want to say that every time someone vents, even if sometimes the issue isn't a problem in my own life, I get all the good benefits from all your posts. Your wisdom and friendliness and compassion and understanding is quite amazing. Refreshing to feel the love like this. Therapeutic in many respects! You guys don't know it but by helping someone, you help so many others too.

Group hug!

Marie