Is this normal?

[bdelatte]

So ever since I have gotten my life under control with my diabetes (a little over a year now) I have really been looking back on the first 11 years of my diabetes life and it really saddens me to see how little knowledge I had about the disease and how I didn't take care of myself at all. I remember my wedding day and remember feeling like complete **** b/c my blood sugar was high, not sure how high b/c i didnt check it but when I think back to that day i get very sad and angry with myself bc i could have probably had a much better day if I felt good and not like that. I also reflect on all the other times i felt like **** and couldnt enjoy things bc i was stupid, as well as get sad over what i was doing to myself and my body. I now feel like I have a complete fear of having high blood glucose levels b/c i did for so long. anytime it goes high i get so mad and frustrated and think I won't live long b/c of that ONE result. I am now at a 6.0% A1C which i have worked very hard for and very proud of it but do others have a fear and get so frustrated when they go high or is it just me? I feel like my past mistakes are making it harder to deal with nonperfection now. Sorry for the rant just wondering if anyone else feels this way?? Thanks for reading me whine

[linda505]

Hi - I didn't know I had diabetes until March 1st of this year but I understand what you are saying. I also think back on how bad I was feeling and how much I missed out on because I didn't feel well. I thought it was menopause and just getting older - now I know - it was sugar. I also get upset when my sugar isn't where I want it to be - but it doesn't last long - being upset. You are doing great maintaining an A1C of 6 and you need to let go of the past - what is done is done - can't change it - but you sure can focus on good things in your future and pat yourself on the back daily for working so hard - think of all those who just don't.

[Determination]

Hi bdelatte, I know it's easier said than done, but try not to kick yourself for the past and instead, give yourself a major pat on the back for taking charge and doing your best to stabilize your bg in the present day. It sounds like you're really taking charge nowadays and that is fantastic. I was recently dx Type II, so I don't have a lot to contribute except... that I am in a similar boat in that I keep getting mad at myself for not having learned more about type II diabetes after I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes 7 years ago. I went low carb back then and lost nearly 50 lbs of body fat (I say it that way because I gained a lot of muscle mass - I'm still heavier than I should be) and my bg levels and A1cs would then all come back "normal" (I never thought to ask for specific numbers). I felt "cured" and as the years went on and each annual physical (until this one) confirmed my bg was ok, I gradually stopped eating and working out as carefully as I had been seven years ago. So, I'm now wanting to kicking myself for not sticking to my good habits of seven years ago and want to get mad at myself for not learning more when I could have and being proactive. I need to remind myself to forget about my mistakes of the last few years and focus upon the "now" which I can control. Take good care and know that you aren't alone.

[Peggy_TX]

Normal? Yes. Good for you? Well.. can stressing ever be really GOOD for you??
I just tested. 128 an hour after lunch.
But I went out with friends and had an amazing salad at a great vietnamese restaurant (they basically take their "noodle bowl" and put the ingredients over salad instead of noodles if you ask!!)
Would I be happy with 128 after lunch every day? No...
Is it going to hurt me? (should I take insulin?) For ME, the answer is no. I just don't see that as far enough outside "standard operating design" to care about.
In the end, *I* think that stressing about the details would be way worse for me.
Others are going to vary in their decision.
(note that the ONLY reason I tested 1-hour after lunch is that it's not a typical meal for me and want to make sure I'd be comfortable eating it again. If I ate the same thing again, I might not even test)

[Jan74br]

I struggle with wanting to be perfect - and of course, not achieving being even ok, much less perfect - daily as well. In your case, it is the first 11 years; in my case, it is because I feel I wasn't given a fighting chance to have this disease without complications. I was diagnosed too late, and a few days after I woke up and they told me I had T1 - which was hard enough to deal with - they also told me I already had complications. So I feel the same pressure you feel to make up for "lost time" in spite of not having reached my 4th month diabetes anniversary yet, which is crazy. I know I've done progress, but if I have a single day of imperfect numbers, I beat myself up for it and think "It is your fault you have complications. You can't even control your diabetes".

[TeddySue]

This is 12 years for me. I was never even interested in the facts about diabetes, just so long as I took the pills and the A1C was good... then came the day of reckoning and I KNEW what I had done. I had the proverbial "world by the tail with a downward pull" and let it all slip away. And now, 100 pounds later I am becoming an "expert" (LOL) on diabetes in order to save my life. It DOES work! We CAN make a difference in our own lives. Do I feel defeated whenever a number is higher than I want it to be? YEP! But then again, it can be fixed with time and knowledge. Knowledge is a powerful thing for diabetics and there are enough of us here to support each other with more and more knowledge. Just consider that after years of mistakes we are still here, searching for a better way.
TS

[Jan B]

Congratulations on that great A1c! Just think about all we deal with . . . endlessly - having to account for every single carbohydrate that goes into our body. It's a lot to deal with. I often try and minimize our disease, because there are much worse diseases out there. But, just think about food in general and how non-diabetics can eat whatever, and their body just does its thing - no problem. It almost makes me sad just thinking about the forever burden and vigilance we must keep. It's no wonder you didn't want to lose your freedom. I didn't either, and I'm probably in worse shape for non-compliance for so long. But what's done is done, and we should all be kind and patient with ourselves. Just remember, one bad number means VERY little. It's the pattern of caring about ourselves like a best friend, with compassion, for the long term, that is going to make a difference.

[Jan B]

I struggle with wanting to be perfect - and of course, not achieving being even ok, much less perfect - daily as well. In your case, it is the first 11 years; in my case, it is because I feel I wasn't given a fighting chance to have this disease without complications. I was diagnosed too late, and a few days after I woke up and they told me I had T1 - which was hard enough to deal with - they also told me I already had complications. So I feel the same pressure you feel to make up for "lost time" in spite of not having reached my 4th month diabetes anniversary yet, which is crazy. I know I've done progress, but if I have a single day of imperfect numbers, I beat myself up for it and think "It is your fault you have complications. You can't even control your diabetes".

You better quit beating yourself up! Be good to you! Controlling isn't the same as perfection. Seeking to be perfect is a pretty good goal, because that means you are going to do well and be closer to perfect for trying. But being perfect is absolutely impossible. We can try, but we need to tell ourselves it's impossible to be perfect. Perfect would be not having diabetes at all. Your post made me sad for you. It sounds like you were a very sick person before finally being diagnosed. We just have to make the best of what we have & I KNOW it's a lot easier to say than act on. I'm glad you found the forums. You really are new at this. Hugs to you.

[Jan74br]

You better quit beating yourself up! Be good to you! Controlling isn't the same as perfection. Seeking to be perfect is a pretty good goal, because that means you are going to do well and be closer to perfect for trying. But being perfect is absolutely impossible. We can try, but we need to tell ourselves it's impossible to be perfect. Perfect would be not having diabetes at all. Your post made me sad for you. It sounds like you were a very sick person before finally being diagnosed. We just have to make the best of what we have & I KNOW it's a lot easier to say than act on. I'm glad you found the forums. You really are new at this. Hugs to you.

Thanks. Oddly enough I only had symptoms for 10 days before diagnosis, so it was not a typical diabetes presentation. I was literally exercising 10 days before going into a coma. I didn't get up to pee a ton of times at night, I didn't feel tired, I didn't lose tons of weight, I didn't drink tons of water. I went from feeling healthy to DKA symptoms, which is an "abnormal presentation" - but then again, according to one endo I saw, when you have other autoimmune diseases, the ones after the first never present typically, cause there is a lot of other stuff going on. I've managed to stop beating myself up for "missing that I had diabetes", but I still basically blame myself for every imperfection after I left the hospital.

[Hammer]

So ever since I have gotten my life under control with my diabetes (a little over a year now) I have really been looking back on the first 11 years of my diabetes life and it really saddens me to see how little knowledge I had about the disease and how I didn't take care of myself at all. I remember my wedding day and remember feeling like complete **** b/c my blood sugar was high, not sure how high b/c i didnt check it but when I think back to that day i get very sad and angry with myself bc i could have probably had a much better day if I felt good and not like that. I also reflect on all the other times i felt like **** and couldnt enjoy things bc i was stupid, as well as get sad over what i was doing to myself and my body. I now feel like I have a complete fear of having high blood glucose levels b/c i did for so long. anytime it goes high i get so mad and frustrated and think I won't live long b/c of that ONE result. I am now at a 6.0% A1C which i have worked very hard for and very proud of it but do others have a fear and get so frustrated when they go high or is it just me? I feel like my past mistakes are making it harder to deal with nonperfection now. Sorry for the rant just wondering if anyone else feels this way?? Thanks for reading me whine

As the others have said, don't beat yourself up over this. You have to stop thinking about what you didn't do and start thinking about what you are now doing and what great improvements you have made. You are doing so much better now, and that in itself is a big accomplishment. Congratulate yourself for your achievements, don't condemn yourself for your failures, because you learned from your failures to help you achieve your accomplishments. You are a much wiser person today because you know what you failed to do in the past, and what you are now doing to correct that. THAT is a success story in and of itself, so start thinking how far you have come with your diabetes control and how much better off you are now because you took the bull by the horns and tamed it. YOU are the reason that your BG control is so much better, so you are the one who deserves praise for that feat.

[Hammer]

Thanks. Oddly enough I only hnad symptoms for 10 days before diagnosis, so it was not a typical diabetes presentation. I was literally exercising 10 days before going into a coma. I didn't get up to pee a ton of times at night, I didn't feel tired, I didn't lose tons of weight, I didn't drink tons of water. I went from feeling healthy to DKA symptoms, which is an "abnormal presentation" - but then again, according to one endo I saw, when you have other autoimmune diseases, the ones after the first never present typically, cause there is a lot of other stuff going on. I've managed to stop beating myself up for "missing that I had diabetes", but I still basically blame myself for every imperfection after I left the hospital.

Jan, when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, my doctor put me on oral drugs....metformin, them metformin XR (extended release), then Starlix, then Amaryl, glipizide, prandin, you name it, and he tried it. They all upset my stomach so much that I stopped taking them and refused to take any more oral drugs. I went 5 years without taking anything for my diabetes. I resigned myself to the fact that diabetes was going to kill me and I didn't care. I even stopped taking my blood pressure meds since I figured I was going to die anyway, so why bother?

If his nurse hadn't suggested Lantus, I would still be taking no meds....or I'd be dead. Once I started taking Lantus, my doctor suggested Novolog, so I began taking that also. By using the two types of insulin, I have been able to control my BG levels with very good precision....more so than I thought was possible. The thing is, I never had any symptoms of diabetes.....ever. I was never thirsty, I never urinated excessively, I never felt bad....nothing. The one thing that I did feel for a while was very tired, but I wasn't diagnosed then, and that tired feeling went away 6 months before I was diagnosed. Other than that, I felt fine the whole time.....even for those 5 years when I didn't take anything.

Now with insulin, I am able to keep my BG levels exactly where I want them. I realize that this might not be possible for all diabetics, so what I am able to do with insulin might not be what someone else can do with insulin. Just last night, I decided to buy a bag of potato chips. I haven't had potato chips in over two years, but I was in the mood for them and I wanted to see what they would do to my BG numbers, so I bought a large bag of them. Last night I ate half the bag (about 7 ounces). I took my insulin before I ate them, so I wasn't worried about what my BG numbers would be. When I tested, I found that I only went up to 120....and that included a few spoonfuls of peanut butter.

As a person who watches his weight, I know that I can't splurge like this very often.....and I won't, but knowing that I can if I use the correct amount of insulin makes me feel like I am not a food prisoner of my diabetes, but in fact, I can eat whatever I want from time to time and still be in control of my BG levels. Fortunately for me, I am happy eating foods that are diabetic friendly, so that is what I typically eat. It's just nice to know that if I want to eat something that isn't diabetic friendly, I can. Maybe next year I might break down and eat a slice or two of pizza since it's been two years since I've had pizza.....then again, I might just stick to my salads since I love salads and vegetables.

[jbmacomber]

Join the club bdelette, as everyone else is saying seems we all feel the same way at times, and do have to stop beating ourselves up. Like teddysue I knew I had diabetes but never went beyond listening to my Dr. saying everything was good. So I frequently kick myself for letting it get this far.

I am so sorry for you finding out so late jan74br, and all the loss you have endured because of it. But we can't be perfect, and I think we need to just do our best, and pick ourselves up after we mess up and keep going. I read somewhere, maybe even on here, that having diabetes is like having a full time ob, except you never get a day off or vacation or retire. But, praise God, we do live in a time where there is help, we can educate ourselves, and have forums like these for support from others in the same boat.

I love a quote from Anne of Green Gables, where she said,"today is a new day, without any mistakes in it". It helps in forgiving myself on my less than perfect days.

[jbmacomber]

Hammer I just read your post, I too had problems with every kind of oral drugs, and insulin is working a minor miracle! It does allow you to sometimes be "normal", without taking advantage of it and going overboard.