[Steff]

Hi all. My boyfriend of four years is diabetic (type 2). We have known each other for over 20 years. I am 35, he is 40. He developed his diabetes about 8 years ago and really didn't address it right away. Thus, he suffered severe damage by the time it was addressed. He is now taking 1-2 insulin shots per day and his sugar levels are all over the place. He hasn't seen a doc in over 2 years. Our relationship was kind of casual and off/on for the first 2.5 years...so I didn't have much insight into his eating habits and how he cared for himself. But, I knew that sex was close to impossible due to his erectile dysfunction. We never discussed it and after a sexual experience he would disappear for weeks or even months...which I took personally. It wasn't until recently that I understood that he really loves me and was running away from the feelings of shame about the sex. Anyway, we have (in the last six months) gotten very serious in our relationship (to the point where marriage is discussed and probable) and our sex life has dramatically improved. He can now maintain enough of an erection to have lasting, wonderful sex that is truly satisfying to me. BUT, he has frequent episodes of his sugar dropping during sex and he has to stop in the middle to go down to the kitchen for a sugar fix. We still don't discuss the erectile dysfunction, but I feel so bad because he has finally cured himself somehow of the ED and now he is dealing with the sugar crashes. He also eats very poorly unless I am at his house to cook for him. But, he'll just as soon have a donut for dinner....he is a sweet-a-holic....and this scares me to death. No medical care, bad diet, out of control sugar levels......how do I address this with him without being too pushy or imposing myself too much on his lifestyle choices? One part of me says hey, if he doesn't care I can't kill myself trying to make him. But, I'm just not willing to give up so easily on a good, long life with him. It seems like he has given up on himself and he has often said that he dosn't expect to live another 15 years. I am a real take charge kind of girl and would love to find a good endo, schedule a visit and say "let's go". But, should I? I would like feedback from anyone. I do really love him and am just frustrated with his lack of interest in managing his situation.

[snydermom]

Jeeze Steff ... I got flashbacks and the shivers reading that! I can't imagine what it took you to hit the Submit button!!!!! I've dealt with alot of what you're going thro now but my husband is much older.

First off - I think you'd better prepare yourself to have a few serious discussions with this man. What HE'S telling you does NOT make sense.

I don't know about the sugar drops. I'm still in the learning process myself and wouldn't begin to try and give advice. Hopefully, there will be much forthcoming. I know that "excercise" is bad in certain hi-glucose level diabetic situations & think with his high numbers he's sure at the head of his class.

How the h.ll has he managed to get insulin & needles for 2 years without seeing a doctor??? I didn't think ANY doctor would put out a blanket med for any patient - usually a year is as long as they'll go (and poor practice, at that) without another check-up. Matter of fact, I think it's the LAW in a lot of states. Plus the type 2 but on insulin is not unheard of but odd without more medical monitoring.

You're worried about being too "pushy or imposing on his life style choice"? I think you'd better get ready to push & impose a lot harder. What happened to if He loved You he'd want a "good, long life" with YOU? Refusing med care, taking shots when he feels like it and eating donuts for dinner does NOT bode well for a good, long life.

Marraige .. or a long term live-in relationship .. IS an imposition. While you're worried about imposing on HIM ... what about the imposition of you ending up with an invalid to care for? Because blindness, infection, amputation, nerve problems, stroke, pain & many etc's are the effect of refusing to take care of yourself. Where did your life style "choice" just go besides down the toilet? And let me tell you, babe - working all day & coming home to constant care is NOT an easy life you would "chose".

I would seriously consider that he isn't telling you the total truth about whatever is wrong with him. Either that or he has a death wish?! Giving up on your life before you've given life a chance is not a Walmart bargain.

If you think there's any way you could get him to a doctor I'd say get him to a g.p. first. If he's as bad as you say, they'll do a lot more tests than an endo to begin with & there could be a lot more wrong with him. Whether or not he has any health insurance is a whole different ball-game because you didn't say and those puppies won't come cheap.

Bottom line (since you did ask for feedback which is "close" to advice) is to tell your sweet pea that if HE wants YOU then you want to see the Bill of Health before the I Do's. And if he refuses ... RUN ... do NOT walk ... to the nearest exit. You may well decide to take him "as is" but knowing what that means should be your option.

Lordy lordy lordy ... best of luck & keep your progress posted here! Beth.

[Steff]

Thanks Beth. I am curious about your comments on the sugar drops. Is this not part of being diabetic? I am hypoglycemic and I know it is part of my life. I do know, for sure, that his sugar drops are real because I read the glucose monitor after he tests his sugar levels and he often gets down into the high 30s. Pretty low. His hands are shaking and he starts drinking tons of sugary drinks (strawberry milk...ICK) and eating sugars. It's like a frenzy. When he is done he is sick to his stomach from all the ****. What happened to a glass of OJ like us hypoglycemics take? Why the overload on sweets? This HAS to be harmful in so many ways. And, yes, he does have excellent health insurance. I do think about what it will be like to be older with him. After all, when he and I started in this I was barely 31 and he was 36.......I had no idea what was going on (sexually) and knew little about diabetes (obviously). Death wish? I thought of that. But, if he had a real death wish why would he take the insulin? I just don't know. I am going to talk to him about it this weekend.

[rzrbks]

A. I don't know about a death wish, but I do know about "Not being a man" when the time is right--that so makes you feel like ....hhhmm.... there is nothing I can think of that compares to how low, useless, waste of oxygen, you feel when ED continues

2. the "John Wayne Syndrome", that SOB is the worst thing to happen to men since, well, maybe ever. "A Man's gotta be a man if he's gonna be a man"--such horse$#!^ [(notice, syndermom, you can read it because the shapes are close enough)] but men all over the world have come to believe in this garbage that a man has to act tough and bad@$$ because women, specifically, His Woman, will think he's weak if he shows his true feelings to her.----It's a matter of trust, yes, Steff, you'd think that after all this time he would completely trust you--but most men are afraid to totally trust women, keep in mind that men's brains work differently than women's do, test after test has proven this,and once they have been burned, coupled with the fact that society demands that we men got to be tough until the day we die, when is there time/situation to trust women--we trust the woman who cares enough to keep after us in a way that doesn't crush our ego and shows that we are the most important person in their universe

Sorry about the long rant but your question couldn't be answered in short version form.---btw, there is more
sounds like he's lucky to have you--

on the other hand snydermom is also very right as well

[lgvincent]

Sometimes when my blood sugar is low, I'll take too much sugar for it and have it run high a little later. I try to be really careful and take small amounts of sugar slowly, but that doesn't always work. I can get confused and/or hungry when in insulin shock, and over compensate for the problem. It's easy to do.

[Steff]

Thanks rzrbks. I can't even begin to imagine how ED can make a man feel. The frustration must be agonizing. And, whoa, for a single man I bet it must feel like a death sentence. What really bothers me is that we don't talk about it.....at all....in any way. Again, I guess we are back to the trust issue....which I don't take personally. I try to separate what bothers and doesn't bother ME from what bothers and may not bother HIM. For instance, the ED doesn't really bother me (since we are speaking frankly..........orgasms for women usually don't come from penetration) but if it bothers HIM, then it's a problem. So, I think about what HE thinks/feels...which is hard since we don't discuss it...so I can only guess and talk to people like you guys anonymously. Frankly, there are things I don't understand about how diabetes impacts him sexually.......like.....does he have nerve damage that affects what he can and cannot FEEL during sex......does he actually achieve orgasm (honestly, I can't tell when we are together...there is never that "climax" moment like most men have.....things just kind of fizzle out). I once asked him if he has orgasms when he is making love to me and seemed really uncomfortable and said "I guess". What kind of answer is that? Either you do or you don't. So, based on THAT answer, I didn't push the issue. Again, it doesn't bother ME since I am satisfied because he is a fabulous lover understands how to please me in so many ways.....but I am concerned about HIS satisfaction and want to do whatever I can to make his experience as enjoyable as possible. And, of course, there's the problem of the sugar crashes and that can only be controlled by getting the sugar levels under control through proper medical care. Coincidentally, he called me about an hour ago to tell me that he was up all night last night (we don't live together) with high sugar (headache) and admitted that he ate krispy kremes before going to bed......UGH!!! Sometimes I wonder if he wants me to jump in and save him.....which I am more than willing to do.....but I sure don't want to force HEALTH down his throat.

[rzrbks]

Steff ,

Having been married for 24+ years, being the only/oldest male with five sisters, being the only male around 4 aunts/6 female cousins, I still don't understand women although you would think with that kind of exposure I should--that being said, one thing I do know is that men survive by their egos--we don't talk with each other the way women do, we're not capable of being true support personel the way women are. So what do we do?

What applied for me may not work with your man, but ...here goes.

After my heart attack, a number of years ago, I had to go to counseling. I, of course, picked a female counselor. After several years, yes, years, I was finally able to begin to open up to my wife. Now, we are a stronger couple than we ever were before. So, what I'm saying is that the two of you might think about counseling. That would give him a "Safe" place to expose his feelings and emotional turmoil. Sometimes having a referee is helpful for two people who need to open up emotionally charged issues. I'm not saying that it will work, or, your man might be a whole lot smarter than I am and it might work faster. But, it might be worth a try.

[polymorphic]

Hey Steff,

I was recently diagnosed with type 2 and inject insulin every day. I've also experienced the problem of low blood sugar during sex. Exercise will lower your blood sugar dangerously while taking insulin. And sex is great exercise. I've come close to fainting two times so far, but luckily my girl is soooooo freakin' special and supportive and it doesn't bother her...at least she doesn't show it.

If you can love him through this part of his life as you express you do then you need to make sure he knows that...all the time. You need to talk to him straight up and jump start his feeling of worth again. Make no bones about him being the reason you are alive. That's the biggest reason that I have right now to take care of myself. Make him cry like a little baby so he'll get the message. Not by demeaning him, but by expressing how much you love him and how that if he dies, you die.

Just my thoughts.

[Shalyndria]

First of all, I'd like to applaud your courage. Not everyone would be able to post such a delicate issue. I think that it shows how much you care that you are willing to take matters into your own hands and seek answers for yourself. Good on you.
I've often thought that diabetes is a bigger burden for the people who care about the diabetic - be that parents, lover, etc - than it could ever be for the diabetic. After all, we know exactly how we feel at all times and at least have peripheral control over our disease while our loved ones have to sit back and wonder and worry. Hey, who ends up taking care of us diabetics when we get sick?
Unfortunately, I can only advise that you try to get your man in to see a Dr or a support group or psychiatrist about his ED. My point of view is only that of a female, so I can't even suggest anything.
In regards to the lows, however, I can suggest there. See if you can get him to check his blood sugar before things get too deep. Use your imagination, or I can lend you mine. So then you've gotten past step one; checking the BG. Myself, I've always tried to eat at least 15g of carbs for every 1/2 hour of activity, depending on the activity of course. Try a piece of bread, or some Gatorade is a good one. And if he is having lows during sex, I'd advise you to keep him away from juices and sweet, sugary things. Get some glucose tabs and keep them on hand everywhere. They are pure carb and raise the BG less rapidly and more controlled than juice or sweets. And the rule of thumb is this: if BG is 3.7 or under, eat 15g of carbs. No more, no less. Then check the BG again in 15 mins and is it's still 3.7 or lower, then take another 15g of carbs. The average diabetic has about 15 mins to eat something with a BG of 3 mmol/L before risking a diabetic coma, so even an apple is a good choice.

I wish you good luck. Please keep us posted and let us know how it goes.

[Mick]

Steff--Oy, I barely know where to start...! Everything that others have said here--Beth, Shalyndria, rzrbks and the others--It's ALL great advice. By the way--those numbers that Shalyndria gave you--3.7--those are CANADIAN blood glucose numbers, they (and the rest of the world) use a different measurement system than we do in the USA. Substitute an American reading of about 65 and you'd be about right. The suggestion to test before sex is obvious--as it says in the Vedas, "Avert the danger that has not yet come." That will prevent the low from happening in the first place, which will prevent the rebound highs he's certain to have after his frenetic overindulgance during the low.

That's all merely mechanical routine stuff, though. There are obviously much deeper issues at work with this man. It is very likely, based on some clues you've provided, that you boyfriend is on what we call the "Blood glucose roller-coaster." That means it goes constantly way too high and then way too low--he's likely become very used to over-correcting lows with too much of the wrong kind of foods. These constant large swings in blood sugar make for a pretty wild ride, both physically and emotionally. Erectile difficulties may well be, at this point, the least of his problems, in fact. It sounds, again from some of your clues, that he has a very avoidant personality. He's obviously avoiding emotional confrontation with you regarding the ED--and every other sexual issue. Granted, these ARE difficult and sensitive topics, but you have obviously approached it in an extremely supportive and non-threatening manner, and he still shuts down. That personality trait indicates to me that he is probably stuck in a pretty bad emotional place regarding his diabetes--he's in denial. Eating as he does (and that's only what he admits to or allows you to see--what do you suppose he's hiding from you??) is the obvious sign of denial--"If I eat what I want to, I don't have a problem." The Krispie Kreme deal is a symptom of deep emotional trouble--denial is what kills diabetics, not kidney failure or congestive heart failure. The irrersponsible eating habits--binging, etc.--will also be a significant contributing factor to his blood sugar roller-coaster ride. The other obvious warning signal for denial is the avoidance of a doctor visit in several years. That means that, although he may be doing home glucose monitoring, he hasn't taken an a1c test in a long while. Diabetes standard of care guidelines recommend an a1c every 3-4 months, in other words 3 or 4 times each year. This test shows OVERALL blood sugar control, not just episodic readings like the home finger-sticks do. And, by the way, just how often does he test? Does he write down his test results in a log book? Does he use his tests to adjust his insulin dose? These are also normal standards of care he should be following. Does he count his carbs? (I guess with the doughnuts, that'd probably be a "No", eh?)

Oh, Steff... (sigh...) I think the suggestion about counseling is excellent. Maybe (eventually) he might open up and get in touch with his anger and denial, and be able to become more emotionally honest with himself and with you. I've been diabetic since 1965--38 years. This disease is a load to bear, a 24/7 battle that you can't turn your back on for even an instant. I've been married for nearly 30 years myself. There is no relationship between husband and wife without emotional honestly, openness and intimacy, the things he is witholding from you. That doesn't make him a bad guy, it just makes him a guy who needs a lot of help and a lot of work to fix what is wrong, physically and emotionally. And he will not face his physical health problems (and they are challenging and difficult) until he has accomplished a LOT of work on his emotional problems. I went through the "Lows during sex" phase at a point in our marriage. It was a real hassle. We talked about it, I consulted my doctor about it (and remember--this was in the days way before we had home glucose monitors--I couldn't just test to see what I was at...), we developed several stratagies to deal with it, and we solved it--more or less. I can't help you with the ED issue--and, just to let you know that that's NOT an inevitable result of diabetes--I'm now in my fifties, and after almost 40 years with diabetes, that hasn't ever been an issue. He may have some nerve damage (especially if he doesn't even know if he's having orgasms...!) Often that can be somewhat reversed with very tight glucose control. He may have some irreversible damage, but until he gets a thorough work-up, he'll never know what's wrong. That may be why he avoids the doctor--he suspects there's a LOT wrong, but just doesn't want to face the bad news... Again--avoidance and denial...

He does have one really important thing working in his favor--YOU. Otherwise, I'd say he was working on a death wish. Good luck with him--you'll both need it.

Namaste,
Michael

[Steff]

Thank you all for your tremendous support and tons of great advice. To answer some of the questions posed: No, he doesn't write down his sugar results from testing. He just tests when he thinks he needs to and decided whether or not he needs to to binge on nasty junk or have a shot of insulin. That's it. No method, no plan. How often does he test.....not sure about what he does at work...but it seems to be about 3X a day...unless there is a problem. I asked him today how he is getting insulin without seeing a doctor. He said that he does go once a year just for a script and he sees a doc who is older and can't remember ever seeing him before. The doc runs a series of standard tests and never calls him with any results, even thgough he asks to be called with results. Thus he blames his doc. But, he hasn't changed docs and says his doc is a GP, not an endo. Now he claims he wants to see a new doc, but he wants an endo who is a GP....which is very hard to find (another self-imposed roadblock). I guess this is how he got to the point of having so much damage....denial in the first place and not even being tested for diabetes until his vision was cloudy and he was down to about 160 lbs at 6'1. He's now about 200 lbs....and looks fairly healthy. I am going to try the "serious, supportive talk" with him sometime this weekend. You are all quite a perceptive bunch. After reading some of your thoughts on the matter, I do recall hearing him tell me once that he doesn't want a doctor to tell him all that is wring because in his mind, if he isn't told, then it isn't happening. Denial! (sign) I never understood, until just recently, how serious diabetes is on a daily basis. The really interesting thing is that, unlike other diseases like cancer or MS or lupus, diabetes is very much in the hands of the person with the disease. You have a lot of control over the power the disease has on you. It seems like the diabetes has messed with his mind as much as his body. This is going to be harder than I thought.

[HeatherP]

Oh, Steff. What an awful position you have found yourself in. I don't know that I can offer any advice, but you have my sympathies. It sounds like he has good insurance - and you NEED to change dr's. Diabetes requires communication. If his dr isn't communicating, how can anyone else? I agree, he does need counseling -and probably best from a male doctor - possibly you may be able to find a dr who is diabetic? That may help a lot. Just a suggestion. Has he ever gone to a diabetes education class? If so, if it was a long time ago - then a visit now is very important. Technology has developed tremendously (probably) since he was dx'd and he may find it to be a whole new world. Most of those of us on insulin find that we can "indulge" ourselves from time to time, and as long as we take enough insulin it does not affect us negatively. It is very important to establish a meal plan that one can live with. I remember when I was first diagnosed, my first thought and info from the dr was that I could never eat sugar again. Normal human psychology dictates that the thing we CANNOT have is the thing we want the most. I was obsessed. Eventually I learned how to manage my b/s's and also, assuming I was/am in good control, I can have goodies every now and again. My mother was T1, but she "managed" her diabetes much the way your fiance does. She died of liver cancer @ the age of 52. If you keep bombarding him with horror stories he may quite likely dig himself deeper into denial. Denial is the worst thing you can do to yourself w/ this disease.

Will he let you go see the dr with him? Is he willing to see a dietician? Will he let you come with him? If you are the one who is watching his meals, then it would be best.

I'm with everyone else. Try your best to have a talk with him - and try not to be confrontational. If you express your own concerns and worries, he may be more likely to listen than if you just lecture him about his shortcomings. I can tell you love him very much, and I wish both of you the best.

"I must control my diabetes lest it control me."

I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, please let us all know how you and he are progressing, and I wish you the best.

HeatherP

[Steff]

Thanks Heather. On Friday evening the conversation went like this :

Me (very softly,while rubbing his arm) : "I really, really love you and wish you would take better care of yourself and your diabetes so you can be here for me and the other people who love you so much and need you around".

Him: "I take care of myself, I take my insulin".
Me: "You take your insulin to correct the damage done by the bad foods, etc"
Him: " I just need to exercise, thats' the key"
Me: "And see your doc...I was reading that you should see the doc once a quarter"
Him: "I need a new doctor"
Me: "I just want you to take better care of yourself"
Him: (sarcastically) "I guess I should stop riding my motorcycle, stop racing cars, stop working since I climb poles..."
Me: "No, you should just TRY a little"

At that point he rolled over and put his back to me and I pushed him out of the bed onto the floor...he laughed and said with a sigh " I guess I could try a new doctor and see what is available".

Me: "Good".

That was the end of the discussion. Did it help? I don't know. Will he take the next step? We'll see.

Again, thanks to you all for your support.

[Belinda]

Steff,
Good for you for knocking a little sence into his head by a way of pushing him out of he bed! I would try and do a little research in your area about Drs. Then present him with a "proposal" of sorts about the Drs. you found and make sure it is one to fit his personality. I found mine through my GP that I interviewed which went something like this:
Dr ask So you are diabetic what can I do for you?
Me: I am here to see if I want you to be my Dr. and have a few questions to ask.
Dr.: Wow I never had a patient interview me. I am impressed.

Needless to say He helped me find my Endo and made sure our personalities matched. I am picky and don't like dictators for doctors. Also my dad was diagnosed with type 2 and went to see his "doctor" in a small town that knew nothing about diabetes. Finally after years 3+ I finally convinced my dad into visiting my Endo (I had to get the appointment for a new patient something his own Dr. said he couldn't do because they were not taking new patients) and my dad has remained faithful and visits him every three months and loves the Dr. and staff. This was a small feat for me because like many of the male species don't like the Doctors ( not all you guys that are very knowledgable about the whole diabetes thing and what it will do for you)

As for lows during sex and the OD of sugar. Well exercise does something and brings down sugar levels. Also I OD alot when I am low I figure in a couple of hours I can fix the high rather than the lows. I also get an upset stomach because I usually don't eat lots of junk ( not to say I don't eat any but not in huge amouts)!

Be persistant with him. Let him get on here and read a few of our comments and let him see how lucky he is to have you in his life. YOU are probably the best meds for him right now cause with out you he would probably be worse off

GOOD LUCK

[Steff]

Update:

Hi All-
Boy am I glad that I found this forum because I really can't talk about this with anyone. Finally, this afternoon, my boyfriend opened up to me (without my prompting one bit) and said that he really can't feel sex. We talked for about an hour. I really wasn't at all prepared for the conversaion and went with my gut (which told me to ask all of my questions then because it might not come up again soon). When I asked if he gets any pleasure whatsoever...he said that all of his pleasure is mental through his awareness of my pleasure. WOW!!! I guess it's a good thing that I am VERY expressive (read: I talk a lot....lol). But wow, I don't even know what to say to him. He was very "casual" and "conversational" about it. He didn't seem at all uncomfortable and explained it with several analogies so that I was really clear and understood. He said that pills like Viagara wont help because his problem isn't lack of erection, it's lack of feeling. How does one with live THAT life sentence? I feel so bad for him and wish I could do something. But, I am grateful that he trusted me enough to open up like that. THIS is a huge step for us.