[beo2]

Thank you Jan and Jen B, and Subby. I really actually feel sad and weak because I have these fears. I wish I was more of a man to let her do what she wants and love her no matter what, or how short the time. I wish I was more like Jan B's husband.

I've asked if she would like to do counseling, and I've already seen a therapist about it myself (didn't really help). She's hesitant about doing counseling, but not against it but I'm sure she feels the focus will be on her. I don't blame her for not looking forward to that.

The marriage thing does make it a lot more stressful, but she knows that at 31, we've gotta get going for a chance at a healthy pregnancy a few or more years down the road (at least that's how she sees it, and she's probably right).

I will talk to her more when the time is right (soon), but I know she feels I overanalyze things, and in this respect I think it has cheapened the future act of proposing to her because of all the talk and fear. I want it to be special for her, but because of all my talk and worry a little piece of her probably feels like, "Well run and get out of this then if you’re so worried!" It's so tough and complicated, and you guys have really helped simplify it a little bit.

I thank you guys for that. Wish me luck!

[Jan B]

My husband is great, but I am the one who takes care of myself. He's great support for me making my own decisions, and has never had to, or felt the need to encourage me to take better care of myself. He lets me run me, but to be honest, I wouldn't mind if he was a bit more like you!

Also, we did not have the pressure of having healthy children -- I know that's potentially a BIG one for you.

Please don't feel bad -- this is YOUR life too!

[Jan B]

P.S. Loving is action, and often involves the person you love not being happy with you! Silly little example - a kid playing sand castles in the middle of the street. You love him; you tick him off by dragging him out of the street.

[beo2]

Thanks Jan B. Did you and your husband just decide to not have children? I'm not really concerned about having a type 1 child as much as I am about complications for her (getting off her antidepresent meds, and the risks involved).

And thanks for appreciating how much I care. But, I hung myself a couple years back when she asked if I would still want a long term relationship if she couldn't or didn't want to have kids. My answer took too long and it hurt her dearly. I do want a family, and she now feels I want that more than I want her. It makes me feel horrible, because I do love her with all my heart and can see her being the one. I just hope I'm not making her feel like she has to have kids to keep me. That's not right, and it's something we have to talk about as well.

She's said in the past that she would stay with me if I was sterile, but I feel it's easy for her to say because she never really wanted kids until she met me anyways. But, I don't know if that's fair to say either.

Thank you for responding back to me and listening. It helps so much and please continue being there guys. I need you!

[dbaratta]

Originally Posted by alrock

And btw... she thinks she is not going to live long - but she can if she gets her diabetes in control. Mary Tyler Moore is Type 1 and she's like in her 70s I think.

Funny you mention Mary Tyler Moore because I watched her on Oprah. he is up there in age, been diabetic since in her 30's and did not take care of it very well at all and is legally blind. She was voicing her regrets about not taking care of her diabetes. In my opinion she is a very lucky lady to still have her life.

AND I am still in denial. LOL I go thru spurts of denial and it has been 3-years for me.

[JeniH]

Beo, Have you thought about talking to your GF about her getting some counseling about her depression? If she's not an expressive personality, who knows what else is all bottled up inside of her driving the fatalistic outlook. It might not be just her Type 1 driving the depression.

[beo2]

Hey JeniH, she has seen the Chief of Psychology at the hospital we work at. It HAD to be the Chief. She doesn't trust opening up to any therapist or newbie. It had to be the best for her. And she went to him for about 6 months around the time we first met a few years ago. At that time, she was at her lowest point ever (continually contemplated suicide, “She told me how she used to think about how easy it would be to just over bolus and end it.”), and saw the Chief weekly a little before we began going out. So, she knew she needed help and her depression has gotten better since those times.

She has confessed to me, that during that time she didn't full open up to even him as much as she has to me. I think it's mostly her feelings of inadequacy in regards to where she is in life. She feels like she moved to slowly on big decisions, like Med School and since she didn't get in the last two years she missed her chance. That would've changed her whole perception because she wanted to get into Diabetic Research and battle her disease head on. She’s currently the lab manager of an AIDS research lab, so medically she's as soundly educated about diabetes as they come.

So, I think she feels like she hasn't met her life goals and her status isn't where it should be compared to her family her are pretty well off. She feels like the black sheep, and once again it must seem to her that her disease won again by her not being able to get into med school. That and she feels like she's been given a death sentence.

So JeniH, you're right. It's more than diabetes, but it always seems a to be tied into it. But you also right, there could be things I don't even know about. But I trust she has been open and honest with me. That's why I feel like leaving her if she doesn't take better care of herself would be another feeling of failure for her.

[JeniH]

Beo, What a conumdrum!!! Sounds like she has some self-esteem issues. The best way to help your self-esteem is to help someone else. You both are health professionals? Have you thought about voulenteering to help kids with Type 1? Helping others in a meaningful way might help her to not feel like she "missed the boat" so much. She can find a way to feel like she can help fight her disease by helping to educate the youngest among those diagnosed to better take care of themselves at an early age to help prevent the bad side effects of the disease later in life. That might give her more incentive to help herself too? This is just a shot in the dark not knowing her personally.

[Granny Shanny]

Just fyi, Brian . . . our daughter was about your age when she decided to change majors & pursue a Ph.d in psychology. She gained the degree, spent ten years in a VA trauma clinic, got pregnant at 44, delivered a healthy baby girl; and now maintains a small private practice as well as giving seminars across the country on ACT (acceptance commitment therapy).

I know she had all but given up ever having a child. Funny how life works.

[beo2]

JeniH, that is a great idea! We are so used to watching our favorite shows when we get home from the hospital, we don't think about doing something more than what we already do at the hospital. I will definitely look into that and see if we can help out somewhere in the hospital for diabetic patients. Thanks! That would really work!

And Granny Shanny, if my gf can get her self esteem back I think that story could completely fit my gf. You're daughter sounds like the gf I know I have.

Thank you both so much for your thoughts and time!

B

[lorilei]

Hey B..i am more the expert on having diabetes but i am also well versed in loving someone with depression...that being said, sometimes, in my ignorance, i think the depression i deal with on my husband's end is harder than the diabetes i deal with on my end. and i'm sure you have heard that often the anology of "treating one's depression with mandatory meds like a diabetic needs insulin" is utilized..much to say and much commiserating to do..if you ever need a chat on that, post a chat call and you will have all sorts of ppl show up (diabetics or not!)

[beo2]

Yes, depression is a fickle thing when it comes to meds. I'm lucky enough to be a ridiculously happy person. So, it's hard but she's a lot better now, but we all know the big D never goes away. I will definetly post a chat on that if that becomes a bigger issue. I just really want her to take her self worth and health more seriously for now. So that I can feel like she wants a future seriously with me. She does just enough to stay in the game, but never more.

She's trying though, and that's a big part of it.

Thanks lorilei, and I hope your better half continues to have better days than bad ones.