Help? How to support someone with Diabetes...Save my relationship!

[cmt]

I am posting this question here because honestly I don't know much about diabetes. I recently started dating someone with Diabetes. Our relationship is very new but at the same time very serious. He told me in advance that he was diabetic as he wanted me to know in case I had a problem with it. I am not the type of person to pass up someone wonderful just because of something like this...however...I have noticed over the past several days that he has started displaying some "mood swings". Because I do have strong feelings for him and would like to have a long term relationship with him I went online and started researching the disease so that I could be supportive and try to understand these changes in his behavior. I am afraid to approach him about it and even mention that I have been reading up on it. While he was open with me about having diabetes I also get the impression that he does not like to discuss it in great detail. I just don't know how to handle it...as I said I would love to stay in a long term relationship with him but at the same time when he gets in his moods it makes me question his feelings for me...which in turn makes him mad. Can someone who may have experienced this please give me some advice.

[lgvincent]

I'm not sure how to help you at this point but I know my moods change rapidly when my blood sugar is low. I can do anything from acting very playful to becoming very angry. When my blood sugar is high I tend to feel bad and will become a little quick tempered. It MAY be possible the mood swings are due to his blood sugar being too high or too low. I USUALLY appreciate when people tell me that they think I need to check my blood sugar. Although others are much more knowledgeable then I and can give better advice, it might not be a bad idea to suggest he check his blood sugar when he is moody just to make sure it's okay. Hopefully he will not feel any anger by you doing that.

[cmt]

Thank you for your reply. I can't say that it is really an angry mood that he gets in...it's almost like he just gets short with me and takes everything I say the wrong way sometimes. If I didn't know he was diabetic and that that was possibly the underlying cause of his moodiness, I would think he just didn't care. But at the same time like I said we have expressed very deep feelings for one another. So it's just really confusing to me at this point. Maybe I can figure out a way to make him aware of it without offending him...I don't know.

[HeatherP]

Hi cmt, and welcome to the boards. I'm sure you'll find all kinds of info here based on personal experiences - I would encourage you to ask any questions that you have, and maybe even your b/f could join.

I have type 1, which means I inject insulin several times a day. You didn't mention if your b/f is T1 or 2, but I'm going to assume he's T1. As far as mood swings go, there are several possible causes.

One is that he may just be a moody person, possibly prone to depression - believe me this disease is easy to feel depressed about! If this is the cause, do you think he'd be okay w/ maybe trying some antidepressants? (assuming he isn't on any currently)

Next, I know that when my b/s is hovering around 70, I tend to be very sluggish and cranky, and sometimes downright nasty. Like LG said, some people get that way when their b/s is high. His idea about asking your b/f to ck his sugar when he's being like that is good, although if he's already being difficult, I don't know how you'd approach the subject.

Another reason could be that this disease is fustrating sometimes or a lot - everybody's different, and I know there are times when I'm disgusted and tired of the whole thing, and I go into a funk for a day or sometimes more, just bumming out and feeling sorry for myself. If this is the cause, it's understandable from a diabetic's point of view, but maybe not an "outsider".

I'm lucky, I was w/ my husband before I was diagnosed, so I have not had to start new relationships w/ this disease. I'm sure it can be difficult. I also have not shared a lot of info w/ him, in order to shield him to an extent, and because it can be exhaustive answering questions and giving new info. After my first "ambulace ride" due to a hypo he's asked a lot more questions and I've been more willing to provide info. There's so much. It sounds like you really like this guy, and I think that's great. You may find that the closer the two of you become, the more open he will become towards your questions. One word of caution, though, as a diabetic, if you want to REALLY tick me off, tell me how to eat, or question how I'm doing things. If he's T1, has he talked to you about hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia? These are things you need to know about if you're alone together so that you know what to do - you may very well save his life.

Oh man, what a novel - I've got typer's cramp. Sorry for the long post - but that's my advice. I'm sure lots of others will be happy to put in their two cents worth.

Welcome, again,
HeatherP

[HeatherP]

Hi cmt, me again - I thought you might want to take a look at this older thread, this lady is going thru some of the same things you are - maybe you two could compare notes:

http://www.diabetesforums.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=783

Take care,
HeatherP

[EdnBama]

cmt ...

The best thing to do -- as with any relationship -- is be open with your boyfriend about your feelings and concerns. It's important that he know what you are feeling and how his mood swings are affecting you. This is true regardless of the cause, whether it's due to swinging blood sugar levels or some other factor.

As part of this conversation, it would probably be good to get a better of understanding of how much he wants you to know or be involved with diabetes management. As Heather mentioned, it would be good, at a minimum, to know how to address highs and lows (particularly lows) in case something happens when you and he are alone.

The fact is, if you and he intend to have a long term relationship, there are things you will need to know -- just as it will be important for you to respect his autonomy on certain things (as Heather points out, what to eat, etc.).

Hopefully, none that information should make or break a relationship. However, communication and his willingness to address your concerns in a constructive way may tell you some important things about how your relationship may go in the future.

I'm heartened to see someone who has so much interest in someone with diabetes. I go through spells where I figure I am "broken" and no one would want to "take me on" (so to speak).

Good luck with everything.

---Ed

PS -> Just call me "Dear Eddie" :rolleyes:

[mg_2204]

... mood swings??!?? Funny because I was told by a few people close and dear to me that I was a bit... errrr... moody lately, to say the least. ;)

I already have a fiery temperament... now imagine when I hit lows and highs. You know, sometimes I can't even understand myself... So when I'm moody, cranky, when I explode (and the word is weak) for a yes or a no... what I really like is when the person doesn't take it personally. Usually my husband will suggest I go and rest (although I'm sure sometimes he'd send me elsewhere ahem)... or have something to eat... And sometimes all I really need is a hug and a bit of understanding.

And the best remedy to everything is -c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-i-o-n- .

Best of luck,

Marie
:)

[DeusXM]

Speaking from a male perspective....

He MAY be moody from low blood sugar, or that might just be his personality type. I don't want to make you sound frightened, but one thing I would advise heavily against doing is asking him to check his blood sugar every time you feel that he's being short with you. If he's anything like me (and hopefully he's not) he'll get annoyed by that. As a guy, I don't particularly the fact that people catagorise all my actions based on my blood sugar, I find it patronising and an affront to my ego and my own ability to cope. Unfortunately testosterone does that to your brain.

Your best bet, I'd say, is to discuss this when he's not in a mood swing, and to not question his feelings for you. The fact that he gets annoyed when you do, suggests that he does care for you, and it probably frustrates him because he's trying but it's made extra difficult because he's got a terminal medical condition battling against him. Your best bet is to try and use your research as a way of showing just how much you care about him and how important this relationship is to you, it might give him the extra impetus to keep trying.

As a final point, without wanting to sound critical/unsympathetic/anti-American, I really wouldn't recommend you suggesting antidepressents at all. I've noticed that a lot of Americans seem to have a really odd prediliction for the things. Sure, diabetes might make you feel down every now and again, but that's not clinical depression, and call me a moron, but I thought antidepressents were for genuine medical problems, and not an over-the-counter pick-me-up. Answers very rarely come in a handy pill form.

Like I said before, don't rule out the possibility that his mood swings might be absolutely nothing to do with his diabetes or blood sugar - he might be frightened of commitment, have work problems, or any one of the thousands of other reasons that make people feel bad.

Good luck to you.

[snydermom]

cmt - I'm "kind of - sort of" in your situation as I'm the non-diabetic in the house. Of course, we're 54 & 65 so there's a tad of difference! :rolleyes:

A comment right off the bat: You say Our relationship is very new ... over the past several days that he has started displaying some "mood swings. I don't know how "new" new is ... but understand that everyone (yourself included) puts their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship. Just be sure these mood swings are the exception & probably dm related as opposed to his true personality.

That being said ...

I'm a pretty thick-skinned person and if I know Ed's crankiness is illness related, I can roll with his moods pretty good. He's only been dx'ed since April but after getting a handle on what diabetes can do to him - emotionally as well as physically - I found my own way to tackle him. :D

I waited until he was in a pretty good frame of mind and brought up his moods. I told him how he gets and my concerns regarding his glucose levels when he's real cranky. I THEN told him that when he gets that way I will ask/make him test and any nasty remarks or snotty comments will be met with stone on my part.

Then comes the hard part .... following thro with it without taking it personal. Sometimes he apologizes later ... sometimes not. But I just stand my ground and don't get mad. Because getting mad is at a disease and not at him!

I do want to stress that your guy is not being fair to you if he doesn't let you educate yourself about this. It's fine that he wants to take control over his own body - but there well may be times that YOU have to know what to expect or do in a crisis. Whether it's knowing how to/how much insulin to inject OR when to slam him with either sugar or carbs, you have to know that. And it's not an "invasive" request.

There was a thread awhile back where one poster said he'd gone on a Jack Daniels binge when his mother died. His wife found him going bad in the middle of a drunk sleep and had to "GUESS" at how much insulin to give him. She did great and he finally realized he'd better let her know a bit more about things!

That's not infringing ... that's knowing what to do in a crisis.

I wish you the best of luck. Diabetes is the LEAST reason I can think of to not give a good relationship a chance! Hope your new guy realizes how lucky he is to have met you! :thumbsup:

Beth.

[snydermom]

And as an added p.s. to Deus -

I DO agree that every single cranky mood isn't dm related ... only HUMAN related!!!!!

Beth.

[cmt]

I really appreciate all the wonderful comments and advice you have each given me. I am really trying to just take things in stride right now because as I said we are in the very early stages of a relationship...only a month. The mood swings may or may not be part of the disease but I don't know and I don't want that to be the cause and me not take it into consideration. I am just going to see how it goes and then go from there. Maybe at some point I will feel more comfortable in approaching him about what he experiences and how to handle things if something goes wrong. I do know that it's a touchy subject for now though because there have been a couple of times that he has mentioned not eating when he should have or not taking his medicine and me being the way that I am said, " you need to take care of yourself". That's what I'd say to anybody...of course his response was "don't lecture me and don't fuss at me". So I do think he has difficulty with me showing concern about it. Again thanks so much for all the insight you have given. You will probably be hearing from me again. Happy New Year to all and best wishes!

[rzrbks]

cmt,

Another male perspective. Deus is right, don't show "Too Much Care". I know that's stupid but that's how many male's brains :confused: work. Care enough but not too much.

My wife of 20+ years has finally had to just step back and take the attitude--"Ok. I'll help when asked, otherwise I'll just let you be."

and that has helped a great deal--I do not want a mother--already had one of those, thanks.

[WiseWords]

cmt,

Although you said your relationship is new,
you also said it is very serious and you seem to be
hoping that it will get more serious. Well, good luck if you
can't even talk to him !

Although there is no way to be certain,
I strongly suspect that any mood swings are directly
related to his blood sugar. Low blood sugars will indeed
cause the the mood swings you have mentioned.
Low blood sugars can be caused from missed or late
meals, for a diabetic on medication, or from not
eating enough at each meal, or from extra exercise.

There is a world of information that you presently do not
know, and if you want to have a relationship with someone
who has diabetes, and if he wants to have one with you,
the two of you had better start talking !

One month of no info is one month too long.

Whenever I meet some one new, if I anticipate seeing
them for any length of time, then a diabetic lecture is
a must. Education is very important, and also helps to
open up communication between the two people.

So, I would suggest telling him that you want to know
all about his diabetes, in detail. That would include
asking questions and getting answers.

I suspect that he has Type 2 diabetes and is on pills,
doesn't think it is real serious, and tests infrequently.
Otherwise, you would already know more.

You need to find out:
1. What type does he have, Type 1 or Type 2?
2. How long has he had it?
3. How does he control it, and what does he take for it?
4. Control includes following a diet, so, does he do this,
and if not, why not?
5. Does he test his blood sugar, (Blood Glucose or BG),
with a meter? How often? What are his results like?
If no, why not?
Would he like some help with managing?
Could he do a check of your blood? That's a good way
to see how it works, and to take any mystery out of it.
6. If the two of you are going to see each other,
would he go to classes with you so that you could
learn about it? If he doesn't know about them, you may
need to do some work on getting the two of you registered.
6. If he has problems from high blood sugars, do to
poor control, he's gonna need some help.
Ask if he would be willing to let you help?

Type 1 diabetics take shots of insulin because the pancreas
is not producing any. If he needed to do that,
you would probably know.
Type 2's often have a pancreas that has slowed down
with the normal production of insulin, but not stopped
completely. There are pills that will stimulate the pancreas
to produce the extra needed insulin, and other pills that
control and regulate the absorption of glucose into the blood.
Some people can manage on diet & exercise alone.

Some walk around with out of control blood sugars.
If his BG is out of control, up or down, it can cause
mood swings of which he is unaware.

If you can't talk to him, that is not my idea of
much of a relationship.
Chances are, he would welcome your interest,
and may have found it difficult to do well by himself.
He may also have developed a pattern of bad habits,
with regard to his care. I would suggest using this as a
chance to get more involved, not less.
If you anticipate any future together, you will have to know
as much about it as him, if not more.
Diabetes is not a do it yourself program.
You can't very well cook him dinner, if you don't know his diet.

Needless to say, communication is essential in any relationship.
If you are having problems talking to him about his diabetes,
or his life, you need to reevaluate the relationship,
discuss it with him, and hopefully, improve upon it.
;)

[DeusXM]

WiseWords has written a very good primer there, but just to reiterate my earlier point, you might not want to bombard your new boyfriend with all those questions in one go, and be careful about offering your help unconditionally. As both me and rzrbks have already pointed out, us guys don't really like being fussed over too much, because if there's one thing we don't like, it's to feel vunerable and inferior, and trust me, one thing that's guaranteed to make you feel like that is a major genetic defect. The important thing is to stay on top of it - I hope for yours and his sake that your boyfriend can.

[lgvincent]

Why not suggest he come to the forum to try to get a little more insight into the disease? Of course, it might be wise to hide this topic before doing so.

[cmt]

Thanks again for the information and suggestions. Just so you know I do know that he takes insulin shots. This may be the wrong way to go about it but we have started to meet each other's friends and family so I also thought that perhaps I could get some more information from them if I still feel as though I can't approach him about it. I don't really want to go behind his back or anything and I would certainly approach it delicately with any of them but maybe they could help me to understand a bit better.

[Tony]

Cmt,

Unlike the some of the other guys here. I would want a girl to take part in my Diabetes. It would mean alot to me. It's just nice to know someone cares. In the past I had only one girl help me. She was a friend, my x girl friend had never even help me.

If he is on shots, I would say he is a type 1.

WiseWords has some good advice.

How soon did he tell you that he had diabetes?

[EdnBama]

Actually, Tony ... I never said I wouldn't want a girlfriend to be involved in my care of my condition. In fact, I am upfront and open about my situation and do not mind their concern, questions, etc.

But I did advise cmt to find out what role this guy would like her to have -- and pointed out some things that I, and others, believe are non-negotiable in case she needs to intervene when they are alone.

Although I think she must respect his wishes on her involvement, that goes only to a point. If they are to be serious, then he has not only a choice but an obligation to help her understand his situation, and if he doesn't want to let her be involved in the bare necessities, if I were her, I would reconsider his commitment to me -- or the potential for future commitment.

--Ed

[Belinda]

Okay from a woman's perspective and the one with diabetes..... I had one boyfriend that could look at me and tell that my BG was high or low.
Now the current one.......he asked alot of questions at first. He was there when I was taking injections and when I started the pump. He called 3 times before I got home that afternoon to make sure I was okay etc... He always ask me do I need to check my BG, eat or take any insulin and he even lets me check his! Did experience a low while watching TV and drank my juice box and told him to pay attention to the show cause I couldn't really focus on it right then....LOL He just wants to know since he doesn't have diabetes what/how things affect me. I really think that he just has one of those personalities ( LOL... one that doesn't get on my nerves!)

[Tony]

Originally posted by EdnBama
Actually, Tony ... I never said I wouldn't want a girlfriend to be involved in my care of my condition. --Ed

Ed I wasn't talking about you. I should of worded it a little different. Hey! it is not to late if your the admin.

[mg_2204]

... true that ---in general--- guys don't like to be made to feel 'inferior'. Us women don't either! We just care.

And because I'm siiiiiiiiick and feeling absolutely horrible (and BG has gone wild of course) let me just tell you that... even if I'm a woman... he better not emphasize too much on my BG or he'll end up sleeping in the garage ;)

Marie

[Jon]

Try not to take the grumpy mood swings personally. When my son's BG is high, he becomes whiney, lazy, and unwilling to do much. When his sugars are under control, he is much more happy and friendly.

[EdnBama]

One thing to remember is that some guys are just grumpy and touchy about things when their women talk to them. :whistling

May not be bg related at all!

--Ed