Rage !!!

[E-NICE]

I know this may be somewhat of topic but I have to get it out of me or I am going to explode. Currently my mother-in-law is battling colon cancer and losing a lot of wieght, she starting to look just like my mother did just before she died of kidney failure brought on by the big D. Seeing my mother-in-law like that brings back all the feelings of when my mom died, especially the ANGER. I have been full of rage since my mother's death and since being diagnosed with the big D I have gotten only angrier. My wife wants to help but does not know how and has suggested I speak to someone about this. You are the only people I can open up to about this. I hate diabetes, I hate having it, I hate that it killed my mother & it just fills rage and hatred. I was just hoping someone here understood.

[kel4han]

I completely understand. My father has been on dialysis for about 3 years now, thanks to D. I was dx'd type I in March '06 and was just coming to terms with my anger, acceptance etc. Then!! 12-4-06 my 6year old was dx'd. Talk about RAGE. I think it is a part of the coping process. I am enraged everytime I see my dad, and it takes me days to get over it. enraged every sickness he deals with, every high number I see. I dont know the answer either, but I do completely understand your feelings as I am sure so many other diabetics do as well.

[princesslinda]

Hi Mr. Nice:
I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. I totally understand your feelings. I watched my mother die of renal failure secondary to diabetes complications at age 54. She had an amputation, retinopathy, heart attack and finally kidney failure. You can imagine my reaction when I was diagnosed 8/31/06 with the big-D. My mother didn't try to control her diabetes and paid dearly for her neglect; nonetheless, I was not prepared for the anger/fear/resentment/depression I had. My husband tried to be supportive, telling me "you're not your mother," but I wondered (and still do, truth be told) if there is some genetic weakness that I may have gotten along with the big-D that will at some point make me just give up.

That being said, I also am so afraid of what COULD happen to me that I have been very proactive in treating my diabetes. I was so angry that this happened to me, especially when I was so young (not thinking about all the others who have this who are so much younger than me) that it was hard for me to even be civil for the first little while. I can imagine how all this has brought back all those feelings.

We both can and should take comfort in reading about all the successes of our fellow forum members. It helps me so much to hear about those who have dealt with this for years without all the bad complications. Take heart, you are not alone. Stop feeling bad about what you're feeling, realize it's normal to feel that way and that things will get better at some point and you will feel "normal" again.

I will say a prayer for you and your family. Let us know how things are going. You are not alone.

[Just_Plain_John]

We understand !

I'm not furious, but I am mightily frustrated. My uncle just died of an apparent massive heart attack, no doubt as a result of his Type2 and a family history of heart disease (my father's mother's branch, 3 fatal MCIs so far). I have two other cousins who are clearly also at risk from heart disease aggravated by (pending) D2, and this weekend somehow I have to have The Talk with them both and get them on the health wagon. They are both dear gals, and it's tying me in knots that they are up against this now. I hate it !

And even though I'm a T1 in good control who exercises a lot, I doubt that makes my D any friend of my heart.

That news about the nerve inflammation treatment curing the mice helps a little, but not much.

[blue_eyed_devil]

Dude, wish I had something really inspirational to say... but I don't. However I can understand how you feel, and why you feel it. I think we all feel pretty crapp about the D... Just try not to let it over run you...

I'm really sorry for your loss and I wish your mother in law all the best.

Don't lose faith and keep taking care of yourself!

[Linn]

Linda and e-nice, kelhan and john,
Reading of what happened with your relatives, thought I would ask you a question that pertains to my mother who is also type 1 like me. Mom does NOT take care of herself. Her hb1ac's are like10 or so every time they check her. She cannot get around and sits or lays down a lot. She was dx 5 years ago and since then has went downhill. I talk to her all the time about the repercussions but she won't listen to me. She eats the wrong foods and too much of them as well. She has kidney problems and for some time has been having protien in her urine. She is very overweight and sometimes won't even check her BS :( With all this said, does this description sound like those relatives of yours who neglected themselves? I keep wondering how long my mom can go on like this..It's very sad

[grace girl]

My husband's step-father died of a massive heart attack 6 years ago, due in part to his totally uncontrolled type 2 diabetes. I understand the feelings. I didn't have D when he was alive, but knowing what I know now I often find myself thinking, why didn't you at least TRY?????? I knew this man from the time I was 17 years old (I'm 38 now) he was a big part of my life, and I miss him, and he's missing my kids, and I think about him almost every time I take a shot.
There are so many aspects of this disease that can bring on anger. My advice is to give up the anger and FIGHT. Fight for yourself, for others, whatever it takes. Anger just sucks the life out of you.

[princesslinda]

Hi Linn:
I know how frustrating and stressful it must be to have to watch your mom have such destructive behavior. You asked if this was how my mom was, and in a lot of ways, it sounds similar. My mom was diagnosed at age 28, type II. Her mother and father both had diabetes, back where there were not a lot of good ways of keeping up with BS levels and general knowledge was not there about it as it is now. My grandfather had an amputation and my grandmother died of renal failure. Mother had an amputation and then died of renal failure at 54. Sometimes, if I think of my family history, I get so afraid I can hardly breathe.

I think after seeing all that she saw, she felt there was no hope for her and she wanted to "enjoy what time she had" and not worry about it. She was fine for about 18-20 years before the neglect caught up with her.

Unfortunately, there is not really anything anyone can do to inspire someone to take care of themselves. That has to come from within. Perhaps your mom would benefit from reading some of the posts here, and see how others deal with diabetes.

I think if we focus on all the bad things about diabetes and the "potential" problems, we all would want to just crawl into a hole and stay there. That being said, it really helps me to hear all the "positives" on this forum. I'm get such a lift from hearing from all the regulars. We cheer each other on and give shoulders to lean on when needed. Introduce your mom to us...we'll encourage her....and you, too.

Hang in there.

[kel4han]

I think my dad "tried", but was not educated or helped as we are today. He really did not try to understand the importance of a basal, plus boluses, since when dx'd they did not do it that way, and he was not open to change I guess. If someone would have explained to him about the logistics of basal and bolus and that critical balance, he would have been healthy today. But, he is stubborn, and I think that he did kinda refuse to learn. I think the anger is an important step in coping, and as long as you know it is NOT you, it is the D being crazy again, you can just say to yourself you are doing everything right, and the bumps in the road are just part of the crappy game.

[E-NICE]

My mom took terrible care of herself. She smoked, never really watched her diet, and avoided going to the doctor. So by the time she was diagnosed her kidneys had already been destroyed. All that was left was for her 15 year old son to watch her slowly die for two years.

[E-NICE]

My dear sweet mother in law passed away on 2-1-07. God Help us.

[tanyatype1]

I'm sorry for your loss E-Nice. It's really hard losing a loved one - I empathize with you. Big hug.

[princesslinda]

E-Nice: My deepest sympathies to you and your family. Hold on to each other as you go through these difficult times.
Will certainly remember you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

Linda

[FTW]

E-Nice,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do thinks it's natural when diagnosed with D to go through the stages of grief, one of them being anger. Your reaction is perfectly normal.

Maybe if you go to a gym it would help to take it out on a punching bag?

FTW

[KritterMom]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. My mother died of diabetes when she was 34, so I completely understand. My thoughts are with you!

[ladytaz]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

[mkp1151]

My sincere condolences to you and your family on your loss. Mt mother-in-law passed away on Nov 2 '06, from pancreatic cancer, one week short of her 82nd birthday. She was also a Type 2 diabetic who took reasonable care of her diabetes; however, she was a very heavy smoker, so you couldn't say she took very good care of herself. We who loved her are now grieving deeply for her...

As for feeling rage, it's completely understandable. Rage is an integral part of grief. When my one-year old grandson was killed in a car "accident" by a negligent (but not drunk) driver in 2004, I spent months seething with a kind of unspeakable, silent fury at the injustice of what happened. That on top of the sadness of losing one so young and innocent. Only when I sought out help from others (as you have done here) did I begin to find even a modicum of perspective.

My hope is that you'll keep in touch and keep sharing your feelings. It's the best way to find healing...

mkp1151

[gettingby]

E-Nice,
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Don't keep that rage bottled up inside you. It can do more damage keeping it in. Find a room in your home or go outside and just SCREAM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember to take care of yourself and know that we are here to listen.

[xMenace]

I don't know if I can understand it, but I can hopefully empathize. If our feelings were so easy to disagnose, life would be so simple, no?

I do congratulate you for seeking a safe outlet. Many people don't.