Any advice will do.

[giggs]

Im a girlfriend of a type 1 diabetic.I need help, advice, support. Please any support would do.

He is so depressed, tired, NEVER in the mood:bawling:
, moody, in denial, irritable, sad, unmotivated, etc. He stopped working in november, has been sitting around ever since. He is finally getting help for the depression. And Im burned out :argh:.
Im tired of trying and getting no where.
I know people here are mainly diabetic, but Im sure you can offer advice. What more can I do? I know more about his diabetes than he does, and I help where ever I can.We have been been together for over 10 years now, on and off. I love him or id be done by now, but that time is nearing......any advice is welcomed.

[am1977]

You're awesome for wanting to help him out... My advice is to encourage him to talk to you about how he feels and just be there for him. Perhaps suggest that he check out this forum too. It's hard being diabetic and sometimes it helps knowing that there are many others out there who can relate.

Hang in there.

[June91]

I have to take sides here, and it's not his side I'm taking. Please value your life, your freedom and your values above all. Everyone is responsible for their own choices, and even though he may feel diabetes wasn't his choice, the way he responds to the challenges is entirely up to him. Along the same lines, you have the choice to put up with his nonsense or not. If his love for you is as strong, things will fall into place, if not - not all things can be fixed and it's not always a bad thing.

Please excuse me if I sounded harsh, and please bear with me: I have been known to offer my opinions as the gospel truth ;)

[Doug]

sounds like he may need some help
Perhaps talk to someone about his depression
Its pretty common among diabetics

Cudos to you for trying to help

[HollyB]

It does sound like his problem is the depression rather than the diabetes per se. Now that he is getting help for that, I hope things will improve. Remember it takes some time for the meds to start working and to get the right RX/right dose. Hopefully he is getting therapy that helps him look at his life and his feelings too. It is hard to manage anything with depression, let alone something as complex and demanding as diabetes. The flip side: if the treatment for depression helps, he may find new energy and motivation to take charge of his life, including this disease.

And... I have to side to an extent with June 91. I'd wait this out for a while and give his treatment a chance. But not forever... you can't do this for him.

[lilituc]

I highly recommend the book "Diabetes Burnout" by William Polonsky. Even if just you read it, it could help. Having been in a similar situation to yours, I read the book and it really helped me. I actually left the book out at a time when I wasn't going to be home and the other person came along and saw it and decided to read it. Not that I'm saying that would work in your situation, but that I knew bringing up the book in conversation would have been a mistake. Sometimes the only thing you can do is back off, because trying to help can have the opposite effect, unfortunately. Good luck.

[meldac]

I think it's brilliant that you are trying to help your bf out so much. I am in my 20's and have been diabetic since I was3 years old, and my bf is so supportive of me, so I highy commend you, for sticking by him. Being dabetic, if your blood sugar is too high or too low, you can have bad modd swings and attain the characteristics you have described that your boyfriend has. Being Diabetic has only realy just got to me, as I am getting older nad thinking about how I will wbat children in a few years time, etc, all the effects and problems which can arrise have really upset me, and yes you hate being diabetic and always think why me and what if I didn't have it and it gets you so so down.

The best thing to do is to stay by him, I think if you dont encourage him to talk to you he could either get worse, or he may eventually start talking off his own back. Depression can really seriously effect your dabetes control, even crying can make your sugars go up!

As some one said ti is up to him how he deals with it...The thing is that it will never go away until a cure is invented for it, so I dont think there s much point gettingdepressed over it, even though it's hard not to, it's lke you have t snap out of it, and just enjoy your life and thank God that we do ave insulin and ways to control it so we are not sick all of the time.

[giggs]

Thank you all for your honest responses. I truly appreciate them. Things have been getting alittle better. Yet this weekend was an eye openner for me. As he always tells me hes tired and has no energy, Isn't in the mood to do anything, he brother comes and all of SUDDEN, he has energy, he can go to the movie that hes been blowing me off to see, and he can go somewhere for the night, and Ive been begging him to go somewhere. :mad:
Now if he saw his brother every so often, then I understand, but no, he sees his brother every weekend, if not every other weekend.
Am I crazy here to be mad at him? Am I crazy to feel almost like hes faking?
I feel like Ive put the energy in and his first priority should not be his brother, but to reasure hes supposed love for me.
Am I overreacting?:confused:

[June91]

Take a good look at the person behind the diabetes, see if you really love him and once you've made your decision, try to stick by it, whatever it may be.

You might want to check out this thread: http://www.diabetesforums.com/forum/type-1/17437-confession-3.html.

Now that is probably the biggest self-deluding a$$hole around - while you are the exact opposite :)

[giggs]

so I read the "confession" post. And NO, thats not what im doing here. Its been about a year and this weekend just really blew me away. Now that his brothers leaving today hes back to the 'im tired, i feel sad' stuff, and maybe he really does, but my lack of trust is starting to show its true colors.
Ive done all thats possible for him. Even when he first got diagonsed, IM the one that found out everything, and how to help him eat and even help him adjust his fast acting insulin, becuase he didn't know how it worked. His depression is taking over and hes using diabetes as a hat to cover it all up. These are issues that were here before, but after the diagnose hes totally changed again. We have along history and I know your not getting the whole story here. If youd like Id share it but, not to sure everyones interested in late night bedtime reading. :)

[anmi]

Hi Giggs,

I really admire you and what you are doing and i really admire everyone who stand along us and support our moods... You know, being a diabetic is not very hard... being near one... it is... you will understand bellow why I said that.

I am a type 1 since last summer and I want to be as honest as I can be regarding my relation with my boyfriend. All of us I think, passed through depression times... I know it from my own experience and also I know that he tried all his best to make it easier ... as you do. He did exactly as you did: learned more than me what diabetes mean, insulin, food and so on... just to let me see how much he cares for me.

Of course, when I discovered diabetes I didn't think of anything else than how this could happened to me... my wings were cut down and everyone was guilty of this... including my boyfriend. Anyway, he supported me for a while and even if I could see through his eyes that he suffer every time I suffered, angry of what I have to do and so on. I could see it but i couldn't think of anything else but myself and my own anger. And of course I can see through your words exactly what he felt after a while, meaning that ... ok, I am a diabetic but this does not mean that all the world has to suffer along me or I have to make everyones else lives impossible to live, including his. So after he supported my bed moods for a while he reached to your own conclusion... that he has to give up because couldn't take it anymore... a wise conclusion i would say as everyone has to leave their own lives and remain healthy. :)

Well, this idea of not being with him anymore (we are together for 6 years) scarred me so much and made me realize that i would feel so lonely that simply opened 'all' my eyes :).

Now i passed through the hard times and i am happy that we are still together... nobody is guilty of my diabetes and I saw that you can leave very happy with it... only that you have to accept it... Actually, besides the shots that we have to take every day, there is no difference than before.

I don't know if this would be a solution but you know there is a saying that you realize how much you love somebody only after you loose him. This is exactly what happened to me. Lucky me, he didn't turn his back for good from me and I love him very much for this and for the second chance... but only after I woke up from my nightmares.

Honestly, I really think that you should let him go and live your own life. You can not help him anymore... He is the only one that can do something for himself. You've done your best... love doesn't mean to support him... love means to support each other :)

[Siren]

Its been about a year and this weekend just really blew me away. Now that his brothers leaving today hes back to the 'im tired, i feel sad' stuff.

Ive done all thats possible for him. Even when he first got diagonsed, IM the one that found out everything, and how to help him eat and even help him adjust his fast acting insulin, becuase he didn't know how it worked.

You're a very brave girl; one of the things I occasionally ask my boyfriend of four years is, "Why do you put up with me?!" His stock answer is that he sees past any bad to the good things in me, which may be why you stay with your boyfriend also. Justin, however, never tries to manage my diabetes. I've been a type 1 diabetic for 16 years.

Someone else said it well, in my opinion. "You can't do this for him." You have to stop enabling his poor management. In the end, this approach will only brand you a nag. Look up the phrase, "diabetes police." Though it's natural to want to help, diabetes is a disease that mostly relies on the diabetic, (hypo or extreme hyper glucose levels would be exception). Bottom line: you can't live someone else's life for them. He has to take charge.

[JasonJayhawk]

I haven't had a chance to read everyone else's points in detail, but just wanted to say...

Unrelated to the diabetes -- ten years is a lot of time to spend with someone without marriage.

If you're shacking up, playing house, sharing bank accounts, or giving away money to him, you've placed yourself in a bad position.

Diabetes or not, you have a life to continue living, and you can't be his "knightette in shining armor" without getting tired of it.

If he uses the "get out of trouble with diabetes card" to get out of doing things or to make excuses, it's time to present the "Nice knowing you, time to get on with my life" card.

Of course, I only know what you've posted about your situation, but based on what you've said about being with him for ten years -- still not having a ring and a date (wedding date, that is), indicates that this is more complex than just proactive diabetes care.

After all, why isn't he on this forum, too? :confused:

[TenderVittleS]

If you really try to help him out and be supportive and he responds I think it will greatly improve your relationship. Who knows when you'll need his support for something one day.

[giggs]

"Honestly, I really think that you should let him go and live your own life. You can not help him anymore... He is the only one that can do something for himself. You've done your best... love doesn't mean to support him... love means to support each other"

This brought tears to my eyes and the reality of it just sunk deep. I know this is true and I guess thats why its been so hard and so painful.
The process I have been going through is painful and hard. I wouldn't categorize our relationship simply as "playing house" or "shaking up" this give everything the lack of meaning and lack of feeling. We been living together for almost 2 years now and it was in the hopes and intention of making it work no matter what. But how can I do that when I do all the work for both sides?? I have a lot to think about. It was my birthday this past weekend and all I got was a phone call. He has three stricks and has one and half.

[anmi]

This brought tears to my eyes and the reality of it just sunk deep. I know this is true and I guess thats why its been so hard and so painful.
The process I have been going through is painful and hard. I wouldn't categorize our relationship simply as "playing house" or "shaking up" this give everything the lack of meaning and lack of feeling. We been living together for almost 2 years now and it was in the hopes and intention of making it work no matter what. But how can I do that when I do all the work for both sides?? I have a lot to think about. It was my birthday this past weekend and all I got was a phone call. He has three stricks and has one and half.

First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY :birthday: and have a long and happy life... this is really ironic besides what you are passing through but I really wish you all the best and the courage to move on.
You have proved once very brave... do it one more time but this time for your own good.

If you want to tell me more about, give me a pm or an email...

I really admire all you have done and all you are doing.

I honestly don't know if I could do it... I'm sure that your boyfriend's problem is not being diabetic but being blind and not realizing what he has near him...

Take care!

[Tc99]

I live in the bay area too, maybe i can chit chat with him and just trade some sad days that i had. Maybe some motivation from someone on his "team" might help ?

[giggs]

actually that would be a great idea,...maybe we could meet and then hed be more accepting of you as my friend then me trying to push it on him.

[Tc99]

actually that would be a great idea,...maybe we could meet and then hed be more accepting of you as my friend then me trying to push it on him.

Email me @ imtko2005@yahoo.com, and let me know of what is going on with him exactly. Tell me a bit more about him. And then maybe I can come up with times where i was in his shoes and just talk to him "as your friend" Ok ?

[spirosway]

Hi sweety!!!I am also diabetic type 1 and also i have i girlfriend....sometimes i feel so tired and so depressed but my girl help me to forget all....make your boyfriend to forget his diabetes and help him to control better....show him your love!!!thats my advince!!!
Greetings from Greece

[catgalla]

This must be extremely difficult for you but you do have to live you're life. It's almost like he's taking advantage of your kindness. Let him feel what it's like to deal with it alone. It's his disease and it's high time he learns how to deal with this on his own. It really sucks that it's come to this but remember this saying. "If you love something let it free. If it comes back to you it's meant to be." I've always believed in that. Don't sell yourself short, you deserve more. Good luck and keep us posted!!!

[Corlain]

I do have a thought on this. You have gone through the hard times with him. The reason for his lack of motivation around you may be partially because he actually (its odd, I know) associates you with the way he feels about diabetes. Its actually quite easy to do.

He may perk up when his brother is around, because he hasn't had those experiences with him as much and can escape from himself for a while. Being around his brother may make him forget that he's diabetic for a while, if that's really the source.

What needs to happen is he needs to be honest and open with you. Open about his thoughts, and honest about the way feels about things. REALLY honest. His depression may have been spurred on by the diabetes, but its not controlled by it. Jason Jayhawk is right, you have a life to live to. You can be someone who gives and gives no matter what, but that's not sustainable. Eventually resentment sets in and things become seemingly impossible to salvage.

My advice is to get a copy of a book called "his needs/ her needs". Its from a guy named Dr. Harley, and he's saved tons of marriages and relationships. He saved mine, and I didn't think that was possible. This book is my other bible.

- speaking from experience

[giggs]

I wanted to thank you all for responses and time. So the update...hes getting better and his last A1C count was about 7.something. So good, hes handling I can see. Things with us are getting better, or we just not been talking really. Our relationship has kinda taken a weird turn.....Im moving out in at the end of the summer, or at least I hope I am. Hes not happy and thinks were back stepping but I want it to be a good thing. I want it to be positive and new step for us. But who knows what will happen. Also the room mate I want is a guy from work, sooo Im sure you guys understand now the hesitance on his part. Plus my brothers don't agree either.
Hes getting a job....hopefully but its a dog walking job,:confused:
3x a week and Im not sure about his. Hes going to school in the fall but were both 26 and going to school but I thought we'd have somewhat of a normal life right now. Thought we'd BOTH be working towards our goal. :mad: Oh well life is never how you want it to be right?!
Other than that, its okay I guess. Thanks for all the support guys.
B

[luvMyHusband]

Im a girlfriend of a type 1 diabetic.I need help, advice, support. Please any support would do.

He is so depressed, tired, NEVER in the mood:bawling:
, moody, in denial, irritable, sad, unmotivated, etc. He stopped working in november, has been sitting around ever since. He is finally getting help for the depression. And Im burned out :argh:.
Im tired of trying and getting no where.
I know people here are mainly diabetic, but Im sure you can offer advice. What more can I do? I know more about his diabetes than he does, and I help where ever I can.We have been been together for over 10 years now, on and off. I love him or id be done by now, but that time is nearing......any advice is welcomed.

Just last year I was in the same situation as you... except my husband REFUSES to quit working. I think it has helped him alot. It helps to keep him from dwelling on the things he can't control and occupies his mind with things he can , like tasks @ work.
My husband didn't even want to have kids with me, in fear of passing his diabetes on to them... but we now have a beautiful baby boy and he wouldn't trade him for anything i the world. We are both 21 and it is hard to make a living because of the cost of his medication... but as long as we help each other handle the stress, we get through. We BOTH suffer from frequent depression and setbacks with him handling the stress... he doesn't even like to go to his Dr. visits or even check his blood sugar. I have to constantly stay on to him & most of the time we even fight about it. It is hard, and there are FEW people in the world who understand how hard it is to be involved with a stubborn man who happens to also have type 1 diabetes. The only thing that seems to help when nothing else does is this... let him know that when he hurts, you hurt... when he's sad, mad. or frustrated, so are you. He may not of chosen to have diabetes, but if he hangs in there he will be a better man because of it. Most importantly, let him know that you are there for him, even when he wants to be left alone...

[jassi]

Hello everybody.

Being a diabetic patient is not that easy because this is not an ailment which is going to be cured; one has to live with it. My cousin has it and she is in a similar situation. A single injury can be very harmful to her. Gosh! Yesterday she got a small cut on her finger, luckily there were wound bandages at home and I bandaged it. At least there won’t be infection. Hope that it will be healed. I have to keep her medicines in stock; I don’t know when I’ll need it. I keep on ordering my medicines from Buy BACTIGRAS Online Now. I do not like to leave her on her own; I place all her orders and I even accompany her for her checkups. My cousin is a very sensitive person just like your boyfriend. But please make sure that you do not show pity on them.

[marchez]

People are complex. Life is tough enough on us without having to deal with chronic health problems.

Unfortunately, people who don't want to help themselves can't be helped.

Some people take longer to come around and when you have depression in the mix, it can substantially complicate healing mentally from a shocking and life altering moment like learning that you have diabetes.

I don't have specfic advise but removing stressors is key. Move to a better city/town, remove things that you have control over to lessen tension.

Best of luck and take care of yourself too...go get a massage and relax!

[Hikeandbike]

Some one has probably said this but have him join this forum!
I'm newly Dx and don't post much but just reading a learning about eveyone else has helped tremendously. Was in a bad way but you all helped very much.
Rich

[Mick]

Living with a diabetic, under ANY circumstances, can be difficult from time to time, and loving one can be torture occasionally. In the world of diabetes, it takes ONE--the diabetic--to command that particular universe. Unless HE is the Master of his Diabetic Universe, all is lost, forget it... BUT, in the world of successful relationships, it always takes TWO, and in equally present and responsible doses--or all is lost. I know this because my late wife married me IN SPITE of my diabetes, in spite of her parents disowning her because of my diabetes, in spite of her fears of my eventual future complications and what her mother told her would be a lifetime of caring for a cripple, under financial hardship, until she became a too-young widow. We eloped, ran away together at the age of 21, and to **** with everyone. We had an attitude of "Us against the world", and a lot to prove--so we did, we did it all--finished college, put one another thru graduate school, began successful careers, bought a house, tried to have children... HA!! Now THAT was ironic--the worries were always that I would have the problems--maybe I couldn't father children--but it turned out that SHE could not concieve. Didn't matter--we adopted 2 beautiful, smart wondeful babies, raised them into great young adults. I did not burden my wife (too much) with my diabetes--I took care of it, but WE took care of one another--IF I was having some "diabetes problems" (mostly lows), she was always there. But it was always mutual--I also supported HER various difficult patches, there was always a certain equality--that's what lasting, fulfilling relationships are built from. Funny thing is, what everyone told her all those 34 years ago was absolutely wrong. They are all dead now--every one of them, her parents, my parents, and my loving, devoted, patient wife, all dead and buried--I outlived them all, me the crippled, disabled, doomed diabetic. ****ed if I didn't outlive them all just to prove them wrong about me! You just never know... It takes two, my darling--and it appears you are playing a mostly solo game here. It takes two EQUAL partners, two equal in devotion, in caring, in loyalty, in energy, in love and passion, to make a lasting loving relationship. Think about that before deciding anything...

Michael

[56sushi]

I felt really sad, reading your original posts and replies. You sound so lonely. I have watched my son and his gf go through similiar struggles. He was Rx in Jan. , hit with the rare complication of insulin neuritis in Feb. (still can't walk) and much of his anger, fear and frustration falls upon his 21 yr. old gf to cope with.
I can only offer a few suggestions. You have a right to have your needs for physical and emotional intimacy met. You have a right to have some fun. It is not too much to ask that he attend a movie with you. If you want to tough it out a bit longer I would tell him about your lonliness. I would tell him that memories and love aren't enough, that you need nurturing too. If you can offer a few specific suggestion, like "I want us to go out 1 night every few weeks," or "i still need to be held."
You sound like a really giving person but IMO there is an element of self pity in his wallowing that he needs to understand is erroding your relationship. I hope you haven't established a pattern of denying your own needs that he has come to accept as the norm, because he is sick.
I also hope that you maintain other relationships and friendships. This bothers my son about his gf but I think it helps keep her sane and upbeat as he struggles through some things that may cause him to become permanently disabled.
I wish you the best and hope that he is able to see what he may be losing.