Hi, Need To Talk To Other Diabetes Caretakers

[jillian8981]

HI, I'm 27 years old and still living at home to care for my diabetic mother. She often has hypoglecemic episodes (I'm sorry, I'm not that well-versed in diabetic language), and these situations are horrible. She is combative and a serious danger to herself and even me sometimes.

My problem is, I want to move out, but I'm afraid something terrible will happen to her. Her diabetes could be under her control, but she often makes bad decisions (getting too much physical activity, not eating enough, taking too much insulin). She also makes me feel incredibly guilty because I sometimes get angry, hurt, or upset that she doesn't make a better effort to control her diabetes. She resists believing that she CAN control her diabetes. She thinks, in fact, that she has the situation under control.

Last night, I needed the police to restrain her so the EMTs could administer glucose.

I need to move out but I feel like I'm signing her death warrant. Please tell me someone out there understands!

[notme]

Jillian, I am so sorry you are going through this tough time with your Mother.

Your situation is tough, but you have to know that there are MANY people on these boards that have diabetes that care for themselves. It sounds as if your Mother is using her diabetes to keep you close. I think your best bet is to go with your mother and see her diabetes doctor or primary care physician and explain to them that you need to move on and you would like to know what options are available for your mother for her care. Your doctor will know if your Mother truly is capible of her own care and will be better able to advise you.

Yes....we understand. This must be so hard on you.

Good luck and welcome to the forums.

[jillian8981]

Thanks for your reply. My difficulty is, my mother will not do anything to change her situation. She refuses to believe there is a situation. So, it is technically her choice to endanger her health. I just feel like, even though it isnt anybody's responsibility, somebody still needs to take responsibility, no matter how unfair. I mean, she really will die.

[princesslinda]

Bless your heart Jillian! I feel for you and the situation you're in. My mom was a really bad diabetic, and I know how it feels to watch someone you love have all these problems and be unwilling to do what needs to be done to help themselves.

The bottom line is that your mom needs to be able to know enough about her condition and to care enough about her condition to do what needs to be done WITHOUT your prompting. Your being there is only enabling her to continue to be irresponsible about her health.

That being said, I know you love your mom and are understandably conflicted about what to do. No one can tell you what to do, as you have to live with any decision you make. Please realize though that YOU have the right to live your life and do things that make you happy and complete. If you mom didn't have you, she would be forced to learn to care for herself.

Perhaps you could sign up for a diabetes education course for your mom and both of you go and take it. If you mom balks at it, tell her there will be a time when you won't be there to help her 24 hrs a day and you want her to be able to care for herself when that ever happens. After she goes through the course and you know she is well-informed on her care, perhaps you could start going away for a day or so at a time on occasion so she has to fend for herself, even if you just spend the night with a friend. The first time or so, call her once and see how she's doing...after that, don't call. Then, you could possible spend a week away. Once you (and your mom) see that you can leave and she can manage, I think you'll be able to have more freedom and peace of mind and can get on with your life. If she refuses to do this, you'll have to start weaning her away from her dependance on you anyway.

You are a good daughter, and it's time you were able to be a good daughter AND have a life. I wish you the best.

Linda

[KritterMom]

You are a wonderful person for taking care of your mother! But, you need your own life too. You have come to a wonderful place, full of very caring people who can help. I'm very glad you found us! Welcome!:)

[jillian8981]

The worst of all of this is the images I have in my head of the way she is when her sugar goes low. The screaming and yelling and throwing things around and taking off her clothes in front of strangers (the police, EMTs). Does anybody relate to this? Am I the only one???

Thank you. I just need someone to understand. There really isn't a solution, although I appreciate you all offering them. She wont go to a support group, and if she did, she would not listen. I do spend nights away at my boyfriend's house, but I call regularly to check on her. What would happen if I didnt? She is a former alcoholic who now has liver disease and diabetes. She is very much like a child, who believes what she wants to, even if it is not based on reality. I know you may think I am a good person, but sometimes I wish she had died years ago when she first got the liver disease, which the doctors believed might happen. Now, I just have to watch, watch, watch.

[princesslinda]

Sounds like there may be more going on with your mom than just low blood sugars. Does she see her doctor regularly? If so, you should go with her and talk with him in an aside about all that's happening. It may be that she would greatly benefit from some type of counseling.

I think it would be great if you could find someone to talk to as well, to help you shoulder some of the pain and responsibility you feel. It is hard when the parent-child roles are reversed as in your situation. I think your feelings are perfectly normal considering all you have been through, so try not to feel guilty for your thoughts.

As you know, things can't possibly go on as they are now without something bad eventually happening, whether you are there or not. Just remember, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Ultimately, she is in charge of her own life.

[jillian8981]

Thanks. I have been in counseling for this. She's in counseling, she sees all of her doctors regularly and has had her social worker talk to her doctors. Everybody is aware of what is happening. I agree- something bad will eventually happen. I just need people to talk to me. It's very helpful. It reinforces what I know, although I dont feel it- that this really isn't my responsibility. Thanks.

[Siren]

Get her a cell phone and instruct that she's to keep it on her at all times. Establish times that you WILL call her (7 AM, noon, 5 pm, 10 pm or some other interval you agree on). My parents did this with me when I was away at college. That does 2 things: 1. if she doesn't pick up, you have cause to call the EMTs and police (IDD is a serious disorder, especially given her history) 2. if she does pick up, she still feels like you are around and care. 3. it lets you breathe, which it sounds like you need desperately.

Additionally, what everyone else said. Meet with her doctor.

Good luck!

[SueM]

Hi Jillan,
Harsh though it may sound you are not your mothers keeper.

Sounds really mean but video her when she goes hypo like that and when she is sane and sensible show her the video.
Then say cherio and go away for a week or 2.

Your health is important too so think of your self for a change inform the Drs/case workers etc that you need a break and are going.

My great aunt was a pain in the *** like this always demanding and expecting everyone to go a running when she had 1 of her turns i,e, a hypo.
Her pure selfishness nearly killed her brother (my Grandfather) so a stop was put to her game Grandfather came to stay with us for a few weeks. She had 2 choices ...........live or die........

[Who?]

Move out. The others have said it all.