Diabetes-based conversation

[Ryan.C]

I joined this forum because I'm faced with a problem I had never considered before. I'm a 21 year old male, about to graduate college, and in love for the first time in my life. I haven't talked to anyone about my diabetes on a personal level since grade school and have never felt a need to. Now, when my girlfriend asks me questions I suddenly feel ackward and defensive and usually end the conversation in what I fear may be a blunt manner. I know I need to open up to her about my diabetes, but I need advice on innitiating the conversation and what information a person with no experience with diabetes might want to know. Any help would be more than appreciated.

[Who?]

Why do you have to initiate the conversation? If she has asked questions and you have responded in the way you said, perhaps you should try a bit harder to respond in a better manner.

This is supposed to be someone that you care about.

[JanTx]

Try a mental role-reversal. If SHE had a health issue that affected her daily life what would YOU need to know about it? Would you do some research so you'd know as much as possible? Would you want to be helpful and not overbearing? What information would you need to make that happen?

My daughter has a heart condition - she looks great and is VERY active, but ... she passes out if she stands still for very long and her heart tends to stop when she passes out. She must NOT get dehydrated as this increases the problem. Her husband - before he was her husband - was wonderful (still is for that matter!). His mother even asked him why on earth he'd want to spend his life with someone who had such problems! But .. it's just part of her - part of the package. Together they deal with this - because it does affect them both. When they were first dating it was a bit difficult to slip into a conversation, "Oh, by the way, do you know CPR?", but .. they managed to deal with it all.

So ... flip it - be casual, but informative. It's part of the package, but certainly not the main part. As far as bringing it up - especially if she's hesitant after a previous "blunt" response - next time it affects you when you're together - You need a shot, you make a food choice based on a carb count, you're feeling a bit hypo - explain it to her. Knowledge is power and not knowing is scary!

Good luck!

[DeusXM]

Firstly, I'm assuming your girlfriend is already aware you have diabetes.

The best thing I've found is to just do your 'diabetes' stuff in front of her like it's totally normal. Inject in front of her. Do your BGs in front of her. Treat it as if everyone does these sorts of things anyway. This will make you seem more approachable and then she'll initiate conversations. No doubt she'll ask questions that are loading with misconceptions. Listen to these and let her say them, and then politely but firmly correct her.

If your relationship's going pretty well, stuff will just 'come up' in general conversation. The one thing you absolutely must do though is make it 100% clear that she should NEVER inject insulin into you, regardless of how ill you are or whatever. The problem is that because insulin is seen as the 'medicine' for diabetes, it's seen as the solution to all the problems - and of course the most obvious problem we face as people with diabetes is hypoglycaemia, which is the worst possible time to inject insulin!

Basically the best advice I can give is that if you treat your diabetes and the associated regime as something perfectly normal, those close to you will too.

[gnstriker]

I think DeusXM is correct.

I was reluctant at first simply because i didn't think my g/f would understand and i'd have to go through and explain *everything* to her ... but really, with her, I just brought it up once and she started asking questions about this or that. After that ... giving a shot or testing blood sugar in front of her is no big deal. Now i've got her keeping my humalog pen in her purse when we go out and she's always sneaking a peek at my dexcom meter to see what number it's at.

I guess in the end it depends on what kind of girl she is.

Just try not to let it get to the point where she gets too involved and starts nagging you "WHY IS YOUR BLOOD < 70, DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICINE, DID YOU BRING A NEEDLE WITH YOU???"

I will say while dating I found it very VERY difficult to throw it into conversation ... though, I've learned the hard way it's best to bring it up before you sleep with her lest you have to stop halfway through from severe hypoglycemia and then explain what happened after wards ... so embarassing ...

[Cyborg]

Something caused your pancreas to stop putting out insulin. It's not your fault and you didn't wish it upon yourself. Now you do what you have to in order to survive, just as any other type 1 diabetic would do. Start by showing her what you have to do to survive.

BTW, Welcome aboard...

[REDLAN]

my girlfriends usually found out about my diabetes when I got my needles out...

...if they stayed then I figured they were OK with it.

I've been with my current partner (we're married now) for 12 years, and she still asks questions, and I still explain stuff to her. She's even asked to come to the clinic with me to learn more about my diabetes, although I did say no to that one.

I do have a suggestion though - the next time your diabetes is brought up, why don't you use it as an opportunity to explain why you don't feel comfortable talking about your diabetes - that way your girlfriend will understand why you're offhand sometimes, and you may find it will help you feel more comfortable answering the questions she has.

[LancetChick]

If you are responsible about managing your diabetes, then I don't understand your reluctance to be open about it. I've never known anyone who tried to interfere with or question my management decisions in the 21 years I've had this, and I've found that even young children stop paying attention when I shoot up after they've seen it done a few times.

[glashalful]

She's even asked to come to the clinic with me to learn more about my diabetes, although I did say no to that one.

I'm curious why you wouldn't let her go with you? I think it's great she wanted to go!

[DeusXM]

I'm curious why you wouldn't let her go with you? I think it's great she wanted to go!

Nah, I understand that. For me, diabetes is 'my thing' and whilst I'll talk about it openly, clinic is 'me' time where I talk one-on-one with my care team.

I agree it's great that she wants to come with you but I personally would politely decline. Another part of it is because my clinic has a clientele that is reminiscent of the Parade of the ****ed - oxygen tanks, limbs missing, some of the most unusual body shapes you'd ever have the misfortune to see. I still hold that these are people who don't treat their diabetes as seriously as I do. Unfortunately it can be hard to get this across to an outside observer and frankly I wouldn't want to scare my girlfriend into thinking I'm going to end up like that.

though, I've learned the hard way it's best to bring it up before you sleep with her lest you have to stop halfway through from severe hypoglycemia and then explain what happened after wards ... so embarassing ...

Yeah, that is definitely not fun. At least we can draw some consolation that it's probably happened to all us guys with diabetes. Though I always find that sexual activity (be it the full shebang or 'other') has a catastrophic effect on my basal needs for hours after 'play', which can make things phenomenally difficult to manage, diabetically speaking. On the plus side though, having diabetes does also have its benefits in the bedroom - there's another thread on here and if you do a search for 'pineapple' you'll probably find it...:vroam:

[Mayflower]

HI.......my name is Susan. You are probably a type 1, where as I am a Type 2. I just wanted to let you know that honesty is the best policy. Having said that, I would suggest you start by asking HER some questions. What does she know about diabetes, does she know anyone with it....things like that. Having had it for as long as you have.....you probably have it under control, however, if something were to happen to that control and you were to have a low or pass out in her presence.....doesn't she need to know how to deal with it. If you are serious about this girl, and she is about you, diabetes is not going to turn her away. Offer to teach her anything she wants to know that you can help her with. Remember to "be there for her" and remember that she may have to learn about this from the ground up, so things that are now second nature to you.....are probably very new to her.
I hope I haven't been too blunt, and it certainly was not my intention to be rude. Good Luck.......
Susan (I hope this helps)

[BriOnH]

I joined this forum because I'm faced with a problem I had never considered before. I'm a 21 year old male, about to graduate college, and in love for the first time in my life. I haven't talked to anyone about my diabetes on a personal level since grade school and have never felt a need to. Now, when my girlfriend asks me questions I suddenly feel ackward and defensive and usually end the conversation in what I fear may be a blunt manner. I know I need to open up to her about my diabetes, but I need advice on innitiating the conversation and what information a person with no experience with diabetes might want to know. Any help would be more than appreciated.

Are you that way when your mother asks you question about your diabetes?
lol jk, well kinda ;) Great advice here, welcome aboard. Great people here.

[Erin]

It's difficult having the diabetes conversation with someone you're serious about... but there's no reason to have a big sit down talk about it. I have always injected in front of my bf, and for the first few MONTHS of our relationship it would serve as a conversation starter... until he felt like he knew enough about diabetes to really understand. The first few conversations were me explaining what I was doing, then explaining what diabetes was, and why I needed to do them... then we danced around complications... We never had a big serious talk about diabetes... it was a slow process... and we only talked as much as was comfortable for both of us each time.

You might want to try having several mini-conversations... it would let the information really sink in with her, and give you time to warm into talking about it.

[REDLAN]

I'm curious why you wouldn't let her go with you? I think it's great she wanted to go!

This was a few years ago, and there were a couple of doctors whose main technique was to tell you the horror stories about diabetes - if you don't do this you will die horribly etc. etc.

which I personally found a great de-motivator in keeping on top of things - as I said once - so if I'm going to die horribly, what's the point in trying hmmm?

The last thing I needed was my partner having to sit thru one of those your boyfriend will die horribly, unless he lives like a monk makes sure he weighs less than a skeleton, and never touches another drop of fat again. kind of lectures one of my doctors seemed fond of giving.

[C_HallT1.5]

Hello Ryan,

I am Chris (35 year old) and I have had Type 1 for seven months. Living with diabetes is not an easy thing to do but it makes it better when you can talk to someone who is experiences it. Being in love is natural but when trying to
build a serious relationship, you have to communicate especially when it comes to your health. One question you might ask your girlfriend is does diabetes run in your family? Based on her response might give you a clue on how to
brace yourself and steer the conversation about your health.

She might surprise you and be supportive and admire you for being honest. If you aren't subscribed to Diabetes Forecast,
make sure you do. It is a good resource for diabetics and non-diabetics alike in terms of preventative measures. Also, check and see if there are any local diabetic support groups that
your girlfriend and you can attend (if she is interested).

Don't fear being honest. If she can't support you with your diabetes, she may not be the girlfriend for you because as a diabetic you need support from those who are close to you.
Take care, Ryan....

Chris

[lennybruce]

I was diagnosed shortly after becoming single again after 12 years. I felt disheartened and broken. its been 14 months since then and I am doing great physically. Also having much fun being single. I bring up my diabetes with women pretty quickly. they know about it the first time we eat together as I shoot up at the table. I want them to know what I go through. I have been amazed at how understanding and compassionate most people have been. I'm dating someone now who is just great and asks how my #'s are and if I remembered by night shot. I'd been working my program so hard and alone for so long, it has been really gratifying to have someone else care about how I'm doing. Your girlfriend wants to understand and be helpful and supportive. If you open up a bit, you might find some relief in having someone who cares and backs you up.

funny story - at dinner, first date. i'm doing my quiet casual injection under the table before eating and date asks "What, are you praying?" (I was doing myquiet 30 count). I said "no, shooting up." she laughed, I laughed and the thai crispy duck was awesome

[DanG]

Nah, I understand that. For me, diabetes is 'my thing' and whilst I'll talk about it openly, clinic is 'me' time where I talk one-on-one with my care team.

Care Team?
WOW!!
I avoid seeing the doc - I just do.
I guess I went without seeing the doc for about 15 years, as I could get the scripts without having a doctor prescription in Colorado. Then I moved, and the pharmacy required a prescription. We knew a doc that called in the prescription, and then that ended - so, now I gotta see a doc to get prescriptions. Anyhoo, I went without seeing a doc for quite a few years.

Okay - this thread isn't about Care Team...
My girlfriend and I about 3 months before we got married walked in to the emergency room where they pronounced me diabetic with bs in the 900 range if I recall correctly - walking dead, pretty close call. Three days later, I was out of there, as I had no insurance at the time, fresh out of school. I forget how we paid that bill off - prolly not as large a bill as the med bills are today.

So, my wife knows my diabetes, but she doesn't. I speak when I need to, but she never sees me shoot up or test - that is my stuff. Not that I hide, but it is nothing to see, really.

So, I am not in the situation that this thread originator is in. I think a marriage is much more than practice making babies, and making babies. I like this lady and am amazed at how much that is true - listened to Clapton - Wonderful Tonight recently and... yep!

So, I wouldn't worry about speaking proper for the lady - say what you need for the lady, and if she still is there, she might be the one to settle with. Make the commitment, as keeping commitments is a good character building thing and makes the whole affair just that much less a thing to concern yourself, as you and she have made the commitment to each other. And, that is a wonderful thing in my experience after 33 years.

[gnstriker]

Has anyone here used diabetes as a pretext to strike up a conversation with a member of the opposite sex, or had a relationship spawn out of it? In college i'd try to do so if i saw a girl with a pump hanging out, figuring it'd be a (using this term loosely) great thing to have in common. Didn't exactly pan out unfortunately ... but it seemed a good idea at the time.

[REDLAN]

Has anyone here used diabetes as a pretext to strike up a conversation with a member of the opposite sex

nope (",)

I personally find it a turn off, and things don't tend to go very well if you start the conversation off with...

"Hi, I'm Mark, and I'm a diabetic..."

I was chatted up by a girl once and she mentioned that she had diabetes within the first 2 minutes of us talking, which I found kinda weird - I tried really hard to steer the conversation away from diabetes.

[gnstriker]

well ... i certainly wouldn't start it off with the obligatory Alcoholics Anonymous line ... but something along the lines of "hey how's your pump working out ... i was going to get one but ..."

i can see where it'd be a turn off with non-diabetic folk, but if you've both got it, no sense in avoiding common ground. Sounds good in theory anyways.

[willow the elf]

OK, I type first b4 I read the rest of the posts. Think very hard about this. Has your blood-sugar ever dropped while you were with her? You aren't drunk but staggering around and slurring your words, repeating things over and over, not making a connection with what your mouth is saying and you are thinking. Shouldn't she know about this b4 it happens? Shouldn't she know what to do to help? You do not have a STD, or any other contagious disease. You can get some info from the doc's office to let her read while you try to explain what it is going wacko with your body.

[kayla2001]

Hello my name is kayla and i am 24 yrs old i just got diagnosed with type 2 in august 2006....now i feel like i am the only one in my 20's that has it....i get so scared when i think about it and i dont know what to do..i am on medication but i still think about the bad things that can happen like sometime my chest hurts and it's really hard to breathe and my right leg sometime hurts and the pain never feels like it goes away....i dont know what is going on...i try to eat good food but i eat out alot and i cook alto at home for me and my husband and i still feel like i am eating the wrong foods and i still basically eat what i want cause i am a big fan of pizza and when we order pizza i tend to eat alot like 5 or 6 pieces so i dunno i just know i am really scared and i am afraid of getting the complications when i get older can anyone help me?
thank u