Depression, exasperation, settling the bar bill on the Hindenberg

[georgepds]

A new type 2 poster on diagnosis and initial treatment was felling a little down, to which Linda replied

..
There's a depression element to any lifechanging diagnosis, and that, too, can make you tired.


So as not to hijack the original post, I started a new thread .

I'd characterize my reaction on diagnosis as exasperation, not depression. It was just one more thing to deal with, but of higher importance than the others, considering the downsides. I admit, once I began to realize the downsides (dialysis, amputation and blindness), I walked around the house for a week saying I'm screwed, screwed, screwed... then I went to work on diet.

One characteristic of depression is the inability to deal with outside stress (retreating into a place of darkness). If you deal with your problems, I'd say you're not depressed. Granted, considering the small response I've got for my early efforts, it feels a little like settling the bar bill on the Hindenberg (nice but inconsequential considering the end game)

Anyone else want to chime in? We're you depressed, or did you have some other reaction? Anyone else have the "I'm screwed" reaction?

--G

[Dawn]

Hi G...when I was first diagnosed I was overwhelmed and terrified (pretty much the I'm screwed reaction you described). It seemed that everything I read was about the complications and I just thought I was on that path and any second it would happen...I was hyper focused. While I was 'dealing' with my problems and learning and researching like crazy - it was scary and I felt my body was doing things that I didn't sign up for. I did experience depression. The impact of hearing I had an incurable disease was huge. Once I was able to adjust and settle and breath....I did at times feel exasparated...med changes, meter readings, introducing new foods that didn't work, etc. I would often feel annoyed...which I think for many is a normal reaction to the whole process of learning to manage and integrate this into our lives.

[princesslinda]

I remember having a class once where depression was defined as "anger turned inward." For me, that defines exactly how I felt. I knew that I was overweight, didn't get proper exercise and didn't eat right. I knew that I had a strong family history of diabetes, yet I willingly, and stupidly, lived a life of excess yet was surprised when it was time to "pay the piper." At the moment of diagnosis, I felt hopeless. I felt that it was all my fault.

I did feel "i'm screwed." I had watched my mom struggle with diabetic complications for many years and die at age 54...yep, "Screwed" sounded about right.

I think as we learn how to treat our problem and can see positive results, our mindset shifts to a more hopeful attitude as well.

I'm sure it wasn't true depression, as it resolved without the benefit of meds and didn't cause any "physical" problems, but depression is the best word for it that I can think of.


At this point, one year after diagnosis, I don't waste a lot of time "worrying" about what might happen...I do what I can to keep complications at bay and hope for the best. There've been some really serious illness in my family lately, which has really helped me have a different perspective.

[Michiko]

You could have hijacked :) my post...I mean.

I feel like screwed... totally.. but then there is a feeling of "I can do it". Like Linda, I too have seen family members having serious complication when I was growing up. This experience became my anxiety.

So these feelings can really lead to depression, but I don't think I am *depressed* but *worried.. and a bit freaking out*. I accept the feelings of "worried and freaking out.." but looking at the bright side and dealing with the health issue... I feel that I am not going toward depression. Expressing my feelings on this forum has been great... and I think I am tasting different types of coping.. to overcome this difficult time. I also think that how I am feeling is definitely valid feeling and I am accepting that as well. I think that is the most important thing. It is okay to get freaked out.. but what I am going to do about it is more important to me right now.

If I were going to fall into "freaking out..." and thinking "there is no way out.." and not going out, or not being active for anything then maybe I would need to see depression specialist..(therapist or psychiatrist)..

That is my opinion.

[shockme]

i felt frustrated and overwhelmed...but it didn't hit me til i got my meter in the mail. i opened the box,checked it out,went and took a shower and cried my eyes out. getting the meter made it "real".... trish

[Michiko]

i felt frustrated and overwhelmed...but it didn't hit me til i got my meter in the mail. i opened the box,checked it out,went and took a shower and cried my eyes out. getting the meter made it "real".... trish

I can totally understand that. Even I was diagnosed officially yesterday.. I went to get Metformin at pharmacy.. looking at all the blood test supplies.. lined up ... I was like "I am going to use that very very soon.." I know what you mean.. Just remember myself standing frozen in front of there... ya.. that was hard..

[volleyball]

A new type 2 poster on diagnosis and initial treatment was felling a little down, to which Linda replied



So as not to hijack the original post, I started a new thread .

I'd characterize my reaction on diagnosis as exasperation, not depression. It was just one more thing to deal with, but of higher importance than the others, considering the downsides. I admit, once I began to realize the downsides (dialysis, amputation and blindness), I walked around the house for a week saying I'm screwed, screwed, screwed... then I went to work on diet.

One characteristic of depression is the inability to deal with outside stress (retreating into a place of darkness). If you deal with your problems, I'd say you're not depressed. Granted, considering the small response I've got for my early efforts, it feels a little like settling the bar bill on the Hindenberg (nice but inconsequential considering the end game)

Anyone else want to chime in? We're you depressed, or did you have some other reaction? Anyone else have the "I'm screwed" reaction?

--G

I am sure anyone diagnosed as an adult has some sad feelings. Word to describe our feelings are our own. feeling depression is not the same as being clinically depressed which is what I think you think of when you hear of the word.
I felt surprised, then a bit of denial, then saddened, then acceptance, and lastly command of the situation.

[xMenace]

Depression Worse than Diabetes, Asthma and Arthritis |Health News in Ireland | vhi.ie (http://www.vhi.ie/news/n110907a.jsp)

Depression Worse than Diabetes, Asthma and Arthritis

Depression is a more disabling condition for sufferers than angina, arthritis, asthma and diabetes, new research from the World Health Organization (WHO) shows.

The survey involved over 245,000 people from 60 countries. It asked people questions about their general health, sleep patterns, pain levels, management of everyday tasks, and memory and concentration problems.

Researchers found that:

Depression has the biggest effect on worsening health
People with depression in addition to another chronic illness such as diabetes are particularly worse off.
Lead researcher Dr Somnath Chatterji said better treatment for depression would improve people's overall health.

"These results indicate the urgency of addressing depression as a public health priority to reduce disease burden and disability, and to improve the overall health of populations,” he said.

The research was published in The Lancet.



Posted Tuesday 11th September 2007

[georgepds]

i felt frustrated and overwhelmed...but it didn't hit me til i got my meter in the mail. i opened the box,checked it out,went and took a shower and cried my eyes out. getting the meter made it "real".... trish

For me it was just a little later. I'd been measuring about a month and my morning FBG were still around 150. Just for "fun" my wife asked to be tested. She put down here cigarette, expertly pricked her finger (Nurse J has a lot of experience) , and read 87

That made it real. There was a person I knew and loved, indulging in the reviled habit du jour (I never smoked) who had no problem. That's when I knew it was "real", that i had it, and it was not just a fluke.

[volleyball]

i felt frustrated and overwhelmed...but it didn't hit me til i got my meter in the mail. i opened the box,checked it out,went and took a shower and cried my eyes out. getting the meter made it "real".... trish


Now you probably look forward to getting a new meter.

[Dawn]

That made it real. There was a person I knew and loved, indulging in the reviled habit du jour (I never smoked) who had no problem. That's when I knew it was "real", that i had it, and it was not just a fluke.

Reading your post reminded me that I too was in a place of disbelief. I felt certain that the blood tests were wrong or that it was just a fluke that I had such a high count. My friend ran me around all day to buy the meter and strips and books and stops for crying. We got back to her place and she was reading the directions for the meter and helping me to know what to do and I tested and it didn't seem too high so I was even more convinced that they got it wrong. Of course I barely ate a thing that day since I didn't know what was 'safe'. I was just convinced it was an error. Then I ate. Then I knew.

[moorejames]

My diagnosis hit me out of the blue, since all I had gone in for was a complete physical. I felt like i got kicked in the guts. I was in total disbelief when I hung up the phone.

I gave myself a few days to wallow in self pity, then I got to work.

Every now and then I'll let myself fall back into self-pity mode. It's therapeutic somehow....

[dbc]

My diagnosis hit me out of the blue, since all I had gone in for was a complete physical. I felt like i got kicked in the guts. I was in total disbelief when I hung up the phone.


Much the same experience for me. Depressed? yes definitely for some weeks, and occassionally still now. But probably not "clinically" depressed.

Not sure I know the difference between the depression and self-pity

[shockme]

Now you probably look forward to getting a new meter.

YES! i couldn't wait to get my free onetouch mini...gonna get a free freestyle and a free-with -rebate one touch ultra! trish

[princesslinda]

Now you probably look forward to getting a new meter.

I think when we actually reach the point that we look forward to need needles, a new code on our strips or a new s/f candy, it's one way we can tell we have finally "made peace" with our diagnosis and have finally accepted diabetes as just another part of life. It's a good place to be.

[mike9876]

Does everybody go through the its all my own fault phase and gets angry at why didn't do something sooner to stop T2 developing. I have stopped beating myself up about my diabetes, I don't think anything I would of done would of stopped it. The very first signs were in my mid to late 20's I get yeast/thrush infection. I had a rubbish doctor who didn't pick up on it. This was when I used to do 2 to 3 hours walking everyday. The diabetes still came on when I was 45. I can't say I had a model diet and exercise since being dx. I felt down and would comfort eat and not feel like doing anything. Then I would get angry with myself for eating the wrong things and not doing any exercise and this would be followed by more depression.

Its not easy dealing with this disease because you need food to live but the food is killing you. Its not like somebody who gets a disease and is told to stop smoking, we can't stop eating. Non diabetics think controlling this disease is just a case what and how much you eat and if you say I am running high today, then comes what have you been eating, sweets cakes. No, I am just running high. And you know they are think its all your fault been eating the wrong food. That can get you down because everybody is a expert but don't have a clue what they are on about but they still judge you. Go into a supermarket and you are surrounded by forbidden food everywhere, it makes it very hard. I would love to see the know it all's non diabetics cope with going into a supermarket and over the 70% of the products are a no, no.

[Dawn]

You are right...this is one of those things that you have to have to really be able to understand it. I knew that being overweight and not as active as I should have been was a health risk...but for some reason it just seemed too far away that it didn't feel real...until it happened. Then I felt devastated. It is not easy and many remain ignorant and want to offer blame, judgment or advice. Many are trying to be helpful I think - but they just don't know. I don't feel shame or guilt right now, although I did go through that when I was struggling to lose weight (prior to diagnosis). Something happened when I was diagnosed...something amazing...I was 'shocked' into health essentially. I was so scared and terrified and felt such betrayal at my body that I was scared to eat anything initially. I finally learned how to eat better and was able to lose weight. This does not mean however that I still don't need comfort food...I do...but I found ways to feel comfort with food that won't make my bg rise. We're all in this together...thanks for sharing how you feel at times.

[Spartan300]

I was totally shocked when I was diagnosed. First, I was an avid runner from the age of 18 who had trained for and finished three marathons, the last one in 2000. Second, I always thought I took after my mother's side of the family. They had their own set of problems, but diabetes wasn't one of them. So how did diabetes creep up on me? It was a total blind spot. At that time, my Dad had been diabetic for over 30 years. I never acknowledged that, yes, I had some of his genes too.

After getting past the shock, I kept asking myself why I spent all that time exercising and watching my diet when it didn't amount to a hill of beans. I did the exact opposite of what I was supposed to do; I totally backed off the exercise and diet.

Over time, as my numbers would never consistently improve, I began to feel like Scrooge in Dickens' A Christmas Carol, talking to the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. I'd go through the list: my grandfather, uncles, aunts, and my father, who all had diabetes and complications. Was this the way my life will be, or could I change it?

I really can't put my finger on one thing that made me start changing my behavior. I think I just got sick of being angry and hopeless. It took a while. There have been a few false starts. But for some reason I feel I've reached a point where I've come to terms with what I have to do. Time will tell.

[Jan B]

Even though I'm a Type 1, I also go through the guilt of not taking better care of myself before I got Type 1, and now I have guilt for some of the typical complications I'm getting after 28 yrs. of having D.

For a long time, it really ticked me off to read in the obituaries, anything like "due to complications of diabetes". My thinking was . . . I'll take full responsibility, and blame myself, not the disease. Now, I'm in my forties, and don't mind admitting the disease has given me a lot of extra stuff to deal with (depression included), and so I'll give it a bit of responsibility if I die before 75 or so.

Guilt is only good as long as it gets you moving along to improve. It's very destructive otherwise. I know -- I fight guilt all the time.

Be as good a friend to yourself as you would be to someone else.
;o)

[Trinifar]

Well, my experience is strangely reversed. I had been deeply depressed for a long time due to an enormous financial loss, then I lost my (fairly high paying) job too, then my health insurance. When I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago, while I certainly wasn't happy about it, it did kick me into action which was just what I needed. Sometimes I think "Good heavens! This too?" But mostly I'm upbeat: "Here's something concrete I can work on which will make me feel better." And having had some success at getting my numbers down I find my energy coming back so I can tackle the other things I'm facing.

Maybe it's something like what they say in AA about hitting your bottom. You kind of through your hands up and tell yourself it's time to do something.

[tanyatype1]

I know this sounds strange, but I was relieved when I was diagnosed. I was worried that it was cancer. Then I started laughing, as if the doctor was joking. He wasn't. Little scared about the needle thing. Diabetes does suck, but it could be sooo much worse.

[MJB]

Initially, I was scared out of my wits.

Then, I became determined. Every day is a gift so I don't waste them. :)

[Terry From Mn]

When I was first diagnosed at 50 years od age Dr put me on 500mg of Metformin once a day and tested twice a day. I was depressed and in denile. I saw my grandmother and father with Diabetes and didn't want to believe I have it. At 55 changed Metformin to two 500mg in morning and two in eve. used meter a couple of months and put it away. Warm fuzzy feeling I'm ok. At 59 BAMB oVER WEIGHT AND LOOKING At INSULIN. Two days of depressed feeling then anger set in at myself for letting myself go. After a month and a half later still little anger and acceptance,"way of life". You don't have to go out and bust a gut exercising, just go do something. You'll feel better about yourself. Started at 247 now 229 feeling not so tired and Blood work in under control. Good luck all of you and hope you can find the answers that fit you and your life style...
Terry

[Olidus]

I am still new to all of this - but would be lying to you if I said that I was not letting this get to me. I feel that I have been going though depression with all these changes. At 1st I hit the ground running, took in alot of information, doctors, family everyone saying how great of a job I was doing with this change in my life.

I miss not being able to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I hate the fact that I am testing 7 times a day, and that I need to take 4 needles a day in order to live.
I feel weak all the time.

The thing that scares me the most is my wife is due in November with our 1st- We are having a boy. I want to be the best father I can be, and be there for him as long as I can, and sometimes it feels like there is so much I need to do to make sure that happens.

Sometimes I just wish my Type1 came out earlier in my life. Maybe I would not miss all the freedom that I have had for so long before Dx.

[soso]

I never had denial, but I still have a bit of disbelief.
At first I was all, right.....gonna beat this into the ground with good living.. exercise like crazy... eat the right food 24/7 and not too much..blah blah blah.. then I got worse anyway and I thought well, OK get the tools, go on insulin...at least I won't let it progress any further... exercise like crazy...eat the right foods, 24/7...blah blah blah....
The good news is that I have slowed the downward (or should I say upward) trend of my numbers, but there is a persistant voice in my head that keeps telling me I don't really have this... it is somehow going to get better... when once in a while I eat something higher carb or even eat when I don't have the insulin on me (like the other night) I run this little fantasy on my head that my numbers will be OK..
it's a little sub-conscious loop I run, prolly to keep me doing what I do, I can stay on the straight and narrow , cos it's not forever.... 3 yrs and counting lol... I get a bit of a bump down to earth once in a while when dinner guests all want to be tested along with me and they are all in the 4's and 5's and I ate less food, no high carb items and took insulin and I am in the high 6's...
But hey, cie la vie... I am not really depressed about it, my DH suffers from clinical depression and I know what that looks like and believe me.. I'd rather stick with the D.
ss

[georgepds]

I miss not being able to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I hate the fact that I am testing 7 times a day, and that I need to take 4 needles a day in order to live.


Hi

I have the opposite reaction. I like figuring out new things to eat. Granted, I'm in the whiz bang stage, searching for magic beans (chana dal, extend bars, gg brand rye crisps, etc). That said, I now breakfast on lox on a rye crisp to get that magic fish oil and fiber, and it tastes great.

I don't miss the cr@p I used to eat at all. Well, with the possible exception of Anna Rosa's Ciabatta bread, but that's not really cr@p, that's poetry from a baker's oven. Now that I think maybe I'll just sit outside the bakery this Saturday and smell it.

I do think the experience is different for those with type 1 and 2. The basic difference is if a person with type 1 makes a mistake the consequences are immediate and severe; for those with type 2 not taking insulin the ultimate consequences are dire, but not immediate

-g

[georgepds]

Does everybody go through the its all my own fault phase and gets angry at why didn't do something sooner to stop T2 developing. I have stopped beating myself up about my diabetes, I don't think anything I would of done would of stopped it....

Nah, my sweet wife has that angle covered for me;)

[volleyball]

I certainly wish I could eat whatever I want whenever I want but who doesn't.
I also want sex, buying anything I like and time off from work whenever I want. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. So the food thing gets lumped in with that.
I actually like the new food better. Whole grains improve the taste of most things. I have turned lots of non diabetics to steel cut oats.
I indulge myself in the things I ate just in moderation. I still have a craving for a whole plate of steak fries covered in ketchup even though I've never had a plate in my life and I prefer mcdonals fries with pepper and no ketchup, weird.

[Terry From Mn]

It's great hear from you all, on your feelings and what we miss in food. How about going out to eat, Oh My Goodness!!!!! Dear where would you like to eat tonight??? Now I'm at the point I tell them you pick it out and I will eat.Jesh...I know I need food and eat on at a certain time. I also know my problem does effect others around me. So I just try to keep it low key so not to spoil others good time. Like tonight is my son's Birthday. He wants to go to Fudruckers a Hamburger place, love their fries so off come the bun and eat half the fries, lol, fooled you, you old body of mine. Thanks for the thoughts my friends...
Terry

[moorejames]

Not sure I know the difference between the depression and self-pity

I know depression is a pretty serious issue, so I hestitate to call my occasional self-indulgent personal pity parties "depression".

For me, the occassional self pity issues are something I do consciously and on purpose. Depression is something I would consider "not controllable".