Well I have been slipping....

[Prophet]

I have not been taking my insulin for the past couple of months. My Dr. now has me in some kind of Phase program at Kaiser and my first appointment is in January. I don't know about the rest of you guys but this has been pretty hard on me. I don't know why I keep getting into this rut. Not caring and all and reliazing it is my choice to either let this condition of mine take control of me or I take control of it. At the same time knowing that the end result will still be the same. You would figure with my last bout of Keto Acidosis and being placed on insulin at the young age of 30 would have woke me up but it hasn't.

No matter what I did my sugar wouldn't go down past 200 and I couldn't get control of it. A couple of months ago I just gave up but now I feel the need to get in control again. lol... I am not really sure why I am writing this but a little box showed up and said I hadn't posted anything in the past couple of weeks so I said **** it and write down how I am feeling.... maybe I should see someone about how I have been feeling and stop pretending I am going to get over my depressing thoughts and pretend that everything is all right...

I don't really know where I was going with this..... blah....

[caswellhb]

Goodness, how did you get into such a dark place?
Have a really good read around the board, ask questions. Good heavens, you have me quite worried.
Are you counting carbs? Are you taking insulin again now? How are you feeling? How is your eyesight?
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Heather.

[Cyborg]

High bg can lead to depression which can cause many things, including lack of incentive to take back control. You could always see someone about possible diabetic induced depression. This could help you stay on top of the big D. Perhaps it's time for a pump. I guarantee, you can get your numbers down with one of those...

Glad to see you back. :wavey:

[xMenace]

Staying on top of things can be very hard. IMO there are two types of diabetics: those that have struggled with these issues and those who will. Keep checking in here and use it as a trigger to take control.

[Dewey]

Not caring and all and reliazing it is my choice to either let this condition of mine take control of me or I take control of it. At the same time knowing that the end result will still be the same.
I don't know about anyone else, but what do you mean by the "end result still being the same?" If you mean none of us get out of life alive, well....that's a given.

If you mean however, that you'll wind up with complications regardless, that simply is Not true. I know that some folks may be more prone to developing complications than others, but we can't go into this whole thing assuming we'll all end up blind & on dialysis (or that may wind up being exactly our fate). That is where motivation is crushed & it's not healthy to feel that way. It's going on "blind faith," if you will. If you take decent care of yourself, you can have decent health & a good life. It's ok to slip up now & again, as we're all human and we can often reverse anything that may try to crop up. That said, it's not good to make it a pattern of not caring for ourselves, because that's when the irreparable damage can occur.

Before anyone starts in on me, let me get one thing straight: I'm not giving "tough love," so let's not confuse things here. I'm merely stating some facts in terms of life vs. death & the possibilities that may or may not lie ahead.

[soso]

any chance you could get put on some of the newer insulins and start counting carbs and dosing for them... a pump would be ideal for you of course... but if that would take time I would think the other would lead to a lot of improvement meanwhile...
I can see how one could get despondent if you start to think you are doomed... but you're not....that can start to be a bit of a self fulfilling prophesy... you're young.... don't give in....

[davef]

I am not really sure why I am writing this but a little box showed up and said I hadn't posted anything in the past couple of weeks so I said **** it and write down how I am feeling

Perhaps you're posting this because you need to share how you are feeling with people who can relate to it and I'm sure there will be some here who have experienced what you are going through. I'm only recently DX and while it was a blow (but probably not a unexpected) I have been lucky in that I'm come out fighting and have decided that doing nothing is no longer an option.

Can you talk to your Dr or somebody because it certainly can't do any harm if you are feeling down at the moment.

Perhaps if you can make the effort to get things under control it will help you feel better, you are only 30 and have a long life ahead of you.

Do post again, vent, vent if you need to vent.

[DCaplinger]

David is right. Vent all you need here. You sound like you need a quick reality check. I'm afraid it's going to be the type that will land you in the hospital, or worse, will result in neuropathy. You know the dangers.

As I like to say, Diabetes is a beast. It's a living creature inside of us. I choose to control the beast, and not let it control me. Your quality of life depends solely on your attitude towards this **** disease. You can let it get the best of you, or you can make it a part (albeit unwelcome) of your life, and move on.

Regards,

Darian

[Prophet]

Thank you everyone! When I found this forum I told myself that when I start feeling down I would visit this place more often but when I gave up again a couple of months ago I was to ashamed to come back. The link was in my favorites and I couldn't sleep again last night because I was up thinking about my diabeties.

I have restarted my insulin last week because my hands where getting dry again and I was having to use the bathroom every hour at night like when I was first diagnosed. I started to retest again and was floating around the 400-450 mark but this week I am at the 200's again.

You know quite honestly I don't have a real family support. I like reading the threads here where other family members are posting for the diabetic in there family and they want to know what they can do to help. Even though it is up to me how I handle myself it would be good to know you have family to help. I hate to say it but my own wife doesn't really understand and doesn't help to much. I am not asking her to control my diabeites for me but support me and help take the temptations out. I go as far as throwing all the candy out of the house for my kids sake and for mine and she goes right around and buys more candy.

And it might be a mobid thought about what is the use but I truly feel that way. I have ran high blood sugars for so long and I know I am in the way for a complication. Might not be tommorow but in the future.

[Cyborg]

I hate to say it but my own wife doesn't really understand and doesn't help to much. I am not asking her to control my diabetes for me but support me and help take the temptations out. I go as far as throwing all the candy out of the house for my kids sake and for mine and she goes right around and buys more candy.

Something I can completely relate to... Same problem here. It's a constant battle to try and teach the kids to eat right, let alone my wife.

Cookies, brownies, candy, etc., etc. etc.... You'd think seeing me go through what I have to go through to survive, that perhaps at least setting a good example for the kids would be possible. I could go on and on, but rant over. :motz:

Ultimately, it's up to each and everyone of us to do it ourselves for ourselves, and our loved ones.

[DCaplinger]

You know quite honestly I don't have a real family support.

That's not entirely true. You've got your web family right here. We won't judge you, nor will we tell you to go to your room.

I know what you mean about lack of family support, especially from your wife. Mine thinks I've gone "overboard" with the changes I need to make. She simply doesn't get it. The lifestyle I had as far as my diet and lack of exercise... is over. I have quit smoking, and now I have to seriously change my diet and get off my butt.

These ladies and gents on this forum have been great for me. I really look forward to staying involved here, even after I have my BGLs under control, so that I can help the newbies that will come after me as I was helped by these guys.

Regards,

Darian

[xMenace]

I was to ashamed to come back.

Don't for one second thing you're the only person with these ****ing issues. We all have them. You can feel any emotion you want, but don't feel guilty. We all fail. That's the beast talking. We are all with you, that's all of you, 100% no matter what happens.

[gettingby]

Prophet, you should never feel ashamed to come here and tell us what is going on. That's why Tony made this site. For us to share our triumphs, our troubles, and our disappointments.
As to family support, I have to say that most of my family has given me support over the years. Now, they just trust my judgement on what I feel I need and don't need to do.
Come here anytime you feel down or despondent. We are here for you. This may be just a "diabetes site" to some but to a lot of us, it's a "family". Vent all you want, everyone knows that I have from time to time.;)
Hang in there and know that when you are on the right track, you greatly reduce your chances of complications. If you fall off the wagon, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, figure out what caused it, and try again. Never give up !!! Diabetes should not and will not win !!!!!
(((HUGS)))
Oh, and one thing you won't see from me is judgement. My mom taught me to never pass judgement on anyone and 36 years later, I still don't. :)

[dgrilli]

How could one go a couple of months without insulin and live?

[Old man]

Your life has worth. You have a lot of good times to be enjoyed. You have people around you who need you or will. As for those who wound you, "forgive them for they know not what they do". If they really understood they would not do some of the things they do. You obviously can't do anything about yesterday, about all you can do is try to do better today and maybe your efforts will be rewarded. Your past does not make future complications automatically irreversible or unavoidable. You're just human like the rest of us. Without a doubt you've met other challenges in life and managed those and you will manage this. Keep trying, someday the rest of us are going to need a hero.

[slipperyelm]

Ah, dgrilli, that would be because Prophet is type 2. It would be as if he were a type 1 only taking enough insulin to keep BG down to 400-450. (I think that is the levels he said he is having.)

Prophet, how much more do you think you can get the BGs down in the next two days while continuing your insulin? You already got it down by 200 points and more since you began your insulin again. Why don't you tell us here how it is going over the next few days. See, if you plan to tell us about it, you are more likely to do what you need to do. Besides, I hope that having already gotten your BGs down by 200 points gives you encouragement that you can get back up on that horse again. Success leads more easily to more success. Let your success lead you toward better control.

[slipperyelm]

P.S. It did make me choke up a bit to read that your family does not give you the kind of support you need. Gosh, my family knows so much about diabetes and they seem to always give me just the right sort of support, without my having to ask. Sometimes they come up with an encouraging word when I was not yet even aware that I needed it, but they are right on. I wish you had that. My biggest problem is the potato chips my beloved buys. But a huge amount of the necessary actions can come only from within me. I have to just say no to those delicious chips, which is sometimes easier said than done. ;)

[Prophet]

Thank you everyone... this does help alot. I actually did two new things today that I hope will help me fight this.

1. Picked up the bible again. I lost and regained my faith so many times it isn't really funny. I have been so mad at Him for so long for giving me this I have to fogive. I don't mean to offend anyone so please forgive me this is just how I feel...

2. I got a new puppy in the family. :D Her name is Crystal and she is a Rottweiller that is only 7 months old. I'll take pictures of her tommorow. My last puppy who helped me get back on track with walking and getting up and out of the house passed away earlier this year.

I would like to thank everyone who took the time to respond with encourgment. It actually made my day today and was real helpful. Even though I don't have any real family support I really apperciate even more so the family I have here. I'll do my best to stick around and not feel ashamed or guilty for slipping up.

Thanks again!

[Isometric]

Right on, Prophet!

I have a wonderful wife that I've known since high school (senior prom was our first date!). We dated for five years, got married, and in our first year of marriage I was diagnosed. Even though she's not an avid cook, I remember her going all June Cleaver on me that first week. All my doctor told me was that 1) I had diabetes. 2) I should avoid "carbs and sugar," and 3) There was a medication waiting for me at the pharmacy that I could start on "if I wanted to." We were both completely lost - I was scared spitless to eat ANY carbs, but she was there for me, cooking eggs and other zero carb foods left and right. Obviously, that didn't last long. I made my doctor tell me what was going on, went to see a nutritionist, took the classes, etc., etc. I say all this because just a few weeks ago, after over 4 years as a diabetic, my wife and I had a real blockbuster argument that led to a realization for us both. I was finally able to explain that I was stressed out about my diabetes, and that there were times, when my sugar was all over the map, that I would be unbearably cranky and have almost no control over it (the crankiness). I knew that I was abnormally touchy about things, but I was unable to "think my way out of it." My wife...was blown away. It had literally never crossed her mind that my diabetes might have something to do with what she thought was just a sullen, slightly depressed husband. My point is, it is SO important to have people you can talk or write to who understand what it is like to live with this disease. You may love your wife as deeply as I love mine, but if she's not a diabetic herself, it's impossible for her to know - to really empathize with what's going on. My wife can still support me in the fight - indeed, I don't know what I'd do without her - but she can't know fully because she's not living it.

I'm very glad I found this site, and glad you did, too. It's a place you can come and speak the language - know what I mean? My dad saw me testing when I was over this evening, and he asked how often I have to test. I launched in to a pretty long-winded answer, most of which I'm sure just went right over his head. He's a bright man, too, but he doesn't know the disease, and he doesn't know the language. You've got a home here where everyone knows it. Since you've been candid about your spirituality, allow me to be candid about mine and say that I'll pray for you tonight, and as often as I think of you and this place. You can get control back!

[davef]

That's not entirely true. You've got your web family right here.

Darian is right, I never thought it would be possible to feel that people you have never met could be close friends but that's exactly how DF is for me. I'm lucky that I have a very supportive family, but it is still great to have people I can turn to who really "get" the whole thing.

I'll do my best to stick around and not feel ashamed or guilty for slipping up.

Do keep posting, it's good to talk and don't ever feel ashamed/guilty, I'm sure we have all done it to varying degrees. Don't forget to post your successes, we all need a pat on the back from time to time and people here are great for giving them.

Just remember that you have the support to get back on track. Look at how well you have done in the past few days. For me I'm finding that controlling the D is very akin to a long running battle I have had with my weight. I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight, but it doesn't make it easy. Thankfully I'm winning the battle now and hopefully the war too!

[sparrow1]

Hi Prophet
I am a type 2 like you, but I take the rapid acting insulin according to the number of carbs I eat at a given meal. From your sig, it looks like you take it as a correction only. Have you tried figuring out your insulin to carb ratio?

When I wasn't eating properly I had to take 1 unit for every 5 carbs I ate, and that would keep my BGs in the right range. Now that my carbs are all low Glycemic Index I rarely need the Novorapid.

And like the others have said - we are your family, and we are here to support you and share with you as we are the only ones who truly understand what you are going through.

Looking forward to hearing of your progress in 2008.

[Prophet]

Hi Prophet
I am a type 2 like you, but I take the rapid acting insulin according to the number of carbs I eat at a given meal. From your sig, it looks like you take it as a correction only. Have you tried figuring out your insulin to carb ratio?

Mr Dr. thinks I may actually have a problem with fasting sugars the last time I spoke with her. Before I eat I test and it ranges from 200-275 and two hours after I eat it still ranges between that. I run high all day and night. So we decided to increase the long acting and only use the fast acting as a correction.