Frustrating Encounter

[belyro]

I don't want for this to turn into a "non-diabetics say the stupidest things" thread, but I do want to share this experience because I think some of you will be able to identify.

This Christmas I was at my parents' church and was catching up with some of the people I know from back home. One of our old neighbours came up to me and we starting chatting. She's a nurse, and has known me all my life, and helped my parents out immensely in the first few years after my diagnosis. So she asked how things were going with my diabetes. As some of you know, I was diagnosed with proliferative retinopathy this summer and had a number of laser treatments. It was very difficult for me, both physically and emotionally. So I told her that, while things were going alright now, I had had to deal with retinopathy this summer. She looked at me with kind of a "tsk tsk" look, chuckled, and said, "Oooooh....too much cheating eh?" I thought I would THROTTLE her right there in the church. I couldn't believe she could be so insensitive to something that caused me MAJOR grief....and that had NOTHING to do with "cheating". Living with diabetes for 25 years has been a constant challenge (as we all know diabetes is)....and I think I've actually done very well overall. I've had no rebellious years in terms of diabetes care, and have always done the best I could to manage my diabetes while still balancing a "normal" life. The fact that she would insinuate that the fact that my eyes are starting to BLIND THEMSELVES is MY FAULT was like a slap in the face. I was too stunned to have any kind of intelligent remark, so I'm sure she still has no idea what effect her comment had on me. When I told my parents, they were shocked too.

You know, I really REALLY don't expect people who don't have diabetes to understand diabetes....not even people in the medical profession....but I do expect a little bit of respect from people who find out I've experienced (and still am experiencing) medical difficulties. You don't have to understand diabetes to show a little common courtesy.

[Injecto]

Don't know what to say....:(

[princesslinda]

You don't have to understand diabetes to show a little common courtesy.


The above statement sums it up quite nicely. I don't know why some people insist on engaging mouth before putting brain in gear!

Don't let this get you down Beth...You know how well you've done over the years, don't let a thoughtless remark make you feel bad.

[Alice]

I'm sorry this person in so uninformed. And that this was said to you after you were giving her an honest, update on something you felt she had a personal interest.

I think what upsets me the most are the "medical" personnel (nurses, I'm sorry, but they are the worst!) know so little about diabetes. I traveled with another couple through Europe and put up with "can you eat that?" for two weeks by the other wife, who was a "career nurse"...but hadn't worked in clinical practice for 20 years...she's administrative now.

By the end of the trip...after explaining how fast-acting insulin worked...repeatedly...I was barely speaking to her. It was a weird kind of superiority game going on with her...almost 24/7.

I asked a recent nursing grad who worked in my endo's office just how much training she received on diabetes in her RN program. She said very little and said had she not worked in an endo's office, she would have been very disappointed in what was taught.

You were polite. That's about all you can do with these people. Have mercy on them, is all you can ask. Explanations never seem to get far.

[notme]

I can understand you frustration Beth. I guess we all expect people in the medical profession to be better informed. I think I might have lost it and I commend your patience. The only thing we can do it try our best and correct people when they make stupid statements.

I am at a loss sometimes. I had a nurse call me this morning from our insurance company. She was so uninformed out pumps that is was amazing to me. It isn't like this is a brand new invention. I did the best I could, but I know I left her in the dust. Whatever.

[Gary_W]

The only thing you can say about this is that in a couple of days you'll have got over her remark.

In a couple of days, she'll still be person who is blessed with either stupidity or a mean streak. Not knowing her, I can't say which. But it's one or the other.

Some people....

[cheryl]

****, that had to hurt....How insensitive and really rude of someone to say that, and I would love to tell people that say cheating, What does cheating actually mean.....I guess they cheat everyday, putting thier dumb butt foot in the grave with all the food they consume, which either clogs thier artieries, getting themselves closer to a heart attack....OH she just made me sooooooooo MAD.........GRRRRRRRRRRr. I hate when someone says your cheating, What am I cheating....oyy....

Misinformed insensitive, people, I don't like em...So so sorry, I would of lashed out at her.....I can't seem to hold my feelings in like I used to anymore....;)

Cheryl

[soso]

ya know Bethany, I would be very tempted to write her a note telling her just how that made you feel after how hard you have worked and will have to work forever.. I had a recent similar remark stab in the heart a year or so ago from my SIL and I emailed her and told her that it's so bloody hard and her casual remark (which was asinine on the subject) cut me to the quick and just let her know it's not a joking matter... Would we say to a mother who miscarried... oooo not looking after yourself eh..hahaha? Hardly.

Same SIL just told me how her friend developed T1 cos his dad wanted him to be athletic and the stress brought it on...another WTF moment, but don't worry we had a chat....

At least we all appreciate how hard you are working love......

[belyro]

I think what upsets me the most are the "medical" personnel (nurses, I'm sorry, but they are the worst!) know so little about diabetes.

I didn't want to say this...but yeah, that's definitely been my experience. The thing is, I can deal with medical personnel not knowing much about diabetes....it's when they (or anyone else) try to convince me that they're right and I'm wrong that gets me. I've lived with it for 26 years, and they studied it for a few months (if that). I'd say *I* am the expert on the subject.

****, that had to hurt


You got it, Cheryl. I mean, most of the time I get a stupid comment from someone it irks me and I get over it. Sometimes it p*sses me off and I get over it, but this one really really stung. I guess it just poured salt on some wounds that are still very fresh.

ya know Bethany, I would be very tempted to write her a note telling her just how that made you feel after how hard you have worked and will have to work forever..

I've thought of doing that, actually. I'm not sure yet. Maybe. It's tough b/c she's a friend of the family and a prominent member of my parents' church...plus she spent a number of months this year fighting cancer (my understanding is that her prognosis is very good)....so I feel like I'd be treading on thin ice. We'll see. I still might. Not "berating" her, but explaining how it hurt me.

[Jan B]

Bethany,

There are even some diabetics who have never had any complications, who believe those w/problems haven't taken good care of themselves.

We will never have 100% control of avoiding complications, no matter how well we take care of ourselves. The nurse should have known that & certainly could have shown better behaviour. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Someone close to me is a Nurse Practitioner and her specialty is cardiology -- she sees lots of diabetics. Anyway, she told me it's impossible to go low on Lantus!!! Oh boy . . .

Evidently, this really is a hard disease for people to understand.

[cheryl]

I've thought of doing that, actually. I'm not sure yet. Maybe. It's tough b/c she's a friend of the family and a prominent member of my parents' church...plus she spent a number of months this year fighting cancer (my understanding is that her prognosis is very good)....so I feel like I'd be treading on thin ice. We'll see. I still might. Not "berating" her, but explaining how it hurt me.[/QUOTE]

Well then if she had cancer she should been more understanding to your condition, I don't think she would of even liked it, if someone said, oh too many pulls on a cigarette, or whatever supposedly causes cancer that she had cancer....I mean I know sometimes people don't think before they say something, but obviously she doesn't have the kind of heart that you have in thinking about all the what if's, before you open your mouth. Maybe someone should point out that fault in her, and what better person then you, who is actually battling something also...which doesn't go into remission, and with that being said "Don't feel too bad about treading on thin ice." She obviously didn't....

Cheryl

[marked]

That is so hurtful. When things like that are said, to me, it always feels like a dump, so take it for what it is worth.But this is a mindset as well, if you have complications it must be because of something you ate. How rude!
Mark

[duck]

I thought I would THROTTLE her right there in the church.

Bethany, God would have understood if you had.









:D

[tanyatype1]

smack for her,
Hug for you!

[RLK]

Geez Beth, that stinks! People can be so mean! And the medical ones are the worst....I had one of my supervisors (a former EMT) tell me that I didn't understand the complications that are going to happen to me because of my diabetes and that I was destined for kidney failure. No, I didn't slap him....but I thought about it :-

Hang in there....don't let the stupid, rude, inconsiderate people get you down.

[peej07]

I've had that sooo many times it's not funny, or the "I told you so" response. Usually I feel guilty, and then angry followed by oh well. I'm really sorry for you.

[grace girl]

I understand, and I feel for you. It's almost routine to get stupid comments from people, but when they come from someone in the medical community is really gets under my skin. I don't care if they don't work directly with D, they should at least have a basic working knowledge. It's not that difficult.
Regardless of her medical ignorance, what she said was insensitive...period. I've known people with medical issues that they did bring on themselves...but I wouldn't point that fact out to them!
I would write her a note...after you've had enough time to distance yourself so that you don't come across angry and spiteful. I doubt she would have taken kindly to someone implying that she played a role in developing cancer. The properly worded note could keep someone else from being on the same receiving end that you were. It could be handled in such a way that she gets the point, but all family ties remain intact.

[Olidus]

Bethany, God would have understood if you had.


:D

ROFL!
That is funny and True.

Bethany,
I feel for you - must have taken alot of you not to react the way you wanted to. What exactly did you say to her when she said that?

[LauRa Lu]

I honestley think alot of people without diabetes, for some reason like to think they know alot about it.. because their great great great gran had it or the neighbours cat had it. Most people I meet either truely know what it's all about (probably because 'they' have it)... or they think they know facts when they don't.

It's one of the diseases that people assume they know about because 'eating too much' and having 'too much sugar' is easy to understand. It's the rest they have no clue about.

I know it was a nurse who said this to you, but i've found many doctors and nurses only rely on medical books and their education... which can 'never' be a true diabetics education.

I just think we diabetics are always going to have to put up with this kind of thing, because it's not people being mean or un-courteous... it's people 'believing' they know things they don't, so they really have no clue how upsetting it can be.

[belyro]

I've had that sooo many times it's not funny, or the "I told you so" response. Usually I feel guilty, and then angry followed by oh well. I'm really sorry for you.

Really??? I have more of this to "look forward" to?? Augh!! I mean, I've had people make stupid and insensitive comments about my diabetes in general, but this was the first one that was in relation to the retinopathy. It stung way worse than any of the others because it was about something that was (and still is) very emotional for me. It's been very hard for me to come to terms with what's going on with my eyes. She hit me right where it hurt.


Bethany,
I feel for you - must have taken alot of you not to react the way you wanted to. What exactly did you say to her when she said that?

You know, I was so stunned I didn't really know what to say. I babbled something about how I actually had my diabetes in good control and that it was just the product of 25 years with the disease. If my first response had been anger I may have reacted more harshly, but my first response was hurt....like a punch to the gut...and left me not really knowing what to say.

[duck]

You did the right thing as far as I am concerned. It may not be the thing that would have made you feel better, but you showed class and did the right thing.

I have a lingering, ongoing issue going on at work; I work with this guy now who noticed on the very first day I had a pump (most people miss it). He went on to try and let me all he knew about diabetes. At that point, I basically gave him the "I've lived with this disease for umpteen years without your advice/insight, I'll be fine if you leave me the **** alone about it starting now..." speech. He sort of laughed and agreed.

Sure as **** he has not. Every other day he is asking me how my diabetes is. If I rub my head or something, he asks me if my sugars are alright. If something beeps, he asks me to check my pump.

Now, to be fair, I am not the only one he does this to...one of our engineers has asthma, and this person suffers from the same "caring advice" that I deal with...

But my problem is, I don't deal well with people who don't back off after I have asked. Typically, I'll pull the "nuclear option" which will include a lot of f-bombs and other curse words, because at some point I would rather just be left the heck alone by making someone so offended/mad at me than deal with them. So...

But Beth, seriously, you handled a tough situation as well as you could and you are a better person for it.

[soso]

I suppose the medical community has a lot of interaction with diabetics who either don't care or more often, just don't get the right education to manage their condition effectively. Also, by the time they are in the medical sphere a lot they are in a crisis situation and this may make medics apt to generalize about diabetes and complications.... not that I think this excuses them, but I can see how it could happen, a bit like law enforcement may lose some faith in society due to what they deal with on a daily basis... and here, I am probably generalizing too.. it's an easy trap to fall into..

Bethany, your friend may be mortified when she learns that you were hurt by her comment.. she likely thought about your reaction afterwards and had a few qualms... maybe it would be good for you both to have a chance to set the record straight. it does not have to be angry, I know I feel terrible when I feel I have been misjudged and esp if I feel I have been found wanting as well...

I have been on the receiving end of a few bits of 'advice' from people I could have done without and know what you mean about ending up babbling defensively... it ain't a good feeling... like we don't have enough **** to deal with..lol
Big cyberhug

[soso]

.

But Beth, seriously, you handled a tough situation as well as you could and you are a better person for it.

Also, what he said...

[mg_2204]

It's one of the diseases that people assume they know about because 'eating too much' and having 'too much sugar' is easy to understand. It's the rest they have no clue about.


OMG!! That's it!!! You said it perfectly. :)

My own husband believes I don't have diabetes anymore if I stay away from -s-u-g-a-r-. :banghead:

[cheryl]

oyyyyyyyy, on that note, my husband said the most stupid thing last night....Luke is chubby right, I don't know why, I am good with the kids with the food...I have no flipping clue why my son is chubby. He is 90 pounds...and is almost 10 but he is short, Now it is all around his gut, his arms and legs are not chuncky at all, He is so like me.....or how I used to gain also when I was his age...

Anywho, he said Cheryl man, maybe you should let him drink your soda's,(the kids don't drink soda, but once a month, but he was thinking carbs which he was trying to be smart), cause omg, he could catch what you have.....errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, and I was just telling him I had to shut off the computer last night cause I was reading the parents who have type 1 and the kids that have it, it scared me and I turned off the computer, then to throw that out their and then, to say that moronic, statement, I am like he has as much chance of getting type 1 as my other two boys, and I then told him I am more worried about our son cause Brents grandma, brother, and sister, and nephews, have type 1, runs in his family, So I freaked him out, didn't mean too, but darn.......I have told him 5 million times, we don't know how type 1 happens grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........and it hurts when he doesn't pay attention to me at all....

Cheryl

[duck]

Cheryl, try not to sneeze on him, it will help to not spread what you have...

[cheryl]

Cheryl, try not to sneeze on him, it will help to not spread what you have...

OMG, thanks you soooooooo made me laugh............

Cheryl

[belyro]

But Beth, seriously, you handled a tough situation as well as you could and you are a better person for it.

Thanks Duck......and everyone else too. :)

[trinasangels]

gosh I am sorry Honey. Sometimes people don't think before they speak.

My 8 year old son is completely blind from ROP( detached retina because he was a micro preemie)

Often I get people that will say he looks tired, I correct them and say no he is blind he just LOOKS tired. They will then say but he looks like he wants to go to sleep look at his eyes, I will then say again he is blind he just looks tired but he is not latterly tired. then they SCREAM * LOL* OH HE IS BLIND? I say yes but not deaf and smurk and walk away.

[davef]

Bethany,

You were definetly the better person and the fact that you have considered that your parents will have to see this "nurse" means that you are obviously more a caring person that the one who is in a caring profession.

[trailrunner]

I'm sorry this person in so uninformed. And that this was said to you after you were giving her an honest, update on something you felt she had a personal interest.

I think what upsets me the most are the "medical" personnel (nurses, I'm sorry, but they are the worst!) know so little about diabetes. I traveled with another couple through Europe and put up with "can you eat that?" for two weeks by the other wife, who was a "career nurse"...but hadn't worked in clinical practice for 20 years...she's administrative now.

By the end of the trip...after explaining how fast-acting insulin worked...repeatedly...I was barely speaking to her. It was a weird kind of superiority game going on with her...almost 24/7.

I asked a recent nursing grad who worked in my endo's office just how much training she received on diabetes in her RN program. She said very little and said had she not worked in an endo's office, she would have been very disappointed in what was taught.

You were polite. That's about all you can do with these people. Have mercy on them, is all you can ask. Explanations never seem to get far.

Wow. Nurses really get bashed here sometimes. I am so sorry that many of you have had frustrating encounters with nurses, but not all of us are uneducated.

[lilituc]

Wow. Nurses really get bashed here sometimes. I am so sorry that many of you have had frustrating encounters with nurses, but not all of us are uneducated.

I don't think it's nurses so much as *nursing schools* doing a poor job in that area.

[Alice]

I agree...I think it's the schools. I can certainly understand the general public not knowing diabetes and the general effects on health...but someone who's working in the health field should know the basics, at least. (Other than only eating sugar causes high blood sugar...and such nonsense)

In my own endo's office I ran into such an incident. My endo was out of the office for a month and told me to just call her nurse for refills...that the other doctor on call would handle them. No problem...I needed a refill for pen needles. So I called and told her the quantity for insurance purposes. (8 per day for monthly total average)...there was dead silence on the phone and the nurse (who works in an endo office) said "I've never heard of anyone who needed more than 1 or 2 of these..."...I just asked her to transfer me to the other endo.

She didn't understand MDI (Multiple Daily Injections) at all. I realize most diabetics are Type 2, but come on...

She had worked their for at least 2 years.