New Member Concerned about Hubby

[NST006]

I am in need of advise. My husband is very private with his medical condition. This is what I know: diabetic (unsure as to what type, but he does take Byetta shots), high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression and he is an alcoholic, drinking between 6-18 beers daily. He is a big man, I'm guessing weighing in over 300#. His doctor & I have tried to get him to eat sensibly & exercise; he will have nothing to do with "such silliness". Trying to get him into mental therapy is not going to happen.

Last night he did it again. He ate so much (Oreo cookies 1/2 a container) that he was violently throwing up. He did this before during Halloween when he found the kid's Halloween candy.

I try my hardest. Buy foods that are good for him. I cook nutritious dinners. I don't drink & won't buy his poison - he is 46, he needs to make a decision about his health.

Do you guys have any suggestions - I am at my wits end.

:(

Brenda

[susique333]

Bless your heart. Im new to this forum but the one thing I learned when my ex was an alcoholic was that there was nothing I could do to MAKE him change and believe me I tried! I got myself to a therapist who helped me not enable him (youre right to not buy his alcohol!), how to protect myself emotionally and to help my kids not get sucked into his delusions. It is horrid to watch a person self distruct but you can empower yourself by getting a therapist to help you through it all.

[BlueSky]

Brenda,

This is a really difficult catch 22 situation. It goes almost without saying, if your huband lost 100+pounds, everyting would improve. Blood sugar levels would come right down, blood pressure & cholesterol would be reduced and depression would be alleviated. For that to happen, of course, he needs to stop drinking and to start eating properly. But nothing will change until he decides that he wants it to happen. And that is something he has to work out for himself.

Essentially, his health needs to become a bigger priority in your husbands life. And just telling him it is important probably won't do it. Engaging your husband in a discussion of what is important to him and what his aspirations for the future are would be a good starting point. Getting him involved in an activity he finds stimulating and rewarding could also help. If you have difficulty talking directly to him, maybe a counselor could do make the difference.

Welcome to the forum, and good luck. ;)

[Evermont]

Hello and welcome to DF. You're in quite a spot.

It appears that Byetta is for Type 2 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byetta).

As it turns out, the things that a Type 2 diabetic should do to improve their situation are things that are helpful for all people. Eat right, exercise, drink in moderation, etc. The rest is details and DF is a great place to get those.

This means that anyone (and everyone) can be a good example for a T2.

Diabetes is an epidemic. Lots of people have it, and many more will someday unless they develop good habits that help prevent or delay it. Having a parent that has Type 2 diabetes is the top risk factor for developing T2.

If you and your kids all started behaving as if you had T2 or were concerned about preventing it you would all be doing yourselves a great service. You would also be setting a great example for your husband.

I see you're from Minnesota... no idea if you're near Minneapolis but this ad (http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/zip/541423033.html) for a free recumbent exercise bike shows up on Craigslist today. The internet is a wonderful thing huh?

I can recommend some great books on nutrition if you're interested. Don't just throw out the junk food - fill the fridge with all the best stuff you can. Try new things all the time to find what everybody likes most. Get the kids involved in healthy shopping, cooking, meal planning - perhaps even gardening. How could anyone live amongst all this and not get in on it? Even if it doesn't work, you're all better off for the effort.

[xMenace]

Drastic situation usually require drastic actions. You pushing around a blind alcoholic in a wheelchair doesn't sound like fun. Get a better life if this one won't change.

[NST006]

Thanks for your note. Yes, I am from MN - Plymouth actually. I have not only a Recumbant exercise bike, I also have a Panasonic Core Trainer, in addition to being members to Life Time. I have 3 kids, the kids & I all exercise, eat correctly - We are all in good health & not overweight in the least. We do garden & due to severe food allergies of my middle child who can not consume wheat, gluten, casein or soy - we are very good at reading labels. The kids & I prefer fish over steak, but like tonight, we will cook one thing - he won't like it & simply cooks something else for himself. With a child, I have control :-) with him, it isn't so easy. He used to walk with me when I took the dogs out, but hasn't for over a year.

I'll keep up doing what I do, hopefully someday he will get it.

[NST006]

Thank you for your response. I do see a therapist, as do the kids. It helps, but it still breaks my heart that he has decided to lead this distructive lifestyle.

[NST006]

Blue Sky,

Thank you for your comments - I agree, it is a total catch 22. I've tried the therapist route, he flatly refuses, but I go for myself.

I can only keep making healthy foods - I don't nag or treat him like a child. He is an adult & needs to make his own decisions regarding his health.

[Isometric]

I wonder if an intervention wouldn't be out of the question? My guess is that your husband is choosing to ignore that his lifestyle is wreaking havoc on his family and not just his body. Obviously I can't know all the circumstances, but maybe being confronted - firmly, but with love - by the effect his behavior is having on you and the kids would open his eyes. A professional counselor would be best in that situation, but whatever you and do and whatever happens, you're doing the right thing now by continuing to set a good example for the kids!

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. For what it's worth, I'll be praying for you and your family. Take care!

[kgm0612]

Brenda.........I'm so sorry for the troubles you're going through with your husband. As much as you would like to change things for him, he's the one who has to take responsibility and make the change for himself! If he's not willing to do that, then you're fighting a losing battle.

Hang in there and be strong.

Karen

[princesslinda]

Brenda, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry for all the things you're going through with your husband. I'm really not sure there's anything more you can do other than what you're already trying to do. Bottom line, HE has to care enough about himself...and the family, to do what needs to be done to ensure he has the best life possible. I'm sure the fact that he's an alcoholic makes it 100 x more difficult than if just had the health problems he has.

I take Byetta...and if you overeat...you will be sick and, if you overate enough, you'd probably vomit.

I have seen the complications that happen to a non-compliant diabetic...and they are not something i'd wish on anyone. My mother never did as she was instructed diabetes-wise, and her life was shortened because of it. She did try to do better after her leg was amputated, but by then, the damage was far too extensive to give her much quality or quantity of life.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through all your going through, but I really have no advice to offer...Even though you can't do it for him, you and your precious family WILL be have to deal with the fallout when he starts suffering the complications and consequences of his refusal to get control of his health. Hopefully, something will get through to him and give him the wake up call he so desperately needs.

[Jan B]

Brenda,

I wish you strength. It sounds like you are doing all you can. Whatever you do, take care of yourself and your children. I hope your family isn't being beaten down more than what is already obvious.

[morrisma]

Welcome to the forum.

Alcoholism is a disease like any other. My inlaws had 3 in the family - father and 2 boys. Father died of a stroke, one boy is in & out of jail, one hit bottom finally and has bounced back with the help of his wife and siblings. They used an intervention-like approach but he had to be ready to face the consequences and so did his family. Very difficult but at least, in his case, successful so far.

Keep inviting him on walks - maybe even make it a family outing with the kids & dogs. No better way to start getting fit.

Good luck
Mike

[Cyborg]

Sorry to hear about your husband's state of denial. It can be a very hard disease to come to accept. The alcoholism is also a very hard thing to overcome. My first wife was an alcoholic and no matter what I tried, I could not help her and we ended up getting a divorce because of it.

Alcoholism and diabetes are a very bad combination. The only advice I can give is to try and provide him with some information on the complications that come from uncontrolled diabetes, such as blindness, loss of kidney function requiring dialysis, and limb amputation. Best wishes...

[notme]

Brenda, it sounds like you are doing all the right things. You sound like a wonderful caring wife. Your husband has made choices and no matter how hard you try, he will have to make this decision for himself. I hope and pray he will finally realize what he is doing to his body. Perhaps he will come here someday and read.

Good luck. Keep your healthy ways up and perhaps your husband will finally decide to change his ways.

[NST006]

[QUOTE=Isometric;296731]I wonder if an intervention wouldn't be out of the question?

I have thought about intervention, I have informed his doctor of his liquor consumption. She had him come in the next day (he found out I called - was he mad), his liver tests were extremely high. He did stop drinking for 6 months, but when his liver tests (ALT/ASTs) came back normal, he started back up with avengence. I learned over the holidays that many of his family members died from Cirrhosis of the Liver. :(

Two years ago, I asked his parents if they would help me with an intervention. They flatly turned me down - saying that they raised their son to make his own decisions & that they weren't going to interfere now that he was a grown man.

He has already been diagnosed with a fatty liver.

I learned after his binge eating, (the oreos) that he hasn't taken his Blood Sugar levels in over 6 months. WTF?? I just don't get it. His excuse is the little needle that goes into his meter was expensive. (You do the math, I'm sure that he is spending MUCH more on liquor, but that is a priority right now)

[xMenace]

While my comment "make sure he has lots of life insurance" may sound harsh, the reality is that's where he's heading. You might as well get some benefit.

He has to change his ways. I can't really help you or him do it. Whether he does it on his own or you help him or his family and friends help him or his doctor helps him, it doesn't really matter. He needs to overhaul his life. He's headed for disaster. I've seen this movie many times and I know the ending.

I think he's hiding his fear by drinking so much. It's also an addiction that runs in his family. He needs AA help probably even more than D help. He and you don't have to live like this. He can take charge and live a happy life. We can help him with that.