confession time

[grace girl]

I haven't been posting too much over the last 5 or 6 months simply because my control has been horrible. It can be difficult to come here sometimes and feel that you have something to contribute when your such a mess. And I've been in a mess.
The basic problem is simply eating things I'm not shooting for. Or eating more than I shot for and not taking extra insulin to cover it. So my numbers have been awful. This has been driving me crazy, and making me feel really bad about myself. For months I've been waking up every day saying, today I'm going to do this right, and then I wouldn't. It's been like being caught in some horrible cycle.
Late last week I had one of those moments that you have sometimes in life...you know, where everything suddenly just gets crystal clear. It became amazingly apparent to me what was going on with me. I've been afraid of gaining weight. Period. Last spring, after spending over a year trying to get my basal and my carb ratios right (and going through 3 different doctors) I finally got everything set. And I promptly gained about 8 pounds, which totally freaked me out. I starter exercising and watching what I was eating, but at the same time I started this whole eating and not covering thing. I can't say it was intentional, and I can't say it wasn't. It just happened. There have been a few times during these months when I've had to really grab a hold of myself because I was seriously tempted to drastically reduce my insulin so I could lose weight.
I know this is stupid. I know that my health is more important than a few pounds. I feel sort of stunned to realize what has happened, that I allowed this to happen.
Once I came to grips with all of this I went to my husband and told him everything and asked him to help me. My numbers have never been a secret...I write it all down in a notebook that I keep in the bathroom...he could have looked at any time but he's not one to be nosy or butt into my business...if I want to talk about D, he'll talk...he's taken the time to learn right along with me...he knows what I have to do as much as I do. He's just respected that it's my business. And now, he's agreed to help me.
Since that day last week I've been doing really great. I'm doing what I should, my numbers having settled back down to something normal, and I feel like I've regained control of my life...I really didn't realize how out of control I felt. I have a dr's appt for next month and I'm going to tell him, too.
I've never had a problem with eating disorders, or anything like it. I was about 65lbs over-weight when I was first dx'ed...that played a huge role in why I was wrongly dx'ed as type 2. During the year and a half of that wrong dx the weight just melted off with no actual effort on my part and since that time staying at the right size has become almost an obsession with me, I just didn't realize quite how much.
For right now I'm just taking it moment by moment, and it's working. Having realized what the deal is and making the decision that I'm not letting something like this control me has made a huge difference.
I wanted to tell you all about this simply because this place played such a tremendous role in me ever getting things right in the first place, and also because if something like this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. And maybe you guys can help me, too. At any rate, I appreciate your listening.
Holly

[princesslinda]

Holly, so good to have you back....glad to hear that things are looking up for you. Life gets the better of all of us at times, just keep hanging in there! Glad you have the support of your hubby...that's such a blessing.

Hope you continue to "hang-out" with us!

[notme]

Well confession being good for the soul, you aren't alone. I finally made an appointment with my endo to try and get myself back on track. It had been so long since I had gone to my endo, I had to go as a new patient.......and he isn't taking new patients. I had to get his permission to come back and then get a referral from my PCP. They force you to go to them at least once in a year or you are dumped. sigh.............

So you see Holly, you aren't alone. We all fall off now and then. Time for at least two of us to get back on track.

[Jan B]

Holly,

I hope you feel better after your confession!! I can relate to what you said. Before I came to the forum, I was letting my numbers run high, knowing full well a lot of it had to do with weight control. Now, my numbers are good and I never did gain more than a few pounds, which are gone again anyway.

If we could love ourselves as much as we can love a friend, it would be nice! You would not advise a friend to do what you did, right?! My husband always leaves everything up to me. There are times I wish he would have hounded me about my health -- but he didn't.

Welcome back Holly --

[Cyborg]

I know that my health is more important than a few pounds.

You are absolutely right. I struggle with this issue myself, but instead of backing off the insulin I try to eat less or exercise more. Welcome back, we've missed you...

[TrueWorship]

I definitely know how you feel. I haven't been doing very well controlling my bg the past couple years either. And a big part of it was the weight. My New Year's resolution was to get control again. I'm doing better, I'm still not doing perfect but I'm definitely trying more. And of course since January 1st my weight's gone up almost 10 lbs. But I realize now that I have to control my weight by watching what I eat and exercising more and NOT by taking less insulin. I've also asked my husband to help me more, but it sounds like he's a lot like your husband. He knows about my D and what I should and shouldn't be eating/doing but he lets me make my own decisions. I think because I was diagnosed at 11 years old and grew up with my mom bugging me about checking my bg and taking my insulin that I almost expect there to still be somebody around constantly reminding me. I'm glad that we've both made decisions to live healthier. Good luck!

Jenn

[Alice]

I've always found it ironic that my "lowest" and happiest weight was when my A1C was higher...I had a horrible work schedule and such a busy pace that I couldn's sit and eat lunch in one sitting.

I've since taken the last few years off to "take care of Me"...(no, I don't recommed everyone quitting their jobs!)...but I do wish I had put myself first back then.

I realized that the weight was not a healthy weight. I think many diabetics who are experiencing "thin" aren't necessarily where they would naturally be in a healthy, "normal" state.

We do have to work extra hard at keeping our levels out of the "low range" since that's where our extra calories come from...treating lows. I am one of the few on this forum that doesn't believe that insulin directly makes you gain weight. And, I've had almost every endo tell me that there is no chemistry to do so...

I really think it's the extra "work" and calories we consume to keep our glucose levels in a safe range. The tighter our control, the more lows...that's just a way of life and clearly documented in all the A1C studies that are done nationally.

Speaking of horrible days...I must be in severe PMS mode...after one good 92 after breakfast...I hit the 200's all day...even hit 325 after bolusing for lunch...this happens to me for about 36 hours every month. I could almost drink Humalog right now...So, remember, we just don't have all the "control" over this nonsense that we'd like...but 99% of the time, we do ok.

[jjl570]

After all the years of taking care and not taking care of myself in cycles, I can fully understand what you are talking about. It just gets tiring at times. Counting carbs, planning my work for heavy field or sitting in the office, making sure I have emergency carbs for field work and all the things that go with it gets to me. Falling off the wagon as someone said earlier usually only last a few days for me. I just don't feel good when I am not under control and I know it is not good for me. It is self defeating when we let go......

Good to hear you have recognized it and are moving in the right direction. Husbands support is great for you. My girlfriend is a great help for me, gives the support I need and a kick in the butt also when needed.

[kgm0612]

(((HOLLY)))

I can sympathize with you because I've had a rough couple of months myself. I've learned that you have to take things one day at a time and if you fall backwards, pick yourself up and start all over again.

I've been on a combination of Metformin and insulin since being dx'd 5 years ago. When I started pumping 2 years ago, my endo kept me on the Metformin because he said it helped to keep from gaining weight. It's worked for me thus far, so you may want to talk to your doctor about it.

Good Luck!


Karen

[cheryl]

I am glad you came back. You shouldn't feel guilty about not "being perfect". Remember this is the internet, some people can probably really fudge "How well everything really is?"....I respect your honesty....and your strength to let us know what is going on....

Honey I think if you took care of yourself the way it is intended, you probably would gain a few pounds, but nothing like 65 pounds. I know this is hard none of us woman want to be overweight.....and I am glad your eyes have opened up, and I am sure your a beautiful woman outside as you have shown us inside.....Features come and go, it is us deep within, our nature our personalities, that make us worthwhile......remember that....

Cheryl

[grace girl]

Thank you all for all of the support, and mostly, the understanding. I am really thankful that I finally saw all of this, and have come to terms with it. I have amazed my own self by how well I've been doing over the last week. As I said before, it's just moment by moment.
And I'm not really suprised that I'm not the only one to have control issues...there are so many, many aspects of this disease, and the day-to-day management of it that only those who live with it can even begin to understand. I think that's why I believe that this forum is so important. Having the ability to have community with other people who really do understand is truly priceless.