I am lost with no help in sight

[Donaleigh]

Last night, I called the emergency room nurse from a hosptial in our neighboring town. My husband is wilting away in front of my eyes it seems. I met him in 2000 and his sugar level was in the 300's. His father is diabetic T2. My husband's family told me that they tested his sugar 2-3 years prior to our meeting and it was that high and he needs to be helped. Over the last 8 years I have made several appointments that he won't keep or he just never goes back. He has started oral medication once but did not return to the doctor for refills and a follow up. I have since seen his sugar level close to 450 and high blood pressure stay high as well with no treatment. He has aged and his legs are scared from sores along wtih several parts of his body. SD has arrived 2 years ago. He gets swollen ankles every night. His legs hurt so much he can't barely walk at night. But each day he gets up eats what he wants, works hard and refuses to seek treatment. The past 2 nights he has had a fever because he has one of those mucus sores with a plug that has grown in two days from a knuckle size to a golf ball size behind his belly button. It is protuding first with mucus now with blood. He stuck his stomach several times to relieve the pressure and went to bed. The nurse at the hospital told me the cannot give help over the phone nor force treatment on anyone. He has tingling sensations on his upper stomach where his skin hurts him to even wear a shirt. He tells me his legs from the knee down feel numb. I am so desperate. He is only 40. He is a college graduate with a degree, nice home, nice family but scared of doctors, hospitals and the like. Today he made me another promise as he has done many times in the past to seek help and start treatment. I can only think of "How much longer will I be his wife?" I worry every day He will have a stroke or heart attack. He works too hard. I feel so lost with no help in sight.

[xMenace]

There are way too many out there in this same situation. I truly do not know the answer. Have you tried being very forceful?

[slipperyelm]

Oh, I'm so sorry for your situation, and, of course, that of your husband. Isn't it amazing that someone could be afraid of hospitals and doctors but not so afraid of letting this disease slowly and painfully kill him while it also tortures his wife to watch?

Do you want to force him to get medical aid? If so, you might be able to do it. One way is to wait until he passes out. Perhaps he will be minutes away from death at that point--I don't know. But if he is passed out you certainly can call an ambulance for him, regardless of what he would think were he awake.

Another thing is to go to court and have him "committed" by a judge. I actually know someone who did this years ago on the basis that the person was a danger to herself (though it had nothing to do with diabetes.) I think you can get advice about an involuntary commitment from your doctor, or his doctor. However, you can also phone a suicide help line and they will probably advise you on how to get the process started. Or you could call the emergency room of a hospital that has a psychiatric unit and get advice on how to begin commitment proceedings. A lawyer would be able to advise as well. I cannot imagine that your husband is anything but profoundly depressed in his current state. He most likely needs both diabetic and mental health intervention.

What do you mean by "SD has arrived 2 years ago" ? Do you mean "sugar diabetes" or something else? It sounds to me as if he has had diabetes for a long time. Maybe ten, maybe even twenty years. I doubt if anyone could really say how long without some medical records from back then. But the damage from his diabetes does sound very bad to me. This must be hurting you very badly to see him turn away help like this.

All that said, if this were my husband, I would beg and plead, cry and pray today. If that did not get him to go to the emergency room today, then I would go ahead and call an ambulance anyway, and I would let the dispatcher know what was going on. If your emergency services work like ours does, a police car will come at the same time and all this "authority" in the household may get your husband to just take the path of least resistance and get in the ambulance and go to the hospital.

[CarrieB]

Have you tried sitting him down and explaining what his denial is doing to you? perhaps marriage guidance would be a route to get him to confront his fears?

It doesn't help the immediate problem, can you get him into the car on some pretext and drive him to the doctors, then ask him to go in with you? perhaps if you do the work he will actually be so desperate to do something (it must be miserable for him) that he will take the easiest course.

Good luck

[yannah]

awwweeee, my sweet girl, how you must be suffering.
I think you have been given some great advice here, he needs
emergency assistance.

I would call an ambulence. I understand how hard this is to do, but I think it is all you can do.

[gaylaonline]

You can't make anyone do anything. He has is blocking out
just how bad things can get. Have you considered going to
al-anon. It would be extremely hard for me to watch someone I love destroy themself. And that is what he is doing. Prayers to you. Gayla

[shiftzor]

I would advise getting educated about diabetes, so at least you understand what is going on maybe that way you can help him. He has to want to do it himself forcing him won't solve the problem, maybe if you can realise that controlling his bg will dramatically improve his life and mood. Diabetic complications are like a time bomb, it’s never too late to start undoing some of the damage done.

[Donaleigh]

Thank you all for the comments. It's like being in a dream and having this site gives me an outlet now. I need that. Getting him to the hospital is not an option he just won't go. He is so loving and kind, the best husband but he is so fearful I suppose or do you say crazy, stupid? I don't know. He came home today and went straight into the bathroom and poked a needle at his stomach to again relieve pressure. I see blood on the outside of his shirt there. Then he went straight to bed only to get his feet elevated. I have screamed, cried, threatend to leave him...pleaded on my knees and I have even gotten aggressive with him. After all these years I know now cannot force him to do a thing. I have prayed to be strong and for him to come to his senses. It is a nightmare. If I called an ambulence he would just tell them he did call and he has the right to refuse anyone touching him. The police won't intervene either. I think it's just insane. He really doesn't understand what he is doing to my mind. Aside from this he is so wonderful. He has insurance policies on the house, car, and for support to care for us if he should die. I want him not the money. Monday he told me he is going to find a doctor because he can no longer deal with the pain in his legs. They look so horrible that I am embarassed to be seen with him in the summer wearing his shorts. It causes stares. My thoughts used to be how do I get him help...now after all these years I sit and wonder how will I make it without him? SD is Sexual Dysfunction...he is not able to perform and is too sick to take medication for it due to the side effects. We have had this present for 2 years now. I just let out a big sigh...thank you for being here ...I can't say it enough.

[shiftzor]

I would advise getting educated about diabetes, so at least you understand what is going on maybe that way you can help him. He has to want to do it himself forcing him won't solve the problem, maybe if you can realise that controlling his bg will dramatically improve his life and mood. Diabetic complications are like a time bomb, it’s never too late to start undoing some of the damage done.

Sorry I am tired, I meant to say make him realise that there is such a big difference between taking control of his diabetes and letting it take control of him. He would feel so much better when he is in control, bg swings cause mood swings and depression. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope he will see the light.

[Keezheekoni]

I'm so sad to hear that you're in this situation. There are a lot of people in the world going through what you are though...I know that's not a lot of help.

Point out to your husband though that his life insurance isn't going to pay out on him if he dies due to untreated diabetes. He knows he has it and in autopsy they'll find it. It's a medical condition that they often times cancel policies for, even if you've had the policy for 20+ years.

Tell him also that a doctor isn't going to be able to see him right away. He really needs that spot on his belly looked at because every time he lances it, that introduces more bacteria into it... that's going to cause it to continue to get worse. His leg swelling is also worrisome because he could have a blood clot in his leg, not know it, and end up stroking out.

I believe he's emergent enough to go to the ER and get help. Then they'll refer him to a doctor who will be able to see him sooner, rather than later. :)

[David_S]

Wow .. I understand some feelings of denial..anger at this disease but not full out neglect of oneself. When you marry.. you are not just taking care of yourself for yourself.. you are part of a team. His self neglect is causing you undue stress and anxiety and it just isn't fair to you to be forced into this state of constant worry and panic, let alone the lack of a sexual relationship with your husband. You are being isolated from a normal marriage by this.
The shame of it is there is so much he can do to turn this around and stop the damage to his body. he doesn't have to live like this.. and neither do you.
why is he so responsible with providing things and not stabilty in your life? All of his work and investment in insurance is not making you feel at ease with your life. You must be beside yourself everyday.
How far are you willing to go to try and force his hand? Would you seperate and actually not threaten it but tell him you refuse to sit by and participate in this any longer? Can you go somewhere and let him consider what he is risking here? remind him he took vows.. in sickness and in health... and if there is a sickness you care for it as you promised to your partner.

[mortis505]

You have been given some very good advice. I would like to also ask that you try and sit him down and calmly discuss with him the severe and fatal implications of letting diabetes go uncontrolled. Ask that he no longer wait to see a doctor, but to go to the E.R. before its too late. He needs critical care immediately if he wants to be able to stay with you. And if he gets this under control, he should be able to work around the issues of E.D./S.D.

[Hammer]

It sounds like your husband's main problem is his fear of hospitals and doctors. He's so afraid of them that he'd rather stay sick than see a doctor.

Has he ever said why he is afraid of them? Did he have some traumatic experience with doctors as a child?

I'm sure you've probably gone over this with him, but have you explained to him that if he goes to see a doctor, they are not going to perform surgery on him. All that they will do is to give him some medicines that will make his pain and discomfort go away, and that will make both of you happy?

As a last resort, and I hate to recommend this, but if he refuses to see a doctor or go to a hospital and get treatment, then you need to leave him in order to protect your own peace of mind. There is no point in staying with him if he cares so little about how his neglecting his health is affecting you. By leaving, it will spare you the heartache of seeing him slowly kill himself.

[PattiM]

Donaleigh, I am so sorry that you are in such a tough situation.

You didn't state if your husband has medical insurance, but some people refuse to go to the doctor because of lack of health coverage.

You are correct in stating that you can't force him to do anything. Trying to force will only bring up a stronger wall of defense. Leaving him might make him give up on seeking treatment period. You said that you have talked, pleaded, cried and nothing has worked.

Maybe it is time to do something different. If he doesn't already have his funeral wishes in writing, try sitting down with him with a pen and paper and discuss his last wishes, right down to choice of casket or cremation, which friends he would like in attendance at his funeral, is there is a special poem that he would like read at his service, and what he would like his obituary to include. Tell him that it is very obvious that if he doesn't get treatment right now for his diabetes and everything else that he has going on, and stick with the treatment, that he isn't going to live much longer, and you want to make sure that his final wishes are carried out. If you have children, ask him how he would like his death explained to your kids. If he doesn't already have a will in place, this is the time to discuss seeing a lawyer about getting one drawn up as soon as possible since there isn't any time to spare. Discuss the disposition of his possessions that don't mean anything to you.

This might seem harsh or morbid, but it really isn't. Sometimes it takes this kind of extreme bluntness to make a person that is this deep in denial to face reality. Since tears and pleading didn't work, this should be done with a matter-of-fact attitude. If he does have all of these things in place, reconfirm them with him "just to be sure."

[Donaleigh]

Wanted to post sooner...Husband went into the ER SAT night with high fever BP was 182/105 at it's worse...heart rate 120 and sugar was 366. The abcess is a fluid sac with gas grengrene inside. They started him on aggressive anitbiotics. Today, I went to see him and he is still about the same. I am getting numb now...I am stuck between the anger and the pain. They will have to do surgery but not until they can control his diabetes which so far is still a problem. It may take days. I am so exhausted...I read all the posts by everyone, yet as much as I want so much to reply to each I cannot keep my eyes open wide. I will post you guys tomorrow ASAP..! Thanks so much I don't feel so alone as I did DAY 1. Maybe this was enough to really scare him . He hasn't been in Hospital for 32 years. Your comments mean so much...!!

[Kim_in_TN]

Wanted to post sooner...Husband went into the ER SAT night with high fever BP was 182/105 at it's worse...heart rate 120 and sugar was 366. The abcess is a fluid sac with gas grengrene inside. They started him on aggressive anitbiotics. Today, I went to see him and he is still about the same. I am getting numb now...I am stuck between the anger and the pain. They will have to do surgery but not until they can control his diabetes which so far is still a problem. It may take days. I am so exhausted...I read all the posts by everyone, yet as much as I want so much to reply to each I cannot keep my eyes open wide. I will post you guys tomorrow ASAP..! Thanks so much I don't feel so alone as I did DAY 1. Maybe this was enough to really scare him . He hasn't been in Hospital for 32 years. Your comments mean so much...!!

It sounds awful, but I am glad that we went to the ER! Maybe this is the scare that he needed in order to get control of his health!!! Bless your heart for having to deal with all of this! I pray that he is able to pull through this and come out wiser, stronger, and committed! (((HUGS)))

[Skylane]

What I find sad about this entire situation is the lack of respect this man has for his wife and family. He is also a very selfish individual for putting all of them through this turmoil. He may be educated but certainly not terribly smart. I wish you well, you have been given a heavy burden.

[PattiM]

His ER visit is probably a blessing in disguise. If he hasn't reached the point where he can't turn back and undo some of the damage, he is darn lucky, next time he might not be as fortunate. I really do hope that this puts a hefty scare into him so that he will start taking his diabetes seriously,and his family into consideration.

From what you have posted, you're a strong lady Donaleigh! My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. (((Hugs)))

[BrianSCohen]

Donnaleigh,

I really feel for you. You husband is in bad shape and I'm sure you feel powerless in this situation. I know that you really want to help him. You need to really understand this situation from his view. We really have not heard hisview. He must understand what is happening to him. You do realize that many diabetics absolutely "hate" doctors. They visit them and they are told that this disease is their fault and they are just a failure. This is even worse if you are already someone who may feel disadvantaged because you are heavy or not wealthy or something.

I'd like to suggest that once you get through this current crisis, perhaps you can get your husband to join you in visiting a local diabetes center. Away from doctors, where you can talk to people about a lot of these things in more detail in a less stressful way. You can drag him to the doctors, you can cook him all the right food, you can stand over him and make sure he takes all the medicines. In the end, it is going to be his decision on whether he fights this battle. You just need to be sure that you are there to help him realize why the battle is worth winning. He can do it, nothing that has happened to him is irreversible. He can win his health and happiness back. He just has to decide.

I wish you the best of luck. Should your husband decide to fight this battle, you should know that there are lots of people here who can really help.

[davef]

Donaleigh,

I' saddened to read your and your husband's story. As has been said maybe this recent crisis will be a blessing in disguise as he may learn that he can control his diabetes.

It may be an idea to point towards this forums when he is released from hospital. I have learned more here than from any other source. The support and motivation I get on a daily basis by being part of this community is priceless. don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful wife who supports me 100% and I'd be lost without her (she's a member here too) but as she has said, it really helps me having people to talk to who can completely relate to how I feel.

As Brian has mentioned, sometimes Type 2 diabetics are made to feel like having diabetes is our own fault, it's not and it's important that your husband knows this and that he has no reason to feel guilty or embarrassed about his diabetes, if his doctor is saying it's his fault then get a different doctor. The only thing that he has responsibility for is not taking control, but the good news is that it's not too late for him to take control. He will feel so much better when his blood sugars are under control.

You are clearly a very loving and supportive wife and are to be applauded for seeking out help. I wish you both the very best and will keep you in my thoughts, I hope your hubby recovers quickly.

Please do keep us informed of his progress and even if your hubby doesn't want us to join us, do keep visiting we are here for you,

[volleyball]

The hospital stay may be your lucky break. Time to clean the junk out of the cabinets and get the whole family eating right. It will be easier if everyone is eating right. Next, get him out doing stuff instead of just sitting all evening.
The hospital stay is reason enough to explain your new lifestyle. If it would not hurt you to lose a few pounds, ask him to help you by dieting with you. If he can lose a pound or 2 per week, that is excellent, you want him to lose weight, not necessarily the number of pounds, just the fact of losing weight helps reduce you blood sugar.

[Scrabblechick]

Donaleigh, my heart truly goes out to you and to your husband. I pray this hospital stay is just what he needs to get himself under control.

You've received some great advice, particularly about getting him to a diabetes center, or perhaps you could get the hospital diabetes educator to visit him and talk with him, obviously in a non-judgmental way.

Please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated on his condition (and yours!). We really do care! :)

[slipperyelm]

Thank goodness he went to the ER. I was so hoping he would go immediately, because his abdominal infection sounded very bad. Not being there, I was even supposing that it was life threatening. Donaleigh, there is no need to use your energy to respond to our messages here. If it helps you to continue reading them, then, please do. But I know how exhausting it is when someone you love is in the hospital. My own son was in the hospital this year for just two nights and I got so confused about the flow of time and what happened when and who I had already informed of this & that or not. So, anyway, if it is too much to muster to respond on the forum now, just do not worry about that at all.

I feel touched by your situation for several reasons. 1) My own husband is really reluctant to go for medical help and it causes me anxiety. 2) Being type 2 myself, I feel especially connected to the problems you husband is having. 3) I am originally from Memphis and --I don't know-- that just makes me feel more sympathetic to your situation, as if you are part of my home team.

Gosh, I sure hope you have someone there to help hold you up. Your family, his family, faith group, hospital chaplain, somebody. Please do allow yourself to accept any help that is offered and to ask for it when you need it.

[Donaleigh]

The Hospital is an ordeal in itself. He has cellulitis in his stomach and it is NOT gas gengrene. He is still dealing with diabetes trying to stabilize the sugar and BP. This site of the swelling is unsightly. I am relieved to hear the Doctor tell him that he is no longer going to survive without insulin shots given 4 times throughout the day. My husband is seemingly willing now to have a routine. Cheers to such nice folks on this site!

[buttons]

I am sorry ...no answeres for you , wish I had some.

[volleyball]

So overall this might be a blessing in disguise. A wake up call, a tough wake up call but some of just keep hitting the snooze button way too long.

[davef]

The Hospital is an ordeal in itself. He has cellulitis in his stomach and it is NOT gas gengrene. He is still dealing with diabetes trying to stabilize the sugar and BP. This site of the swelling is unsightly. I am relieved to hear the Doctor tell him that he is no longer going to survive without insulin shots given 4 times throughout the day. My husband is seemingly willing now to have a routine. Cheers to such nice folks on this site!

Thanks for the update. The cellulitis can be draining in itself, I had in my stomach just before being diagnose but it sounds like you hubby has gotten a nasty bout of it.

It's good to hear that your husband is willing to have a routine, perhaps he is like me and works better with a fixed routine.

Do encourage him to join us on the forums, he will get lots of support and this is the best place to learn about his new lifestyle. If I could make changes then anyone can and I now feel so much better, I'm healthier with diabetes than I was for many years before being diagnosed.

Tell him his new friends on Diabetes Forums were asking for him!

Make sure to take care of yourself, eat and rest, having a loved one in hospital can be very tiring.

[Kim_in_TN]

So glad to hear that your hubby is getting help that he needs and seems to be truly wanting to change!

[georgepds]

....I am relieved to hear the Doctor tell him that he is no longer going to survive without insulin shots given 4 times throughout the day. My husband is seemingly willing now to have a routine....

I'm so glad there is hope of a change for you

As to people who refuse medical treatment.. you just never know where it will happen. I know a family of doctors ( surgeon father, radiologist daughter) who refuse dental treatment. They extract their own teeth when the problem reaches a crisis... go figure

[Scrabblechick]

Donaleigh, I'm convinced that NOTHING wears you out, physically, mentally and spiritually, like having a loved one in the hospital. I know where you're coming from. However, I'm very glad to hear your husband didn't have any kind of gangrene, and that his doctor has taken a no-nonsense approach with him.

Keeping you and your hubby lifted up in prayer.