Advice Needed ...

[Riannon]

I have been a Type 1 diabetic for almost 31 years. My son is also a Type 1 diabetic, and has been for almost 4 years now.

My boyfriend and I had an argument tonight about the "loose" lifestyle I supposedly let my soon to be 8 year old lead.

Says the boyfriend, "He needs a strictly regimented schedule. Deviations should be rare. I can't believe that, after being raised that way yourself, you allow him to live this goosey-loosey life where he doesn't even go to bed at the same time every night!"

Say I, "First of all, since you aren't living in the house you can't tell me he's not in bed within a few minutes of the same time every night. Secondly, 'strict regiments' are NOT needed. Schedules, yes, but the way you're making it sound everything would have to be orchestrated to the exact second to make you happy. The beauty of both of us being on pumps is that we can have flexibility while still maintaining better control!"

Obviously I know that frequent, large variations in schedule aren't the best choice. However, my ex-Marine boyfriend makes it sound like I have to be a drill sergeant! When I was turning 8 there were no blood tests ... and we all know urine testing doesn't show what IS in the blood but rather what WAS in the blood. The pump was not an option. Insulin was made from pigs and cows whereas it's now developed by using rDNA ... things have gotten BETTER! And my parents were NOT overly strict about schedules.

Yes, we had times to be up for school to get there on time. Yes, we had a set time for bed. But as long as homework and dinner were completed before it was time for bed, they didn't worry whether it was an hour earlier or later than usual.

I know that in many ways he has my son's best interest at heart. (The boyfriend is not his father. My son is from a previous marriage.) I guess my question is how to explain to the Marine that regiments are for the miltary and that civilian life, even civilian life with diabetes, needs to be more spontaneous and allow room for deviation.

It turned into a pretty big argument. Figured that with all of the experts here maybe I could find the voice of reason in it all.

Thanks for any help you can offer!!!!!!!! :confused:

[EeyoreButterfly]

Wow, that is intense! You need to sit down and talk with him about how what he said affected you, and how that is an inaccurate assessment of your life and your son's life.

Let him know that you love him, but you don't believe it is his place to question your parenting skills in this way. Explain to him what you jus explained to us- how different it was 30 years ago. I hope you two can work things out. Honestly, I would be leery of a man who tried to pull a stunt like that with me.

[Riannon]

In all fairness to my boyfriend ... while I am NOT happy about his views, he did express them from a hospital bed while pumped on massive IV steroids to to a raging infection in a surgical site.

I know. The VIEWS are the problem. ALl the steroids MIGHT have changed is the TONE in which he expressed them.

Not excusing him. Just trying to calm down and be fair. LOL

[EeyoreButterfly]

Poor guy. :( Take anything anyone says while sick with a massive grain of salt.

I would hold off on that conversation until he is feeling better.

[DeusXM]

Personally I think this is a bit more than just diabetes-related. Everyone has a different approach to parenting and what they feel is 'good' parenting. Generally what people consider 'good' parenting tends to be how they were raised. You said yourself that your parents gave you relative freedom. I bet your boyfriend's parents had a firm bedtime for him. I know I did, and I didn't even have diabetes at the time.

Depending on how long your boyfriend has been around, it may be that he wants to play an active role in bringing up your son. Which means it is probably driving him crazy when he sees you make parenting decisions that don't tally with his idea of 'good' parenting. The diabetes issue is probably just a way of him trying to find reasons to convince you of his way, rather than yours.

I'm no parenting and relationship expert, but I think the two of you need to sit down and decide how much of a role he is going to play in your son's upbringing. Which means you may have to compromise on some areas if you want him involved. I'd suggest that it's not worth fighting over what time your son goes to bed.

[Subby]

Poor guy. :( Take anything anyone says while sick with a massive grain of salt.

I would hold off on that conversation until he is feeling better.

+1.

I really think you need to relax about it all this until you can discuss it when he is feeling better and you are in a neutral place. While I understand the urge looking for a "voice of reason" or the perfect way of deciding an argument, it almost never works that way. In the end this is a test of if you two can work out your different viewpoints and reach a situation where all get along happily. Maybe you can, maybe you can't, maybe you should, maybe you shouldn't. But do wait until he is better to try. And when you do have a chat about it don't say "you said so and so..." - but reach for a clean slate, let him express himself without being shacked to defending what he said when he was sick. A relationship usually requires tolerance and flexibility to some degree. You've both got some work to do on that front from the sounds of it.