I feel so helpless

[mell1682]

I have a dear friend whom I've known for 13 years. He became a Type 1 at 18 years old and I remember being heartbroken for him and thinking "Well I can help him"...and I've desperately tried but he just doesn't care. He is 26 now, has had the D for approx. 8 years and I'm certain he has more bodily damage than I do and I have had it 21 years. He refuses to control it because he feels like he's always low in the upper 100's. I tried to tell him it's cuz he's so used to running so high that a BS of 150 is low for him but not low in general. He doesn't care! I've tried helping him time his insulin better, I've tried to help him learn how to better monitor and I've even gotten him an extra tester that might be easier for him to use (One Touch Mini). He's married to my best friend and father of an amazing 3 year old and he's killing himself. I want to cry because he takes his highs out on his family and expects immediate forgiveness for his actions and he wants everyone to just pretend like HE has no control over his own actions, especially the blood sugar related ones. I know high BS make one act much differently but I wish he wouldn't use this to try and excuse crappy behavior all the time. I wish he knew how much we love him and how much I want him to be alive to see his daughter grow. I think I know how my mom used to feel when I was being careless about my diabetes. I can't force him to care and it is so frustrating cuz I KNOW what is going to happen to him and I can't stop it. I have to sit back and watch my best friend and their daughter go through this.

[EeyoreButterfly]

Unfortunately you can't help him if he doesn't want help. The more you push him, the more he is going to push back. It sounds like your best bet at the momen is to just let him know that if he ever needs help or has questiosn you are there for him, then back off.

I had a friend when I worked for Disney who had Type 1 and could not afford his testing supplies. They had to call an amublance for him on several different occasions. He knew we were there for him when he needed it and that was what he needed from us at that point- friends who were concerned but not pushy.

Unfortunately, your friend needs to decide on his own that he needs to get this thing under control before you can help him. It's tough siting back and watching a friend hurt themselves. Hugs.

[lorilei]

that sucks, mell..bad enough he's struggling in his own life, but it is ashame that he feels entitled to take it out on his family...can he be approached from that angle?

[SuzySushi]

Show him your note.

If that doesn't work, nothing will.

[nicole]

I can honestly say that I am the same way at times.

I feel low when my blood sugar is actually very good. But after controlling it for a few days I feel better and get used to it.

[Psycho Penguin]

I can honestly say that I am the same way at times.

I feel low when my blood sugar is actually very good. But after controlling it for a few days I feel better and get used to it.

This is what I came here to say. I'll actually feel better when my sugar is 150 or higher sometimes, so I know where your friend is coming from.

[mell1682]

Show him your note.

If that doesn't work, nothing will.

I may just try that...but I don't know, cuz I don't want confrontation and the way he is, it just might turn that way. I know a lot of it has to do with the sheer frustration of everything we all have to do and I think he's got a "I'm a victim" attitude (as displayed when my best friend, his wife, went to have her c-section and he had the gall to say taking shots every day is more painful than a c-section, excuse moi? I take shots every day and I know it's no where near as painful as a c-section!). Guys on this one I may just have to take a back seat and watch...hard as it is... you're all right, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink...
It's just sooooo frustrating cuz I know and love both of them and their daughter.

[mell1682]

that sucks, mell..bad enough he's struggling in his own life, but it is ashame that he feels entitled to take it out on his family...can he be approached from that angle?

Unfortunately no :( He's quite angry about the whole thing and doesn't have room in his heart right now for other people and their feelings....even if they're his wife and child. Hardest for me is to stay neutral...I can't and I won't...I've been friends with his wife a little longer and I have struggled in my own marriage with the wrath of diabetes, and it took me a LONG time to realize that my husband didn't have to excuse my behavior, and that he shouldn't . We are actually happier now than we've ever been in 7 years. It's amazing how much better one feels when their diabetes is in control! :D

[Subby]

I have a dear friend whom I've known for 13 years. He became a Type 1 at 18 years old and I remember being heartbroken for him and thinking "Well I can help him"...and I've desperately tried but he just doesn't care. He is 26 now, has had the D for approx. 8 years and I'm certain he has more bodily damage than I do and I have had it 21 years. He refuses to control it because he feels like he's always low in the upper 100's. I tried to tell him it's cuz he's so used to running so high that a BS of 150 is low for him but not low in general. He doesn't care!


This is the factor that sits above it all. If there's anything to be done it's for him to move out of the "not caring" way of being. You know him... what makes him tick? In life, what are the factors that get him off his backside when push comes to shove?

I have some personal experience in diabetes making me "not care". For a long time I felt it was going to kill me no matter what I did, and pretty quick. It was repression of this anxiety, pure and simple, than kept me "not caring", not actually a lack of caring. I'd guess it's a similar conundrum in a lot of diabetics whether they feel it or admit it or not.


I KNOW what is going to happen to him and I can't stop it. I have to sit back and watch my best friend and their daughter go through this.

I know you've tried to help a lot. I've had a different but in some ways similar situation. One of my very good friends got diagnosed at the age of 24 and I was living in the same house as him at the time. I made efforts to be a positive influence but it was clear he was repressing. I was subtle and careful not to be pushy but I think he did resent it. He would not start "caring" even as I saw his weight balloon, he had a blood clot, he would swill litre after litre of water every hour as he was sitting in ketosis but still not take an injection. After a while I completely stopped airing this issue "diabetes" between us at all because he was so uncomfortable. I moved out eventually, and although he was a dear friend I had to stop seeing him as I seemed to make him uncomfortable just by my presence. I think 8 years on he is likely to be dead. I have no way to know. It's hugely upsetting to think about.

Anyway, that's not to just be depressing (for a start my friend sounds way more out of control) but is some food for thought about the dynamics that can go on. Looking back I can see that I was too close to him to be in a position to help. I wonder if you are too close to help in the ways that are needed, I wonder if your friend needs better people further away from him. I wonder if working behind the scenes (through the wife, surely she has a little clout?) getting him onto better diabetic educators or doctors might help the process of him starting to connect and "care" a bit more. I'd say really patient, kind, positive influences are needed. Fire and brimstone attitudes may make it worse, did for me.

Good luck and I hope things can change so the sense of fatalism you have can dissipate. I do think you should avoid passing on that feeling to him... he needs to be working on his positivity, enthusiasm, bravery, forgiving himself, and kindness to himself.

[Psycho Penguin]

It's weird that he is 26 and has been diabetic for 8 years and still has the attitude. Something needs to "click" inside of him to get him to want to change. Maybe he will need to get really sick and potentially go into DKA to get him to wake up.