Advice on communicating w/ sig other?

[angelsbridges]

Hey all,
I've mentioned in some other posts that my boyfriend is having, what seems to be, a hard time understanding what's going on with me. He understands the basics of it, but he's called me obsessive (for testing my bs at home) and that I think too much about it (the diet, etc).

We had a talk last night, and he apologized. I tried to explain to him that this is serious (pre diabetes). He even let me test him with my meter, so he knew what it was like. He said he gets frustrated with me talking about it all the time. I was diagnosed about a month ago, and don't really have any real life support (none of my friends know or understand what I'm going through right now).

I'm starting to think that maybe I am making this too big of deal...but what is "too much"? Am I irrational for being scared and worried?

Did anyone else have problems with their significant others when they were first diagnosed. How did you explain it to them, and your feelings?

[princesslinda]

I think it does take time for us to "make peace" with the idea of having diabetes. Anything that takes up a great deal of your thoughts is obviously going to be what you talk about the most. My husband was very concerned when I was first diagnosed, but now he sees that I do what i'm supposed to do and I guess he doesn't worry as much...or he doesn't verbalize it if he does.

Your boyfriend can't really understand what you're going through...no matter how hard he tries, as he's not the one living daily with diabetes.

I remember my husband asking me "can't we please just talk about something that isn't about diabetes?" and I remember it really hurt my feelings....but I realized that he was scared for me, just as I was....and talking about it all the time was a constant reminder that things were different from before.

Now, I don't mention my diabetes to my husband, family or friends that much at all.....I test when I need to, eat what I need to and just get on with my life. You'll do this as well as time passes.

I guess the forum takes care of my need for "diabetes talk," leaving my time with hubby less health focused and more "us" focused.

[xMenace]

There is a time and place for D-talk. DF is all ears! One of the main objectives of everyone (It should be anyway) is to live as normal a life as possible. I rarely talk about it unless it "comes up" or there's a need to know, like when I'm playing hockey. There's people I work with and friends who have no clue I have it.

[angelsbridges]

The main reason why I find myself talking about it all the time is because I'm so confused.

I think that I'm just hoping and wishing that someone will come along and say, "Hey, I know what you're talking about!" and tell me what they know.

[davef]

The main reason why I find myself talking about it all the time is because I'm so confused.

I think that I'm just hoping and wishing that someone will come along and say, "Hey, I know what you're talking about!" and tell me what they know.

Hey, I know what you're talking about!

The first will can be confusing, overwhelming and in can be the only thing you think about. To add to the confusion, it can be hard to understand why those nearest and dearest to us don't get why we are obsessed with it.

All I can say is that it does get easier, certainly coming here and "talking" to people who genuinely do get it helps a great deal.

It is probably hard for your BF too, he knows even less about Diabetes than you do, it is probably worried and seeing you so engrossed may make him worry more. This is no reflection on either of you, it is sadly part of coming to terms with a diagnosis. Give both of you some time, perhaps making an effort to get through a meal/afternoon/morning/day without discussing diabetes will help you both - you both might find it easier to just accept it as part of your life.

It really does become easier, you learn that diabetes does not define you, that you are controlling your diabetes and it does not control you.

If it has not been recommended already, get a book called "The first year: Type 2 diabetes" by Gretchen Becker, it is easy to read and very informative. I understand you have a pre-D diagnosis, but perhaps reading the book will give you more information and it does seem you want to learn more.

Above all, never hesitate to come here for information, support, help, venting or just to "hang" with people who understand.

[IrishJoe]

Dont obsess if you can. You must control it - it must not control you. If you are testing every hour then you are obsessing and its controlling you.

Your BF is probably just worried about you. Are you T2 pre-diabetic T1 ? I only know about being T1 but my GF supported me and just trusted that I'd be able to get through it and of course she helped lots.

[Evermont]

Hi there!

The main reason why I find myself talking about it all the time is because I'm so confused...

If you're confused - ask questions! Save the talking for when you understand things. Dave and John are right. Talk to us. Learn from DF. Read the book - and others like it.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand diabetes any more than you do, talking his ear off won't help you and it might just make him crazy.

...Am I irrational for being scared and worried?...

You are right to take it seriously. You can and should do what you can to slow down the badness that can come with diabetes. The question is what can you actually DO, and there is certainly much that is within your control. Learn about and act on those things.

Being scared and worried is very common. It's not ideal though. Fear is optional, knowledge and focused action are much better allies than fear and worry. Get some knowledge and take action.

Talk to BF about things that he enjoys talking about.

[angelsbridges]

Right now I'm prediabetic, but they are checking things out because I've been having a lot of symptoms and other issues.

I'm having them look into 1.5 (LADA). My numbers aren't high engough for type II, although I'm genetically predisposed to type II.

I'm not taking it every hour :)
I think we worked it out...I don't think he realized that I have to make big life changes for this. He was still thinking fast food and eating whatever was ok, despite me telling him it wasn't. He was sort of taking the, "What's the big deal?" attitude about it. I think I clarified a little for him.

*edit*
If your boyfriend doesn't understand diabetes any more than you do, talking his ear off won't help you and it might just make him crazy.

I think you're dead on the money on this one, too.

[yannah]

I have a STRONG opinion on this.

obsess if you want to. go for it. do it. till you feel like you have your arms around it.

My girlfriend told me to chill when i was diagnosed. and she even said it was "just diabetes" OH MY!!! are you kidding?

but we have it all worked out now. I still obsess, and it has been since last august, but I have OCD, I wouldn't reccomend obsessing that long. just till you know all, own all, and have it all under control. I am serious.

you are going to be okay, really, but only because you are taking this seriously. good job.:) You are awsome!! and tell your boyfriend I said so.

[EeyoreButterfly]

Even if he doesn't understand it, I think he should be supportive of you when you are going through a hard time. Telling you not to obsess is not supportive. Making you feel belittled because you obviously need someboyd to talk to is not supportive.

We all do things that drive our significant others nuts. Right now my boyfriend and I are both job hunting. In January he was filling out applications every single night even though no schools had posted yet and was really frustrating himself. Every night he would complain about filling them out and how stressful they were, and it started to drive me a little batty. After all, there was no reason to apply that early, most of the schools he applied to wouldn't even have openings! But I bit my tongue and commiserated and supported him. That was his battle at that time. That is part of being in a relationship.

[lorilei]

i obsess privately....in real life i just don't talk about it AT ALL...that is why i am a DF stalker...really!

[angelsbridges]

I think I'll join you in stalking, Lori, I think it'll help me out :)

[HollyB]

It is a normal part of the learning curve to be kind of obsessive for a while -- it's a lot to get your head around, and that's how you come to terms with it. Of course you are worried! But as you learn more about how to take care of yourself you'll feel more confident and more able to enjoy all the other parts of your life again.

I kind of think with S.O.'s, there's a distinction to be made. It's fair for them to want to talk/think/plan about something besides diabetes. And not fair to expect them to be as obsessed as the person with the diagnosis. On the other hand, it makes me crazy to hear about partners or relatives criticizing a person for being "making too big a deal of it" (usually for routine following-doctors-orders stuff like testing, carb counting, or not getting hammered with them) when they do not in the least understand what is required to manage this disease or what the consequences can be of NOT managing it.

So maybe you can make a deal: you'll try to not be constantly talking about it (you have this place for that now!), but HE will try to be understanding and supportive of you doing what you need to do to be healthy. And he will make the effort to learn the things you need him to know: like how to treat a low if you can't manage it yourself.

[sugardumplin]

LUCKY YOU GIRL! Sometimes I wish I got the warning of becoming pre-diabetic. I didn't. I just woke up one day and my life was forever changed. There is no turning it around for me. But you.... you still have a chance! When I run into people who say they are pre-diabetic, I tell them... FIGHT IT! Beat it! Dont give in because once you do, that's it. You have an opportunity to change things...right now.:)

[angelsbridges]

(usually for routine following-doctors-orders stuff like testing, carb counting, or not getting hammered with them)

This is huge. I have felt so left out lately. He wasn't understanding why I didn't want to go out to eat at a "bad place" (and then I would have to be like "HEY, PREDIABETES, REMEMBER?"), or why I don't want to go out to the bar or clubbing with everyone ("HEY, I CAN'T DRINK AND HAVE A BROKEN FOOT, REMEMBER?") I don't think he'll do it anymore, but he has been like, "Oh, it's ok, right? Just one time?", but it turns into a lot. I think he's getting better since our talk the other night.

Sorry, that felt good to vent. At least my foot is healing :)

[genie86333]

Glad he's starting to get it maybe a bit! One thing to remember...even at the "bad places" there's probably something you can eat. I think the only thing I wouldn't try is an Italian restaurant. Even pizza places sometimes have a nice salad bar & chicken wings (although the wings may have a sugary sauce)

hamburger joints - ask them to hold the bun and get a salad instead of fries if available. See if they have a large piece of lettuce to wrap the burger and fixins in (like In n Out Burger's "protein style.")

The local tex-mex restaurant has a low-carb bowl.

I eat at chinese buffets & just fill up a bit on salad first, then look for stuff without sweetish sauces & lots of breading & skip the rice.

I *do* totally understand the bar/clubbing scene though - that's not very much fun especially with a broken foot!

[TommyC1]

Hey all,

Did anyone else have problems with their significant others when they were first diagnosed. How did you explain it to them, and your feelings?

It seems like everytime I stop obsessing my control goes south in a hurry.
My wife, family and friends don't do to well listening to me obsess. They don't understand, don't want to hear it again and again. I guess that's how it is from the outside.
So I can't relax and I can't vent IRL.

What a relief stumbling across DF. You all get it!

Tommy

[angelsbridges]

It seems like everytime I stop obsessing my control goes south in a hurry.


I sympathize. It seems now that I've stopped bringing it up, I've been bad about cooking dinner because we haven't gone grocery shopping, and he doesn't cook, and I feel like I never have time between full time school and work D:

I need to figure something out.

[Cramster]

You WILL figure something out. It's rarely easy or fast, but through developing a system of habits and understanding what your options are. Just keep caring about your body. You have been given a chance to preemptively strike at the big D, use it. :)

[sarazilla]

I know what this is like. My husband took it really well, he never gets irritated with me, but, I can tell he's not always paying 100% attention to everything I am jabbering on about related to Diabetes.
More than my husband, I am seriously frustrated with my best friend. Or at least I was pretty frustrated with her for a while. Basically, it comes down to this, I think; people fall in love with you, or become your friend [at least if you have a "late-blooming" diagnosis] BEFORE you get a diabetes diagnosis. After diagnosis, it's hard not to think and talk about diabetes and things that relate to diabetes, at least for a period of time before you settle into the new lifestyle. Your friends or family or people who are close to you don't have the disease! They don't live with the burden, and as much as they care about you, it's hard for them to completely relate or understand. Patience is key here, I think. After all is said in done, loved ones still love you, still care a great deal, but they're not diabetic, or pre-diabetic. That's what's so great about these forums! As long as you have a place to ask questions, as long as you have a community somewhere to talk and to have a dialogue, you can jabber on about Diabetes without feeling like a bother. (At least, I know this helps me). Anyway, now I am jabbering, I guess I just mean to say, I understand where you're coming from, and I hope you can see by the amount of response here that there are a lot of other people out there who will listen.

[sumi]

Angel,
As an old experienced diabetic with a whole 3 months under my belt (no that is Not why I'm a little plump there!), I think you will find that what you and your bf are going through is completely normal. It's natural for you to be a bit obsessive-I was like a deer in the headlights, and for him to hope it's nothing serious. It will get better, hopefully quite soon. When I realized 2 weeks ago that I had been up for 2 hours without testing my bg, it also made me realize that I was finally calming down a bit. My husband has stopped making unthinking remarks on the subject and tries to appear interested when I talk about it- however it would be pushing it to give him a pop quiz.