worried

[flozzywindy]

hey everyone,
I'm a 19 year old girl and i dont have diabetes myself but my boyfriend was diagnosed a little under a year ago with type 1, at 18. We're very close and he's very open about it so he's shared most things with me, as he's learnt about it, but im very worried about him and i really wanted some advice :(
we both live quite undisciplined lives, we sleep in A LOT, its not unusual for us to sleep in till like 3pm, (we're students btw not unemployed or anything!) our eating habits are crazy, we never have regular meal times...not to mention the fact we're not very healthy. I've worried a lot that this kind of...irregular lifestyle is bad for diabetes, and i've worried its doing harm but every time i try to bring up something im worried about with diabetes he'll say its fine, it doesnt matter how you live or when you eat or what you eat as long as you just take the right insulin for what you eat and make sure you check it really regularly so its not too high/low. And he is good, he checks it all the time, but the bad lifestyle thing makes me really uneasy...but if i ever try to suggest it to him he gets cross with me, and says 'I think i know a bit more about diabetes than you so dont bug me about it, i know whats going on.'
but everyone else seems to think lifestyle does matter, his parents have taken me on one side and asked me to try and help him, my mum has warned me that i should tell him to be better at living a more regular lifestyle but he just seems immune to any suggestions.
So i guess I'm asking, how important is the lifestyle? Should i bring it up with him more seriously? Or if he still wont listen should i try and discipline myself better so he'll do the same? Or is he right in saying it doesnt matter...all i really know about diabetes is what he's told me and what i read so i usually stop bugging him cos i know i'm no expert...so i just wondered if the real experts had any advice :) or has anyone who used to have no routine noticed it being better from a routine? Thank you!!

[relyt]

.......but everyone else seems to think lifestyle does matter, his parents have taken me on one side and asked me to try and help him, my mum has warned me that i should tell him to be better at living a more regular lifestyle but he just seems immune to any suggestions.
So i guess I'm asking, how important is the lifestyle? Should i bring it up with him more seriously? Or if he still wont listen should i try and discipline myself better so he'll do the same? Or is he right in saying it doesnt matter...all i really know about diabetes is what he's told me and what i read so i usually stop bugging him cos i know i'm no expert...so i just wondered if the real experts had any advice :) or has anyone who used to have no routine noticed it being better from a routine? Thank you!!

Hey I am a 14 year old type 1 Diabetic and I was diagnosed last october. When it comes to Diabetes, Lifestyle is very important. When I was diagnosed I had to give up some of my favorite foods, but it was probably for the best. Getting diabetes changed my usual diet from fatty and sugar-coated to alittle healthier. Now being a diabetic does not mean that you have to get rid of all the unhealthy foods, but if you dont eat at least a little healthy you can have problems. Now I can see from your boyfriends point of view that why should you be telling him about a diabetic lifestyle when you know nothing about the disease(I too have this trouble with my mom sometimes). But letting him know you care about him is not bad and if both your lifestyles are bad, than it would probably help him if you also tried to change your lifestyle with him. Lifesytle change can help diabetics, especially in controling blood sugars. I have been told that a healthier lifestyle can lead to a long life with diabetes with little complications.

[xMenace]

Like anything, it depends.

If he has flat basal needs -- he doesn't have gaps where he swings high or low -- then a variable lifestyle is quite doable. If he's on a pump, it's even more so. The fact that he checks his sugars is a grreat sign.

Is he having problems with hypos or hypers? If not, don't worry too much.

"Bad" lifestyles are bad for everyone, not just diabetics ;)

You're young. Enjoy your crazy lives! You'll settle into routines before long.

[yannah]

it all depends on the definition of "bad lifestyle" like is he smoking 2 packs of smokes a day, cuz thats bad for diabetes.
is he drinking all night and sleeping all day? what are his numbers like? what does testing alot mean? it all depends.

my lifestyle in college, would not have been a diabetes plus.

[DeusXM]

i ever try to suggest it to him he gets cross with me, and says 'I think i know a bit more about diabetes than you so dont bug me about it, i know whats going on.'

Don't take this personally. Speaking as the guy in a relationship with diabetes, let me warn you of a few things.

1. We're guys. When a woman makes helpful, reasonable suggestions, we hear 'nagging', because we're stupid and proud. :D

2. Remember that guys are stupid and proud? If your boyfriend is anything like me, he probably feels that people judge him because he has diabetes, that everyone else thinks he is delicate or needs extra help or whatever. The male ego is the largest and most fragile thing in the universe. I'm sure he know you mean well, but let's face it, a woman can willfully misinterpret what a man says negatively. So can men, so when you say "Is your lifestyle ok?" and you mean "I'm worried about keeping you healthy", he hears "You're a special needs case and not very tough."

3. Never underestimate anyone with diabetes' ability to have wounded pride and fall back on the "And just how would you know what it's like?" approach.

Ok, all that sounded a bit harsh, but it's all tongue in cheek.

So here's the real help.

Routines do not in themselves make for a better diabetes treatment plan. The idea that someone with diabetes has to stick to a rigid timetable and eat special foods at the exact same times is a myth. A routine can help encourage a healthier lifestyle but it is not essential.

Sleeping into 3pm can be fine. Staying up all night and then having cold pizza and kebab for breakfast can be fine too. Drinking a pint of red food colouring just before you go for a urine test and then screaming as you pee can be fine too, although it can sorta terrify your doctor. You may note the voice of experience here.

It's not necessarily healthy for anyone but unless your boyfriend is making serious mistakes (like not checking his blood sugar and missing his injections), he's not likely to come off any worse than you are.

If his A1C is fine and he's maintaining a healthy BMI there's no real reason to feel concerned. It sounds to me though that you yourself might be concerned about your lifestyle too. Don't be afraid to change it, and don't be afraid to encourage your boyfriend to as well, although don't wave the "you should because you have diabetes" card at him because it's actually a side concern to being healthy.

[Tattoo azz]

Yeah don't panic, i was a nightmare when i was teenager i drank like a fish, ate all the wrong foods, slept in, didn't test much etc etc etc. He will get better, he just needs to figure some things out for himself, but don't think that you're not important. Let him know you care and also learn as much as you can about t1, that way if things go a bit awol you know what to do. Maybe eating a little bit more to a timetable yourself might get him to do the same, little things like that can help alot. But don't go on at him or he'll just rebel to annoy you.

[xMenace]

DeusXM said it well.

We all have choices to make. Diabetes doesn't need to be a reason to make choices, as long as it's controlled.

Focus on the A1C and hypo incidents. If his A1C is 6.5% or better and he is not having many bad hypos, then he's doing well. I think I'm doing pretty good with one bad hypo a month and nothing that triggers a 911 call. If either get out of hand, it's time for some changes.

it all depends on the definition of "bad lifestyle" like is he smoking 2 packs of smokes a day, cuz thats bad for diabetes.

This is the only point I would agree you should raise your voice over and put up a fight. Diabetes negatively affects our vascular system. Smoking negatively affects our vascular system. They don't mix. Any diabetic who smokes may very well wish they did get lung cancer instead of the other complications - amputations, blindness, neuropathy, kidney failure, and chd. It really is throwing gas on a fire.

[Subby]

Hi flozzywindy. You've recieved some truly great advice here! I just wanted to say, I'm very sorry you are being put in that situation by the mum, I consider it very unfair but I have seen things like that happen a lot. It is not your place to order him around and I'd say she is either using you or thinks that's how relationships should work ( chances are you don't agree).

I wonder, is this urging to get him into line confidential in nature, is it like some thing behind his back? Is there a sense of duty and guilt? If so I would be taking the issue into the only relationship that matters the most for you (sorry mom) and talk to him about it. If it causes waves or dificulties, that is out of your hands, and so be it, your job is not to act on behalf of parents or family members and that's what this pressure is about.

He's got to take this on himself. I'd drop whatever questioning or line of argument that leads to a repeating scenario of antagonism. If you really think things should be better and you want to do something about it, changing lifestyle NOT for his diabetes, but for example for yourself and your own health, would be the way to go to gently influence him towards better habits. It would just makes certain choices more attractive... like joining you on a walk when you wake up... and other choices harder... like deciding to get fish n chips for dinner when you've cooked a great healthy meal or said "I really want to go to this place with delicious food" (that happens to be much healthier).

[flozzywindy]

thanks so much for the advice everyone, it's great! :D
ok
firstly very luckily he doesnt smoke or drink which was a huge bit of luck, he just doesnt like it. once, he got drunk (after being diagnosed) but was so sick he says its just not worth it again...
it was more the eating and the sleeping i was worried about cos i know how, well especially the eating, is so important.
oh yeah he definatley tests and doesnt forget to inject etc so thats ok, but when he had, i think it was his second A1C test, it was really high (10) and everyone got really worried, and he got really demoralised and stuff, and it made me worry that maybe it was his lifestyle cos his first one was good, and that was when he had a summer job so it was a really regular routine...so i thought that could be it. Is there any other reason it could have been so high?
but this has made me feel so much less worried, thanks everyone :) lol and thanks for the advice on the male ego, it definitely does sound familiar ;)
oh and as for the numbers...theyre usually like between 10 and 20 whenever i see them, like he said that you're supposed to have them between 4 and 8 but his are usually higher...is it achievable to get it between 4 and 8 most of the time oris it normal to have it higher most of the time? again, i dont want to look like im nagging for the impossible if its an impossible task! oh yeah and testing a lot, before he got the bad test result he'd barely test cos he just thought he could feel it if it was going bad, so he only would every few days, but after the test result he started testing a lot more, usually when he gets up, before he goes to bed and like just a couple of times during the day to check...
sorry for the long post, but thanks so much for all your help its been great :D
xxxxx

[fairyblood]

If he is only testing about four times a day (thats what is sounds like) it is going to be really hard to have good control. As a type one diabetic they often say that the minimum tests is four times a day but I believe that you need to test at least seven times a day for good control.

I am a type 1 diabetic in college and I know how hard it can be. It takes a lot of work to have good numbers, more work then many are willing to do. I don't view it as a good lifestyle issue although that doesn't hurt but as a willingness to work very hard and pay a lot of attention to what needs to change and what works. He does need to get this under better control however it is very common for people to struggle with diabetes especially at our age. It is really hard if not impossible to help someone that does not want help. That isn't to say you should leave him alone per say but that if he isn't really receptive your help it is sometimes counterproductive to nag or bug someone.

It is completely possible to keep your blood sugar between 4 through 8 (72-144) most of the time. On occasion you are going to be higher or lower then you would like. It takes a high level of motivation and determinedness. You have to know how important it is to you and why it is so important otherwise it is just too hard to do all the time.

I have no idea really how you can help him. I have always done this alone. I am glad he has someone (you) that care so much for him. Few people are so lucky. I would approach him in conversation and ask him if there is anything that you could help him with or if he wants to talk about anything sometimes that helps bring down the defenses.

If you want to read a good book about diabetes I would recommend "Think Like a Pancreas". It is a great book and will give you a good idea about what is needed to get a handle on this disease. Good luck and keep us updated.:)

[retired60]

Yeah don't panic, i was a nightmare when i was teenager i drank like a fish, ate all the wrong foods, slept in, didn't test much etc etc etc. He will get better, he just needs to figure some things out for himself, but don't think that you're not important. Let him know you care and also learn as much as you can about t1, that way if things go a bit awol you know what to do. Maybe eating a little bit more to a timetable yourself might get him to do the same, little things like that can help alot. But don't go on at him or he'll just rebel to annoy you. I was this way and ended up having by pass surgery.

[matingara]

oh and as for the numbers...theyre usually like between 10 and 20 whenever i see them, like he said that you're supposed to have them between 4 and 8 but his are usually higher...is it achievable to get it between 4 and 8 most of the time oris it normal to have it higher most of the time?

from what i have read and understand numbers between 10-20 mmol/l are definitely not a good idea.

the ideal number before meals is 4-6 mmol/l. a suggested, recommended maximum 2 hours after eating is 7.8 mmol/l.

i try to keep my numbers between 4 and 6 mmol/l at all times. occasionally i spike over 8.0 mmol/l.

BUT a number near or over 10 mmol/l freaks me out and i correct it immediately and with conservative aggression.

:)

[DeusXM]

Ok, what you've posted has put a different spin on it. Your boyfriend is not controlling his diabetes. That means he doesn't have the right to a flexible lifestyle just yet, he needs to sort himself out, and fast.

There's a calculation you can use to roughly judge when things are going to go wrong. You take your A1C and subtract by 5. You then multiply the answer by 12. Then you divide 1000 by the answer, and the answer you get from that is the number of years away from your diagnosis date (roughly) that you'll develop serious complications.

So with your boyfriend, that's 10-5 - so that's 5. 5*12 = 60. 1000 / 60 = 16 years.

So that means at the current rate, your boyfriend could potentially go blind or lose a leg within 16 years of diagnosis. I hope he's been doing better in the past than he is now and I hope he was diagnosed reasonably recently.

I'm not trying to scare you or him but I am trying to get across the point how important it is for him to get some better control and soon. And I hate to say it but it really isn't your responsibility; it's his.

[Subby]

Ok, what you've posted has put a different spin on it. Your boyfriend is not controlling his diabetes. That means he doesn't have the right to a flexible lifestyle just yet, he needs to sort himself out, and fast.

There's a calculation you can use to roughly judge when things are going to go wrong. You take your A1C and subtract by 5. You then multiply the answer by 12. Then you divide 1000 by the answer, and the answer you get from that is the number of years away from your diagnosis date (roughly) that you'll develop serious complications.

So with your boyfriend, that's 10-5 - so that's 5. 5*12 = 60. 1000 / 60 = 16 years.

So that means at the current rate, your boyfriend could potentially go blind or lose a leg within 16 years of diagnosis. I hope he's been doing better in the past than he is now and I hope he was diagnosed reasonably recently.

I'm not trying to scare you or him but I am trying to get across the point how important it is for him to get some better control and soon. And I hate to say it but it really isn't your responsibility; it's his.

Agreed... and my bold for emphasis... and if nagging or pushing a point from you or his family hasn't helped so far, chances are it just doesn't suit and probably makes things even worse. So even though it's our automatic reaction, to try and get people we love to do the right thing, it can achieve the opposite to what we want. Gently influencing and truly being there for him are the best things you can do. As a partner, if you have a good relationship, there will be many wonderful and unique ways you can make a difference. But forcing or stressing him are unlikely to be it (well... sometimes it is good to force an issue or put your foot down or state how you really feel about things, even if it's upsetting, I feel. But not all the time and you need to pick the time and the method for it to have a chance of success).

It may not seem such an issue right now, but this is literally the test of his life, to come to grips with this to some degree before it gets him. Be there for him.

[flozzywindy]

I hope he's been doing better in the past than he is now and I hope he was diagnosed reasonably recently.
.

OK basically what happened was, he was diagnosed in May last year, so pretty much exactly a year ago. I dont know what he did but in september after diagnosis he was told he was doing really well and had adapted amazingly and they were going to put him on an insulin pump early and everything, and i think what happened was it made him lax. He stopped doing as many blood tests because he thought he didn't need to and this went on till Christmas, which is when he got the bad A1C result. It probably didnt help that he moved to uni in this time which was a massive change. This totally demoralized him but it made him start doing a lot more blood tests, although it didnt make him change his lifestyle or antything...however he had another test at easter but they lost the results or something...and i keep saying 'don't you want to know what it is, and how its going?' but he says in reply that he doesnt want to know, because it'll probably be bad again and it wont effect how he treats it so he may as well just wait until the next one. But it means we don't know if its got any better :( Although im convinced it must have done because he tests so much more...but i guess we won't know till the next test comes back...thanks again for all the advice everyone

[DeusXM]

Ok, so he's in his first year then. He's not going to get it right in the first year but there's no excuse for not trying. It sounds to me like he's trying to ignore the fact he has diabetes on some level - he's still treating himself but it's a bit like he doesn't really want to admit he's having to treat it, especially if he's not really that concerned about getting the next set of results.

Again, there's not really a lot you can personally do here, although it might be worth 'fighting dirty'. Serious complications from diabetes include losing a leg or going blind. 'Less' serious complications for a guy include permanently damaging the blood vessels in the penis and no amount of Viagra or vacuum pumps or whatever is going to fix that. And that particular complication will happen a lot sooner than the 'more' serious ones.

I'm not sure how you'd want to play that particular card but from a guy's perspective, even when I'm feeling particularly 'undiabeticy', I remind myself of precisely what I'll lose if I don't sort myself out and it motivates me, that's for sure.

I realise by outlining these complications I'm not just scaring him; I realise I may also be scaring you away too. Let me assure you totally and utterly that absolutely none of these problems has to happen if he gets his diabetes under control, so please don't do anything silly out of fear something might happen, if he's working hard to get it together.