How do I deal with my fiance not understanding?

[Chelsea_Brooke_]

I have type one diabetes and obvioiusly at times I can feel not so well. The doctors are still trying to get everything balanced so there are days that I cant help but not feel myself...What do you guys recommend I do to help him understand. We are fighting alot because I tend to get snappy about it. And he doesnt seem to care at all about me not feeling up to my normal standards. He even sometimes gets agitated at me when I feel bad....

[MCS]

This may be harsh, but take a good look at your future and what it is going to be like should you have some complication. Tell him you are not interested in marriage until he can come to the realization that you may need his help from time to time, with everything from your emotions to physical well being. Please proceed with caution.

[foxl]

Okay I just did not want to be first.

Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, and this condition, because you know the condition is forever ... and I bet his lack of sympathy is too.

Things never get better after marriage.

[Dis-N-Dat]

Welcome Chelsea:

There is a great forum here for families of diabetics that he can learn alot from. My hope is that he will happily and with great interest join an learn more about what you're dealing with.

If he's not interested, quite frankly I think he's too selfish for marraige and is demonstrating a serious lack of empathy. You deserve a supportive & loving partner.

I say this with all love & respect.

[Chelsea_Brooke_]

Thanks everyone! Its just really tough right now. I have been up and down with this lately. It has triggered quite a few blackouts within the past week or so. I love him with all my heart and we have been together far too long for me to let this hurt our relationship. But it makes every day a battle. A battle with my sickness and with trying to hide the effects from him. I know he is scared (having been with me on one occasion when I passed out) I just have had a hard time with not getting the support I need. We live together and have for some time now and its hard to be all smiles when he is there when I feel down too.

[Granny Shanny]

I certainly wish you well, Chelsea, if you continue this relationship and marry. I bet he's a really good guy. But if he's scared, what is it that he is scared OF? What did he do when you blacked out? How do you get glucose into your system when you're unconscious? Does he even know what to do?

The next thing that worries me is that you can't be yourself in your own home. You have to put on a cheery persona when he's around. You have to hide the effects of your disorder from him. In a good relationship/marriage, the mate is the one who should be standing at the ready to HELP YOU when diabetes gets the upper hand and you cannot help yourself. To comfort you when a low has hit, and for the next three days you feel like you were run over by a truck.

You have many years of life ahead of you, and there will be rockier times than you have any idea. What you deserve is a partner who loves you as much as you love him; a partner who wants what is best for you.

You didn't ask to have type-1 diabetes. It is not your fault. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is nothing to feel guilty about. If anything, HE is the one allowing this to affect your relationship, by refusing to accept you the way you are - diabetes and all.

[butterflykisses]

I think I'll be the devil's advocate, just for the benefit of fairness only having one side.:D Sometimes when someone is showing no compassion or understanding it's because they're not feeling like they're getting it themselves. Kind of like when someone feels the need to criticize another to feel superior. He could have been building up his resentment for a long time and has nothing to do with your diagnosis, it's just that you're feeling the need of his support more than usual right now, and, therefore there's a greater awareness of it's absence.

Its been my experience that the topic at hand is usually not what the problem is. Sitting down and talking with him, finding out how HE'S feeling. just giving him a minute for it to be all about him, hear his problems and concerns might allow him to be there for you too.

The mistake people make is turning love into an adjective only, describing how they feel about someone and thinking that should be enough. Its a verb, it's about treating someone with respect and if you're loving someone that way and they are not returning it, run the other way. In other words, the beginning of this message was giving him the benefit of understanding he may or may NOT deserve, only you know that. Someone who really loves you is going to WANT to help you, but only if they're getting the same in return.

[AngelKitty]

Hi Chelsea,

Please think very carefully about your "future".

Hiding how you are feeling, pretending everything is okay, so that you don't hurt your finacees' feelings or upset him - WHAT ABOUT YOU? Does he give you the same consideration? (after reading your opening post, he doesn't)

You also said that your fiancee gets agitated with you when you are feeling unwell - have you asked him why?
He doesn't want you to be sick, he wants you to pretend that there is nothing wrong with you - this is not reality - and you are certainly going to need unwavering support from your partner in life in your journey / battle with D.

Are you prepared to live the rest of your life as a "Stepford Wife"?

Proceed with caution.

[slipperyelm]

"The mistake people make is turning love into an adjective only, describing how they feel about someone and thinking that should be enough. Its a verb, it's about treating someone with respect and if you're loving someone that way and they are not returning it, run the other way. In other words, the beginning of this message was giving him the benefit of understanding he may or may NOT deserve, only you know that. Someone who is really loves you is going to WANT to help you, but only if they're getting the same in return."

Do I ever agree with this. Love is not just how you feel or how much you want or want to be with the other person. It is not just how much you want them to be with and how much you wanted to be wanted by them. Loving a person is doing for and with the person. It is a verb. It is the actions you take. Does your fiance love you in that sense? (and you, him?)

Honestly, my first reaction on hearing your story was that you should wait ten years, come back to this person and see if he has grown up any since then. At least I hope you two will have a long engagement so that you can iron out these things before you commit.

And by the way, you will be able to get the knack of living with diabetes. :)

[Granny Shanny]

Makes me think of the song "It's Something That We Do". Whether you care for Clint Black or not, the words ring true.

I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
I still believe the words we said
Forever will ring true

Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn't something that we find
It's something that we do

Its holding tight, lettin go
It's flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too

It's a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do

We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start

It gives me heart remembering how
We started with a simple vow
There's so much to look back on now
Still it feels brand-new

We're on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love's not just something that were in
It's something that we do

Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong
Love is why I love this song
And I hope you love it too

There's no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isnt someplace that we fall
Its something that we do

[butterflykisses]

"The mistake people make is turning love into an adjective only, describing how they feel about someone and thinking that should be enough. Its a verb, it's about treating someone with respect and if you're loving someone that way and they are not returning it, run the other way. In other words, the beginning of this message was giving him the benefit of understanding he may or may NOT deserve, only you know that. Someone who is really loves you is going to WANT to help you, but only if they're getting the same in return."

Do I ever agree with this. Love is not just how you feel or how much you want or want to be with the other person. It is not just how much you want them to be with and how much you wanted to be wanted by them. Loving a person is doing for and with the person. It is a verb. It is the actions you take. Does your fiance love you in that sense? (and you, him?)

Honestly, my first reaction on hearing your story was that you should wait ten years, come back to this person and see if he has grown up any since then. At least I hope you two will have a long engagement so that you can iron out these things before you commit.

And by the way, you will be able to get the knack of living with diabetes. :)

copy cat, lol. :D :T

[butterflykisses]

Makes me think of the song "It's Something That We Do". Whether you care for Clint Black or not, the words ring true.

don't hear country to often, but that sounds like a great song!

[genie86333]

Hi, Chelsea.

I have to ditto to all of the above as it's all good advice, but also wanted to add one thing.

You said the doctors are trying to get your diabetes under control...and that's a good start - but YOU have to be actively involved too. What are you doing to get your blood sugar under control? First of all, how long have you been diabetic? Have you read the books that members of this forum recommend? Have you spent time browsing the forum enough that you are learning new things (including what books those are?) Do you eat to your meter?

Yes, your fiance *does* need to deal with you having diabetes & he may not be up to that challenge (or willing to face it) & you'll have to make that determintion for yourself. But make sure *you* also do everything you can (educate yourself, apply what you've learned, etc) to avoid the situations that cause problems.

This was apparently only your 2nd post here, so it's possible you're already doing these things, in which case, just say "Check" and move on to the next post. But give it all some real thought...

[shiftzor]

Hi, Chelsea.

I have to ditto to all of the above as it's all good advice, but also wanted to add one thing.

You said the doctors are trying to get your diabetes under control...and that's a good start - but YOU have to be actively involved too. What are you doing to get your blood sugar under control? First of all, how long have you been diabetic? Have you read the books that members of this forum recommend? Have you spent time browsing the forum enough that you are learning new things (including what books those are?) Do you eat to your meter?

Yes, your fiance *does* need to deal with you having diabetes & he may not be up to that challenge (or willing to face it) & you'll have to make that determintion for yourself. But make sure *you* also do everything you can (educate yourself, apply what you've learned, etc) to avoid the situations that cause problems.

This was apparently only your 2nd post here, so it's possible you're already doing these things, in which case, just say "Check" and move on to the next post. But give it all some real thought...

I agree completely but Don't forget to ask more questions, please if you don't understand something then do ask about it. Everyone on this forum will answer questions even if they may seem dumb or stupid. Welcome and I hope you find what your after. ;)

[SuzySushi]

My first reaction was "get a different fiance." Seriously. You need someone who will be there for you in the good times and bad.

My second reaction was: How long have you had diabetes? You said the doctors are trying to help you get it under control. Does your fiance understand diabetes? Has he ever read a book about it, taken a diabetes education class? If you pass out frequently from hypoglycemia, he has to know what to do to help you. And you shouldn't be trying to hide the effects of diabetes from him. If your relationship is built on lies and cover-ups, it won't last.

Sorry to be so blunt, but better that your wake-up call come before you get married than after.

[MiniMoe]

My first reaction was "get a different fiance." Seriously...Sorry to be so blunt, but better that your wake-up call come before you get married than after.


Ditto

(lengthened message to at least 15 characters)

[REDLAN]

I'm sorry to say that I'm somewhat shocked by the answers to this post. Everyone seems to have reacted to the title...

How do I deal with my fiance not understanding?

Which almost universally appeared to be dump him, even when Chelsea answers with

I love him with all my heart and we have been together far too long for me to let this hurt our relationship.

Before we start trying to break up a relationship with only 9 lines to go on, I think perhaps that someone should have seriously considered answering the question that appeared in the post, which was...

What do you guys recommend I do to help him understand.

Help him understand. tricky one this. Help him understand. I thought about this and so I went and asked my wife "Do you understand what it is like for me to have diabetes?" and she said (virtually word for word)

No not fully, I am not a diabetic. I would say you seem very self-involved, but then I guess you need to be. I've just had some cornflakes without thinking about it, but you can't do that.

My wife has known me for many many years. We have had our ups and downs, some of them diabetes related, and that does include some humdinger rows - me bad tempered because I'm not coping with diabetes, me angry because she didn't understand my diabetes, her angry because I did not appreciate the complications it brought in her life because I had diabetes.

I don't believe my wife really does understand what it is like to have diabetes, and her answer shows that she only too well understands how my diabetes affects our life together. I think though that it would be selfish of me to expect her to understand what diabetes is like for me, I don't really see how she can, and I actually don't need her to. What I actually need her to do is to understand what support I need to cope with my diabetes - so yes sometimes I need to appear self-involved. She understands because we have talked about it - I understand some of the ways that diabetes have affected her, because we have talked about it.

Coming back to your original post, my hunch based on just 9 lines is that you are struggling to cope with your diabetes, and your fiance is struggling to cope with you not coping with your diabetes. He isn't giving you the support that you need, and you both are fighting. You say you know that he is scared, and yet you feel he doesn't care, which from an outsider with only 9 lines to go on appears to be a contradiction.

I don't often give advice, but here it is....

Find time to sit down and talk, and tell each other how you are feeling, and what you need from each other. Work it out from there.

[butterflykisses]

I'm sorry to say that I'm somewhat shocked by the answers to this post. Everyone seems to have reacted to the title...



well, not everyone. ;)

[jshuffle]

Invite your fiancee to the forums, let him have a look around and maybe he will understand that the issues involved here are universal and not just weakness on your part. If he had the thought to propose to you, he obviously has love for you; he just cannot understand everything there is to know about diabetes.

If you don't want to invite him here (it is a nice place for diabetics to be diabetics among diabetics), then take him with you to your endocrinologist or dietitian or another form of medical counsel. Personally, I think he is just mis(or un)informed and therefore is not able to understand all the factors related to diabetes.

That said, if you give your full efforts to inform him and he still is unsympathetic about anything related to your D, then sit him down and vent your frustrations upon him. Life isn't a fairy tale, and you can't change your diabetes.

[Morris "Type 1"]

Chelea
How do I deal with my fiance not understanding?


The trick is this:

You need to understand his behaviour to the best of your ability, this includes watching exactly what YOU do and how he reacts in every given situation.

See when someone tells you to smile, they obviously want you to smile. Imagine how tough it is for a non-diabetic, watching the person they love appearing to decline.

Some people are really good at these times and know how to push aside their feelings so that they can get on with what needs to be done - other people don't know how to cope and buckle under the strain.

Also, it can help to be clear on exactly what you want.

'support i need'

Somewhat generic, to a person who is faced with the situation that is nothing like a cut finger or a broken arm, it can be impossible to know what to do.

It's taken me 3 months of being a diabetic to have any idea what it is about, this insight doesn't come with watching someone else.

Set out specific tasks you require from him, talk about potential situations and give him solutions so that he isn't left in the dark and the level of frustration will dramatically decrease.

If you have tried all of this, then you need to get away from him until you have regained your health and if this isn't an option then all of these problems have the potential to completely destroy a relationship.

I don't have the bother of someone on my case about the diabetes, as in, wanting to shut it out - yet I feel depressed sometimes.

I have thoughts that include, I should be dead by now and thank god for the discovery of insulin.

I feel that my old life ended the day I was diagnosed, today I look forward to a bright future, one with health and happiness.

That doesn't stop me from feeling down though from time to time, often times it's directly related to my blood glucose and insulin usage. Yet, sometimes it's quite simply the frustration of having this disease - being a type 1 and knowing that it is really for life.

Communication is really important,

A book you may find interesting, although I doubt it is easy to find, conjoint family therapy - virginia satir.

The key part is that, when we enter a relationship we see things in people that we hold a degree of value to.

For example, your partner sees you as a strong healthy person who he can have a long, healthy and happy life with..

Then suddenly you are ill, vulnerable, potentially unwell and quite unhappy.

This can cause frustration, resentment and a lot of other emotions and provoke wild behaviour.

It is quite likely that consciously he isn't quite aware of why he reacts this way himself, it may require further investigation.

Now just because a person has an initial idea about someone they love, doesn't meant that just because they realise it was inaccurate that it becomes an impossible mountain to climb. Quite simply, once the person understands _why_ they were reacting in that way and know that they can change that outcome, they begin to reconstruct their values and beliefs.

Lets look at it is as doing "updates" on the current relationship.

The main issue is that people will go through life reacting to how they feel, without first noticing why they felt the desire to act in that particular way in the first place and what exactly they were reacting to anyway?

That is often below the threshold of awareness, it is required that a person looks for those things and learn how to act differently than the way they did before - if it was undesirable reaction.

There is a saying a long the lines of, if you want to change the world you must change yourself first. This could not be any more relevant to your situation, your home, is your world and the only way for you to make significant changes is if you adjust how you react and deal with what is coming at you. Also watch the reactions you get with various attempts at solving a problem.

Don't just hide away the diabetes, that is only one possible option/tool.. You need a whole wide selection of them, to be any good at keep your relationship safe.

I have written a lot and haven't got any spare time to read through to check to make sure it is making sense, I hope it is of some interest and of help.

Warm Regards,
Best of Luck
Morris

[Amberyl]

Chelsea,

What really concerns me about your post is your assertion that you aren't comfortable being open with your fiance about the way you feel, and having to be "all smiles when he is there".

Your (future) husband is the person you always want to be able to be 100% open with. You need to be mutually unreserved with one another -- and to learn to support one another even when both of you are feeling down. As long as you can't share your pain, both of you are going to have to suffer it in loneliness, and that's no good for either of you.

I'm also concerned that it sounds like you're dealing with a short-term bad period, and your fiance is unable to be adequately supportive. What will he do when longer bad periods, or more serious issues, surface in the future?

You both need to talk openly and honestly, but your fiance also needs education, especially since he's a vital safety net for you, given your blackouts.

[owlyn]

I have type one diabetes and obvioiusly at times I can feel not so well. The doctors are still trying to get everything balanced so there are days that I cant help but not feel myself...What do you guys recommend I do to help him understand. We are fighting alot because I tend to get snappy about it. And he doesnt seem to care at all about me not feeling up to my normal standards. He even sometimes gets agitated at me when I feel bad....

Redlan has pretty much hit the nail on the head, though my first reaction was to lean toward the "get a new fiance" side of the fence, for the reasons everyone has stated. You can always send him around here and we can smack him upside his head. :D

[tiffanyfaith86]

Thanks everyone! Its just really tough right now. I have been up and down with this lately. It has triggered quite a few blackouts within the past week or so. I love him with all my heart and we have been together far too long for me to let this hurt our relationship. But it makes every day a battle. A battle with my sickness and with trying to hide the effects from him. I know he is scared (having been with me on one occasion when I passed out) I just have had a hard time with not getting the support I need. We live together and have for some time now and its hard to be all smiles when he is there when I feel down too.

he really needs to help you not be afraid of it, and you SHOULD NOT have to hide anything from him. My brother is with a girl whose shoulder pops out of the socket alot, and he helps her put it back in. Thats real love for him to help her not be like get away with that. So you really need to question him or slap some sense into him.