Okay...

[Delphinus]

Normally I would keep this to myself. It may help to talk.

Monday night around midnight I took just under 300 units of rapids and regular insulin.

Everything just came to a head all at once, I don't remember doing it, or what the exact trigger was even.

My brother heard me seizing and dry heaving and called 911.

Altho I did want to succeed and did not want to be discovered, there was something on my side that night.

The bulk of the insulin formed in pockets and released slowly over a period of 10 hours.

I was put on a glucose drip, and monitored for most of the day

Next time I'll know better, multiple doses, sheesh. Kidding! :D

Humor is how I deal... It works. So sorry.

Call me what you like, or think what you like... I wasn't exactly thinking rationally, so please keep that in mind if you want to call me a coward, a quitter, etc.

[foxl]

Thank God you are okay.

I hope you can find the help you need to deal with this. I am so sorry you felt like doing this. It saddens me to think things are that painful for you, you are such a kind, generous guy!

hugs!!!

I think you are actually courageous, and thank you for posting about it.

[Delphinus]

For the record, I don't want this to be an attention call.

I just want to get it out.

Please, don't swamp me with too many PMs either. I am so slack getting back. :p

[jillrapp]

Jason,
Did they know at the hospital that it was not an accident? Maybe someone should know, so you can get some Real help.

[RWright]

I am so sorry that you felt so low to do this, but so very glad that your brother found you! I know it is a hard condition to deal with...Don't you have a daughter? If you had suceeded, just think how devastated she would have been. I lost my Dad 1 year ago next month, and I'm still not over it.

[gettingby]

Jas, I'm so glad that you are ok. And you know me too well to even think I would brand you a coward or anything. Please get help though.

*hugs* and I love ya buddy. Hang in there. You know you can always find me here or Yahoo.

[Moonglo]

Oh, Jason...

I could never think of you as a coward. I have been looking up to you as a source of strength for the past 2 months and will continue to do so. So you've had a few obstacles that have thrown you a curve ball and got caught in the heat of a moment... who hasn't? Not saying everyone has attempted suicide, so others' impulsive actions may be on a smaller scale, but still. Everyone, even the most cautious of people, make some pretty quick decisions when their emotions get the better of them. We're human. It happens.

I'm so glad you're still here, and I know others are too. You have no idea how much we all love you. Thanks for sharing your ups and downs with us, and I hope you feel just how not alone you really are.

*hugs*

[Granny Shanny]

Jason, you're a courageous man for getting it out. You're also very loved here, and it causes us pain just knowing the great pain you are suffering.

Whatever diabetes does to our physical bodies, mental anguish is worse. Please PLEASE consider seeing a doc who can help you sort out your thoughts & feelings. It truly does work - it's worked for me & my DH.

And yes - humor works! Now just keep on keepin' on.

[Subby]

Jason, I'm thinking along Jill's lines. Do you have a connection and access to a counselor, not as in "shrink" but as in someone who can really help you talk it out and make some sense and progress? I do not believe forums are really that safe when it gets to this kind of stage apart from people being supportive (which is incredibly important too). That's not to say you shouldn't share - at all. I just think you should consider sorting things out with someone who knows what they are doing and without the likely drama that occurs from "many voices".

Stay well. It sounds like you have had the wake-up call of your life. I hope you heed the call and break some issues down in privacy with someone supportive and knowledgeable.

[jillrapp]

I'm with Subby, Jason. I know you have felt this way before, many times... you need help from someone standing next to you, that knows when you need a hug and when you need it, tough love. Support from voices here will only get you so far.. today... will not help you through many tomorrows. xo

[Moonglo]

I know I've already posted in this thread, BUT...

I have to agree with everyone else about seeing a professional about this, Jason. What I wasn't going to share earlier and have decided to go ahead and say is that I have been suicidal before and was a cutter in high school. If I had not stumbled on a great counselor in college who was able to help me sort things out, who knows what would have happened? And going to counseling doesn't make you crazy. None of us is as strong as all of us, and none of us go through life without ever needing someone else's help.

[Joeprep4820]

Did you do this because you are fed up with Diabetes or because of something else that is bothering you?

[foxl]

Started to post my "ditto" to Subby's and glad others agree.

Subby always gives terrific and practical advice!

[joshbrady]

My best friend, also type 1 diabetic, died last year from an untreated cause of hypoglycemia. Living alone and late at night, he tried to get help, so he stumbled outside in the cold. A neighbor found him dead on her front porch the next morning.

Get help if you need coping. Some people, like my best friend, loved life and I know he didn't want to go like that. It is so unfair.

[Russell A.]

Jason:

If you are confident enough to share this with us,(and I am glad you did) you sound like you are in a state that you can deal and get help.

I wish you luck with working your way through it.

Russell

[plattb1]

Jason, I don't know what to say that others haven't said more eloquently. You are a beacon for many of us. We need you!

Please don't take an irrevocable action to address a transient state of mind. If nothing else, think how pi***ed off you would be if something great happened the day after & you weren't around to celebrate!

Seriously, use humor or whatever tools or techniques you need to get through each day & begin to look forward to new days.

Love you, guy!

[Granny Shanny]

Subby's so right that it doesn't have to be a "shrink". The professionals who helped us most were NOT psychiatrists . . . in fact, we ran far & fast from two psychiatrists we were ever referred to. But over 20 years we had three different psychologists, and all were understanding & extremely helpful. In the last 10 years DH has come back from a psychotic break; he's finally comfortable in his own skin and better than ever.

[Delphinus]

I'll try to get to each of you after I eat.


But to answer some of your questions.... In NS when someone does something like this, they cover all bases. A psychiatrist is offered to me, but I was seeing a psychologist anyway.

When I got home, a crisis unit called, and wouldn't talk to anyone who answered unless they asked and confirmed it was me (Discretion) and later in the evening, the police dropped in to do a "well being" check.

I'll be back. :T

[reefedjib]

I'm glad you are surviving for now. Please stop trying to kill yourself. It is not a good solution to what ails you. Their are better solutions. We don't want to lose you.

[Granny Shanny]

later in the evening, the police dropped in to do a "well being" check. I'll be back. :T

Oh geez . . . I'd forgotten that part! :o Yep - same here - right after DH's psychotic break, we were paid a call by a coupla sheriff's deputies (we're rural - outside city limits), just checkin'. DH made mention of his firearms, so the deputies asked if he wanted them to take custody of those temporarily, and he agreed. Several months later we dropped by the Sheriff's office & reclaimed 'em.

[yannah]

Jason,


I am not going to send you a PM at your request. these feelings are not new to me. if you want to call PM me. I can do all the talking, say, about stupid **** really and not even ask any questions. you may have noticed, I am good at this type of converstion. may be helpful..

I know it does not feel like it, but I think this is really really really going to pass, so stop it.

[Annabell1959]

Next time I'll know better, multiple doses, sheesh. Kidding! :D



Jason,
Glad to see your sense of humor is intact. What can I do to help?

...Not with your sense of humor...cr@p...you know what I mean!

[KimberlyType1]

You were lucky you survived you need to get help asap. Get off the computer and check into the hospital. You lost it once and tried to end it, you have no way of knowing if it will happen again. You need to be watched and helped. If not for ypurself then for the people that love you. Suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can do, I am sure there are many people that would have broken hearts if you died. Please get help, you can just walk into an ER and tell them you tried to kill yourself. I am glad your brother was there, but can't imagaine seeing someone I love like that. Your in my prayers.

[lark 27]

Jason,

I just want to chime in with my support and well wishes. I'm so glad that you were unsuccessful with your attempt. I'm one of the many who has definitely benefitted from reading many of your posts.

I'm definitely feeling that I'd like to help you, but really I'm unable to adequately do that via a forum. I'm glad to hear that NS has apparently some good follow up supports in place, and I hope that you are taking full advantage. I'm also glad that you have the courage to post this and are open to communicating about this.

Here's some questions that I'd have for you and most importantly that I hope you discuss with your family/friends/professionals. You don't have to answer me personally but I hope you're thinking about and working on these things.

Do you feel safe being at home now?
What are you changing/have you changed since your attempt?
Have you promised to at least talk to someone if suicidal thoughts return? Even if you have a sudden rush of feelings that makes you think about doing something, it's important to program yourself that you'll at least talk to someone before acting.
have you let others know what they can do for you to help?

wishing you wellness,
Erik

[shiftzor]

I was sitting at this computer feeling a bit down, however after reading this thread I realised how much we actually have to live for. I think every post on this thread is a reason why you Jason should continue life. Actually caring speaks louder than any words can. Listen to your positive feelings, you can and will get through this.

Its rare that I agree with every reply on a thread but this is one of those times.

[sable_032592]

back in november '99, i went into DKA (i was over 55 / 990, the meter couldn't read higher than that)... i was in a coma for 3 days, and when i woke up, the ER doctor told me that i was under suicide watch because they thought i had tried to kill myself... turns out it was that diet i was on, combined with never putting my insulin in the fridge, both using and unused, so my humalog and humulin n wasn't good anymore...

anyway, i was checked out by a psychiatrist in the ER and sent to the psych ward for a little over a week, to be "observed"... i have to admit, there were times before and after that episode that i did think about doing it, but i've never actually tried it, being that i'm too scared to die...

having this disease caused serious health and mental problems... the doctors who simply treat the blood sugar levels and other various blood test type things are missing the bigger picture... i've never done a study of this or even seen a study about this, but i'm sure over 75% of all diabetics suffer from some form of depression and/or anxiety...

frankly jason, it sounds like you're hit rock bottom and can only go up from here... i hope... there are so many things being discovered out there, not just health wise, but things like new technologies, amazing new movies, singers, etc... i sometimes think about all the things that came out in the past 10 years, all the things i've done, seen and places i've gone, all the fun i've had, my nieces and nephews that were born, the people i've met, this board even... i cringe at possibly having missed these things...

i hope things get better for you real soon... we're here tohelp!

[foxl]

You know, sable brought up something I totally relate to: the reluctance / resentment to miss everything new and cool and exciting that is going to happen after I die.

I actually quit reading SF for a while, once, because I realized it was about stuff I would never get to see, LOL!

[ant hill]

Humor is how I deal... It works. So sorry.

Call me what you like, or think what you like... I wasn't exactly thinking rationally, so please keep that in mind if you want to call me a coward, a quitter, etc.

Jason, You are learning and for the humor is a good way to deal with this disease. You also have a great sensitivity to insulin where as I don't and you get that well over time. I can take 10U and that will not affect me as you will.
For you I would think, You see food, Inject!! and eat. So Jayson, Have you properly rebooted. :T:D

[xMenace]

You know Jason there's probably not a type 1 anywhere that doesn't at least intellectually consider this. You are not alone in your struggles!

[gettingby]

You know Jason there's probably not a type 1 anywhere that doesn't at least intellectually consider this. You are not alone in your struggles!
John, you are 100% correct.

Jason, there are people here who love you. The replies to this thread reinforce that. Like I said in my other post, hang in there buddy. Remember you promised we would fight the depression demon together. :)

*hugs*

[lorilei]

jas..u know where i stand..u r all valued.

[e||ement]

jason, i just read this now.

i don't know what to say except i'm relieved you are here. please find someone to talk to... i hope you can find some semblance of peace during this time of turmoil....

xo.

[Ti-Jae]

I'm glad you were able to share, and I hope you are able to find someone to help you work through things and gain a different perspective on the situation. I don't think we've interacted directly on the forums before, but I have noticed your posts while lurking about and am always interested in what you have to say. You would certainly be missed.

[soso]

Hang in there man... I know it is so **** sometimes, but the good times (when they come-and they will) make it all worthwhile...

[Mom22weewuns]

I'm very thankful you are ok. I echo everyone else, please find someone to talk to. I will be brutally honest with you. I was not much older than your daughter is now when my dad died of cancer. I was devastated. 26 years later, the hurt is still there. I wonder so many things, like would he be proud of me, would he like the "grown up" me? I beg of you, please don't let your daughter have to wonder.

Stay safe, be well. My prayers are with you.

Ellie

[genie86333]

Jason,

I also am very thankful you're ok.

Please talk to someone if you start feeling even a hint of that way again.

We'd miss you...and your daughter would too. The loss of a parent is something she'd feel for the rest of her life. I lost my mom when I was young & I'm still not over it, even though I have a son who will be an adult himself in just 13 months. At least I can say I know my mom did everything she could to fight to stay with me as long as she was able to...let your daughter know she means that much to you too.

[AngelKitty]

Jas - I just had my one year D-versary on the weekend and it really did my head in - like XMenace said, it goes through our minds at one time or another.
It's entirely a different matter again to act on it.
Glad your brother found you and glad you are getting some help. :cool:

Now, I know you posted somewhere that you like pain, but for goodness sake please stop playing with your syringes! :eek: :T

Don't ever lose your sense of humour, if you do I'll fly over there and kick your butt! :D

[ant hill]

Don't ever lose your sense of humour, if you do I'll fly over there and kick your butt! :D

Oi Take me with you as I will kick his touch too. :D AngelKitty, He's learning like you and great successes don't just happen this soon. Guys take a grip on this disease and understand it. Get to know where you are BG wise and have an understanding on I:C ratios. Exercise is a must to do!!! Learn about food and have knowledge about carbohydrates. I don't want to make you sound like dead beats in the rolacoaster of life, But take the bull by the horns and understand. ;):)

[Tattoo azz]

Jason, go see a counsellor. I've used 'em before and they are great. You have a little girl, go and hug her as much as possible.
It's quite a surprise to agree with everyone on a thread. Hang in there Jason, you would be greatly missed.
If there is a butt kicking flight can it stop at Heathrow to pick me up? :D

[beast775]

if this has to do with diabetes you can give me a call.perhaps go out and get some trailer park boys dvds for humours sake?i will pm you my phone number.:D

[AngelKitty]

Don't ever lose your sense of humour, if you do I'll fly over there and kick your butt! :D

Oi Take me with you as I will kick his touch too. :D AngelKitty


If there is a butt kicking flight can it stop at Heathrow to pick me up? :D

Looks like we may just have to charter a special "butt kicking flight"!!!!! :D All aboard!

[davef]

Jason,

As I have told you a close friend of mine has been to the same brink you visited and thankfully you both came back from the brink.

You can see from all the posts here that this community cares about you and that you can rely on the good people here to give you support through this very hard time and into the healthier future that lies out there in front of you.

But that is simply not enough, you MUST avail of the counselling services offered to you. If you have not all ready been in contact with your Phycologist then do that NOW and get to see them immediately. You need help to regain your health, we can and will give you support, but none of us (that I am aware of) are qualified to help you with your mental health, so you need to get that help.

I know people were joking, so this is no slight on them at all, but I know that a butt kicking is not going to help you as it really is not that simple - I know this from my friend.

The feelings you have had are very real, you need to get the help to learn how to deal with those feelings and then move forward.

I agree, you daughter and wife need you, and would miss you, right now that may or may not help you - don't be upset if the thought of that is not important right now, work on healing and that thought will become important.

Aside from offering you support, urging you to seek and accept any counselling you can get, all I can suggest is walking - my friend tells me that when she walks regularly that it helps her depression, I don't know why and I can't say it will help you, but it might be worth a try.

Remember you are suffering a real illness, there is no shame in that and like any illness it needs professional treatment coupled with time to heal.

Take care and be well,

[matingara]

hey Jason! glad you are here! this is the first i have heard of your experiences and i am glad that you are OK!

i haved always loved your sense of humor and you are one of the few who "understands" mine!

be well.

:)

-- Joel.

[TommyC1]

J,
Been there but I ain't done that. Could be I'm chicken. Could be I got things to do yet. Anyway you just convinced me that insulin ain't the way to try.
It's surely not for me to tell you when to live or die.
But I will tell you I'd miss having you around here. Yeah it wouldn't be as good without you.

Tommy

[strack350]

WOW man, I glad your still around to tell the tale of the trip to the darkside of this illness:) But you need to remember that people out there do love and need you more than you'll ever know. Also, when I get down and out, I turn into the most optimistic person you have ever met, and always think "it can always get worse" works for me, as I look around the world and see others that have it far, far worse than I do. I hope you find the support you need to get over this, I'm sure you know you have that support here;)

[foxl]

I have a depression-prone friend who decided that knowing she could commit suicide, if things got difficult, became a source of great relief to her -- in fact it was what helped her move forward. She thought it was a rather odd reaction, somewhat paradoxical, and so do I, and yet I understand that, too.

She was not impulsive enough to try -- just took comfort from the thought. I wonder if impulse control might play a thera peutic role for you (since I deal with impulse control issues, in one of my kids)?

[princesslinda]

Jason, i'm so very sorry for all you're going through right now. I do hope you can talk with a qualified professional who can help you work through some things soon. Life is so precious, and very short, even if we are fortunate to live into our 80's.

I have to say i'm a bit surprised and dismayed that the hospital didn't step in and get you all the help you needed while you were there.

I would have hoped/assumed that trained medical professionals would have delved a little deeper into why someone would have taken so much insulin in the first place and have asked questions later after the immediate crisis had passed on as to your state of mind at the time. I would have thought a full psychiatric evaluation would have been an appropriate response at the time.

I hate sticking myself to begin with, and just the thought of your giving yourself all those shots that it would have taken to get that much insulin into your body....I hurt for you.:(

As you can see, you have a lot of support here on DF. Depression isn't something to take lightly. For all of those that you love and who love you, please do talk to someone who can help you.

[Delphinus]

Wow!

Thank you all.. You are amazing.

Thank you for the private messages as well. I know I didn't ask for them, but thank you so much.

I am going to get back to you all as well.

Some of you really opened up, and I got so much out of them, and a better view of who some of you are.

[Evermont]

A friendly suggestion: Make some goals. I doesn't matter what they are - just make them. Maybe one each, long term, mid and short term to start with. Write them down - that's important. Make a plan to achieve each goal. Work on it.

[DanG]

Some of you really opened up, and I got so much out of them, and a better view of who some of you are.

Okay, Jason - I see no humor in this posting... I am beginning to get worried.

Thanks for the comeback, and be sure to keep up the humor - humor is a wonderful thing to enjoy and use. Back at ya.

[Delphinus]

My numbers have been so out of whack since being put on the drip.

Since Tuesday morning, I haven't had a reading lower them 10.8 mmol/L(Just got that now).

Prior to this reading, all were 11.8 and higher.

I am making corrections galore and being VERY liberal with my bolusing, and even limiting my carbs. That in itself is a small miracle.

Has anyone ever been on a glucose IV drip and had similar problems for days?

Maybe I don't have any blood now, and it's just sugar in my veins. :eek:

It's very frustrating, and yes, I have nobody to blame but me, I realize this. Just looking for some input. :D

I have also felt very nauseated off and on since.

[alicat61]

You know Jason there's probably not a type 1 anywhere that doesn't at least intellectually consider this. You are not alone in your struggles!

:) Hi,
So true John,
Jason you are very brave for posting this and I'm pleased you did for yourself and for others to see .
You have been offered a lot of good advice

[mortis505]

From one Jason to another.

I do not feel that you are a coward, or a quitter. I do however encourage you to seek out someone, anyone that you can talk to. Ive had a few very dark days myself and have the scars to prove it.

You had a setback, and you got very lucky that someone who cares about you was there. I can only ask that you try to keep fighting every single day. remember the things that make you happy, and think about your impact on those things.

You can always turn to us here at DF.

Virtual hugs from one D brother to another, from halfway across the globe.

[gettingby]

Jas, I have shared more with you about my depression and my D life than I have with probably anyone else, family included. I am so proud of you for coming out and sharing with us. You know that we all care about you and what happens to you. I know how hard it all is. Just let us help you. And as I stated before, you know I would never think of you as a quitter or a coward. And yes, I broke your golden rule and PMed you but you know what..............:T . You know you can't be mad at me. :D

*hugs* buddy.

[mell1682]

I do not think of you as a coward or a quitter...not even in the slightest. I agree with what John said in that there are more than a few of us who have been exactly where you are and my heart hurts for you because that feeling is the worst. I have no advice other than that it really does help to talk about it...this is something I've learned the hard way but I'm glad I did. I have to say reading everyone's responses made me tear up and I hope you feel that love and that you know you're not alone and please don't ever forget that.

[Delphinus]

I did mention I was doing okay a few posts after my initial one, but was kind of vague...

I want to make a post that all is well, and I am taking care of myself and I have been talking to people and opening up and getting things out.

[gettingby]

I did mention I was doing okay a few posts after my initial one, but was kind of vague...

I want to make a post that all is well, and I am taking care of myself and I have been talking to people and opening up and getting things out.

That's great bonehead. LOL. :D :D

[GeishaGirl]

I haven't read most of the other responses, but I wanted to respond myself.

I can't call you a coward -- I've been suicidal at various points in my life, long before I got hit with the big D. I still get those urges now and again, during times of really extreme emotion or stress. And knowing I've got a potentially lethal dose of insulin strapped to my hip is, as foxl wrote, actually quite calming. Knowing I have the option, oddly, makes me want it less.

But one of my students committed suicide just a few days ago. One of my 14-year-old babies. The school year has barely started, so I didn't know her well, but I've been spending the last 36 hours swinging between sadness and absolute rage over the circumstances of her death. I don't blame her, not in the traditional sense. Something was wrong, something I obviously knew nothing about, I'm enraged at the people who were supposed to be caring for her (she was in a hospital on suicide watch because she went willingly to get help, was LEFT ALONE on this watch for half an hour). I'm feeling all these intense emotions, and I barely knew the girl! I can't even comprehend what her mother, or her little sister, is going through.

I know it's so so hard to feel trapped in your own life. It's a kind of limbo-purgatory and it sucks. I really really hope you can get your help so you can find your way out of the fog, Jason.

[notme]

I did mention I was doing okay a few posts after my initial one, but was kind of vague...

I want to make a post that all is well, and I am taking care of myself and I have been talking to people and opening up and getting things out.


I think this thread has run its course.

I am happy you are doing better Jason. Please keep up with the help you are getting and talking with your friends on DF. :)