New Guy and need help with Type 1 GF

[beo2]

Hey everybody, my name is Brian and I've been living with my Type 1 gf for about three years now.

We've had discussions about her checking better, and she has tried. But she averages about twice a day. She hasn't seen her Endo in about a year because she knows it's just going to be bad news about her a1c. I've been on her about seeing her Endo and checking better, but she keeps delaying.

The problem is that I'm thinking about proposing to her on Xmas and I just feel like I can't if she doesn't want to keep healthy (she knows about proposing on Xmas, she says we have to get going because of our age and her diabetes). She never entertained the idea of kids until me, because she didn't/doesn’t expect to live long and she deals with depression because of this.

I love her and feel she deserves to have a happy life with me, but I work in a hospital and know the potential horrific consequences that come with this in due time of being an out of control diabetic. We are both 31 and never have been married. And I feel if I give up on her and leave it could be the final straw because of recent failures on her trying to get into Med School, and her current job using her while not paying her properly. But on the other hand, she hasn't used our relationship (her first successful one) to want to find the will to stay healthy for a long term future.

I know depression and hopelessness isn't her fault, but what the heck do I do!

Sorry to unload, I just have no where else to go.: (

[plattb1]

There's very little YOU can do ... SHE has to do it! And, she has to want to do it first.

Putting off seeing the endo is just denial. She has to get over that & do what has to be done.

Continue to encourage her as much as you can. If you already live together, you already have a commitment. Taking the relationship to the next level may require her to step up.

[jenb]

Hi NewGuy. You sound like a really caring person.

I agree with Barrie - your girlfriend has to do the work, you can't. Perhaps she can join DF herself and we can help put her diabetes in perspective. Let her know we're here if she wants some assistance.

Jen

[alrock]

I was in denial about my diabetes for a long time too so I know how she feels. But she really needs to be the one to decide to take control for herself. You won't be able to do it for her. She needs to see her endo though in order to get the tools to start managing it. Eventually the bad news can become good news :)

And btw... she thinks she is not going to live long - but she can if she gets her diabetes in control. Mary Tyler Moore is Type 1 and she's like in her 70s I think.

[inkvisitor]

I would continue to encourage her checking more often and also keeping an eye on how much carbs she's taking in. I'm not sure of her regimen, but I assume she doesn't count them or have a strong idea of what her insulin to carb ratio is?

Do you cook much? Or together? Maybe a small start could be to make things that you know the nutritional data for - it takes more testing, but better control starts with knowing what her BS is and how much insulin to take for what she's consuming.

I know it must be frustrating for you!

[Granny Shanny]

Welcome to DF, Brian. As has already been said, she will have to want to do this, just like people quitting smoking or excessive drinking - they have to want to get healthy.

But something that might help a little here is attending to her depression. If she isn't being treated for it, that sort of explains the "what's the use?" attitude. If she IS already being treated for it, maybe she needs to talk with her provider & see why she doesn't feel better. There are lots of causes of depression, and there may be more to this than just her fatalistic attitude.

Sending prayers & positive thoughts for both of you.

[Subby]

Brian, I can understand your current conundrum, I really can. Here are a few thoughts from me.

When does she test when she does test? (What times of day, certain events).

A year since last endo visit, is not all that bad, in that it could be 3 or 4 or never. I'm not saying it's good, just that it might indicate things went wrong/changed. (Hey, some people may virtually never go). What was the history of doctors/testing?

High BGs contribute to depression and motivational issues - or so I have found strongly over the years. Add to that avoidance, this likely is a viscious cycle. While I agree that she has to want to do it herself, I think it's reasonable for you to try and find a way to break through the status quo to that first step, if you wish. The first step would be getting fully checked out and facing the situation. In all likelyhood there are no issues: if there are, facing it now is 1,000 times better than ignoring it (as you attest).

I don't know how high A1cs she is talking, but she needs to stop worrying about A1c performance anxiety. You can change your A1c very quickly, within a few months. As people with a lot to follow to improve BG and A1c, I think perfectionism or normal judgementalism usually only seizes us up. Whatever her A1c is, the first thought should be "right, that is what it is, so what. But I'm just going to make the next one better, not worse". I detect your GF might have already garnered this kind of attitude previously. So there might be something to return to somewhat.

Some years ago. I hadn't been to an endo for probably 3 years. I worried about the effects of my high BGs and how I was destined for an early grave (I tested a lot, but always had difficulty anyway). Over about 8 years of feeling this way, feeling that my hopelessly unstable BGs were dragging the complications in on a string, I ceased to see myself exist beyond a maybe half a year away. I could not plan. I could not feel positive about any long term idea - which encompassed "me".

This was the history I had had as I was lying in bed, in excruciating pains from my kidneys, as I had for the last few months. I knew my kidneys were a goner - why else would they scream at me? I resisted in every way seeing a doctor. But finally, it goaded me into seeing my GP (PCP?) about them.

This doctor was the key for my recovery of equilibrium. A gentle lady, she didn't make a fuss, didn't treat me as a bad diabetic, didn't try and scare me - she just said, "They're probably dehydrated" and wrote me a script to get blood tests to double check. She was right, they were just dehydrated, and on seeing the test results as normal - such stark contrast with my imagination - I had a first reality check in my head about where I was going with all this. I asked her if we could test the rest out, A1c included. She did, and it was not good, but not as bad as I imagined. This was all like getting up on the side rails of a tram instead of dragged behind in the dirt. It probably took me 6 months to a year to get back on my feet fully. And a large part of that was mechanically making my BG better so that it didn't stuff with my brain so much. It was not at all just psychological.

I guess the point of my story is that there are people who have gone through similar denial/psyche issues that your gf is going through. I guess my main suggestion based on my experience, is see if she can meet the issues halfway, with a friendly, no judgemental GP or PCP. Break the prison of not knowing what is going on.

[Jimbo205]

Subby, ......wow. That is amazing. You and that gentle M.D. are both amazing.

Brian, did you ask your gf if you could go with her?

[xMenace]

One of the keys for me was joing DF. The people here are fully supportive of these things because we all go through them. There's no guilt allowed here. Whenever I test now, I feel like I have a thousand people patting me on the back.

Encourage her to get online! There are many options besides here.

[lorilei]

wow Brian..what an awesome boyfriend you are to care so much...good luck! I hope for her own sake that your girlfriend becomes a bit more proactive so that she can enjoy a long, complication free life with some one who has her best interests at heart.

[TommyC1]

You might encourage her to shrug off the emotional response to bad numbers. It can be hard but if she thinks of her test results more like a thermometer than as a reflection on herself then she can start working on the day to day task of getting and maintaining control. If it's cold you don't get depressed you put on warmer clothes.

If she is not matching her insulin to her carbs and taking correction doses of insulin when she is high, then learning how to do that will give her the tools to work with the numbers her meter gives her. Books like "Think Like a Pancreas" or "Using Insulin" are good for learning how to best use those tools. Having the tools and knowlege to take control is empowering. It feels good.

There's good Drs. and bad Drs. If her's is not up on current treatments or not willing or able to help her move forward. I'd encourage her to look for one who is.

Diabetes is a "one day at a time" condition. Some days we do better than others. Sometimes the reasons are obvious. Sometimes the reasons are a mystery. One day at a time means you just have to keep working at it. You fall off the horse. You climb back on. Control slips away you keep working to get it back.

For me this forum helps an awful lot. Being able to talk to folks who are dealing with the same stuff I am is a huge relief. I don't feel nearly as isolated as I did before I found it. I've learned more here than I have anywhere else.

[beo2]

Thank you all for your responses!

My gf is very knowledgeable about her diabetes. When she doing really well, she keeps a little food diary book and keeps her self checked up on at least 5 or 6 times a day, but it hasn't been like that for years. I think what really changed that was that she was doing so good, and then she had over vascularization in her retina and needed a few laser treatments. That sent her down a spiral, because her doctor told her straight out that she was going to loose her sight (bad doctor), but her endo helped her out and gave her hope and the treatment has worked and she is fine. But I think she views that time where she was doing so well as somehow connected to the over vascularization of her retina, so I think doing better with her BG scares her.

Food wise, she's really good and knowledgeable, and has a regiment of bags of frozen broccoli that she loves eat when she really wants to fill up. I do most of the cooking and we keep it healthy and lean with a lot of fish, chicken and veggies. I think she checks her BG at work twice a day when she eats at work, (she usually doesn't have breakfast at home) and then I usually get her to test one last time before bed, and make sure she does her lantis.

Her last check up with her endo her a1c wasn't that great, and I know it's not a big deal. Her depression is tough, because she likes to be able to retreat into her "cave" and I can understand that. But, it worries me in regards to having kids and being a team.

I'm afraid that things will go wrong, and I'll resent her for not trying hard enough. I'm just so afraid, and she knows this. But I can only push so much, and then the rest is left to hope. And that hope doesn't feel promising to me. I believe in loving someone whole, faults and all. But when the faults mean killing yourself.... this is the first time I've dealt with this decision to love someone even though they are possibly killing themselves.

Because, I believe that my GF deserves to be loved regardless of if she has diabetes or not. But, I'm confronted with these mixed emotions about how crushed I'll be if things go down hill with her health and I'll feel like saying, "How MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU TO TRY HARDER FOR US!"

But, I think of that possible moment. And I think, "how could I say that to her?" I want to hug her in that moment, and let her know I'm there for her when the worst possible time that she's been expecting, has come to fruition.

I don't know what to do. I'm a coward if I leave her, and if I stay I feel like I don't know what the future holds for her and her health, and then throw marriage on top of that!

I would love for her to join this forum, but she's an extremely private person. She would sooo benefit from some support! But, that's not who she is. I will ask, but I doubt it. Plus, she'd kill me if she knew what I was talking to you guys about right know if she knew! We do talk openly, but this stuff usually turns into way to much emotions so that we end up fighting and saying, "alright, lets hold off on all this and get back to it another time." But, I feel like we're running out of time to talk about this. Uhg! I feel so lost and alone, and I'm sure she probably feels the same way.

[Subby]

Beo, I think this is the kind of thing many people ask themselves when considering long term commitment with another person. It doesn't need to be about diabetes - it could be, can they be sensible with money? Will they be good parents? Do they take care of themselves? Will their drinking turn into alcoholism? Will they take up gambling?

But it's true that the diabetes stick out as a particular risk, a particular trial, a particular issue that you would want to feel reassured is being dealt with, if not perfectly, then at least reasonably. And I think you have a great grasp that keeping up to date with A1c and facing it, is an essential part of that. Essential. I can't advice you on these issues that are tearing your hair out, except for two things. One, I would not marry a type 1 who does not get A1c at least every 6 months, or who is quick smart to catch up if they fall behind. (Yes, they could probably change my mind, if we talked about it and they took that responsibility, and committed to at least try and try again even if issues persisted). Two, I think you need to relax on the marriage soon thing, put it off for a few months or however long it might take to see if she does lift her game, and I think you need to try and talk to her again. There is no other way but to talk. If she cares for you she WILL talk, and while I would not expect or see desirable that she starts doing things for you, I would want to see some concession that your fears or concerns are valid, and make some real effort to meet them in some way or to some degree. If no talk and no efforts to meet some basic needs, I would really wonder just how committed the other person is to the relationship and the future.

[Jan B]

I think what you just wrote would actually be good for your GF to read. I can't see for a second, anything you have done or said in an unloving way.

I often wonder how much my husband really thought about all that you are going through. I thank him every day for choosing to be with me through thick and thin. However, YOU need to be honest with yourself, and do NOT go against your own knowledge and intuition.

I am definitely one to go in my own cave of depression. When I'm down, I don't usually want to share it. I want to be left alone with my own thoughts. However, this forum has been very, very good for me. You can fully relate without intrusion into your personal life. I sure hope your GF comes by.

Cheers to YOU for coming here.

[jenb]

I would love for her to join this forum, but she's an extremely private person. She would sooo benefit from some support! But, that's not who she is.

It's very easy to think that we are alone with diabetes and to struggle in silence. Sometimes asking for help feels like such weakness.

I lurked around DF for weeks before finally posting a little "hello". The welcome was so warm! It took a few more weeks before I felt comfortable posting, but it has been a real life raft for me. I hope you can convince your GF to take a look. Even if she is not comfortable joining in the fray, perhaps just reading others' comments will give her a boost.

Thank you, beo, for posting about your fears. I'm certain that many of our partners share them but are not able to give voice to them. I wonder if some counseling might help the two of you to communicate more effectively about the challenges you're facing - you know...someone to sort of moderate the discussion so it doesn't devolve into argument.

I really wish you the best. Your GF is a lucky, lucky person.

Jen

[beo2]

Thank you Jan and Jen B, and Subby. I really actually feel sad and weak because I have these fears. I wish I was more of a man to let her do what she wants and love her no matter what, or how short the time. I wish I was more like Jan B's husband.:(

I've asked if she would like to do counseling, and I've already seen a therapist about it myself (didn't really help). She's hesitant about doing counseling, but not against it but I'm sure she feels the focus will be on her. I don't blame her for not looking forward to that.

The marriage thing does make it a lot more stressful, but she knows that at 31, we've gotta get going for a chance at a healthy pregnancy a few or more years down the road (at least that's how she sees it, and she's probably right).

I will talk to her more when the time is right (soon), but I know she feels I overanalyze things, and in this respect I think it has cheapened the future act of proposing to her because of all the talk and fear. I want it to be special for her, but because of all my talk and worry a little piece of her probably feels like, "Well run and get out of this then if you’re so worried!" It's so tough and complicated, and you guys have really helped simplify it a little bit.

I thank you guys for that. Wish me luck!:)

[Jan B]

My husband is great, but I am the one who takes care of myself. He's great support for me making my own decisions, and has never had to, or felt the need to encourage me to take better care of myself. He lets me run me, but to be honest, I wouldn't mind if he was a bit more like you!

Also, we did not have the pressure of having healthy children -- I know that's potentially a BIG one for you.

Please don't feel bad -- this is YOUR life too!

[Jan B]

P.S. Loving is action, and often involves the person you love not being happy with you! Silly little example - a kid playing sand castles in the middle of the street. You love him; you tick him off by dragging him out of the street.

[beo2]

Thanks Jan B. Did you and your husband just decide to not have children? I'm not really concerned about having a type 1 child as much as I am about complications for her (getting off her antidepresent meds, and the risks involved).

And thanks for appreciating how much I care. But, I hung myself a couple years back when she asked if I would still want a long term relationship if she couldn't or didn't want to have kids. My answer took too long and it hurt her dearly. I do want a family, and she now feels I want that more than I want her. It makes me feel horrible, because I do love her with all my heart and can see her being the one. I just hope I'm not making her feel like she has to have kids to keep me. That's not right, and it's something we have to talk about as well.

She's said in the past that she would stay with me if I was sterile, but I feel it's easy for her to say because she never really wanted kids until she met me anyways. But, I don't know if that's fair to say either.

Thank you for responding back to me and listening. It helps so much and please continue being there guys. I need you!

[dbaratta]

And btw... she thinks she is not going to live long - but she can if she gets her diabetes in control. Mary Tyler Moore is Type 1 and she's like in her 70s I think.

Funny you mention Mary Tyler Moore because I watched her on Oprah. he is up there in age, been diabetic since in her 30's and did not take care of it very well at all and is legally blind. She was voicing her regrets about not taking care of her diabetes. In my opinion she is a very lucky lady to still have her life.

AND I am still in denial. LOL I go thru spurts of denial and it has been 3-years for me. :eek:

[JeniH]

Beo, Have you thought about talking to your GF about her getting some counseling about her depression? If she's not an expressive personality, who knows what else is all bottled up inside of her driving the fatalistic outlook. It might not be just her Type 1 driving the depression.

[beo2]

Hey JeniH, she has seen the Chief of Psychology at the hospital we work at. It HAD to be the Chief. She doesn't trust opening up to any therapist or newbie. It had to be the best for her. And she went to him for about 6 months around the time we first met a few years ago. At that time, she was at her lowest point ever (continually contemplated suicide, “She told me how she used to think about how easy it would be to just over bolus and end it.”), and saw the Chief weekly a little before we began going out. So, she knew she needed help and her depression has gotten better since those times.

She has confessed to me, that during that time she didn't full open up to even him as much as she has to me. I think it's mostly her feelings of inadequacy in regards to where she is in life. She feels like she moved to slowly on big decisions, like Med School and since she didn't get in the last two years she missed her chance. That would've changed her whole perception because she wanted to get into Diabetic Research and battle her disease head on. She’s currently the lab manager of an AIDS research lab, so medically she's as soundly educated about diabetes as they come.

So, I think she feels like she hasn't met her life goals and her status isn't where it should be compared to her family her are pretty well off. She feels like the black sheep, and once again it must seem to her that her disease won again by her not being able to get into med school. That and she feels like she's been given a death sentence.

So JeniH, you're right. It's more than diabetes, but it always seems a to be tied into it. But you also right, there could be things I don't even know about. But I trust she has been open and honest with me. That's why I feel like leaving her if she doesn't take better care of herself would be another feeling of failure for her.:(

[JeniH]

Beo, What a conumdrum!!! Sounds like she has some self-esteem issues. The best way to help your self-esteem is to help someone else. You both are health professionals? Have you thought about voulenteering to help kids with Type 1? Helping others in a meaningful way might help her to not feel like she "missed the boat" so much. She can find a way to feel like she can help fight her disease by helping to educate the youngest among those diagnosed to better take care of themselves at an early age to help prevent the bad side effects of the disease later in life. That might give her more incentive to help herself too? This is just a shot in the dark not knowing her personally.

[Granny Shanny]

Just fyi, Brian . . . our daughter was about your age when she decided to change majors & pursue a Ph.d in psychology. She gained the degree, spent ten years in a VA trauma clinic, got pregnant at 44, delivered a healthy baby girl; and now maintains a small private practice as well as giving seminars across the country on ACT (acceptance commitment therapy).

I know she had all but given up ever having a child. Funny how life works.

[beo2]

JeniH, that is a great idea! We are so used to watching our favorite shows when we get home from the hospital, we don't think about doing something more than what we already do at the hospital. I will definitely look into that and see if we can help out somewhere in the hospital for diabetic patients. Thanks! That would really work!

And Granny Shanny, if my gf can get her self esteem back I think that story could completely fit my gf. You're daughter sounds like the gf I know I have.

Thank you both so much for your thoughts and time!:)

B

[lorilei]

Hey B..i am more the expert on having diabetes but i am also well versed in loving someone with depression...that being said, sometimes, in my ignorance, i think the depression i deal with on my husband's end is harder than the diabetes i deal with on my end. and i'm sure you have heard that often the anology of "treating one's depression with mandatory meds like a diabetic needs insulin" is utilized..much to say and much commiserating to do..if you ever need a chat on that, post a chat call and you will have all sorts of ppl show up (diabetics or not!)

[beo2]

Yes, depression is a fickle thing when it comes to meds. I'm lucky enough to be a ridiculously happy person. So, it's hard but she's a lot better now, but we all know the big D never goes away. I will definetly post a chat on that if that becomes a bigger issue. I just really want her to take her self worth and health more seriously for now. So that I can feel like she wants a future seriously with me. She does just enough to stay in the game, but never more.

She's trying though, and that's a big part of it.

Thanks lorilei, and I hope your better half continues to have better days than bad ones.