Breakdown caused by a picture before "D"

kel4han · #1 (**permalink**) 06-14-2007, 10:59 PM

Well, today it happened. The briefing...me, dx'd 15months ago, my 6yr old dx'd 9months later. We started pumping on Monday. I have had no problems pumping whatsoever.....however she has had two HI's and several lows under 60, one being a 42 last night at 3am just 30 minutes after I checked her in at 167........So, as you can imagine, pump learning for two is tough... Honestly, I was just recovering from depression and my own dx when she was diagnosed in December. I have been a serious MESS, an emotional freak since she was diagnosed, but now this pump is really causing a breakdown. I have done nothing but cry since she started this F'ing pump becuase I cant figure her out! Ratios are good to go, however, I cant seem to get her to bed without having to correct a serious high...or give food for a low. Then she ends up crazy all night, and I cant start to adjust her basals for this reason.

The breakdown was pictures we had developed today from a camera we used two years ago on vacation. I saw myself in that picture, a healthy 125lbs, so happy and smiling, I looked so happy, and healthy. I cant believe what I have become. When Maddison was diagnosed I became more depressed, I have lost 15lbs, and I look sick. I walk around in a state of constant despair. I look sad, the happiness has been sucked from within. I couldn't believe I have let this happen to me. I lost it. I cried and cried for hours over that **** picture, (and of course becuase I have been up poking Maddisons fingers every hour the last 3 days.) I am tired from the inside out. I know I should be living again, feeling good again by now. What a wake up call for me. I have let her diagnosis rule my life, take over and run me into the ground. Thanks to DF and CWD I have maintained my sanity this long. And I promise, as soon as I make it past this pump transition (did I mention how TIRED I am??) I will be on my way back to being the person I was in that picture. Guess that picture was a blessing today. A blessing in disguise.

barko · #2 (**permalink**) 06-14-2007, 11:38 PM

wow....what a journey..!!

I have 7 kids, but I can't imagine what you are going through. It's hard enough to see them fall down, etc.

Going to stop right now and throw up a prayer for you. For endurance, hope, control over Maddison's BGL's (and yours) and for.....REST.

Blessings to you....there are better times just ahead.

Let us all know how it goes.

Funnygrl · #3 (**permalink**) 06-15-2007, 12:54 AM

I have had the same thing happen. You get so involved with the here and now, you feel like you didn't even have a life before diabetes, then it stares you in the eyes that you did, and you long momentarily for that again, and then you move forward with life once again, and realize, it's completely different from before, but the same, all at once.

BriOnH · #4 (**permalink**) 06-15-2007, 10:40 AM

15 months still isn't long in the over all scope of life. You are still getting conditioned to having diabetes. In my very, very humble opinion, since your daughter is diabetic, you getting diabetes is one of the best things that could happen for her life with diabetes. At worst it's for your daughter, at best you become even healthier and better then you have ever been in your life; even with diabetes.

johgn · #5 (**permalink**) 06-15-2007, 11:37 AM

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of being a mother, I find it hard enough to keep myself under control.

Ailsa · #6 (**permalink**) 06-15-2007, 10:03 PM

I know if my son had got it especially at such a tender age I would have taken it very hard.
However as Brian says, your daughter has the best possible mother, as you will understand her needs so much better than a non D person.
Try to focus on the positive. D is not the end of the world.
I am in my 50's & got it when I was 12, & it's never stopped me doing anything I've wanted to in life. There's lots of others here who will say the same.

ladytaz · #7 (**permalink**) 06-15-2007, 10:21 PM

First of all, you are doing a WONDERFUL job!!! Do NOT be hard on yourself!! It is SO difficult of taking care of somebody else, especially when they can't tell you things. Things they dont even know to tell you about, and those things they have NO clue about!! You were given a HARD blow! First you, then your precious daughter!! You MUST keep "it" up for her!!! Do NOT let her see you get down about it all!!

I fully understand that you may very well need to break down, but do NOT let her see that!! WE are all here for you, for that!!! We are MORE than willing to listen to your rants and raves!!! Always give her that "ever loving, smiling face" of yours, at ALL times!!

I can ONLY imagine just how hard it is with a child, but I DO know that I would NEVER let my frustrations show to my child! I would NEVER want them to feel "guilty" or "responsible" for causing me any frustration or pain over something they cannot control!!

Y'all will be in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!!!
*hugz*