[mell1682]

I know I'm not the only one who had diabetes as a child and totally didn't care for it. From what I understand, it's a common part of growing up with diabetes...rebelling against it, though when I was in the throes of it, everyone thought I had a death wish when it wasn't that at all...I just didn't want to be sick, I wanted to be "normal". My question is does anyone else have guilt about what you did THEN and its effect on your life now? I do...I think about all the years I didn't care and I look at my daughters and wish I had believed what I was being told cuz I want to be around a looooong time and I might not be because of how much permanent damage I did to my body during my ignoring diabetes years. I'm only 26, had it since I was 5 and for most of my life I didn't take it seriously and I can't help but feel sick about it even though I take much much better care of myself. Is this normal? Does anyone else feel like this?

[fgummett]

I try not to second-guess choices that I made in the past other than perhaps to try and learn from them... it's not as if I can change them now anyway.

More importantly perhaps is the fact that the choices I have made have led to who and where I am today... yes I see where I could have made different - potentially better - choices, but perhaps if I had made those different choices I would not be the proud father of my son Joshua

[xMenace]

Guilt serves no useful purpose IMO, and I encourage everyone to lose theirs. I am as guilty as anyone, but I choose to not feel guilty. I am plunging ahead.

[gettingby]

Originally Posted by xMenace

Guilt serves no useful purpose IMO, and I encourage everyone to lose theirs. I am as guilty as anyone, but I choose to not feel guilty. I am plunging ahead.

I totally agree John. We all must push forward and try not to look back.

[Gordonm]

I did not know any better and had almost nothing for testing myself. Yes I feel bad for what I must have put my body through but I just do the best I can now. No sense in beating yourself up for soemthing you can do nothing about. I have had it 34 years now and am in the best health ever. I hope to keep it this way.

[Subby]

Yes, I think it's pretty normal. If you are having issues with guilt I think you should probably talk about it with a good understanding friend or write it down or try and get it out of your system in some way, process it. It might take a while. Being an emotional thing there's no way to neatly deal with it and while I really respect the above sentiments (and agree with them), a quick answer may not be useful for you at this point - if it doesn't actually emotionally resonate with you.

So the point of what I'm saying - I suppose, yes, try to get to the kind of attitude John espouses, it may be just through reminding yourself every day, or you might need to really talk or write it out over some time to unravel some little logic knot in yourself that supports the guilt, before you really "feel" that the guilt is just a state of mind you can leave behind, not the be all and end all of reality.

It's all progress... and the fact you are aware of this is a big step to stepping out of it. Keep up the good work.

[lorilei]

did any of you with kids ever look at your own children and wonder who's next? sorry i spoke this outloud...but it is haunting me...

[mell1682]

Originally Posted by Subby

Yes, I think it's pretty normal. If you are having issues with guilt I think you should probably talk about it with a good understanding friend or write it down or try and get it out of your system in some way, process it. It might take a while. Being an emotional thing there's no way to neatly deal with it and while I really respect the above sentiments (and agree with them), a quick answer may not be useful for you at this point - if it doesn't actually emotionally resonate with you.

So the point of what I'm saying - I suppose, yes, try to get to the kind of attitude John espouses, it may be just through reminding yourself every day, or you might need to really talk or write it out over some time to unravel some little logic knot in yourself that supports the guilt, before you really "feel" that the guilt is just a state of mind you can leave behind, not the be all and end all of reality.

It's all progress... and the fact you are aware of this is a big step to stepping out of it. Keep up the good work.

Thank you for you kind words This is a feeling that comes and goes and turning 27 in 3 days does NOT help . I love my daughters and I know that what I did in my horrible moment might take me away from my girls before I'm ready. Having my children saved my life. I can't lie and say that after almost 22 years of having this that I don't have any complications but I also know I'm doing good for having it this long and only having the issues I have. Microalbuminuria and proliferative retinopathy are not things that I can just ignore now and every once in a while it really bothers me that I even have these problems cuz I could have stopped them from happening. Then I snap out of it and live my life cherishing every moment and not stopping to be guilty. There are other days when my girls are asleep and it's just me and my thoughts. I think these are the moments if I think too much about I get panicky. I wrote to other diabetics wondering if they ever think about it and I want all to know that I don't consume my life with these thoughts, just every once in a blue moon when I REALLY start to think about things.

[Subby]

Originally Posted by mell1682

Thank you for you kind words This is a feeling that comes and goes and turning 27 in 3 days does NOT help . I love my daughters and I know that what I did in my horrible moment might take me away from my girls before I'm ready. Having my children saved my life. I can't lie and say that after almost 22 years of having this that I don't have any complications but I also know I'm doing good for having it this long and only having the issues I have. Microalbuminuria and proliferative retinopathy are not things that I can just ignore now and every once in a while it really bothers me that I even have these problems cuz I could have stopped them from happening. Then I snap out of it and live my life cherishing every moment and not stopping to be guilty. There are other days when my girls are asleep and it's just me and my thoughts. I think these are the moments if I think too much about I get panicky. I wrote to other diabetics wondering if they ever think about it and I want all to know that I don't consume my life with these thoughts, just every once in a blue moon when I REALLY start to think about things.

Yes... I understand... and while my posts can seem heavy handed and I find language so clumsy (so it might seem I'm suggesting years of psychoanalysis... I'm not ), understand that posting here, could exactly be what I meant by "writing it down and getting it out of your system", processeing it a little. We all do it all the time... or at least we should all do it... sometimes DF is a bit like the "kitchen table" for diabetics, the kind of day to day understanding you might get from having a neighbour in to chat about the weather or the garden, can sometimes be gotten here about those diabetes issues that the neighbour has no clue about.

[mell1682]

Originally Posted by lorilei

did any of you with kids ever look at your own children and wonder who's next? sorry i spoke this outloud...but it is haunting me...

About 2 weeks ago my youngest and I got really sick with the ugly stomach flu. We both were violently ill but I recovered a lot quicker and I guess I expected her to as well and by her 3rd sick day I knew something was wrong and I decided to test her blood sugar because I had the worst feeling that there was something terribly wrong with her. The first poke was 144 and it was a struggle to get her to let me do it so I doubt it was a clean sample. The 2nd one was 257 and it was done 12 minutes later, same story: a big struggle. I freaked out majorly and called her pediatrician and the on call nurse said take her to the ER and tell them her symptoms and my history. I rushed her in and they took her back and ran tons of tests. I tell you the wait for her blood work and urine analysis was the LONGEST wait of my life and I've never been so scared in all my life. All I could think about was that I had given my baby a disease and I knew it was a risk when I got pregnant...it was and is an issue I struggle with daily. The first doctor was very evasive and uncertain of what to make of her blood work as it was 60 (more approriate number than mine given she hadn't eaten all day) and I had to wait for the actual pediatrician to tell me she wasn't diabetic but she was severely dehydrated. We had to stay the night but my baby is not diabetic and my mother's intuition was absolutely right about her having something wrong that I couldn't fix. Growth spurts are the worst so far. I have absolutely no family history from my mom's side and my bio dad's brother had type 1...neither one of my parents have it but my mom was adopted so her past is a mystery. My father's mother was type 2 as well. I think if one of my girls became diabetic, I'd be strong enough to not let my fears and own feelings get in the way and someone pointed out to me that night I freaked about my youngest that a diabetic child and diabetic mother can be each others best support. Don't apologize for asking...I'm haunted by it at times too.

[lorilei]

subby and mel...we were just talking about this in chat...

[kmac]

There is a quotation from Maya Angelou that goes something like this:

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

As a teenager, no one "knows" about long term consequences to actions. They may Know it in their heads but not in the way that adults do. Now you know and you have lovely children to care for you will do better I know. All we can do is face the future and do our best from now on.

Although my situation is very different from yours I can relate to what you say about poor choices in the past. I am trying to put those feelings out of my mind and concentrate on the present as I move into the future.

John, I could use some of your attitude. I am trying to just look to the future and get on with things. I am very sure you are right about that!

Kathi

[Juniorv376]

Mell,

Hello, I am new to this site, and actually found these forums because I saw a commercial on A&E about the upcoming episode of Intervention on diabetes. And the teen in the commercial reminded me of myself. I am 22 years old. Born 1986, and diagnosed with diabetes when I was 9. Had it under good control probably until I got into middle school when my mother no longer had "total" control over me. I have been rarely measuring my BG (Sometimes I would go a month or more without a single check) and would guesstimate my homolog dosage. I have not seen an endocrinologist in about 5 years. All because of my rebellious attitude. I do not think I have a recorded AC1 under 9.0. This all probably seems like a rant and I am not sure where I am going with this. But I probably went on because this is probably the first time I attempt to communicate with others who would understand how I feel. As of right now I do not know if my bad choices have created a permanent issue. But this past month I have made big changes. BG being measured min 6 times a day, usually more. Have an endocrinologist appointment coming up. And so far averaging 90-130. I think the fact that I got a recent AC1 9.7 and blood came up positive in my urine (still unsure if I have a UTI (Bladder infection or kidney stones or nothing at all) gave me a realization that just being aware that I’m hurting myself isn’t helping unless I do something about it.
I guess to some up what I said: I understand how you feel about the poor choices you made. And it is hard to not feel guilty. I feel bad about it all the time, and can’t help but get emotional when I think of my stupidity. I only hope that I get over this and truly maintain my healthy diet and constant testing. And hopefully I don’t fall back into my vicious cycle of poor dieting and neglect towards my diabetes

[mell1682]

Originally Posted by Juniorv376

Mell,

Hello, I am new to this site, and actually found these forums because I saw a commercial on A&E about the upcoming episode of Intervention on diabetes. And the teen in the commercial reminded me of myself. I am 22 years old. Born 1986, and diagnosed with diabetes when I was 9. Had it under good control probably until I got into middle school when my mother no longer had "total" control over me. I have been rarely measuring my BG (Sometimes I would go a month or more without a single check) and would guesstimate my homolog dosage. I have not seen an endocrinologist in about 5 years. All because of my rebellious attitude. I do not think I have a recorded AC1 under 9.0. This all probably seems like a rant and I am not sure where I am going with this. But I probably went on because this is probably the first time I attempt to communicate with others who would understand how I feel. As of right now I do not know if my bad choices have created a permanent issue. But this past month I have made big changes. BG being measured min 6 times a day, usually more. Have an endocrinologist appointment coming up. And so far averaging 90-130. I think the fact that I got a recent AC1 9.7 and blood came up positive in my urine (still unsure if I have a UTI (Bladder infection or kidney stones or nothing at all) gave me a realization that just being aware that I’m hurting myself isn’t helping unless I do something about it.
I guess to some up what I said: I understand how you feel about the poor choices you made. And it is hard to not feel guilty. I feel bad about it all the time, and can’t help but get emotional when I think of my stupidity. I only hope that I get over this and truly maintain my healthy diet and constant testing. And hopefully I don’t fall back into my vicious cycle of poor dieting and neglect towards my diabetes

You are doing amazing! I remember when I got back my first A1C below 10 and it was a monumental moment for me...I had been in the teens, up to 16 & 17 and coming down to a 9 was awesome. You're right about it being hard not to consume ourselves with guilt and it's even harder to constantly stay in control...this I know because even after my children were born I've had moments where I slipped due to never having ANY time ever and I had to snap myself into reality and force myself to MAKE time to test and take insulin. I think you should be really proud of all the progress you're making cuz it sounds like you're doing incredible! I too began my downward spiral around middle school when my mom could no longer force me to do things and I was "big" enough to make my own choices...I didn't make good ones at all, I never tested, I went DKA several times, I know I was knocking on death's door. I think what we need to do is try actively NOW to stop any more damage cuz we can, even if it's already started, we can halt it and prevent it from happening fast if we take care of ourselves right now.

[Juniorv376]

Originally Posted by mell1682

You are doing amazing! I remember when I got back my first A1C below 10 and it was a monumental moment for me...I had been in the teens, up to 16 & 17 and coming down to a 9 was awesome. You're right about it being hard not to consume ourselves with guilt and it's even harder to constantly stay in control...this I know because even after my children were born I've had moments where I slipped due to never having ANY time ever and I had to snap myself into reality and force myself to MAKE time to test and take insulin. I think you should be really proud of all the progress you're making cuz it sounds like you're doing incredible! I too began my downward spiral around middle school when my mom could no longer force me to do things and I was "big" enough to make my own choices...I didn't make good ones at all, I never tested, I went DKA several times, I know I was knocking on death's door. I think what we need to do is try actively NOW to stop any more damage cuz we can, even if it's already started, we can halt it and prevent it from happening fast if we take care of ourselves right now.

I am surprised to see there are people on at this time. I jsut saw the commercial to Intervention and jumped on my computer. The highest recorded AC1 I can remember is 13. Though considering the time frames between my AC1 tests I can only imagine it has been higher. I know of 2 cases where I went into DKP and only one of those times I ended up in a hospital. I consider myself blessed for only being hospitalized once in my life. I get what you mean by not having "time". it seems we live in such a fast pace world that there is always something we just need to do. And I could only imagine having children makes time that much harder to come across. I have ,as of late, found time to eat right and check my BG regularly, however I still have not found time to exercise normally. I'm kinda hoping that this site can provide some extra support, and knowing that I am not the only one that has gone through a "rebellious" state with diabetes makes me a little more confident in my struggle because though its probbal logical that I am not alone, confirmation helps and lets me know that people have gotten through this before me and will get through this after me..