[Kubilee]

Hi guys and gals,
I'll try and make this NOT a novel, but I know me and that's where it is going, so be patient here.... lol

I know I haven't been very visible in the past little while, but it isn't by any means anything but just sheer busy, life and other such things that's held my undivided attention lately.

Having said that, I need to make this post, so that none of you think I am ungrateful to ALL of you for your help in the past year since I was Diagnosed, May 11,07. I was told on May 7th, but officially diagnosed on May 11th. And I have to tell you, without the people here and my family, there is no way in **** I would ever be doing as good as I am today with my (OUR) Disease.... it is because of all of you that I can manage and control this and I need you all to know how very much I love, respect and value you all.


When Diagnosed I was at 379 and things were not looking good at all, my eyes were going crazy, my kidneys were freaking out and lord knows what else. BECAUSE of you all, and of course a little.... no alot of self discipline, I pulled that number back to a safe place in 5-6 weeks.

I lost all of my medical coverage 2 months after I was diagnosed so I have totally been on my own in that area of this, and still manage it ok..... my meds are only $4 a month and my strips I am not out as much as I would have been had I not found American Diabetes Wholesale, and can get those pesky strips for nearly half what I'd pay in stores.

Now for the part that's kept me away for the most part. Less than one month after being diagnosed we were confronted by my 18yr old son that he and his 17 yr old Girlfriend were going to have a baby, SO not what we were ready for, but when you are a family, you roll with the punches thrown or they will roll you over.... we took this girl into our home, and they were doing fine....... but still a stress when you add another mouth to feed on an already tight budget. In October we got our first grand daughter, and I refuse, absolutely 200% refuse to call this little lady an accident...... she is too precious for that.

To move on, my son broke up with this girl, who they'd already broken up but he tried so very hard to do the right thing and stay with her, it just didn't work out and in January they broke up, but being that her parents had tossed her out, she had nowhere to go, so we kept her and the baby here with us for another 8 weeks... imagine THAT stress if you will for one minute.

From December thru about a month ago, my stress levels were so insane and keeping my Diabetes in check was just about all I could deal with, I sunk into a depression, and a BAD one..... not because of the Diabetes, but more because of not being able to control it as I had been doing and no matter how well I ate, it just wasn't working out so well. It never went above 200, but anything over 140 and I go into a panic, causing MORE stress........ and when I stress, I don't explode, I IMplode and shut down and go inside myself......

I guess I had to say that out loud if you will, I haven't breathed so much as a word about it to anyone but my husband, that poor man. Not only has HE had these stresses I have had, but HE had the challenge of also taking it upon himself that *I* stay healthy as is possible thru all of it and he should be commended with a medal of honor on that front. Bottom line, our kids aren't perfect but you do whatever you have to do to support them in even the bad decisions they make, it's how we, as parents work.

I NOW have my life back in MY control and everything is settled back down and I am happy to say my Diabetes is back in check.....

I apologize for not being around so much, but when I get in a bad place, I just shut down, my problems are just that, my problems and I try and not lay them on anyone else and if I can't be 100% with those I love, I just stay back until I can. This is not to say I haven't read this board each and every single day, I HAVE...... I just haven't been in a place where I thought I could be productive, so I wasn't posting.

Bottom line, it is BECAUSE of you all and my husband that I am doing as well as I am doing and I honestly and sincerely love and respect you all for keeping me on track and helping me CONTROL my Disease without letting it DEFINE who I am.... for that, you ALL deserve all of the honor and respect I can muster up.

Thank you, it seems so simple and shallow, but until I can come up with something more valuable to put it into better words, this will have to do. I thank you all, from the very pits of my soul, thank you.

[Kubilee]

To add to this.......... I didn't really say too much on WHAT the major stress was about. This girl, who's parents tossed her out on her ear when all of this happened, now has made up with her parents, who are divorced and abused her, or so her story goes, and she moved back to that world..... and somehow I am the monster for taking her in and nurturing her and loving her like she was my own........ and somehow I am a monster for that. Being accused of wanting to take her baby away from her and god only knows what all I am not hearing thru the grapevine. I had said and stand by, I RAISED MY KIDS, I don't want to raise another, and by taking someone in, I am not sure how that made me the bad guy here....... but oh well. THAT stress is over and I am ok now..... we can't control people, only control how we handle them, and I found a place where I can live with all of it..

If I was the monster I am being made out to be, I wonder how because we kept her in our home for 2 months after the two of them broke up, who else does THAT? I am not tooting my own horn, but just letting you know where the stresses came in so bad. They BOTH lived under my roof and my son, being the monster HE is I guess, was all fine with her staying here..... that made HIM a monster too.....

[MJB]

Welcome back. Always remember to take care of yourself because you can't help your loved ones without doing that first.

My 29 yr old daughter has 6 kids, I've had live in girlfriends of my stepsons (one had a baby but gave it up for adoption) so yeah, I know somewhat how you feel.

[Kubilee]

Originally Posted by MJB

Welcome back. Always remember to take care of yourself because you can't help your loved ones without doing that first.

My 29 yr old daughter has 6 kids, I've had live in girlfriends of my stepsons (one had a baby but gave it up for adoption) so yeah, I know somewhat how you feel.

THANK YOU...... I have been called crazy by those around me for going that way, but wow..... how do you throw someone out on the streets, especially with a baby!!

My husband took the brunt of it where my son was involved and her, to be honest, because he was trying to protect me as well.

I not only have Diabetes, but I have a Mitral Valve Prolapse as well and that made it all that much more challenging.. so his protection of me wasn't an easy task at ALL.... and I don't think I'd be here if not for him.

I can laugh about it now, because I am on the other side of it... but when I get into bad places, I forget to eat, and I'd hear this VERY loud voice, belonging to my husband of course, screaming in my ear, "Boo Boo, you have Diabetes, EAT!!" or "Boo Boo, you have Diabetes AND a Heart thing, STOP stressing, ******"..... and this wasn't no easy task for him, I can be quite the pill sometimes..... actually MOST of the time. lmao

[Kubilee]

MJB, you are a musician? Your avatar is very small and my old eyes can't make it out so well, but is that a Gibson in there? lol

My husband plays music and he has a couple of those babies.... he treats them like they are his kids. Same music interests as you too....

[kgm0612]

Hey Kubilee........Nice to see you, but I'm so sorry to read of all the stress you've been under the last 6 or so months. All I can say is "hang in there" and take things one day at a time.

Congratulations again on your new granddaughter. You didn't mention in your post........are you allowed to see & visit with the baby?

Take care of yourself and check in with us when you get the chance.

Karen

[fgummett]

It sounds like you have been working through a great deal but have always tried to do the right thing by others. No matter what they might say about your actions, just hold onto the fact that you did your best At the same time don't lose sight of the fact that you need to take care of yourself; and I would humbly suggest that includes spending more time on here, bouncing ideas off others. Take good care

[Kubilee]

fg, thank you.

I get told all the time that if I'd just talk to people I'd feel b etter. but have major issues with involving others in my problems. I am the type that does the helping, not asks for help... but after this last year, I plan to change THAT plan of attack. lol

I am the type that I keep things in my own house, if no one sees the cracks, they can't kick them, I guess.

[princesslinda]

Kubilee, congratulations on your 1 year milestone....and it is a milestone! It sounds like your first year's journey has been fraught with a lot of stresses (both internal and external), but you've came through them all...you are a survivor! I think getting that first year behind me made me realize I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Pat yourself on the back for a job well done...YOU were the one who made the right changes, YOU were the one who kept going, even when it might have been easier not to.

Wishing you many, many, many more happy years!

[Hammer]

Hi there Kubilee! Thanks for sharing your story of how your life has been going recently. Don't let those people who are calling you a monster get to you. Your story is almost identical to my family's story.

Many years ago when he was 18, my brother and his girlfriend told us that she was pregnant. They got married and got a cheap apartment and tried to make it work. As is usually the case with people that young, they aren't ready for parenthood and the loss of freedom that entails. They're young and they want to still go out and play, not come home and take care of a baby.

My brother got fed up with it and left.(he moved across the country). His young wife had no place to go (her parents were very abusive) so my mother took her in. She lived with us for almost two years. In that period, she saw that she wasn't able to properly care for a baby, so she put it up for adoption. The baby was adopted by a very nice couple who has taken excellent care of her, over the years.

Now that the girlfriend no longer had to care for the baby, my mother helped her get back in school, since she dropped out when she got pregnant. My mother treated her like one of her own kids. She took her wherever we went and bought her clothes and whatever she needed. I was still living at home, as was my younger sister.

After about a year, it was becoming a major strain on the family having her there. She was raised totally different than we were and it was causing friction in the house. Coming from an abusive family, she had to fend for herself. In our house that wasn't necessary...we always shared things. She always had to grab whatever she could in her house, in order to survive. She'd steal from us, lie to us, and was totally untrustworthy. That attitude didn't fit in with our family, and eventually it came to a head. My mother asked her to move out.

The girl accused my mother of all kinds of things, and the girl moved out with hatred for our family. Many years later, my mother got a letter from this girl, and in the letter, this girl said that she forgave my mother for throwing her out. I guess she forgot that when she was with us, for once in her life, she was treated like a human being, but in return for that treatment, she was selfish, arrogant, and childish.

With us, the girl had the best possible life she could ever hope for, but I guess it wasn't what she knew, and going back into an abusive house was the only way she knew how to live.

So Kubilee, there are many stories like yours. The thing you need to keep in mind is that you went above and beyond what most people would have done, and you took on an enormous responsibility. You did the right thing....the compassionate thing. If those other people are too blind to see that, then that's their problem. You're an excellent example of what a mother should be, and you need to know that no matter what anyone else says, you did the right thing. You can honestly say that you can live with yourself and your decisions, and you should feel good about yourself. Had you left them to fend for themselves, you would probably not feel good about it today, so keep your spirits up.....you're an A-Plus mom!

[davef]

Originally Posted by Kubilee

I get told all the time that if I'd just talk to people I'd feel b etter. but have major issues with involving others in my problems. I am the type that does the helping, not asks for help... but after this last year, I plan to change THAT plan of attack.

Kubilee,

It's good to see you back, sorry for all the trouble you have had over the past while, hopefully your grand-daughter was a ray of sunshine during the hard times.

Do try change your plan of attack, come here an vent away, don't feel that you have to make positive sounding posts to contribute. None of us can ever know if anyone of our posts, be they positive or negative or simply vent, may help others when they see somebody dealing with a similar problem or feeling. So in a strange way, coming here when you are feeling down could well still be helping others and hopefully you would get some solace and comfort too.

Take care of yourself, well done on keeping control and "congrats" on your 1st anniversary.

[Mich]

Hey Kubilee,

We have missed you over the time you were busy. Your not posting during that time is simple: it's called self-preservation. Sometimes it seems like crummy things just keep piling up, doesn't it?

You are a champ of a person and so is your husband for being there for your son and for his poor, confused girlfriend. You were there to see that her nutrition was good during her last months of pregnancy and also give her a glimpse of a normal, loving life. Human beings are good observers and those examples wil stick with her.

Congrats to you on holding the diabetes together as well as you did. What the heck, after that year, can ANYTHING ever bother you that badly again?

You folks are good parents for doing what you did. Ignore the rumor-mongering. You did the best you could which is enough.
Have you ever heard the maxim: No good deed goes unpunished?

We're all glad you're back.

Mich

[Kubilee]

awww, thank you so much for all of your kindness, all of you.

Hammer, that's about the way it was here, and being the victim of child abuse myself, made us all the more willing to help this girl out. But we moved past all of MY abuse and our home was not run like that at all. NO one had to deal with the things I had to.

But she was, and like your situation, she lied and stole and all of it too. She'd always have to fight for enough food to keep her alive, so when she got here, she'd put so much food on her plate that sometimes, I'd have to make myself something else to have enough for her and then we'd find she was hording it...... and that never bothered me, we'd have a quiet little laugh later, just me and my husband. lol

These two kids are awesome parents now... but wow, they didn't start out like that. And I had to make decisions that were insanly tough to push them in that direction. NOW they both put her first, this isn't just me, they had to be the ones to follow thru, and I respect them both for doing it and now they put her first and foremost, but wow..... I had to play so many tough love roles and it was hard.

I made very sure she finished school, she did homeschool in my home and we watched the baby and then when she was done with that, we helped her get into a good online college and she is still doing that and doing well..... so I DO take great pride in some of it, whether the two of them hate me or not.... lol

The thing I did to her that really freaked her out and someday she WILL thank me, but she seen me as being too intrusive.... I KNOW all about Internet Love Affaisr and she was SO desperate to meet someone who would love her..... the person she somehow got mixed up with was on a Sex Offender list and wow. this was a challenge..... I tried to confront her about the dangers to no avail and I warned her that if this kept on, we'd deal with it in court, she didn't believe me, so I had to back it up....... ALL I did was mention it in court, this boy is on the sex offender lists for LIFE and it in his restrictions, he can't be around girls with female children or anything...... the judge freaked out and so did everyone in there, including her. And THAT is when I became this massive monster and she is STILL mad at me about it..... she shut me down when I tried to inform her of this so I sent her an email and told her if she didn't talk to me and listen to me about this, the next mention would be in court because the baby was in potential danger..... to no avail.

SO.... my goal was to just slap her VERY hard to snap her out of it.. I know and knew then she had a big heart and she loved that baby with everything she had, but in HER need to be and feel loved, she lost sight of it. So I slapped her very hard, right where it hurt.

When it came to court, we had to go to make a date for the actual hearing for custody and I threw that information out there and she was faced with the idea that she COULD lose her baby, and I had told them many times, "You keep that baby safe and FIRST in your lives and I will never interfere" and I lept my word. Right up until this happened.

She did as I knew she would, she snapped out of it and she put the baby back first in her life... and I'd do it over and over again and still would.

SHE will not even consider talking to me, tells people I am a horrible mom and my own kids hate me..... which I know better, but still it hurt hearing it, who wouldn't be hurt by it? lol

My son still lives with me and he gets his baby every other weekend and goes over to see her 2-3 times a week, and these two kids have worked out a way to live with the fact they have a baby together..... and they FINALLY have put her first in their lives, and they are doing great. I can live with her hating me..... and I can live with her not talking to me and saying nasty things about me, she has her baby first now and that's what my goal was. I told the judge that day I didn't want to take her baby away, I wanted her to THINK about her for a change and not herself, and it worked.... and I'll eat anything bad she has to say about me now...

Call me intrusive, that's fine, but I'd do it all over again.... it's how I play, if I can't get your attention in a nice way, I'll get it by using whatever means possible if I see you or someone I love in danger.

[Kubilee]

Mich,
Thank you, and yes, I have told my husband so many times over the past year, if I can JUST make it thru all of this, I'll be fine and I don't think anything could ever touch me again, not like that..... lol

Self preservation is what I was raised with, I had to learn to deal with things from within and no matter how hard I try, that's how I do it. I can promise you this, EVERY single thing hurt me a lot deeper than anyone could ever know from outward appearances.

I told my son when HE got so mad at me for butting in, "I love you and I don't care if I have to go thru you, around you or right smack over the top of you, I WILL get your attention and someday, not for many years until that baby gets older and you have to actually BE a dad, you will thank me, and understand what parents have to do, and it isn't always nice". I am a MOM first, a friend second....

[Alice]

Kubilee...please know that you are not alone with this family situation. I wish more people would seek outside intervention for "disfunctional" young parents. There are too many teenagers having babies and they don't realize that their early "actions" have a lasting affect on the children.

Some parents can only see from day to day...others are already choosing colleges when the baby arrives...go figure. A happy middle would be nice, these days.

My niece is having a baby at 18/19...similar circumstance. It breaks my heart. And I agree with you...the babies aren't "accidents"...they are precious children. Our hope is to give them a better chance than their parents, that's all.