[musique913]

My mom is a type 2 diabetic.

She's lost half of her foot to uncontrolled diabetes. She doesn't go to the doctor when she's supposed to! She thinks a 250 blood sugar is "Good" (!) She never gets her eyes checked, she sleeps late and doesn't eat right away, etc..

I have done everything I can do to help. I've taken care of her. I've spent months waking her up and feeding her to make sure she's had her medicine and eaten. As soon as I stop she goes right back to her old habits. I have tried to tell her to go to the doctor when she has little problems on her skin, but she doesn't, and winds up with worse problems.

She is now in a wheelchair. I work in a doctors office(a podiatry office) as part of my studies for college..she has half-a-foot, and I know she is able to get a prosthetic to make it better so she can walk around on it, and yet she just doesn't do it.

This is a woman who has been hospitalized with heart problems numerous times, and has also had a number of issues with her kidneys. I'm trying! I don't want to see my mom die young, and my father died at 59. She's only 61..and it breaks my heart to see her doing this to herself.

Have any of you been in this situation? Can anyone offer me advice on what to do?

I can't leave her alone. I've tried to do it because it hurts so much to watch her do this, but it's not what my heart tells me to do. I need her to get better, and feel better.

[zenpierce]

What does she say to you when you ask her why she doesn't take care of herself? I always worry of becoming a burden to my family so I ignored my symptoms. At some point I had to admit by not working for health I was becoming what I didn't want. I decided that my wife needed me to be there,without her I would have accepted my fate.

Chris
Type 2
4/09
Metformin 100x2
Lisinopril 10mg
Lantus 20
Plavix
Asprin
Zocor

[Penny]

As a 63 year old mother, this really bothers me. I sure wouldn't want any of my children to feel they had to take care of me. It is wonderful that you help your mother, but she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. If you can get her to the doctor, go with her and explain to her doctor about your concerns. Have you tried being frank with your mother and explaining how stressful it is for you to worry so much about her? I am sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope she listens to you and at least makes the effort to do better.

[malika]

it seems to me that perhaps she's given up. maybe she's only sticking with what she's supposed to do while you're around to keep her happy. if she's already lost half of a foot, she knows how serious diabetes is. she's 63 and she's a widow. there is a deep underlying issue as to why she won't take care of herself. she may be depressed. i would suggest trying to get her to hang out with people her own age, that may get her more socially involved and give her something to look forward to.

[malika]

having her go to a widower's support group. maybe she would feel better if she got the chance to get things off her chest with a group of people that understand her.

[princesslinda]

Angela, I have been where you are now. My mom was diagnosed T2 just after the birth of my younger sister. Mom was 28 at the time. Her mom and dad were both diabetics, her dad had his leg amputated, and her mom died of renal failure in her 50's.

I remember as a 6 year old, my mom came home from the doctor crying and told me "I have sugar, i'll probably end up losing my leg like grandaddy and dying young." Diabetes has always horrified me, but never as much until I was diagnosed at age 42.

Mom never took care of her diabetes, instead just pretending she didn't have it. She ate whatever she wanted, just taking her pill every day...she'd sometimes take 2 pills when she ate especially bad. This was before meters were available for personal use. She always said she wanted "quality of life, not quantity," and unfortunately, she not neither. We all just watched as she destroyed both her life and ours.

When she was 47, she got a non-healing ulcer on her toe. She had the toe removed, and the wound wouldn't heal and became gangrenous. She was in the hospital a long time, and by the time she was released, she had an above-the-knee amputation. At this point, she started on insulin, 2 shots daily, and did try to keep things under better control, but it was too little, too late. By 50 she had had a heart attack and was legally blind. She died at age 54, from renal failure, leaving behind a husband, 2 daughters and 2 beautiful little grandchildren.

The desire to take charge of diabetes has to come from within. There's not a lot you can do to motivate someone who refuses to change. It's hard to watch, and to this day, I can see my mom eating candy bars and breads/sweets on a daily basis. Then I see her in a wheelchair, trying to adjust to the prosthetic leg...then I see her holding the newly born granddaughter up close to her face so she could try and see what the baby looked like.......it cuts me to the core, and provides the motivation I need not to follow in her footsteps.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I'm esp. sorry your mom has given up. Hopefully she'll come round before it's too late.

[RayDS]

I agree with Princesslinda. You cannot motivate people. You can only give them the information they need to make the right decision for themself. Regardless if it is your Mother and/or a friend do what you can by providing them the knowledge they need and hope they do the right thing.

Good Luck

[Jan B]

Angela,

It always breaks my heart to hear of Princess Linda's story.

My adoptive dad is a T2 who lets everything I tell him just blow right by him, and he does what he wants to do. His last A1c was almost up to 7. It's been slowly creeping up over the last few years. He takes one pill daily, and claims his bg is never over 120. He used to test once a day, now he doesn't test at all that I know of. I have given him all the advice that I have learned from this forum about T2 progressing, etc. I have caught him in several fibs; he doesn't want to be seen as sick or needing help. He's lived alone now for about 15 years, and he is 73. He was only diagnosed about 5 years ago. I always thought he was a smart man, but he just will not listen to what I tell him.

Don't let it tear you down too much. Your mother must take control (or not). You can only do so much. I'm really sorry you are going through this. At times, I feel guilty I don't do more about my dad. But when I think of how much my brother, his wife, and I have tried, to no avail, I just pray.

[plattb1]

My situation with my mother is similar, although she is not a PWD. She is, however, a hypochondriac who refuses to take care of herself. I know that sounds contradictory, but consider the following.

She no sooner recovers from one illness/injury or problem than she identifies another. Since she's 78, she does have some real physical issues. Sometimes, however, she emphasizes the ones that will garner the most sympathy rather than realistically address the ones that matter.

Her current problem is pain in her legs of unknown origin. She has arthritis and has had one knee replacement. But, her rheumotologist says that is not the cause of this particular pain. She is seeing a neurologist next week. And, if he doesn't find the source, she will move on to her orthopedic doc.

Her primary care physician is a quack. I have tried to get her to change, but she likes him. He is very quick to refer her to specialists, who do all manner of tests.

I am convinced that if she were to eat better and exercise more, she would be much improved. But, that doesn't come in a prescription bottle so she ignores her children's advice.

What can you do? Very little, I'm afraid.

If I sound unsympathetic, believe me, that is not the case. I am the one who bathes her when she is very sick. I am the one who cooks for her (& my father) when she can't cook. But, I am frustrated, too.

This post wasn't very helpful & I am sorry. I wish I had better advice to give. It's tough!

[musique913]

I think my biggest issue is that I want to have my own life, and still make sure she's okay. I worry about her so much, and don't want anything to happen to her, but there is only so much I can do personally.

I don't want to lose her. Losing my dad was bad enough, and I'm still not over it now. I just wish things could be different.

[jer.lawrence]

I really wish that I could offer some advice, but I can't. My dad had a stroke a couple of years ago (he isn't diabetic) and he's been unable to work nearly as much as he used to. He had no health insurance at the time, and the hospital bills were upwards of 70 grand. He's back to work now, but he never feels quite right.

I always tell him to go see a doctor as well and discuss his symptoms with them, but he won't. I know it's not quite the same thing, but it gets to me having to help support my dad (emotionally and financially). I'm 28, I don't think I should have to be doing that yet.

I don't mind, I don't want to give the impression that I do. I love him and I'll continue to do anything I can for him. It's just very mentally and emotionally draining.

I hope your mom will snap out of it and start taking care of herself too.

[lorilei]

angela, i would also be very frustrated and upset...is there any chance she is depressed? what does she state for her difficulties in trying to gain control of her sugar..does she know that some of her sympotms may decrease if she can have better bg overall...has she ever been to a class...i think there is so much lacking in type 2 education and i witness this regularly in the ppl whom i see at work..and the amt of support for things like bg checks and etc could really be better on both the docs end and the insurance end.

[paylka]

...but to me this sounds like somebody who wants to die. I think that if I'd lost my husband and been diagnosed with diabetes at an older age, I'd be tempted by that notion, especially if my kids were old enough not to "need" me. Maybe it's selfish, but having been so depressed in the past that I was absolutely convinced that the world would actually be a better place without me in it even with a beautiful new-born daughter, I could see where maybe your mom would also be convincing herself that it's just not worth it to take that hard trip toward healing when the people around you would be better off, or even blessed, if you just gave up. I'm with the posts that suggested maybe she's depressed. I think your time might be better spent getting her to grief counseling and perhaps even medicated for depression and see if she comes out of it enough to want to live again.

Just my two cents.

[Caravaggio]

Originally Posted by musique913

I think my biggest issue is that I want to have my own life, and still make sure she's okay. I worry about her so much, and don't want anything to happen to her, but there is only so much I can do personally.

I don't want to lose her. Losing my dad was bad enough, and I'm still not over it now. I just wish things could be different.

This is a difficult state to be in. Try talking to a psychiatrist and see if he could recommend some things you can do both for her and yourself. For her, she seems to be in such a state of depression that she doesn't seem to want to go on living. You need to find out why and help her face it and deal with it; otherwise nothing will change.

As for yourself, please do have a life. It's difficult, but you can only do so much for someone else, even for loved ones. You cannot live her life for her, and you certainly don't want to miss out on your own life. Go have fun and don't feel guilty about it.

[EeyoreButterfly]

I truly understand where you are coming from. My whole life my mom has been obese and smoked. I want her to stop smoking more htan anything, but I learned a long time ago it is her decision and I do not make anything better by harping on her. It just stresses both of us out.

I'll be honest, I always get a bit uncomfrotable with these threads. I think about how I don't like it when my parents try to be helpful and give me advice or criticism on how I manage my disease. It is my life to live and manage how I choose. Everybody should have that right. If you've tried to help and she's refusing, there's nothing you can do. You have to step back and let her live her own life. She knows the consequences, you telling her or trying to manage for her is not going to help her and is only going to drive a wedge between you.