The Enchantment of Pandora

I can't help being sick, my apologies if inconveniences you, I can only do what I can do and when I do that it still isn't right or okay by you...what more can I do, what more can I do.

so do you know what?

I am going to do what I need to do to get better.

{on sick leave}

This winter isn't really cold enough, it's mild, there is no need for bundling up with jackets, beanies and scarfs...no, winter is a disappointment. Global warming is stealing my autumn and winter...I love winter its a season where you can snuggle up with a doona, cup of hot chocolate (pre-diabetes) and watch a movie on netflix; it's a season that is full of luminosity maybe I seee the world through my artist eyes but the colours after rain are truly magnificent and you cannot get the same in summer. Winter is a time when I feel my bed is so lonely during summer your sweating so much and it's so hot you don't want to get skin-to-skin to anyone else, winter on the other hand

I'm really enjoying learning about watercolour painting, it's so much fun! I have needed to get back in touch with my creative side and since I've being doing it I know realise how much...omg, why did I wait so long. I get lost in painting and listening to all sorts of music while doing so...the other day I was listening to the harp and other harp-like music lol? I have no idea, but it made sense at the time!! I'll be adding acrylic painting and oils very soon, I'm having so much fun with watercolour right now I just want to explore all techniques with this medium but I will be doing more mixed media in the coming weeks.

I've still got a weird throat, I think I might have to go back to my GP as I'm just not on top of it...still! Every morning and evening it's sore and I'm still addicted to lemon tea. I've also being tired and lightheaded...again, I think my anaemia is getting bad again. This has being such a long road for me, I wish I better now but one thing I've learnt is just because you want it doesn't mean it will happen. My immune system is compromised because of it so things like this sore throat hang around longer because my red blood cells are struggling. My bg levels have being up and down but luckily I have the ability to bring it back into control with insulin.

It's almost one year since I was in hospital, this anniversary is poignant as it was when I started taking my diabetes, eating disorder and general health more seriously. Alot has changed in this time...while some areas of my life haven't really changed at all and sometimes it worries me that they haven't improved or changed what is important is that the seriousness of what I've gone through health wise, was the important changes that needed attention and addressing. The other things - can wait.

I struggle with things...life and it's up's and down's just like everyone else does...when I started mediating I thought that I would have monk-like inner peace pretty much straight-away, thats what it seems like on the brochure! I am still on my journey, my soul's journey and I have to remind myself that while great changes are taking place in one area of my life to let go of other things. It's not easy, but nothing rewarding ever is...after going through what I've being through achieving inner peace is my reward, it's what I've being working on accomplishing. Ok, this aside.

You know we are going to die out and probably sooner rather than later...we can't talk to each other some how men and women have lost the ability to be able to communicate with each other; oh, except for when there is a computer though. You could be waving your hand at a guy and he still won't get the hint and talk too you. What is he afraid of...rejection? Hello, what rejection? there isn't any rejection for a guy to be worried about, not anymore, not these days...these are the days when guys can be guaranteed to have no competition, because the other guy has is eyes on his phone flipping through tinder instead of looking at the women that all around him, passing him by.

I really don't want to go back to the past, you shouldn't be allowed to blog with a fever. I've still being having fevers and feeling so cold...coming in and out of consciousness and not eating correctly have all taken their toll. I don't know how viruses reactivate but they seem to all the time. I feel drained and I have taken pleasure from doing some watercolour when I can, it's so much fun. I didn't formally learn watercolour but always wanted to try it, so I just picked up the brush and started doing it.

There is alot to learn and thats when I realised my paints were actually not performing as they should and the colour, not great....I am hoping the paints that I recently ordered will be alot better and when I add them to the page behave like a watercolour in illuminace brilliance. I love it so much, it has been along time since I last picked up a brush...it is such a joy, I only wish that I had started painting again, sooner.

My readings have being all over the place as I still battle this virus...I'm trying hard to keep to schedule, I'm not hungry which doesnt help but I still keep trying but I can't get my thoughts past...............................................you...

I don't even know if you'd be reading this, but at times it's like I'm talking directly to you, my thoughts are consumed of you....sometimes so much I can't breathe. I don't want things to be the way they were but I don't want them to be different either. I've gone back to my former love...art, painting actually I've being doing watercolour painting the watercolours I'm using are less then brilliant, they are somewhat lifeless...I've ordered some new ones so I'm hoping that their pigments are alot better. I'm forcing myself to do paintings first as I'm far more accomplished at sketching, painting is forcing me to move outside my comfort zone. Oddly enough, my compositions aren't as jaded as I thought they'd be or maybe I'm waiting for oils!

I'm still feeling sick, my throat hurts and I'm so cold and I wish I was with you, once more...Put the fire on and make one of your special coffee's cuddle up and watch a movie.

singing this song to you, was like a vow...do you remember?

I've been pretty sick for the past month this pharyngitis mutated from something else, with being so anaemic my immune system is struggling. So this illness has hit me very hard and I just want to sleep, the body aches don't hurt so much in bed but the back of my throat pays for it, I wake up thinking I've got a million furballs in the back of my throat. I was delirious with a fever the other night and slept walked into my Son's room and had the strangest conversation, he found it fascinatingly amusing.

I would really love to meet a guy and have a deeply profound, dynamic interlude with him...see where things go and be sickingly happy. I really can't handle drama and complicated - - all I want is something that doesn't have to be explained or is difficult to define but somehow he understands this weird woman that freaks easily and has being afraid to let her heart go. Take me by the hand and make me laugh, talk about the strange phenomena in the world, deep philosophy and maybe that interlude develops into an entire symphony. But how can I have this when I'm not even on any dating site, I type in the address click ' join ' then freak and run...they want you to be able to say what you want to neatly fit into their algorithms, but what if you have never being able to defined like that and what you want is indescribable? They don't allow for it, I don't fit into a digital box but I still want to meet him.

I am still struggling with all of this...on my own...or, with the help of my Son and my Mum, my Son is really insightful and sort of really understands how I'm feeling and I don't have to go into massive lengthy detail to express it. It helps because right now I'm finding that in order to 'get by' my words or cognition is being used else where..., it's hard to think, speak and find the right words and at times my patience is short where it seemed that I had a pretty long wick now it's short and I fire up. I had a break-through, when I was going through some heavy sh!7 in my past the psychologist would ask me why I'm not angry, I should be feeling angry but I just couldn't "get it up" for them I wasn't angry...my anger was internalised through my eating disorder. I was angry but it was expressed differently and more painful, harder to overcome also.

I'm not feeling like socialising and having to go out...I just want to stay in, I'm freezing cold alot of the time and still so tired. I hate feeling this way but I can't help feeling the way I am and I'm sick of having to put on a smile when I walk out the door when all I want to do is just feeling whatever it is I'm feeling and if that is to shed a tear then I'll shed a tear, if I don't want to smile then why should I have to?

Over the past month or so...old habits have returned where I am really hungry and will binge then I just don't want to eat at all...but because of diabetes I kind of have too which makes it agony and I try to eat as little as I can. I don't know how long I keep going like this, it's getting harder and getting deeper and deeper into the black pit of nothingness, no longer blue the blue is inky black....

it's all just way too much and too hard.

I've tried to keep my levels even, it's hard at times and they have gone up and down. I've had hypo's and back-to-back hypo's mainly from not eating on time or eating not enough. Though there has diffinately being times when I've eaten quiet a bit more than I normally would have and times when I just don't want to at all then depressed even more cause I have too so I try to eat to the absolute minimum, so as such my levels have reflected that. But what can I do...I don't have the skills needed to get through this alone and it's hard to verbalise things at the moment. I don't know if talking will help but I need to start somewhere...but then where do I begin when I start.

It's almost midnight and I should be already in bed, but I don't feel like it at the moment, I am sick of living my life like I'm dead already. I am an adult and should be able to go to bed after midnight if I so choose too and if I want to sleep in that too is my choice, right? There are aspects of my life that are so controlled because of diabetes...I am trying my best to accept these but one thing that I have a hard time with is up until eight months ago, my life was anything but scheduled and there is a side of me that hates being a monkey trained to act on command.

I'm feeling sort of numb...I haven't being able to trust my judgement when it comes to food because, what I think is more than enough isn't. I've being eating the past two days, without restriction and only one meal I cried through. I feel guilty and its hard getting help, it's easier to keep my mouth shut but then I just get worse and worse. I hate it when I try to explain to those I'm close too what happened a few days ago and they don't understand...start asking questions and it's like I have to justify myself over and over. Instead of trying to understand and offer some support...I get grilled. I don't want the questions, I don't want to be forced to have to give my point of view only to have it re-examined and they come the series of why's.

I have been invited to a high school reunion...and I'm flat out not going, the high school portion of my life - is over - I am not going backwards anymore. I don't wish to relive any of it and as for the reminders.......save it, not interested.

I have tried not to focus on my bg levels too much, just to note that they are 'acceptable' and I haven't being too worried about the carbs and the sugar as ana related these or equated them to - fat - fat in general and fat on my body. Eating healthy meals without restricting or controlling has been my aim and goal.

I am going to concentrate on things that make me happy and bring value to my life...to feel good about myself and meet new people. That is what I want to do, there is nothing for me in the past...I've turned the page.

Yesterday was quiet a day...I firstly received news from my GP that blew my mind, I was not expecting to have an A1c result of 5.8 - but I did - I went in to that appointment with the expectation of it to reflect positively that the NR and Lantus were/are working together to bring my results down and it more than did that. Now I can't wait to hear from my Endo's registrar to see what my Endo thinks of it; but if my GP's reaction is anything to go by, I think he'll be just as thrilled.

After the Doctor I had to test my bg and was also due for morning tea, which was about an hour late, I found this interesting cafe. When I tested I was having a hypo, my second one for the day so I ate the jelly beans and waited for fifteen minutes...relieved that it had gone up to normal I continued on with my morning tea and flipped through the newspaper. Then by the time I got home, I was almost due for lunch and again tested to find I was having another hypo...bloody h3ll how is this happening...my third for the day and in that 24 hour period I had five, one more and I would have to go to hospital. Not only was it alarming to be having my third hypo for the day, it was also the lowest I've been and quiet seriously the next step from there is hospital.

The Eating Disordered part of my brain has being taking the diabetes information and distorted it so I was getting a f%!^ked up interpretation of the information. When my eating disorder gets information on that all the information I was focussing on was carbs and sugar...cutting the carbs down to almost nothing and not having any sugar at all...so I was eating yeah, but I wasn't getting anything from the food because Ana was in-charge. It's kind of hard to explain, but was still restricting myself and controlling things but in a different way but the same disastrous results and I could have ended up in hospital yesterday.

My lantus dose has being cut back, as Ana also liked me to have basically no sugar in my blood stream at all so I was trying to get as low as I possibly could without having an actual hypo. No more. So this morning I was 4.6 and I have to get happy with being under 100 instead of 'fine lining it' chasing the sweet spot. The hypo's I had before - getting into trouble - were quiet serious, it was like I was 'drunk' like if you didn't know I am diabetic you would assume that I had being drinking as I was unsteady on my feet and really nearly fell over, shaky as all heck and I was freezing cold [still am today actually] but I had a chill down the length of my spine like my spinal fluid was freezing cold, I was not in a good way at all.

My eating, well the last few days had being alright, but as I've just said Ana has being in charge so while I was eating it wasn't the best. So now I have to make sure I eat without being restrictive and get enough energy from the food. So last night I made a baked dinner with pumpkin, sweet potato, carrot and chicken drumsticks and I even left the fat on the drummies...I was thinking of everything that Kit and Mike have being telling me and so I left it on and ate it too. After having the baked dinner my bg was 5.7 so I was pretty pleased with that and inspired me to take better care of myself. I technically, should not have had a hypo after the Doctor appointment yesterday as I ate a normal breakfast without restriction; then for morning tea I ordered a soy latte (i shouldn't have really had milk as it's a carb but I treated myself as I coffee only when out] I had to have the jelly beans and then had the biscuits I brought from home for morning tea [i have to take them with me as I cannot buy gluten-free & egg-free biscuits in cafe's here] so I don't know, it's in the past now I'm looking forward and learning from this whole experience. I hope this makes sense.

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The past few mornings my FBG has being quiet low, it doesn't really bother me unless I need to take jelly beans to counteract a hypo. I would much rather be low than high, thats for sure, when your hyper you just don't feel very well. So last night I altered my dosage of insulin (basal) to see if it made a difference and I think it has as this morning I was 3.8 or (68.4). I don't mind 3.8, I seem to tolerate it quite well compared to the low 3s. Only a few short months ago I was wondering if I'd adjust to the lower bg's readings I was having after being prescribed NR and now I'm saying that I tolerate the higher 3s better than the lower 3s, funny. Having the right insulin both basal and bolus has made all the difference!

I've being restricting my food intake and depriving myself of anything substantial, I get by on 'this and that' rather cooking a meal. I am saying this as I really want to overcome all of this, but it seems to have the upper hand. I was in bed last night and I had stomach pains and use to be able to block them out, now I'm feeling them. I am trying to do the best I can, I struggle but somehow I am muddling through day by day...I wish I knew what to actually do. Apart from telling the truth here and mentioning it to my Son, I haven't told anyone what is going at present...I don't see the point when it doesn't change anything I still find it hard to cope...I'm not talking for the bloody fun of it, talking does nothing.

Next week I find out what my A1c is, to me this one is important because it reflects NR and how it has helped me gain control. So I hope that it is what I'm hoping for...I have tried so hard to do the very best I can 100% of the time. So I'll see how it's faired and if it's not the results I'm hoping for, then at least I know that there is more work to be done but good results will be in my future.

I missed my appointment with my Endo as I was far too dizzy to travel and when I rang to reschedule it seems I may have been placed on the 'naughty list' as I have to wait until September 2017 to see him. So in the meantime I'll see his registrar, oh well at least it's something. There was nothing I could do though, I didn't want to travel and end up fainting on the pavement...It'll freak me out. As far as the anaemia, I feel a little stronger the things I couldn't do last week now I can do. I am still tired though, that hasn't changed as of yet.

I've cried myself to sleep every night this week, so far, the pain of having do something I really don't want to do is just way too much for me. I eat my food, try not to think, just eat it up and get through it...but when I'm relaxed in my bed its all too much and when the tears start they won't stop. I pull the skin on my body, disgusted that I have skin to 'pull' it's awful makes me feel disgusted in myself...all I see are the flaws, all I see if the mountainous fat. It seems all I am doing is - - getting by - - nothing I'm doing is working, nothing is helping and I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know if I could or would stick up my hand for help. I though by eating that it would eventually 'drown out' ana's voice and I wouldn't be bothered by it anymore, but it's not the case, she's there and I'm at a loss as to what do.

After being able to get through the last couple of months without any or minimal problems, my eating disorder has being creating havoc the last couple of days. Not as bad as it has being previously, but then again she could be just getting started. I have a really uneasy feeling and starting to notice difficulty around meal times...I don't want to eat. I deprive myself of anything 'nice' as a form of punishment I guess I don't know but when I have problems I tend to really deprive myself to the point I'm really quiet hungry then I have a decent meal then the ritual starts again and again. When will this stop? Will I ever be ok? Will this horror haunt me for the rest of my life? I feel so full, another common thread is this, which tends to fool me into pushing meals back and back...with a hope in not eating at all. I wish I didn't though right now, I am so full and feel bloated...I don't like where is this seems to be heading but right now there doesn't seem to be a way out. I've stopped seeing my Psychologist because I could never get a face-to-face and the Psychologist I was advised to see it seems charges for appointments which is out of my budget...so I'm in a catch-22...forever damned if do/don't. What am I going to do?

I've being so incredibly tired, it's more like an extreme tiredness like I would imagine sleeping beauty had before she slept. I've now had two injections of B12 and I am struggling still, although, family have commented that I have more 'colour' in my face now. But I'm still weak, tire easily and get dizzy all the time. My doctor said that after the third injection I'll require three more and then a top up every six months and make sure that my haemoglobin doesn't get too low.

The past few days my meter has notified me of a low pattern occurring before lunch, today it really amplified all the anaemic symptoms but included an inability to think and I was as shaky as a drunk withdrawing looking at an empty bottle. It wasn't really the insulin's fault for my low pattern, it's my own, yesterday I slept past my scheduled time for lunch thanks to being anaemic and today I was just busy running errands and arrived home late for lunch. I'll have to watch it but it might happen a bit this week as I'm busy with appointments most of the week.

Also, I've gotten a diagnosis of an eating disorder and disordered eating behaviours just recently.

More later, I will be back, just taking things easy for a while.

I missed bogging, I miss the clarity of getting your thoughts out of your head and I can re-examine them here. There is so much I'm feeling and thinking it can, at times being overwhelming.

I've been out and about today, this week has been busy. On Monday I had my first B12 injection and it went well, I haven't noticed anything or improved so far, as I'm still fatigued and so sleepy. If these injections don't work then I'll need a transfusion, I am trying,I try really hard.

I ache everywhere; my arms, legs, back and the bones in my limbs ache...it hurts so much, I have been in tears. My Son said it is because of my eating disorder depleting my body of iron and calcium for so long, now that I'm eating well they are now getting those nutrients and as they heal it does cause pain as I'm in a state of recovery.

I don't think when t comes to meals, I can't because I'd still refuse, for sure. It crosses my mind, not eating, but I have to think of something else. When food is so bloody expensive, as my diet has mainly speciality foods, I remember how inexpensive it was not eating. I don't get the sense of entitlement when it comes to food - - I did xyz so now I can eat < insert indulgence > I really don't understand, I eat to live, not live to eat.

More later, so tired.