It's almost midnight and I should be already in bed, but I don't feel like it at the moment, I am sick of living my life like I'm dead already. I am an adult and should be able to go to bed after midnight if I so choose too and if I want to sleep in that too is my choice, right? There are aspects of my life that are so controlled because of diabetes...I am trying my best to accept these but one thing that I have a hard time with is up until eight months ago, my life was anything but scheduled and there is a side of me that hates being a monkey trained to act on command.
I'm feeling sort of numb...I haven't being able to trust my judgement when it comes to food because, what I think is more than enough isn't. I've being eating the past two days, without restriction and only one meal I cried through. I feel guilty and its hard getting help, it's easier to keep my mouth shut but then I just get worse and worse. I hate it when I try to explain to those I'm close too what happened a few days ago and they don't understand...start asking questions and it's like I have to justify myself over and over. Instead of trying to understand and offer some support...I get grilled. I don't want the questions, I don't want to be forced to have to give my point of view only to have it re-examined and they come the series of why's.
I have been invited to a high school reunion...and I'm flat out not going, the high school portion of my life - is over - I am not going backwards anymore. I don't wish to relive any of it and as for the reminders.......save it, not interested.
I have tried not to focus on my bg levels too much, just to note that they are 'acceptable' and I haven't being too worried about the carbs and the sugar as ana related these or equated them to - fat - fat in general and fat on my body. Eating healthy meals without restricting or controlling has been my aim and goal.
I am going to concentrate on things that make me happy and bring value to my life...to feel good about myself and meet new people. That is what I want to do, there is nothing for me in the past...I've turned the page.