I am still struggling with all of this...on my own...or, with the help of my Son and my Mum, my Son is really insightful and sort of really understands how I'm feeling and I don't have to go into massive lengthy detail to express it. It helps because right now I'm finding that in order to 'get by' my words or cognition is being used else where..., it's hard to think, speak and find the right words and at times my patience is short where it seemed that I had a pretty long wick now it's short and I fire up. I had a break-through, when I was going through some heavy sh!7 in my past the psychologist would ask me why I'm not angry, I should be feeling angry but I just couldn't "get it up" for them I wasn't angry...my anger was internalised through my eating disorder. I was angry but it was expressed differently and more painful, harder to overcome also.
I'm not feeling like socialising and having to go out...I just want to stay in, I'm freezing cold alot of the time and still so tired. I hate feeling this way but I can't help feeling the way I am and I'm sick of having to put on a smile when I walk out the door when all I want to do is just feeling whatever it is I'm feeling and if that is to shed a tear then I'll shed a tear, if I don't want to smile then why should I have to?
Over the past month or so...old habits have returned where I am really hungry and will binge then I just don't want to eat at all...but because of diabetes I kind of have too which makes it agony and I try to eat as little as I can. I don't know how long I keep going like this, it's getting harder and getting deeper and deeper into the black pit of nothingness, no longer blue the blue is inky black....
it's all just way too much and too hard.
I've tried to keep my levels even, it's hard at times and they have gone up and down. I've had hypo's and back-to-back hypo's mainly from not eating on time or eating not enough. Though there has diffinately being times when I've eaten quiet a bit more than I normally would have and times when I just don't want to at all then depressed even more cause I have too so I try to eat to the absolute minimum, so as such my levels have reflected that. But what can I do...I don't have the skills needed to get through this alone and it's hard to verbalise things at the moment. I don't know if talking will help but I need to start somewhere...but then where do I begin when I start.