After the whoha of whether or not to get my results i went. My sister didnt give me a choice.
Weight - 57.5kg (loss of 3.5kg since 3weeks ago)
HBA1c - 14.6 (was expected but scared the beegeezers out of me i was so high for 8months)
Creatine (umol) - 81 (within normal)
Cholesterol (mmol) 4.37 - within normal
kidneys etc all ok just about. So really i was ok. The metformin side effects were still playing up making me sick alot. So they reduced that right down on the friday.
Monday i woke up at 19.9mmol and it kept climbing to 28.3 - resulting in hospitalisation. Sodium levels very low also or so they said. They put me on the insulin pump thingy to reduce glucose levels. I was well behaved and didnt kick up a stink about the fluids and more insulin going in.
I was weighed at the diabetes centre two days after and i had put on 2.5 lbs even though i was being sick after every meal with modified metformin.
I weighed myself again after this about four days afterwards and i have gained another 3lbs. How is this fair?? i take the meds as advised and all i do is throw up after most meals even after reducing my carb intake to less than 100g a day, eatting smaller meals and yet i put on weight?!
I havent had the best of head spaces as i call it since then, each day seems to be a fight between exhaustion and staring at the meds wondering - is it really worth it? I know i cant do this on my own but nobody seems to really understand. Being high is addictive, i almost miss the feeling (i dont mean the constant if i dont drink i am gonna die or the needing the loo every 15mins on the dot). I miss the not needing to be obsessive about eveything i consider eating, injecting or testing.
I know the last day or so i have missed one or two doses, but i didnt realise until tonight, how is that possible not to realise i have drank loads?? although my glucose level isnt too high right now... I know my mum is so worried about me and so i should be but i cant get fat again. i just cant do it. My stomach has not been slim at all since diagnosis (16 years ago) and although i lost over 6.5 stone i still look more pregnant than my sister who actually is pregnant. It makes me want to be sick anytime i see it. No idea how my boyfriend doesnt throw up either although i try to conceal my flab wherever possible.
I just dont know what to do. Sometimes it feels the little devil on my shoulder dresses like the angel and i believe everything piece or trash that comes out of her mouth. What am i meant to do?
If you are struggling with diabulimia, please get help - tell somebody. Dont fight this alone.