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sc41ksg

"I know what you are feeling."

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sc41ksg

Being a Christian and going to church Wednesdays and Sundays. My wife and I have heard the saying "I know what you are feeling." more than what I want too from other Christians and follow by advice that is more stupid then helpful.

My 10-year-old son is a type 1 diabetic and was diagnose when he was 6 years old. He has been in the E.R. for high and low blood sugars many times.

With the usual saying and advice, we also are asked the question why cannot we afford to take trips or buy things. Mission trip to Mexico or Israel, or sending Collin to camp for a week. We get this from people from church and family members. We have not met any parents with kids that have diabetes. I would accept the saying "I know what you are going through and feeling." From a parent who is going through the same thing.

Has anyone else going through the same thing and getting the same stupid advice? If anyone response I will tell you some of the advice we have gotten.

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Dis-N-Dat

Welcome to the forums, a club that no one wants to join. Diabetes is an expensive addiction; It takes it's toll not just on the physical, but on finances, emotions, relationships and almost every other aspect of life.

 

So here together, we laugh, we cry, we comfort each other and share what we've learned.

 

I'm glad you found us and I look forward to getting to know you. My best to you and your family.

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Granny Shanny

Tell us more about yourself. Am I correct in understanding that, in addition to your ten-year-old son being type 1, you yourself have had diabetes for 24+ years? Are you type 1 also?

 

There is no doubt that people often offer a lot of clueless platitudes. It can get frustrating when you're working so hard to keep body and soul together, and then be confronted with "I know how you feel", from folks who clearly don't understand. I guess about the only civil/courteous response would be "and I know you mean well", and just leave it at that.

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Subby

Hi sc41ksg. I have found, and probably many people have found, there are those who will give false sympathy. By false I mean the easily mouthed "oh it's so hard for you, I'm so sympathetic" but when push comes to shove, they have no idea and make no real attempt and are happy to impinge any standards or demands of their own, even if it is unreasonable and upsetting and alienating.

 

In the case of social groups or friends of this unreasonable ilk - well, I just don't have those people in my life. In the case of family members etc, it may well be desirable or necessary to try and improve communication to see if better empathy can be reached.

 

With relatives I find less sympathetic, having some basic privacy and barriers is useful for my own confidence and happiness. I would never ask for, accept, or particularly talk about issues with someone who is not willing or wanting to hear. And fishing from sympathy from such people is like fishing for sharks. Treacherous.

 

Is there any particular reason your son's diabetes or your financial/practical hardships are any business whatsoever of all these people? That is something that you can control. You have worked out they are not really there to "help" in whatever way. Rather they are there to be "seen" to be doing so. How about making your business your own again? You can always share with those you trust and who are respectful.

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sc41ksg

I know that sometimes it is nice to get sympathy. Nevertheless, when Collin was diagnose with diabetes the advice has been none stop from church members. One that has been the torn in my side is from the Men's ministries leader. He has made it his goal to inform me of every alternate cure of Diabetes and the latest is an internet report from a Doctor from Japan that says that you do not need to take insulin if you eat the way Japanese eat. In addition, he was willing to give it to anyone that would read it.

Most people at church do not believe how much the cost can be and that insurance does not pay for something's. When you do not have to use your insurance, you do not understand the out of pocket cost.

I love the people at Church; however, I do not want to repeat the history and information on Diabetes to each one. That is where I get frustrated; there is no one that I can talk to that knows much about Diabetes.

I was diagnose with Type 1 Diabetes a few days before my 18th birthday and now close to being 43 years old, married for 13 years to Julie, who is also an Type 1 Diabetic. We live in Springfield, Oregon and have to travel to Portland, Oregon once every four months to see the Doctor that handles kids with Diabetes. This is the only time we see other parents who have kids with Diabetes.

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Granny Shanny

Since you and Julie are both type 1 and have been for years, you're not short of experience with the disorder, and nobody in the church can hold a candle to the two of you.

 

If they are insistent, you may just have to be firm and say something like: "no thank you; we have physicians who take care of our medical needs. While I have no desire to be rude, we have neither the time nor the wherewithal to investigate all the "cures" you present."

 

As Subby says, make your business your own again. If there are times that prayer requests are made to the congregation, they can always pray without knowing all the details. God knows the details - the parishioners don't need to.

 

Stick with this forum, and you'll find several parents of type 1 children. I believe a lady named Summer just joined this week.

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foxl
Hi sc41ksg. I have found, and probably many people have found, there are those who will give false sympathy. By false I mean the easily mouthed "oh it's so hard for you, I'm so sympathetic" but when push comes to shove, they have no idea and make no real attempt and are happy to impinge any standards or demands of their own, even if it is unreasonable and upsetting and alienating.

 

In the case of social groups or friends of this unreasonable ilk - well, I just don't have those people in my life. In the case of family members etc, it may well be desirable or necessary to try and improve communication to see if better empathy can be reached.

 

With relatives I find less sympathetic, having some basic privacy and barriers is useful for my own confidence and happiness. I would never ask for, accept, or particularly talk about issues with someone who is not willing or wanting to hear. And fishing from sympathy from such people is like fishing for sharks. Treacherous.

 

Is there any particular reason your son's diabetes or your financial/practical hardships are any business whatsoever of all these people? That is something that you can control. You have worked out they are not really there to "help" in whatever way. Rather they are there to be "seen" to be doing so. How about making your business your own again? You can always share with those you trust and who are respectful.

 

 

Nice insights! Great post.

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slipperyelm

I wonder if your own parents (even though you were 18 at diagnosis) and your wife's parents might have some insight for you. I bet they've heard more of it than you might be aware of.

 

I do think the butt-insky character is even more prevalent nowadays due to the internet combining with peoples' gullibility and ignorance--then they want to pass onto you all their new "profound information."

 

I'm 50 and to this day my mother remembers the hurt and judgement she felt from people at our church (yep!) who acted as if she were crazy in trying to prevent her kids getting a hold of certain foods they were badly allergic to. Back then, most people only seemed to know the word "allergic" in relation to hayfever. Our allergies are expressed on the skin and all those, ahhm, idiots could see it for themselves....I can imagine the supreme annoyance people must be when they try to tell you stupid stuff like, "feed your kid Japanese food; it will cure him!" It's got to be 100 times more annoying that what my mother heard from people. Geeze!

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HollyB

Hi, and welcome. Sorry you're getting flak from the very people who should be a good support to you.

 

I wonder if a prepared "broken record" response might help (given that these are not people you can tell to shove off)? Something like, "That might help with type 2 diabetes, but type 1 is a very different disease and right now there is no cure. If you really want to help, perhaps you'd like to make a donation to the juvenile diabetes research foundation for research towards a real cure."

 

On the other hand, people asking why you can't afford things? That's just rude.

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