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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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Hammer

I see so many jokes being posted to their own threads, I figured I'd start a thread where they can all be posted, that way, people only have to go to this one thread to find some humor.

 

So, here's something that may or may not have been posted before. If it has, sorry, I didn't see it.

 

We always hear 'the rules' From the female side ...Now here are the rules from the male side.

 

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '

ON PURPOSE!

 

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ...Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

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foxl
And one more thing, not all men are expert marksman especially when it comes to the toilet bowl.:)

 

Boy you are not kidding ... raising my son who is now 6.5 to shoot straight ... URRRRRGH! He uses one bathroom, the other FOUR OF US use the other. :mad:

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Dougster

Foxl (Linda), make him clean BOTH bathrooms. Post a sign in the bathroom that reads "If you can't hit... SIT!".

 

Funniest sign I ever read in a restroom was "Here at (fill in the blank) we aim to please...you aim too please!" Gotta love urinal humor/humour.

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LCD

9 Words used by a WOMAN

 

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing

usually end in fine.

 

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but it's a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an

idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Sleep lightly hide the kitchen utensils.

 

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "F**K YOU!!"

 

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

Could #10 be "the silent treatment", (as an aunt of my calls it "Vision and no sound"), no words involved but it speaks volumes and you just know that "#3 Nothing" applies. This can also be accompanied by the "The Look"

 

I shudder at THE LOOK.

 

THE LOOK has been known to melt titanium hulls of star ships, induce global warming, can send planets spinning out of their orbits and make the most stout man run to hide beneath his bed.

 

Ahhhh but wait until the LOOK is accompanied by folded arms and tapping foot! Be afraid, be very afraid.

 

Ladies, you have been duped for eons. Men are taught the meaning of woman speak by the onset of puberty.

Men are also taught to always profess they do not understand women least the cover gets blown.

Have you not ever heard the expression "It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission"?

 

If I may add one that my wife uses...

 

11. What!?: This is more of a challenge than a question. Used when the man knows he said something he shouldn't have to the woman. Woman may, or may not, have heard the statement the man made. NOTE: Typically followed with "The Look".

 

One more.

 

When a woman ask is something is okay or what. She does not want the or what as an answer or for you to say I get options here. This always seams to upset someone when I say either one when she ask if something is okay or what. Don't know why. Please help.

 

Also look out for the " Do I look fat in this?" Thin ice, very thin!

 

Aaaaagh! No way "really" will work with that question!

 

Would probably have to go with "You look wonderful in everything"

 

How about " Can you see any grey hairs?"

Not from here. Is that the right answer?

 

How about Nope you have had them for a while. I just never told you.

 

It's like do I look fat. Not last time you wore it why.

 

Lol. Well, we girls only get better. You guys only get to tell us so.

 

Since when do women only use 9 words? Seems like they usually use many, many, many more..........lol

 

To which you reply ... really ... and have missed the important words

 

Don't suppose we could just work on the basis, that you girls know you only get better, assume that us boys agree with you and don't ask us questions anymore complicated than "will you make me a cup of tea?"

 

That way it reduces the chances of us boys suffering from foot in mouth (followed by foot in a*se) and also gives us the chance to earn brownie points for managing to make tea without burning the water!

 

Oh yeah, #10 for the boys: Sorry: Sorry, my mistake, you're wrong.

 

Leaves the room, knuckles dragging along the floor...

 

The male equivalents?

 

What are the equivalents for men? How about:

 

#1: Really?: This means that a man is aware that some body has been speaking, the speaker has paused awaiting a reply but the man has not been listening, really is non-committal and much safer than yes or no.

 

#2: I was just going to do that: I was aware that something needed to be done, but was just too lazy to do it and was waiting for some body else to do it.

 

#3: I was only joking: Of s**t, I've gone too far, were's the door, why did I say that, heeelp!

 

#4: We're not lost: We are lost, but I'm still not asking for directions, if I drive about aimlessly I'm bound to get there.

 

#5: What time are we supposed to be there: We were supposed to leave 20 minutes ago, I've been ready for an hour, are you ever going to be ready.

 

#6: It's ok I can work it out: I've no idea what I'm doing but I'm not reading the manual or asking for help.

 

#7: That's cool we should get one: I really don't know what I'll use it for but I want one.

 

#8: You could get a bus past here: I know I'm blocking the road but I'm not moving

 

#9: We got a faulty one: I can't get this working but I'm not admitting that I don't know what I'm doing, often follows #6

 

I think I've heard all of those along the line.

Along with "I'll be right there." Meaning " I've got about 1 minute to fix this before she finds out".

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Hammer

I just read in the local paper that a man fell into a re-upholstery machine, and had to be hospitalized. Don't worry, he's fully re-covered.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does

this taste funny to you?"

 

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.....

 

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were

nothing to look at either

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other

and says, "Dam!"

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also

ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were

standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

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Hammer

OK !

 

 

I know that I've warned you guys before but..........just be careful out there........!

 

(Ladies -- Please pass this on to any men you know that might get duped by this scam.)

 

 

 

 

 

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

 

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.

 

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

 

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

 

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

 

 

 

Here's how the scam works:

 

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

 

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th, 21st, 23rd, 24th, and 30th three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to be careful! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.

Warn your friends to be vigilant.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, by the way............

 

 

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

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Hammer

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

 

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

 

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mum or dad home?"

 

Little boy: "What do you think?"

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MCS

He sitting on the couch waiting for his wife of many years to come down so they can go to the movies.

 

She finally comes down, dressed to the nines and says "How do I look"

 

"you look wonderful, lets get going"

"you don't like what I am wearing"

"I Love what you are wearing"

"I am going up to change"

"Change into what"

"I can tell you don't like what I am wearing"

"But you look wonderful"

 

20 minutes later she comes back down the stairs, "YOU LOOK WONDERFUL"

 

"Thanks, we need to get going or we will be late"

 

 

Guys if you want to see the movie, you gotta to dig deep into your emotional well and pull one out for sake of sanity.

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Petruchio

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through

Holland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide

led them through the process of cheese making, explaining

that goat's milk was used.She showed the group a lovely

hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained,

'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no

longer produce. She then asked, 'What do you do in America

with your old goats?'A spry old gentleman answered,

'They send us on bus tours!

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Petruchio

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the

area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany …

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

 

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

 

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

 

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

 

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and

you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..

 

Now give me back my dog.

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Hammer

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

 

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

 

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

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Dis-N-Dat
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

 

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

 

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

 

 

Sure got me laughing this morning. I read this thread every day and it's great! Unfortunately, I was raised with brothers so all the humor I know isn't fit to print. :D

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genie86333
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

 

Oh, why didn't I ever think of that before?

 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

Now, that one I need to remember.

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

So, does that mean you're not an electrician?

 

Good thread, keep the jokes coming!

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Hammer

A grasshopper goes to a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "You know, they have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Really?....they have a drink called Charley?"

 

 

Define a Zebra. Twenty six sizes larger than an A bra.

 

 

There are THREE kinds of people in this world.The ones who are good at math and the ones who aren't.

 

 

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

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Hammer

Holiday Eating

 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

 

 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

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Dis-N-Dat

Love it Hammer!

 

O.K. time to pull out my blonde jokes. First let me say that the following joke is in no way meant to insult any blonde, living or dead. Also because I am a natural blonde (or was before the silver) I have full license to tell blonde jokes (it came in the mail on my 16th birthday :D )

 

What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?

 

Answer: "It's not mine"!

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plattb1
Love it Hammer!

 

O.K. time to pull out my blonde jokes. First let me say that the following joke is in no way meant to insult any blonde, living or dead. Also because I am a natural blonde (or was before the silver) I have full license to tell blonde jokes (it came in the mail on my 16th birthday :D )

 

What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?

 

Answer: "It's not mine"!

 

This is the greatest thread! The holiday eating jokes are priceless ...

 

But, as another natural blonde ... before the silver ... I love them best! Let's have some more, guys! I know you know them.

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