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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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Hammer

Blonde jokes? Okay, here goes....A blonde woman decides to earn extra money by going door to door to see if anyone needs any odd jobs done. She comes to one house and asks the guy if he has any odd jobs that she can do. He says, yes he does. He wants his porch painted, and he has the paint.

 

She says that she'll be happy to paint his porch, so the guy hires her. After about and hour, the blonde walks into the house and tells the guy that she has finished. The guy finds it hard to believe that she's finished in less than an hour, and he asks her if she painted two coats, and she said she did.

 

He pays her and as she's leaving, she turns back to the guy and say, "Oh, by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari!"

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

 

A plane takes off for New York, and once the "Fasten Seat Belt" light goes off, this beautiful blonde gets up from her seat in coach, and walks up front and sits in a seat in the first class area.

 

The stewardess walks up to this woman and tells her that she can't sit there, and she has to go back and sit in her seat in coach, since she didn't pay for a first class seat. The blonde says, "Hey, I'm blonde and I'm beautiful! I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!"

 

The stewardess gets up and walks up to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot what is going on. The co-pilot walks back to the blonde and tells her that since she didn't pay for a first class seat, she has to go back to the coach section.

 

Again the blonde says, "Look, I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving!"

 

The co-pilot walks back to the cabin and tells the pilot that he needs to radio ahead and have the police waiting to arrest this woman since she won't go back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot turns around and sees the woman, and says, "Nah, she's a blonde. My ex-wife was a blonde. You need to know how to talk to them. I'll handle this."

 

The pilot walks back to the blonde, sits next to her, and whispers something in her ear. Without saying a word, the blonde gets up and goes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot then walks back to the cabin.

 

The co-pilot and stewardess are impressed. The co-pilot says, "That was amazing! She just got up and walked back to her seat without the slightest complaint! What did you say to her?"

 

"It was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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Hammer

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

 

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

 

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

 

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

 

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

 

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

 

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

 

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

 

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

 

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

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Hammer

that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

 

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

 

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

 

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico..

 

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

 

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

 

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

 

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

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Hammer

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

 

CAR TROUBLE

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

 

She says, 'What's the story?'

 

He replies, 'Just cr4p in the carburetor'

 

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

SPEEDING TICKET

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

 

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

 

RIVER WALK

 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

 

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

 

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

 

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

 

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

 

KNITTING

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

 

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

 

IN A VACUUM

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

 

 

TWO DOGS

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

 

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

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2high

I haven't been here in a while...

 

so...

 

 

 

How many blondes does it take to make choc-chip cookies?

 

13 - 1 to mix the dough, and 12 to peel the m&m's

 

 

-------------------------

 

 

What do you call six blondes sitting in a circle?

 

A dope ring

 

 

------------------------

 

 

How do you get a one-armed blonde down from a tree?

 

Wave

 

 

-----------------------

 

 

2 blondes are driving along a country road, and discussing the fact that they both disagree with the typical "dumb blonde" stereotype. As they come across a bend in the road, they see a boat sitting in the middle of a field, and in it, a blonde, paddling madly.

 

The passenger blonde explodes "SEE!! It's blondes like her that give blondes a bad name.... If I could swim, I'd go out there and punch her!!"

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plattb1

I am LOVING THESE!! Especially the cr4p in the carburator one.

 

I can't believe I asked for this ... is that a blonde or what?

 

:D

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2high
I am LOVING THESE!! Especially the cr4p in the carburator one.

 

I can't believe I asked for this ... is that a blonde or what?

 

:D

 

Don't worry... I'm blonde, and I'm telling them!!

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networkguy

In the spirit of recent news...

 

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

*Santa stopped at 3 ho's

 

Whats the difference between a golf tee and an Escalade?

*Tiger can drive more than 400 yards off a golf tee

 

Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.

 

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

 

Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

 

Tiger's recent transgressions remind us golfers that somedays course conditions suggest that its best to keep the wood in the bag.

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raffi

Don't forget the Computer Science version

 

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

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art

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........

 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.. Wright would not be hanged tonight . Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

 

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

 

 

Art

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Hammer

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

 

Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

 

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

 

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

 

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

 

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

 

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

 

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

 

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

 

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

 

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

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Hammer

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

 

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

 

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

 

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

 

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

 

Sincerely, The CAT

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Hammer

Dear Abby,

 

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.

One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a

social worker in her mid twenties. These two women

go everywhere together and I've never seen a man

go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they

could be Lebanese?

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and

Violence on my VCR?

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,

I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman

who has been on the pill for two years.

It's getting expensive and I think my

boyfriend should share half the cost, but

I don't know him well enough to discuss

money with him.

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

I've suspected that my husband

has been fooling around, and

when confronted with the

evidence, he denied everything

and said it would never

happen again.

 

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

Our son writes that he is

taking Judo. Why would a

boy who was raised in a good

Christian home turn against his own?

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.

Now how do I get out?

 

Dear Abby,

 

My forty-year old son has been

paying a psychiatrist

$100.00 an hour every week for

two and a half years.

He must be crazy..

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

I was married to Bill for three

months and I didn't know he

drank until one night he

came home sober.

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

My mother is mean and short

tempered. I think she is going through

mental pause.

 

Dear Abby,

 

You told some woman whose

husband had lost all interest

in sex to send him to a doctor.

Well, my husband lost all interest in

sex and he is a doctor.

Now what do I do?

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Dis-N-Dat

Hammer, you're making my face hurt from smiling! :D

 

Here's one for all of us diabetics:

 

Typographical Errors

Type ! Diabetes (Sometimes we all feel like we're dealing with Type @#$%^&* diabetes!)

Type 11 diabetes (comes after Type 10?)

One Tough Meter (One really great idea)

Glucontrol (Sounds like a brand of pill to control blood sugar levels, but it's got one too many letters)

Stomache (A smaller version of a bellyache?)

A cur for diabetes (Or perhaps a cat?)

Serfing (the net... Recognition that we all can become slaves to our addictions)

Bold Glucose (the bolder, the better)

"My blood sugars are mostly good, except in the morning. I have tried less snakes before bed but still wake up with high blood sugars." (Maybe less snacks would work better?)

Diabetes honey-mood (Do people with diabetes alway crave honey, or is it just a phase they go through?)

Sliding Sale (Makes about as much sense as does a Sliding Scale)

"We know how to read the crabs on food items but on some items they don't say anything." (Sometimes they just don't have crabs to list, just carbs.)

"I do get a little ick in my stomach" (Deleting the s makes the bellyache a little worse.) [added 15Dec2007]

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gettingby

The Blonde Cop

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..

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plattb1

Here's one:

 

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

 

I went to the doctor for my annual physical. The nurse started with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked. "135" I said. She weighed me & I weighed 180. "Your height?" she asked. "5 foot 4 inches" I said. She checked & measured my height to be 5 foot 2 inches.

 

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

 

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, "When I came in here I

was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

She put me on Prozac.

What a *****!

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Hammer

Only in America ...do

drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes

at the front.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers,

large fries, and

a diet coke.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put

our useless junk in

the garage.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with

Braille lettering.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

EVER WONDER....

 

Why the sun lightens

our hair, but darkens

our skin?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why can't women put

on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why don't you ever see the headline

'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why is 'abbreviated'

such a long word?

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,

and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why isn't there

mouse-flavored cat food?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why do they sterilize

the needle for

lethal injections?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make

the whole plane out

of that stuff?!

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why are they called apartments when they

are all stuck together?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

If flying is so safe,

why do they call the airport, the terminal?

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networkguy
Don't forget the Computer Science version

 

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

 

01001001001000000110010001101111

 

:D

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jer.lawrence

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

 

 

Dear Sir:

 

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

 

# 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

 

# 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

 

# 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

 

* A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

 

* B. Clams don't have teeth.

 

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

 

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

 

Yours in Science,

 

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities

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