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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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Orlando

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange so she decides to do a DNA test.  She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. 

Wife: “Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.” 

Husband: “What’s up?” 

Wife: “According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid.” 

Husband: “Well you don’t remember, do you?  When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.  You said ‘Please go back inside and change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.’  So I went back inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.”

 

Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.

 

 

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art
On ‎11‎/‎16‎/‎2009 at 1:59 PM, foxl said:

 

Boy you are not kidding ... raising my son who is now 6.5 to shoot straight ... URRRRRGH! He uses one bathroom, the other FOUR OF US use the other. :mad:

Should have taught him to use the bath tub

 

Art

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Orlando

Q: What's the difference between 
a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. 
A great lawyer knows the judge.
 

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Orlando

Definition of Nurse : 
A beautiful woman who holds 
your hand for one full minute 
and then expects your pulse 
to be normal.

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Orlando

I found this rather good, in a very British way. I am sure others will be not unamused,

 

  1. At the end of a long and probably very boring meal (at a formal dinner), (British Prime Minister) Macmillan turned to Madame de Gaulle and asked politely what she was looking forward to in her retirement. Quick as a flash the elderly lady replied: “A penis.” Macmillan had been trained all his life never to appear shocked, but even he was a bit taken aback. After drawling out a series of polite platitudes, – “Well, I can see your point of view, don’t have much time for that sort of thing nowadays” – it gradually dawned on him to his intense relief that what the old girl had actually said was “happiness.” – Paul Foot, in the essay A New Definition: The Quality of Life, British Medical Journal, VOLUME 321, DECEMBER 2000.

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Kit

 

 

Black Adder is also one of my favorite things he's done.  :)

 

For anyone who might be curious who I haven't mentioned before, my morning "Wibble" comes from Black Adder.

 

 

 

In other words, I've gone insane, can I go home now?

 

Edited by Kit

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Carol_42

Subject: Always Double Check The Email Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.  Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

 

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the e-mail to the wrong address.

 

Meanwhile . . . somewhere in Houston . . . a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

 

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
______________________________________________________________

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have Arrived!

 

Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 

PS: Sure is freaking hot down here!

Edited by Carol_42

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Carol_42

The Toilet Seat

 

....My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the

wooden seat on our toilet.  Finally I got around to doing it while Julie

was out shopping.  After finishing I left to take care of another matter

before she returned.

 

She came home and prepared to take a shower.  Before getting in the shower

she got undressed and then sat on the toilet.  As she tried to stand up she

realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet

seat.

 

About that time I got home and realized her predicament  We both pushed

and pulled without any success whatsoever.  Finally in desperation I undid

the toilet seat bolts.  Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove

her to the hospital emergency room.

 

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her

(Try to get a mental picture of this).  Julie tried to lighten the

embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never

seen anything like this before."

 

The Doctor replied, "Actually I've seen lots of them.. I just never saw

one mounted and framed."

Edited by Carol_42

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Hammer

I got the same thing Lee.  Orlando, that link is just a site to join Gmail.  I don't get how that is summer at the beach.(maybe the link is the wrong link?)

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Orlando
1 hour ago, Hammer said:

I got the same thing Lee.  Orlando, that link is just a site to join Gmail.  I don't get how that is summer at the beach.(maybe the link is the wrong link?)

Yes, I asked for the link to be deleted, still no response from any moderator or administrator. Not for the first time, at least for me, the "delete" simply does not work.

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janice21475

"Whovians" ????

 

Don't know what that is but that video was 'perfect.' Loved the teacher. Thanks for the smiles it brought.

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Orlando

The Darwin's" are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the 'Darwin Awards'
are bestowed, honoring the least "evolved" among us.



       
The honorable mentions:

       10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
       on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he
            bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
       curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. 
  A police
       spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline,
            but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
       mistake. 
  The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying
       that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


          9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
            Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
          demanded cash. 
  The clerk turned him down because he said he
          couldn't open the cash register without a food order. 
  When the man
            ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
            breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away.  [*A 5-STAR
          STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]


       8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
       grabbed her purse and ran. 
  The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
            woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
       Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. 
  They put him in
       the car and drove back to the store.  
  The thief was then taken out
       of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.  
  To which he
       replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. 
  That's the lady I stole the
            purse from."


       7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided
            that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
       grab some booze, and run. 
  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved
       it over his head at the window. 
  The cinder block bounced back and
            hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. 
  The
       liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. 
  The whole event was
       caught on videotape...

            6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
            counter, and asked for change. 
   When the clerk opened the cash
       drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
       register, which the clerk promptly provided. 
  The man took the cash
            from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. 
  The
            total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
  [If someone
       points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

          

            5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
       head wounds received from an oncoming train.
  When asked how he
       received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
            to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he
       was hit.

 

       4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
            driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
       transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. 
  Not wanting to
       admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
            offered everyone waiting there a free ride. 
  He then delivered the
       passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
       patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The
            deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


       3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
       during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
       woman had taken the space. 
  Understandably, he shot her.


       2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
       cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a
            claim to his insurance company. 
  The company expecting negligence
       sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. 
  He tried the
       machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved. 

 Here is the glorious winner:

         1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
       victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would-be
       robber John Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.  He
       peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. 
  This time it
       worked.

 

 

 

 

 

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