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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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Orlando

Oh How this hits home .........

 

 

A sweet grandmother
telephoned   St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
 
"Is it possible to speak to someone 
Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

 

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. 
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

 

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

 

The operator replied,  "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

 

After a few minutes,  the operator returned to the phone and said,  "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

 

The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. 
God bless you for the good news."

 

The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

 

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shoot."

 

TRUE STORY...

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Orlando

Shoot was not the word in the version I posted , it was TIHS so please just read this word backwards and you will better get the spirit of things.

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buddy7
7 hours ago, janice21475 said:

Ester set the precedent. 

Piss myself laughing. Good humor.

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Orlando

LONELY ETHEL

 

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th birthday; she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age and so decided to risk an adventure.

 She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

 She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

 He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs.

 She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

 "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded so sexy!

 Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage.  I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one."

 Then she hesitated: "No, wait, I should be straight with you.  I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hot, and I want it now. 

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go at it all night ... tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!  Now how does that sound?"

 He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

 

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Orlando


COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to
handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot
of improvement!
 

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Orlando


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

 

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Orlando

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet

____________________________________________

·       “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

·       Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

·       Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle

·       Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

·       Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night...I still have a bit between my teeth.

·       A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

·       Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

·       "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... “AND THEY'RE OFF!"

·       Tesco now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

·       Said to the missus, “These Tesco burgers give me the trots...

·       "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

·       A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?"  Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

·       I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

·       These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit...Talk about flogging a dead horse.

·       Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.

·       Instead of choosing “rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show”

At first, I thought, “Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on.”

 

 

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buddy7

Well Orlando, love the jovial puns and your exuberant humour, on the Tesco post, as a rule, not a big comedy fan, but for some months now I’ve followed quite a few of your funny post, and have to say kind-of gotten use to them, see no reason why I should stop viewing them now. Some very funny post indeed.

 

However, comedy has to be perceived for what it really is. “COMEDY”. Characterized by its humorous or satirical tone and its depiction of amusing people or incidents, in which the characters ultimately triumph over adversity. Just to make a point, Tesco is one of the UK's biggest supermarket chain, (but you know that) been a customer with them since 1973 mostly on a weekly basis, and taking the comedy out of the script, I had never encountered any of those shenanigans since I’ve been shopping with Tesco.

 

Sorry, Orlando, with my greatest respects. It’s probably me, got a little over sensitive about the horse meat thing: Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. So we’re not confused, I do know what’s an hors-d'oeuvre is, an appetizer or starter is a small dish served before the main meal.

 

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Orlando
8 hours ago, buddy7 said:

Well Orlando, love the jovial puns and your exuberant humour, on the Tesco post, as a rule, not a big comedy fan, but for some months now I’ve followed quite a few of your funny post, and have to say kind-of gotten use to them, see no reason why I should stop viewing them now. Some very funny post indeed.

 

However, comedy has to be perceived for what it really is. “COMEDY”. Characterized by its humorous or satirical tone and its depiction of amusing people or incidents, in which the characters ultimately triumph over adversity. Just to make a point, Tesco is one of the UK's biggest supermarket chain, (but you know that) been a customer with them since 1973 mostly on a weekly basis, and taking the comedy out of the script, I had never encountered any of those shenanigans since I’ve been shopping with Tesco.

 

Sorry, Orlando, with my greatest respects. It’s probably me, got a little over sensitive about the horse meat thing: Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. So we’re not confused, I do know what’s an hors-d'oeuvre is, an appetizer or starter is a small dish served before the main meal.

 

Hey man. I was just "horsing around"

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Orlando

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. So I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender ‘What’s the WIFI password?’

 

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

 

Me: “Okay, I’ll have a beer”. 

 

Bartender: “We have Negra Modello on tap”. 

 

Me: “Sure.  How much is that”? 

 

Bartender:  “$8.00”.

 

Me: “Ok. Here you are. What’s the WIFI password”?

 

Bartender:youneedtobuyadrinkfirst. No spaces and all lowercase”.

 

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Orlando

 

A blonde heard that a bath in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her  milkman to leave her 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman reads the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably

Meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons

of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?

The blonde said “No I want 25 gallons . I’m going to fill my  bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.

The milkman asked “Do you want it pasteurized?”

 

The blonde said “No, just up to my tits... I can splash it on my eyes !”. .            

 


 

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Kit

I really can't believe I've not run into this before.

 

 

 

And, if you want more

 

 

 

Apparently he's also done a book.

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Orlando

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."


If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again.
Men will get it the first time.

 

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Orlando

The hitch hiker,

 

I recently picked up a hitch-hiker. He seemed a nice guy. 

 

After a few miles he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?

 

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

 

He got out the next time I had to stop.

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

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adiantum
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question ....
                                                   
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married  again?"
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
                                                   
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you  like being married?"
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Of  course I do...”
                                                   
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?”
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
                                                   
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
                                                   
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
                                                   
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house...”
                                                   
WIFE: "Would you sleep with  her in our bed?"
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
                                                   
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
                                                   
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
                                                   
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
                                                   
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
                                                   
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
                                                   
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you"?
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
                                                   
WIFE: "Would you let her use my clubs"?
                                                   
HUSBAND: "No."
                                                   
WIFE: "Why not"?
                                                   
HUSBAND: "Because she's left-handed".
                                                   
WIFE:   -- silence --

HUSBAND:  "shlt "
 
 

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adiantum
To speak well .......
 
 
Knowing how to say things is an art!
I gave a friend a phone call, and I asked him what he was doing
He replied that he was working on: "The aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel in a controlled environment".
I was very impressed!!!
And, to understand better, I asked him for clarification and he told me that in fact "He was washing the dishes in hot water ... under the supervision of his wife."
What a beautiful language!

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adiantum
Swimwear 
When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. 
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a Figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice. She can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia ..... Or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands. 
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are
protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. 
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror! My
boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it!!!!! The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
Swimwear 
When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. 
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a Figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice. She can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia ..... Or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands. 
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are
protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. 
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror! My
boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it!!!!! The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. 
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit....a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too .. I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a T-shirt!
 

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adiantum

This is a true story of road rage  but   a girl  just  has to laugh at such a loser...

 

" If you’re going to break the law, it’s probably best not to do it in front of police officers.

But – in a classic case of picking the wrong targets – Thomas Harris did just that at the weekend, when he unleashed a foul-mouthed tirade at two cyclists on a Jamberoo road.

 

Harris wouldn’t have known at the time that he was venting his anger at two boys in blue, but the Mercury can reveal the Lycra-clad duo were in fact off-duty cops.

Mobile phone vision of the encounter, filmed by Harris, showed the 27-year-old hurling abuse at the pair as they rode two abreast on Swamp Road and he drove along a shared path next to them.

“What's the point of us spending this money if you’re not going to use it [the shared path], you f---ing d---heads,” an irate Harris, from Albion Park, shouted

“Pull over, so I can have a chat,” one cyclist responded. 

“F--k off, f---ing idiot. Use the f---ing bike track, you dumb c—t,” Harris yelled back.

The incident happened about 8.20am on Australia Day and the footage was posted to Harris’ Instagram account.

The video has since been shared on various social media platforms and viewed millions of times.

Harris was interviewed by Lake Illawarra police on Monday night and issued a future court attendance notice for using his phone while driving, offensive language, and for driving on the path.

Despite many online commentators suggesting the cyclists were required by law to use the shared path, Acting Inspector Lee Ingmire said that was not the case.

“The two cyclists, from the video, appear to be abiding by the road rules,” Inspector Ingmire said.

NSW road rules stipulate cyclists can ride two abreast on a road, but no more than 1.5 metres apart.

Cyclists are required to use a “marked bicycle lane”, unless impracticable to do so. 

https://www.theherald.com.au/story/5879322/cop-that-f-king-d-head-cyclists-were-off-duty-policemen/?cs=7

 

 

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adiantum

SPIN , THE AUSTRALIAN WAY 


Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree.

She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. 
  
Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor. 

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail.   
 

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. 

Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.' 



So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd. 
 




Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following for her genealogy research: 

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.
 
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.. 

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. 

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force.
 
 

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." 


NOW That's how it's done, Folks!

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adiantum

Free haircut.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

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adiantum

As I get older

 

1< /b>- I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

 

2- I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

 

3- I don't need anger management. I need People to stop pissing me off.

 

4- My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

 

5- The biggest lie I t ell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

 

6- I have days when my life is just a Tent away from a Circus.

 

7- These days, "on time" is when I get there.< /p>

 

8- Even Duct Tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

 

9- Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the Dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

 

10- Lately, I've noticed People my age are so much older than me.

 

11- "Getting lucky" means walking into a Room and remembering why I'm there.

 

12- When I was a Child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

 

13- Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of Bed.

 

14- I thought growing old would take longer.

 

15- Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

 

16- I still haven't learned to act my age.

 

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