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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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don1942

For elderly NY spots team fans:

 

Who played for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the NY Rangers, and the NY Nicks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gladys Goodding - the organist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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adiantum

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took her  money.

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adiantum

 CONTACT WITH THE OTHER SIDE
 
 A FATHER PUT HIS 3 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TO BED, TOLD HER A STORY AND
 LISTENED TO HER PRAYERS WHICH ENDED BY SAYING, "GOD BLESS MOMMY, GOD
 BLESS DADDY, GOD BLESS GRANDMA AND GOOD-BYE GRANDPA.

 THE FATHER ASKED, "WHY DID YOU SAY GOOD-BYE GRANDPA?"... THE LITTLE
 GIRL SAID, "I DON'T KNOW DADDY, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE THE THING TO DO"
 
 THE NEXT DAY GRANDPA DIED. THE FATHER THOUGHT IT WAS A STRANGE
 COINCIDENCE.

 A FEW MONTHS LATER THE FATHER PUT THE GIRL TO BED AND LISTENED TO
 HER PRAYERS WHICH WENT LIKE THIS, "GOD BLESS MOMMY, GOD BLESS DADDY
 AND GOOD-BYE GRANDMA."
 
 THE NEXT DAY THE GRANDMOTHER DIED.
 
 "HOLY CRAP" THOUGHT THE FATHER, "THIS KID IS IN CONTACT WITH THE
OTHER SIDE."

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER WHEN THE GIRL WAS GOING TO BED, THE DAD HEARD
 HER SAY, "GOD BLESS MOMMY AND GOOD-BYE DADDY."
 
 HE PRACTICALLY WENT INTO SHOCK. HE COULDN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT AND GOT
 UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN TO GO TO HIS OFFICE. HE WAS NERVOUS AS A CAT
 ALL DAY, HAD LUNCH AND WATCHED THE CLOCK.
 
 HE FIGURED IF HE COULD GET BY UNTIL MIDNIGHT HE WOULD BE OKAY. HE
 FELT SAFE IN THE OFFICE, SO INSTEAD OF GOING HOME AT THE END OF THE
 DAY HE STAYED THERE, DRINKING COFFEE, LOOKING AT HIS WATCH AND JUMPING
 AT EVERY SOUND. FINALLY MIDNIGHT ARRIVED; HE BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF
 AND WENT HOME.

 WHEN HE GOT HOME HIS WIFE SAID, "I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU WORK SO LATE.
 WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
 
 HE SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, I'VE JUST SPENT THE WORST
 DAY OF MY LIFE."
 
 SHE SAID, "YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY, YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT
 HAPPENED TO ME. THIS MORNING MY GOLF PRO DROPPED DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF
 MY LESSON!"

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Hammer

I was at the dentist's office today, and they had some magazines there to read, so I grabbed a Reader's Digest, which I haven't read in many years, and I went straight to the "Laughter is the best medicine" section.  Two things that I liked were these...."I have been able to keep to my New Year's resolution of making sure that I don't have sex with a Victoria's Secret lingerie model."  The second one was, "those car commercials have grossly overestimated the time I spend driving in deserts and snow covered mountainous areas."

Edited by Hammer

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adiantum

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
 
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine"
-----------------------------------
 
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
-----------------------------------
 
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
-----------------------------------
 
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
 
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

 

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
 
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
 
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------------
 
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
 
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
 
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
 
A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching you yesterday."
 
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

 

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Hammer

I don't know if I posted this before, but I went back and looked at a lot of pages in this forum and I didn't see it, so I thought that I'd post it.  I think this is really funny, but maybe others won't think so.  This was a well orchestrated practical joke.

 

 

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adiantum

RETIRED HUSBAND
 

  
 
After Leonard retired, Jan  insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men; Leonard found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, Jan is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday Jan received the following letter, from the local Walmart:
 
  
 
Dear Mrs. Johnson:
 
  
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
 
  
 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
 
  
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
  
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
  
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
  
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
 
  
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
  
 
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
  
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
  
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
 
  
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
  
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
  
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
 
  
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
 
  
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
  
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;  OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
  
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
 
  
 
And last, but not least:
 
  
 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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IrinaHarr

@adiantum - I laughed till I cried, I did work in one of these Walmart departments you know. Tomato juice is my fave 🤣

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adiantum

Number One Idiot

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.  Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $140.00 and a photo of his car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140.00.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $140.00.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.  At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the first robber shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some bock pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Eight
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert Out There!  They walk among us...they reproduce...they vote...and a lot of them hold public office!

 

 

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janice21475

A recent study has found that

women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

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OneEye

Chicks...gotta love 'em!

 

Let's say a biker named OneEye is attracted to a chick named Donna. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

 

And then, one evening when they're ridin' home, a thought occurs to Donna, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

 

And then there's a silence in the wind. To Donna, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

 

And OneEye's thinkin': Damn. Six months?

 

And Donna is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this guy?

 

And OneEye's thinkin': So, that means it was... let's see... August when we started going out, which was right after I put in new clutch discs and a new primary chain, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa, I'm way overdue for a freakin' oil change here.

 

And Donna is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

 

And OneEye's thinkin': You know, I think I'm gonna up this puppy to a 6-speed. Packin' this chick around just screws up my shift points; gotta wind it out more or there's too much of a lug after shifting. Yeah...I'm gonna do that!

 

And Donna is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

 

And OneEye's thinkin': Might as well drop that tranny sprocket down a tooth, too. And get here a bigger seat while I'm at it. She really puts the groceries away when we're at Denny's!

 

And Donna is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting behind a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

 

And OneEye's thinkin': Wonder why that is...you know...chicks just seem to blow up after awhile. Maybe I oughta find one of those chicks that stick their finger down their throat after a hearty meal and save myself the anticipation!

 

"Oneeye!" Donna shouts into his helmet.

 

"What?" says Oneeye, startled.

 

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

 

"What?" says OneEye.

 

"I'm such a fool," Donna sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

 

"There's no horse?" says OneEye.

 

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Donna says.

 

"No!" says OneEye, hoping that's the correct answer.

 

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Donna says.

 

There's a long pause while OneEye, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. "Um...okay!" he says.

 

Donna, deeply moved, hugs herself tight up against OneEye. "Oh, OneEye, do you really feel that way?" she asks.

 

"What way?" asks OneEye.

 

"That way about time," says Donna.

 

"Oh," says OneEye. "Yes."

 

Donna leans way around to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, OneEye," she says.

 

"Thank you," says OneEye (with a candid eyeroll)

 

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

 

When OneEye gets back to his house, he snaps open a cold Corona, turns on the TV, and immediately gets into the football playoffs. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there on the bike, but he's pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

 

The next day Donna will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

 

Meanwhile, OneEye, while adjusting the new clutch on his Harley with Fast Eddy, Donna's brother, will look up from the bike, frown, and say, "Hey, Eddy, um...did Donna ever own a horse?"

 

 

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OneEye

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in Oakland and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the sidecar?" This huge Hells Angel, his body hair growing out through the seams of his tank top, turns slowly on his stool, looks down at the quivering little man and says, "It's my dog. Why?"

 

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

 

"What?" roared the Hells Angel in disbelief. "What the F kinda dog you got?"

 

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

 

"Bull$#it!" roares the Hells Angel, "How could your puppy kill MY Doberman?"

 

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

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OneEye


Skidmark, an ex-biker, still drank pretty regular with his old ridin' buddies at the local watering hole. The bar just happened to be a half block from his house so it was a good bet you'd see him there almost every night.

 

One night, after too many pitchers of beer, Skid' decides it's time to head home. He stands up, takes one step and falls right to the floor. Couple of his ridin' buddies walk over and lift Skid' to his feet and put him back in his chair. "Thanks, yous guys are the best" says Skid' in a thankful tone. A few minutes later he stands back up and falls right to the floor again. This time, his buddies pick him up, sit him back in his chair and offer to drive him home.

 

"Nah, that's OK guys, ol' Skid's got it covered." He stands up one more time and goes right to the floor again. "Listen, man" says one of his buddies. "Let us give you a ride home." Skid' starts crawling for the door and says, "If ya' wanna give me a hand, open the door for me."

 

Skid' crawls out to a light post in front of the bar, pulls himself to his feet, tries taking a step and goes right to the pavement. He thinks to himself for a second -- "This $#it is gettin' old" -- and decides since his house is only a half block away, screw it, he'll just crawl the rest of the way.

 

Next morning he wakes up on the floor of his apartment with a pounding headache and blood all over his elbows. "I hear you got falling down drunk again at the bar last night" says his ol' lady, from the kitchen. He raises his head up and says, "Oh, mornin' baby". Then he thinks, how the heck did she know he was out drinkin'? "Say, baby, how'd you know I was out drinkin' last night anyway. Did I smell like beer when I came home?"

 

His ol' lady comes walking into the room slipping her coat on and jingling the car keys in her hand and says, "The bar called this morning. You left your wheelchair there again."

 

 

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Hammer

This police officer pulls over this elderly couple.  The police officer walks up to the car, and asks the the old man for his driver's license.

Old lady sitting next to the old man, apparently hard of hearing yells:  "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

 

Old man yelling back:  "HE ASKED ME FOR MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!"

 

The old man gives the officer his driver's license.  The officer looks at the driver's license and says:  "I see you are from Springfield."

 

Old woman yelling:  "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

 

Old man turns to the old woman and says, "HE SAYS THAT HE SEES THAT WE ARE FROM SPRINGFIELD!"

 

The cop says to the old man...."Years ago, I dated a woman from Springfield, and she was the worst sex partner that I've ever had."

 

Old woman yelling:  "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

 

Old Man yelling:  "HE SAID THAT HE MIGHT KNOW YOU!"

Edited by Hammer

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adiantum
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. 
The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings 
were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

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don1942

Did you hear about the cheese factory that burned down in France?

 

Left a lot of de Brie. 

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adiantum

Don this has stumped me  & I often have to explain my jokes.

so google to the rescue.

Brie means marshland....so perhaps the fire burnt the factory to the ground allowing it to return to nothing but marshland?

 

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