Jump to content
Diabetes forums
  • Welcome To Diabetes Forums!

    Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today to contribute and support the site.

Hammer

A Thread For Humor

Recommended Posts

don1942

For elderly NY spots team fans:

 

Who played for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the NY Rangers, and the NY Nicks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gladys Goodding - the organist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
adiantum

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took her  money.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
adiantum

 CONTACT WITH THE OTHER SIDE
 
 A FATHER PUT HIS 3 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TO BED, TOLD HER A STORY AND
 LISTENED TO HER PRAYERS WHICH ENDED BY SAYING, "GOD BLESS MOMMY, GOD
 BLESS DADDY, GOD BLESS GRANDMA AND GOOD-BYE GRANDPA.

 THE FATHER ASKED, "WHY DID YOU SAY GOOD-BYE GRANDPA?"... THE LITTLE
 GIRL SAID, "I DON'T KNOW DADDY, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE THE THING TO DO"
 
 THE NEXT DAY GRANDPA DIED. THE FATHER THOUGHT IT WAS A STRANGE
 COINCIDENCE.

 A FEW MONTHS LATER THE FATHER PUT THE GIRL TO BED AND LISTENED TO
 HER PRAYERS WHICH WENT LIKE THIS, "GOD BLESS MOMMY, GOD BLESS DADDY
 AND GOOD-BYE GRANDMA."
 
 THE NEXT DAY THE GRANDMOTHER DIED.
 
 "HOLY CRAP" THOUGHT THE FATHER, "THIS KID IS IN CONTACT WITH THE
OTHER SIDE."

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER WHEN THE GIRL WAS GOING TO BED, THE DAD HEARD
 HER SAY, "GOD BLESS MOMMY AND GOOD-BYE DADDY."
 
 HE PRACTICALLY WENT INTO SHOCK. HE COULDN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT AND GOT
 UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN TO GO TO HIS OFFICE. HE WAS NERVOUS AS A CAT
 ALL DAY, HAD LUNCH AND WATCHED THE CLOCK.
 
 HE FIGURED IF HE COULD GET BY UNTIL MIDNIGHT HE WOULD BE OKAY. HE
 FELT SAFE IN THE OFFICE, SO INSTEAD OF GOING HOME AT THE END OF THE
 DAY HE STAYED THERE, DRINKING COFFEE, LOOKING AT HIS WATCH AND JUMPING
 AT EVERY SOUND. FINALLY MIDNIGHT ARRIVED; HE BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF
 AND WENT HOME.

 WHEN HE GOT HOME HIS WIFE SAID, "I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU WORK SO LATE.
 WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
 
 HE SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, I'VE JUST SPENT THE WORST
 DAY OF MY LIFE."
 
 SHE SAID, "YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY, YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT
 HAPPENED TO ME. THIS MORNING MY GOLF PRO DROPPED DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF
 MY LESSON!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hammer

I was at the dentist's office today, and they had some magazines there to read, so I grabbed a Reader's Digest, which I haven't read in many years, and I went straight to the "Laughter is the best medicine" section.  Two things that I liked were these...."I have been able to keep to my New Year's resolution of making sure that I don't have sex with a Victoria's Secret lingerie model."  The second one was, "those car commercials have grossly overestimated the time I spend driving in deserts and snow covered mountainous areas."

Edited by Hammer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
adiantum

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
 
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine"
-----------------------------------
 
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
-----------------------------------
 
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
-----------------------------------
 
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
 
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

 

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
 
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
 
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------------
 
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
 
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
 
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
 
A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching you yesterday."
 
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hammer

I don't know if I posted this before, but I went back and looked at a lot of pages in this forum and I didn't see it, so I thought that I'd post it.  I think this is really funny, but maybe others won't think so.  This was a well orchestrated practical joke.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
adiantum

RETIRED HUSBAND
 

  
 
After Leonard retired, Jan  insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men; Leonard found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, Jan is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday Jan received the following letter, from the local Walmart:
 
  
 
Dear Mrs. Johnson:
 
  
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
 
  
 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
 
  
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
  
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
  
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
  
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
 
  
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
  
 
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
  
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
  
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
 
  
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
  
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
  
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
 
  
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
 
  
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
  
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;  OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
  
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
 
  
 
And last, but not least:
 
  
 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IrinaHarr

@adiantum - I laughed till I cried, I did work in one of these Walmart departments you know. Tomato juice is my fave 🤣

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.