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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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ljjhouser

OK -

A lady gets on the bus with her toddler. After paying on the way down the isle, a man makes the comment

"My God lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen"

the lady continues to a seat where she is upset and complains to the passenger next to her.

"I can't believe that man said my baby was ugly - I am so upset"

 

In response, the passenger seated next to her said

"I don't think that is right. You should go tell him what you think about that!"

The lady thinks about it, then

"Well, I think I will"

The passenger says

"Good for you. You go tell him off and I'll take care of your monkey!"

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Granny Shanny

A group of 40-something buddies schedule a ten-year reunion and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have nice breasts and wear low-cut blouses.

 

Ten years later, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine cellar is well stocked.

 

Now in their 60s, the buddies plan another group reunion, and once again they discuss and discuss where to hold the banquet. Finally it is agreed that they should gather at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

 

Another ten years ensues; the group plans another reunion and once again they discuss and discuss the choices of restaurant. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

 

Ten years later, the 80-something buddies meet again to plan their reunion banquet, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed that meeting at the Gausthof zum Lowen would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

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ljjhouser
Blonde jokes? Okay, here goes....A blonde woman decides to earn extra money by going door to door to see if anyone needs any odd jobs done. She comes to one house and asks the guy if he has any odd jobs that she can do. He says, yes he does. He wants his porch painted, and he has the paint.

 

She says that she'll be happy to paint his porch, so the guy hires her. After about and hour, the blonde walks into the house and tells the guy that she has finished. The guy finds it hard to believe that she's finished in less than an hour, and he asks her if she painted two coats, and she said she did.

 

He pays her and as she's leaving, she turns back to the guy and say, "Oh, by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari!"

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

 

A plane takes off for New York, and once the "Fasten Seat Belt" light goes off, this beautiful blonde gets up from her seat in coach, and walks up front and sits in a seat in the first class area.

 

The stewardess walks up to this woman and tells her that she can't sit there, and she has to go back and sit in her seat in coach, since she didn't pay for a first class seat. The blonde says, "Hey, I'm blonde and I'm beautiful! I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!"

 

The stewardess gets up and walks up to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot what is going on. The co-pilot walks back to the blonde and tells her that since she didn't pay for a first class seat, she has to go back to the coach section.

 

Again the blonde says, "Look, I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving!"

 

The co-pilot walks back to the cabin and tells the pilot that he needs to radio ahead and have the police waiting to arrest this woman since she won't go back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot turns around and sees the woman, and says, "Nah, she's a blonde. My ex-wife was a blonde. You need to know how to talk to them. I'll handle this."

 

The pilot walks back to the blonde, sits next to her, and whispers something in her ear. Without saying a word, the blonde gets up and goes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot then walks back to the cabin.

 

The co-pilot and stewardess are impressed. The co-pilot says, "That was amazing! She just got up and walked back to her seat without the slightest complaint! What did you say to her?"

 

"It was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

STILL LAUGHING - how funny THANKS FOR THIS ONE. LOL Larry

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Hammer

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'

The Princess said, ‘NO!!!'

 

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

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fgummett

Once Upon A Time... there was a nerd who was out walking in the sunshine (hey it's a fantasy tale)... he finds a frog by a lily pond. He picks up the frog who says to him "I am really a Princess who has been bewitched and turned into a frog! If you kiss me I will turn back into a beautiful Princess!"

 

The nerd goes to put the frog in his pocket and walk away but the Princess pleads with him "I am really really a Princess who has been bewitched and turned into a frog! If you kiss me I will turn back into a beautiful Princess and my Father the King will reward you handsomely!"

 

He pauses for a moment but again makes to put the frog in his pocket and walk away but the Princess pleads with him yet again "I am really really really a Princess who has been bewitched and turned into a frog! If you kiss me I will turn back into a beautiful Princess, my Father the King will reward you handsomely and... and... I will Marry you!"

 

This makes the nerd stop in his tracks and think for a while... then he says "Well it might be nice to see a beautiful Princess, a reward would come in handy, and marriage would make my Mum happy... BUT on the other hand... a Talking Frog... now that's impressive!" ...at which he puts the frog in his pocket and walks off.

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janice21475

Original List:

 

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

 

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

 

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

 

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

 

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

 

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

 

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

 

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

 

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

 

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

 

1. Breathing.

2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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Hammer

3-year-old Reese :

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

 

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

" Ryan , you be Jesus !"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Hammer

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

 

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.

 

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

 

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

 

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

 

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

 

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

 

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

 

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

 

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

 

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

 

11. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

 

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

 

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

 

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

 

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

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Hammer

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

' Because I said so, that's why.'

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

 

7. My mother taught me IRONY

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

'Stop acting like your father!'

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until we get home.'

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

 

19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

 

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

 

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

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howdysf

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free beer?".. Bartender says, "sure, if it's really amazing." So the guy pulls a frog out of his pocket and a little piano. All of a sudden the frog starts playing the piano and singing! Bartender says, "wow that was amazing, here's your free beer."

 

After while the guy finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey if I show you something more amazing than that, can I have another free beer?" Bartender says, "buddy, you show me something more amazing than that and you can drink for free all night!" So the guy pulls out the frog and the piano and a little mouse... the frog starts playing the piano and now the mouse starts singing show tunes. The bartender, amazed, says "drinks are on me all night."

 

While all this was going on a guy in the corner of the bar has been watching this... He walks up to the guy and tells him he's an entertainment exec in New York. He tells the guy he wants to buy his act off of him for $100,000... The guy says, "no way, I'll never sell this act!" The entertainment exec says, "come on, I gotta have it!" The guy say, "I'll tell ya what, for $100K I'll sell you the mouse." The entertainment exec agrees and goes to the bank and gives the guy cash. After the transaction is complete the exec takes the mouse and leaves.

 

Bartender says to the guy, "are you crazy? you sold the guy the mouse for $100K? You could have gotten millions for that!"...

 

The guy says, "No, that's ok, the frog is a ventriloquist too!"

 

Wocka Wocka Wocka

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foxl

Many of us 'Old Folks' (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling “young,” we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

 

1. A nose ring and bifocals

 

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

 

3.. A pierced tongue and dentures

 

4. Miniskirts and support hose

 

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

 

6. Speedos and cellulite

 

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

 

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

 

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

 

10. Bikinis and liver spots

 

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

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howdysf

-how do you get a guitarist to turn down his volume?

 

Put sheet music in front of him!

 

-What do you throw to a lead singer that's drowning?

 

His girlfriend!

 

-how can you tell a singer is at the door?

 

He can't find the key!

 

-how can you tell a drummer is at the door?

 

The knock speeds up!

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plattb1
Many of us 'Old Folks' (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling “young,” we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

 

1. A nose ring and bifocals

 

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

 

3.. A pierced tongue and dentures

 

4. Miniskirts and support hose

 

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

 

6. Speedos and cellulite

 

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

 

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

 

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

 

10. Bikinis and liver spots

 

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

 

This is good advice! I guess that means no cleavage & pacemaker, right? Not that I have any real cleavage ... :T

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fgummett

Mention the City of Liverpool -- on the great Mersey River -- and most will instantly think of John, Paul, George and Ringo... but to many others it is equally famous for its wonderful Victorian Zoological gardens... with pride of place in the Liverpool Zoo, belonging to the Australian exhibit; featuring an array of creatures in a re-creation of their native habitat from the land "Down Under".

 

Indeed it is a matter of some considerable local civic honour, that the Liverpool zoo is one of very few places (outside Australia) where they are able to grow Eucalyptus trees... the leaves of which are poisonous to most other animal species, but provide an important source of nourishment for some of the better known marsupial herbivores.

 

Therefore it was with understandable shock and horror that the good people of Liverpool awoke one day to news of a freak accident..! a cargo plane carrying 3,500 tons of various coloured house-paints had exploded in mid-air right over the zoo -- after the crew had all parachuted to safety.

 

Crowds quickly but reverently gathered outside the Zoo gates in anticipation of the worst...

 

but, as luck would have it, the Head-Keeper at the Zoo was able to put to rest any fears regarding the beloved Australian flora and fauna, with an appropriate quote from William Shakespeare...

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"The Koala Trees of the Mersey are not Stain'd"

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It Ain't Over

The young bank trainee, Mr. Chillawack, was straightening his desk when a dog approached him and very politely asked for a loan. Chillawack had him complete an application and after a long and careful review said 'This will require some collateral.'

The dog nodded and left. Later that same day the dog brought in a bag and pulled the contents out.

There was a figurine of a cat, a frog, a horse, and a goat.

Chillawack told him to wait as he would need to review this with the bank manager.

Chillawack carefully picked up the figurines and carried them back to the managers office. He set them out and explained what the dog was asking for.

The bank manager looked them over and said; "These are knick knacks Chillawack, give the dog a loan!" :eek:

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Hammer
I want this for my birthday.

 

Jason, I remember back when I wanted to get my daughter, then 9 years old, a computer. Since the school she was going to had an Apple computer, I got her an Apple II GS, with 16 K of RAM.(they didn't have hard drives back then.) A guy at work was able to order chips for the computers we used at work, so he ordered some RAM chips for me. I installed them into my daughter's computer, and that maxed out her system....1.2MB.

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ShottleBop

A young doctor had moved out to a small Jewish community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

 

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

 

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

 

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

 

"I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

 

"Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

 

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

 

"You've probably been doing too much work for the synagogue," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

 

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

 

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the cantor under the bed."

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