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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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Hammer

I know that I've posted one of these types of videos before, but I've just watched this one, and I laughed so much that my face hurt.  The cousin, who is the passenger, his reactions are what makes this video so funny.

 

 

 

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adiantum

One day a construction worker  dies and finds himself in heck. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... 


Satan: "Why so glum?" 

worker : "What do you think? I'm in heck!" ...


Satan: "heck's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" 

Worker : "Sure, I love to drink." 

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." 

Worker : "Gee that sounds great!" 

Satan: "You a smoker?" 

Worker : "You better believe it." 

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" 

Worker : "Wow...that's awesome!" 

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." 

Worker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." 

Satan: "Good,' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Cr aps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." 

Worker : "Cool!" 

Satan: "What about Drugs?" 

Worker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?" 

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." 

Worker : "Wow! I never realized heck was such a cool place!" 

Satan: "You gay?" 

Worker : "No......" 

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough......"

 

Edited by adiantum

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adiantum

*DARWIN AWARDS’ for 2019*

 

 

                    *Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:*An

                    unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to

                    break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally

                    shot himself to death when the gun discharged,

                    blowing a hole in his gut.

 

                    *Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:*James Burns,

                    34, a mechanic of Alamo, MI* was killed in March as

                    he was trying to repair what police describe as a

                    "farm-type truck."  Burns got a friend to drive the

                    truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so

                    that he could ascertain the source of a troubling

                    noise.  Burns' clothes caught on something, however,

                    and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive

                    shaft."

 

                    *Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:*Ken Charles

                    Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in

                    December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a

                    ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the

                    phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson.38

                    Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

 

                    *Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:*Police said a

                    lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a

                    downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane

                    with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his

                    death.  A police spokesman said Hoy, 39, fell

                    into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank

                    Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the

                    strength of the buildings windows to visiting law

                    students.  Hoy previously has conducted

                    demonstrations of window strength according to

                    police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of

                    the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun

                    newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and

                    brightest" members of the 200-man association. A

                    person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this

                    law firm are like.

 

 

                    *Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:*Michael

                    Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting

                    South Carolina's electric chair on a murder

                    conviction before having his sentence reduced to

                    life in prison.  While sitting on a metal toilet in

                    his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit

                    into a wire and was electrocuted.

 

                    *Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:*A Dunkirk

                    man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel

                    of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the

                    weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's

                    investigators said.  Gregory David Pryor, 19, died

                    in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30

                    PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54

                    Calibre muzzle loader that had not been firing

                    properly.  He was using the lighter to look into the

                    barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

 

                    *Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:*A

                    man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his

                    condominium in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell

                    23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was

                    standing on a wheelchair when the accident

                    occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel

                    Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved,

                    and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

 

                    *THE WINNER! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:*Two local

                    men were injured when their pickup truck left the

                    road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State

                    Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy

                    Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after

                    midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and

                    Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning

                    to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip.

 

                    On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck

                    headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that

                    the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had

                    burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available,

                    Wallis noticed that the .22 calibre round or

                    cartridges from his pistol fit perfectly into the

                    fuse box next to the steering wheel column.  Upon

                    inserting a round, the headlights again began to

                    operate properly, and the two men proceeded on

                    eastbound toward the White River Bridge.  After

                    traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before

                    crossing the river, the round apparently overheated,

                    discharged and the bullet of the round struck Poole

                    in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right,

                    exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole

                    suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the

                    accident but will require extensive surgery to

                    repair the damage to his testicles, which will never

                    operate as intended.

 

                    Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated

                    and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge

                    when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be

                    dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10

                    years in this part of the world, but this is a first

                    for me. I can't believe that those two would admit

                    how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being

                    notified of the wreck, Poole's wife Lavinia asked

                    how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone

                    get them from the truck.

 

 

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adiantum

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties  
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
 
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
 
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
 
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.
 
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
 
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. 
  
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."
  
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." 
  
Where are you from?"
 
The man replied, "New Brunswick."
 
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."
 
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
 
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
------
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1  Death
 
2.  Taxes; and
 
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer

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Dowling
9 hours ago, Hammer said:

If I think that there is only one superior race, and that race is the human race, does that make me a racist?

No it makes you a superior human

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adiantum


Mick, from?????? , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and
towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's
presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left –
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....  will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a)  Sparrow

b)  Thrush,

c)  Magpie,

d)  Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone
my friend Paddy back home .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.

"xxxxxxx heck, Mick!" cried Paddy. "That's simple...... It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm xxxxxxx sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"That it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo
is the correct answer!

Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy?   How in Heaven's name did you know it was the Cuckoo
that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a xxxxxxx  clock!"

Edited by adiantum

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Hammer

I just got home from the doctor's office, and I saw a new sign on a guy's front lawn that wasn't there before.  At first, I didn't get what it meant until I saw the very bottom.  The sign was colored in red, white and blue, and here's what it said.

 

For those of you who might not know, the 2020 refers to the fact that this is an election year.😃

Edited by Hammer

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adiantum

Grumpy Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

OH YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.   YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.  But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.

The room erupted in applause!

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Hammer

I watch a ton of Youtube videos, and I thought that this one would reverberate among us older members.  This guy doesn't use curse words, and he is funny.  I think that a lot of members here can identify with him.

 

 

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adiantum

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new

Procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. 

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, 

take a deep breath and say,'99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

 

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again,

while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,'99".

 

Again, the old guy says,'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.

 

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

 

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going

to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

 

Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.

 

The old guy begins, "One...

                                two…

                        three…"

 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing! 

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Diana_CT

When my parents were still alive my mother liked reading Reader's Digest and I always read it when they were finished reading it. One of my favorite sections was Humor in Uniform and I have always remembered this one. 

 

A B52 bomber and a fighter were on a long flight over the Atlantic and the fighter pilot said "Watch this!" And he some rolls and other acrobatics.

The bomber pilot said "Yeah watch this!"

After twenty or thirty minutes of the bomber flying straight and doing nothing, the fighter pilot ask what he was going to do?

The bomber pilot answered, that he did it already and the fighter pilot asked what did he do? 

The bomber pilot answered that he went the bathroom and read the newspaper. 

 

For some reason this has stayed with me over the years, maybe because it reminds me that the simple things in life that matters and not the flashy things.

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don1942

A blast from the past. I remember reading Humor in Uniform, but I can’t recall any of the articles. 

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Hammer

A neighbor that I had many years ago, was a Sargeant Major in the marines.  He told me that, he once had a drill instructor pull a prank on an officer who was always stopping his men when they were drilling, to try and yell at them for some minor infraction.  The drill instructor had his men march past this officer during one of their drills, and he had them swing the wrong arm as they were marching.  When you march, you step forward with your left foot, and swing your right arm forward.  He had his men swing the same arm and foot forward at the same time....left arm, left foot, right arm, right foot.  The officer noticed that something was wrong, so he stopped the men.  He had them march again, then stopped them again.  He knew that something was wrong, but he didn't know what it was, so he made up some bogus thing about one of the men had something wrong with his uniform, and the officer walked away.

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