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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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adiantum
I'm told  the hairdresser that lives down the road was raided  last night & was charged with drug possession  .
 
Ive been dealing with her for years & never knew she was a hairdresser.
 
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ran23

walked twice today, down to 92.  happy.   yes, I know, not morning results. 

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halia

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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TX_Clint

I just got around to listening to the 100 year old woman video Hammer posted. It's the best I've heard in years!! LMAO

 

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Hammer

I'm sure that most of you have heard of Steven Wright, but if you haven't, here is his first time on national TV, on the Johnny Carson show.  He does have a different sense of humor.

 

 

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Hammer

Don't ever go into a library and ask for a book on how to commit suicide, because the librarian won't give it you, since she knows that you won't bring it back.

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halia
On 4/8/2021 at 11:54 AM, Hammer said:

I'm sure that most of you have heard of Steven Wright, but if you haven't, here is his first time on national TV, on the Johnny Carson show.  He does have a different sense of humor.

 

 

Classic old jokes are still the best!

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adiantum

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandparents for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa,
what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandpa, it isn't Called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you

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adiantum

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us I think that this one has gone around before…but good for a Laugh anyway..

 

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. 

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. 

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adiantum
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
 
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
 
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
 
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs...
 
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

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don1942

During a heavy fog, the captain of a large ship gets a radio message that he should change course in order to avoid a collision. The captain radios back that he is the captain of a large ocean liner and that the other should change his course. The other person radios back that he is only an ensign and recommends that the captain should change his course because he is the keeper of a lighthouse.

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