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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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Hammer

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow

when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80%

of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth

buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

 

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate

the cr4p out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas. The older they get,

the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done

to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but

you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet,

smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't

believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their

clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take

soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run

at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you,

but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know

when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12! . Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look

at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good

ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

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Delphinus
Jason, I remember back when I wanted to get my daughter, then 9 years old, a computer. Since the school she was going to had an Apple computer, I got her an Apple II GS, with 16 K of RAM.(they didn't have hard drives back then.) A guy at work was able to order chips for the computers we used at work, so he ordered some RAM chips for me. I installed them into my daughter's computer, and that maxed out her system....1.2MB.

 

Oh yeah, those were the days. :D

post-17431-139628776564_thumb.jpg

post-17431-139628776566_thumb.jpg

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Hammer

> Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of

> her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who

> thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood

> up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No,

> ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

> * * * * * * * * * * *

> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on

> her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself

> beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a

> tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

> * * * * * * * * * * *

> The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

> She called on him and said,

> 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied,

> 'NBC, FOX , ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

> * * * * * * * * * * *

> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local

> police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the

> 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and

> asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the

> policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny

> asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

> * * * * * * * * * * *

> Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father... He watched as

> his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the

> horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad,

> why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying

> horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before

> I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to

> buy Mom .'

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janice21475
> Little Johnny's at it again.....

> The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

> She called on him and said,

> 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied,

> 'NBC, FOX , ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 

That was rich!

 

Thank you! :)

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Hammer

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

 

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

 

 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

 

 

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

 

1) Argued over nothing.

 

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

 

3) Gained weight.

 

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

 

5) Became overly emotional

 

6) Couldn't drive.

 

7) Failed to think rationally, and

 

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

 

No further testing was considered necessary!!

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Hammer

A woman asks her

husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon

and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice

and coffee?

 

 

He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

It's this Viagra," he says. "It's

really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

 

At lunchtime, she

asked him if he would like something. "How about

a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese

sandwich?"

 

He declines.

"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my

desire for food."

 

Come dinnertime,

she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a

juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or

maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

 

 

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be

the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

 

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm

starving!!!"

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gettingby

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.

I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago,

I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming

a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with

his blood on my new white blouse as well!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and

to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

 

What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

 

Well, gotta go, I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

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Hammer

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death.

 

 

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

 

 

True to his word, he made the first contact:

 

 

 

 

 

 

" Marion ... Marion "

 

 

"Is that you, Bob?"

 

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

 

 

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

 

 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,

 

 

then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

 

 

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

 

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

 

 

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

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Hammer

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

 

 

Ever wonder why?

 

 

 

It's because she smells like a new truck!

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Hammer

A blonde said, 'I was worried that my

Mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all

I needed was turn signal fluid.'

 

 

Definition of a teenager?

God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

 

 

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.

The seat folded up, the drink spilled and

That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

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genie86333
A blonde said, 'I was worried that my

Mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all

I needed was turn signal fluid.'

 

LOL. My ex used to pull up next to random people at stop lights, roll his window down & tell them their turn signal fluid was low. You'd be surprised how many people would say "Oh, thanks!" before realizing (if they even did) what he'd just said.

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Hammer

2010 CENSUS for the SOUTH

 

 

 

 

 

Last name: ____________ ____

 

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

 

What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Other_______ _________ ___

 

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

 

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

 

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

 

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher

 

Spouse’s Name:_______ _________ _________

2nd Spouse’s Name:_______ _________ ______

3rd Spouse’s Name:_______ _________ ______

Lover’s Name:_______ _________ _________ __

 

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

 

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

 

Mother’s Name: ____________ _________ __(If not sure, leave

blank)

Father’s Name: ____________ _________ __ (If not sure, leave

blank)

Ed ucation: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

 

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check

appropriate box)

 

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

 

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

 

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

 

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

 

Newspapers/magazine s you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

 

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

 

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

 

Color of eyes:

Left______ Right_____

 

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

 

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) None(_)

 

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

 

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a- holler

(_) What's a road?

 

 

I sent mine in already. Have you?

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Hammer
My husband and I have a running joke about getting the brake shoes rotated.

 

Another one that you can use is to ask people if they've changed the air in their tires. Tell them that it's now summer, and they need to change the air, since the winter air is very dry and might cause their tires to dry rot. :D (I've used this on numerous women, and they all fell for it.)

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foxl
when I sprayed way to the right or left my grammy would make me sit and pee like a girl...

 

 

Daniel

 

I LIKE your grammy! :D

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Hammer

To President Bush,

 

I wanted you to know that I thought you were a great president. You were knowledgeable, smart, and well spoken. You knew how to run this country, and you did an excellent job. I think you were one of the greatest president's we have ever had here.

 

I wanted to write you this letter and mail it to you, but the nice people here in white coats wouldn't give me anything sharp to write with.

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