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Hammer

A Thread For Humor

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Hammer

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

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Hammer

Aren't the elderly great?????????????

 

 

 

 

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..

 

 

 

 

He had a large pond in the back.

 

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

 

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

 

Some old men can still think fast

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gettingby

Senior Health Care Solution

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

 

 

 

 

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!:D :T

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Hammer

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

 

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

 

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

 

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

 

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.."

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ljjhouser

An old man and his wife, on an evening drive, pass a neighborhood bar they used to go to 30 years earlier. It is where they met.

 

The old lady says

Remember when we used to go there every Saturday night.

Old man

Oh yes - remember when we used sneak out the back door - back by that fence? Remember what we did and how much fun it was back there?

 

Old lady

Yes, it was fun. Let's go back and sneak back there again just for old times sake!

 

They turned around and went back. In a few minutes, they went back to the fence and took their clothes off, leaned against the fence and went at it.

 

There happened to be a cop and a motorcycle guy on the left side of the building having a smoke, talking. They saw the couple, with such energy and excitement back by the fence. They both looked at each other in amazement. In about 15 minutes, the old couple put on their clothes and went back into the bar.

 

The cop said, I can't believe that after all those years - all that energy. I'm going to ask that old man what his secret is.

 

He did so.

 

The old man looked funny - looked confused. Then he said - I don't know about a secret. But things sure change. 30 years ago, that wasn't an electric fence.

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rak1978

Not quite a joke, but funny and you guys are the only group that can relate.....

 

My six year old daughter just told me that one of the boys in her class got hurt today and licked his blood. She went on to tell him that her mom (me) has diabetes and has to take shots some times and she licks her blood too (referring to finger poking). I wonder how many kids, teachers, or moms overheard that one. Sheesh. :T

 

Kick me off the thread if you guys don't like funny kid stuff/mom stories, otherwise they give me plenty of ammo to unload here.

:)

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janice21475

Hammer, that cat video is great!

 

Rachel, Guess that is not something you want spread around the neighborhood, eh? It is cute that she was trying to make him feel more at ease. I like that. :)

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rak1978

Rachel, Guess that is not something you want spread around the neighborhood, eh? It is cute that she was trying to make him feel more at ease. I like that. :)

 

She is an angel (I'm not biased at all;) ). Sweet to the core. She has always tried to console people. Very compassionate.

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Hammer
Not quite a joke, but funny and you guys are the only group that can relate.....

 

My six year old daughter just told me that one of the boys in her class got hurt today and licked his blood. She went on to tell him that her mom (me) has diabetes and has to take shots some times and she licks her blood too (referring to finger poking). I wonder how many kids, teachers, or moms overheard that one. Sheesh. :T

 

Kick me off the thread if you guys don't like funny kid stuff/mom stories, otherwise they give me plenty of ammo to unload here.

:)

 

Rachel, feel free to post away. I started this thread so people would have a place to post amusing stories, jokes, whatever, instead of having separate threads for funny or amusing things that happened to them. One thread keeps it all in one place.;)

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fgummett

My Mom was a Nurse and it was standard operating procedure when I was a boy that -- unless there was sink/tap close by -- cut fingers went straight into the mouth :T ...probably saved cleaning up a mess on the furniture!

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Gwennie

There were two trees in the woods, a birch and a beech. A new tree was growing. The birch said it was a son of a birch while the beech insisted it was the son of a beech. A woodpecker flew by and landed on the new tree. The birch and the beech asked him to find out whether the new tree was a birch or a beech. He tapped on the tree and declared,

this is not a birch nor a beech, rather the best piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker in.

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foxl
There were two trees in the woods, a birch and a beech. A new tree was growing. The birch said it was a son of a birch while the beech insisted it was the son of a beech. A woodpecker flew by and landed on the new tree. The birch and the beech asked him to find out whether the new tree was a birch or a beech. He tapped on the tree and declared,

this is not a birch nor a beech, rather the best piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker in.

 

Excellent. :D :D :D

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Gwennie
Excellent. :D :D :D

 

Actually, the last line should have been...it is not a son of a beech or a son of a birch, but the best piece of ash i've ever stuck my pecker into.

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Dis-N-Dat
Either this cat is lazy, or it doesn't like the food it's being fed. :D

 

That's priceless! I can't believe the gull took the whole bowl!

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

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Hammer

HOW FIGHTS GET STARTED

 

How Fights Start

 

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.

 

She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

 

I said, 'Dust.'

 

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

 

"No," she answered.

 

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

 

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

 

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

And then the fight started....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

 

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'

 

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

 

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

 

Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's d*mn near perfect.'

 

And then the fight started.....

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foxl

ooooh, Hammer -- teh funneh. Just enough self-demeaning in the voice ... whose are they, do you know?

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Hammer

Linda, no I don't know who they are from. I find some of these posted to another forum that I hang in, so I just repost them here. The original posters never mention where they get them from.

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Gwennie

Well, if Hammer can post that...I'll proceed with some not so tasteful jokes.

 

What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet??

 

 

 

A toilet doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you use it.

 

 

Some construction workers at the top of a scaffolding needed assistance. The one guy whistled, and then pointed towards his eye, then knee and finally to the worker below... signalling "I need you". The worker on the ground dropped his pants, started jacking off, and then climbed the scaffolding. When he got to the top, his co-workers asked "What in the world was that??" He told them "You said 'I need you', I just replied 'I'm coming'".

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plattb1

You know it's 2010 when ...

 

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...

 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .

 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

 

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

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Hammer

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

 

 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

7.Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

8.Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

11.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

 

15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about..

 

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly..

 

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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Hammer

SIXTEEN REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK.

 

1. It's an incentive to show up.

 

2. It leads to more honest communications.

 

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

 

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

 

5. It encourages car pooling.

 

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

 

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

 

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

 

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

 

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

 

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

 

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

 

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

 

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

 

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

 

16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"

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Hammer

PONDERISMS

 

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

 

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its rear end. '

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?.......testicles?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

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