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jambo101

Trying to motivate 19yr old to get a summer job

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jambo101

From the time she was 16 every summer the wife and i have been building the pressure for our daughter to get a summer job,now at 19 is it unreasonable of us to expect her to at least try to look for summer employment.? she just seems totally unmotivated and while we arent yelling at her or threatening to throw her out i think a progression of parenting is to motivate your kids to actually get out there and get a job.At this point all i can think to do is deny some of her privileges and get her doing more chores around the house

I posted this question on another forum and basically got told to leave her alone,if she wants to sit in her pajamas and play video games till September then its her choice..I'm just not comfortable with that line of logic but am at a loss as to what to do...

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks

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Peggy_TX

I saw a great parenting idea the other day....

Parents should change the wifi password every day, with a list of chores necessary to "earn" the day's password.

You might start there?

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Seagal

No, it isn't unreasonable at all to want her to get a summer job, but maybe she should have been doing it when she was 16, so it would be a habit to work in the summer by age 19. Part time work at fast food joints or clerking at retail, or helping in an office seems a natural part of growing up. But, it has been a lot of years since my kids were teens! Things are done a lot differently now.

 

Perhaps if she wants new jeans, or make-up, or purse, she might get a job to get them if they aren't provided?

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JediSkipdogg

She's 19.....who's paying for all her items? I have no problem with free room and board, but besides that, as parents, you shouldn't spend a dime on her.

 

I hope she's paying for her own car or at least the gas if she's sharing a car with someone else. She darn well better be paying for her own insurance, her own cell phone, her own clothing, etc. If she's not, that's where I would start immediately with cutting all of those "perks off." Otherwise all you are doing is teaching her to live off someone else and once she stops living off you, she may figure she can live off the government.

 

If she is paying for all those herself, where's she getting the money to do it?

 

It's time for a reality check for her.

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jambo101

As we live in downtown Montreal she doesnt have or need a car, she lost her cell phone 6 months ago and we told her to buy her own,seems she's living fine without a cell phone,all her electronic gizmos are paid for by her education fund which comes to $5K a year till she's finished school.so other than room and board she doesnt need much,giving her more household chores to do is about all we can do .

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Seagal

I would be concerned that at 19, never having a job, what and how will she forge work ethics or even know what to do in a working environment? Is she studying for a career in something? Are there any part-time jobs in that career choice or if not, perhaps something like an internship where she can see what's what? It is hard to motivate someone who doesn't want to be motivated, but have you discussed these things with your daugter (as an adult, without harping)and does she think they are viable questions?

 

Forgive me if I'm stepping out of bounds, and I'm sure you & your wife have been considering these things for some time, just thought I'd throw it out there.

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jwags

As a mom of 5, I made all my kids work starting at 16. Some babysat, gave tennis lessons, cut grass or worked at Fast Food places. When they went to college they were also expected to work on Campus. The rule in my house was if they lived under my roof, they stayed in College and they worked. One of my sons even worked for a Pest Control Company, crawling in people's attics and crawl spaces. We never gave our kids spending money unless it was an Emergency. I have to say they all turned out to be pretty self reliant adults. Who buys your daughter's clothes? Tell her if she wants new stuff she needs to find, at least, a part time job. Is she in College? Most campuses have lots of work / study programs and jobs on campus.

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izzy

I think that adult children can temporarily live with their parents successfully--under certain conditions. The same rules of conduct are expected to be followed as when they were minors, alcohol, smoking, couch lizard, except for spending money. Zero allowance---and all money earned goes into a s/a as long as they live at home. It's only with strict rules with finances, will they get financially in shape. Waiting table, fast food jobs are always around.

 

what I am seeing in abundance is parents becoming grandparents of not only one baby, but two bables. You'd think it was daughters, but no, it's unemployed sons getting their girlfriends pg, and the grandparents are at the brink of insanity/separation with their household swelling from 1 to 4 children. In both cases the boys were special ed. in school.

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jwags

My baby, the youngest of 5 spent the last 2 years teaching in Spain. We did pay for her flight over and back but everything else she had to pay for herself. She was only making 700 € a month but had to pay for an apsrtment, food, weekend travel, etc. This experience has made her very financially responsible. She comes bsck tomthe stated in the middle of June. We will let her stay with us while she is looking for a full time job. But we won't make it too comfortable for her. If a parent has done a good job the kids will fly away from the nest.

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Sprockets

Our daughter who is now 20 has only had one part time job and it was several years ago. Every parent-child relationship is different. This summer she is living at college, taking 2 classes and doing volunteer work in her field of study which is Occupational Therapy.

 

We told her that her job is to do well in school and we would cover her expenses. She is not a big spender, and doesn't want a lot of excess stuff.

 

At 19, your daughter should be college-aged. Is she starting college in the fall?

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rubidoux

That strikes me is so odd because when I was a kid I couldn't wait to make my own money and get out of my parents house and be independent. I did all that. I actually made more money waiting tables when I was 19 than I have made since, even with my stupid law degree. lol Anyhow, I worked my butt off from about 12 (babysitting, housecleaning at first, then lots of waitressing) until I started law school when I was 27. But I swear to you... I HAVE USED IT ALL UP! I thought I was very ambitious, especially when it came to making money. But I am so over it. I haven't worked in a little more than 10 years now. I've been home taking care of my babies which has been awesome. But now I'm studying for the cali bar and I am only doing it bc you cannot live on sweat and tears alone. I still need to pay my law school loans and hubby and I can't share one car forever. I must do this, but I am not excited.

 

So, who knows what this means for her future. Maybe she's one of the really bright ones who knows that slinging burgers or whatever you can get paid for at that age isn't terribly enriching. lol

 

As a parent, I think I'd want to know what she's doing besides working. If she's just sitting around the house all summer, I'd be worried. If its her last summer at home before college and she's running around with her friends and having a great time, I would feel better about that. If she's volunteering at the homeless shelter, even better, especially if she's going out with her friends on the weekends.

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jambo101

First year of a 4 year geology degree at McGill Starting in September.

I'm thinking if she's too shy or intimidated or lacking in self esteem or motivation to apply for a summer job whats she going to do when college is over and its time for the big jobs and whats she going to say when an interviewer asks her what job experience do you have? Saying sheis 24yrs old and has never worked but can play a mean video game wont portray a solid work ethic to most companies.

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Cormac_Doyle
From the time she was 16 every summer the wife and i have been building the pressure for our daughter to get a summer job,now at 19 is it unreasonable of us to expect her to at least try to look for summer employment.? she just seems totally unmotivated and while we arent yelling at her or threatening to throw her out i think a progression of parenting is to motivate your kids to actually get out there and get a job.At this point all i can think to do is deny some of her privileges and get her doing more chores around the house

I posted this question on another forum and basically got told to leave her alone,if she wants to sit in her pajamas and play video games till September then its her choice..I'm just not comfortable with that line of logic but am at a loss as to what to do...

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

I think there can be a number of factors here.

 

When I went to college, it was cycling distance from the family home, so I didn't move out ... but that didn't stop me getting myself a job every early. I saw my older brother get a job, and then start buying himself things like computers; having money to go out socializing or to see the movies that I wanted to see, that sort of thing. So I got myself a job to be able to do the same. My parents paid for the college tuition; they paid for accomodation and food ... but anything beyond that I had to pay for.

 

If I wanted a game station - I had to find the money. If I wanted games ... same. if I wanted "fancy" toiletries ... same. If I wanted extra clothes or fancy clothes ... same.

 

My parents cared for me, sheltered me, supported me - but they gave me nothing I did not NEED - I had to get a job to get that.

 

It certainly spurred me on to get a job. I bought my first computer at the age of 16 with six MONTHS of savings - where I had saved every penny of the money I was getting working as a bus-boy in a pub every weekend. Bought it in cash. (In Ireland in 1991, the "average full-time worker" earned $25,000 per year before taxes, and the computer I bought was $2,800).

 

If kids get handed everything they WANT (rather than everything they need), why should they pursue anything themselves??

 

However, you don't want to hurt your kids either.

After my marriage collapsed, I actually moved back home for 3 years (and paid "rent" ... actually I paid to put my sister through college in exchange for staying in my old room ...); because I knew that although it wouldn't be a "free ride", it equally wasn't a bad place to be either while I sorted things out financially and personally ...

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Maggiegong

While I generally agree with the view of other parents here about rules and boundaries and the need to promote independence, there was something in what you said that I just honed in on. No cell phone for 6 months and no problem for her? She doesn't need much other than room and board? These are not typical attributes of your average teenager especially one that is past the gawky mid teen years. Does she go out and socialise with friends or is lack of money an excuse? Have a wider look at her patterns of behaviour, yes she could just need some tough love but also be aware that teenage years can be the beginnings of some deeper issues and depression often goes undiagnosed amongst teenagers. Unfortunately things like spending time alone in a bedroom, being antisocial and unmotivated are considered normal in teenagers. They rarely are. Even without depression social insecurities can be crippling for some young people. I don’t want to alarm you but I feel a need to just suggest that you keep a vigilant parental eye out for other possibilities. Hey if I’ve completely misread it please don’t take offence and I hope there’s no harm done in suggesting alternatives. Really hoping she’s just being a bit lazy.

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Sprockets
First year of a 4 year geology degree at McGill Starting in September.

I'm thinking if she's too shy or intimidated or lacking in self esteem or motivation to apply for a summer job whats she going to do when college is over and its time for the big jobs and whats she going to say when an interviewer asks her what job experience do you have? Saying sheis 24yrs old and has never worked but can play a mean video game wont portray a solid work ethic to most companies.

 

Let me share the last couple of years as it applies to my 20 year old daughter. It ends well.

 

The summer after she graduated high school she did not work. She did apply to a few places, but really didn't try. We took a couple of short family trips that summer, and between orientations and other stuff her schedule would have been pretty choppy. She spent a lot of time sitting on the couch, in front of the TV, on her MacBook Pro, etc. She also spent time shopping with her friends for dorm room stuff. My wife and I work together, and our daughter came in a few days to help out.

 

When school started (she is 2 hours away) it was a new world. She joined the sorority she wanted to, and she learned a lot from her peers. She is prudent with her money, and we review her credit card statements with her. The first year was very tough on her. Lots of social activities (she is not a partier) and she never figured out how hard she needed to study to get the grades she did in High school. She was an A-B student and the time commitment to do that in college is way more. She ended up changing her major 3 times as she slowly figured out what she wanted to do.

 

It is critical as a parent to back off and let them figure this stuff out on their own. I'm better at this than my wife. Unless they are being destructive, don't be too concerned.

 

She just finished her second year at Univ of Florida. She is a different person now. Her study schedule is very heavy, and she is very committed to doing well. She is well aware on her own of the requirements to enter the Masters Program in Occupational Therapy. She knows exactly what courses she needs to take and what her GPA needs to be. I am really proud of her. We've always had a great relationship, but it is even better now.

 

She took it upon herself to research volunteer opportunities this summer. I felt it was better than a restaurant or retail job. She did the research, interviewed, and had her first day in the Adult Movement Disorders Clinic at Shands. She is working with Parkinson's patients and really enjoyed her first day. The older patients love the young volunteers. It is truly a great experience for her.

 

This is a far cry from when she sat on her butt that summer 2 years ago. Give it time and set a good example. Think back to some of the stupid stuff you never thought she would grow out of and how silly your concerns were.

 

Hope this helps. Be there to help, but they have to figure it out on their own. Good luck!

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apollo322
While I generally agree with the view of other parents here about rules and boundaries and the need to promote independence, there was something in what you said that I just honed in on. No cell phone for 6 months and no problem for her? She doesn't need much other than room and board? These are not typical attributes of your average teenager especially one that is past the gawky mid teen years. Does she go out and socialise with friends or is lack of money an excuse? Have a wider look at her patterns of behaviour, yes she could just need some tough love but also be aware that teenage years can be the beginnings of some deeper issues and depression often goes undiagnosed amongst teenagers. Unfortunately things like spending time alone in a bedroom, being antisocial and unmotivated are considered normal in teenagers. They rarely are. Even without depression social insecurities can be crippling for some young people. I don’t want to alarm you but I feel a need to just suggest that you keep a vigilant parental eye out for other possibilities. Hey if I’ve completely misread it please don’t take offence and I hope there’s no harm done in suggesting alternatives. Really hoping she’s just being a bit lazy.

 

 

She's got a real good point. Maybe the lack of interest I finding work is fear of the unknown/ new social group or just general depression. It's worth talking about. Can't remember one 19 year old girl I've ever met recently without a phone. Hey god bless if she's just a bohemian and doesn't care for all that stuff, THAT'S healthy, but it would concern me too

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patricia52

Wish someone would support me while I sit home everyday. No I would be bored to tears. I have worked public jobs since I was 16. Before that I helped on farms or picked and sold berries to help buy my school clothes and supplies. I worked a full- time job and and took a full load of college classes while raising 2 boys and made the deans list. My mother did provide free babysitting. What I'm saying is hard work is good for us. Help her grow up. There is still farmers who need help and people who need house work done or someone to do thir shopping. If you ask around, you can find her some odd jobs to get her started.

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jwags

I think working when you are a teenager helps you to get along with all sorts of people. I started bsnysitting at 13. I think I got paid 50 cents an hour. The summer before college I got a job in the West Point Laundry pressing cadets uniforms. I only did it for the summer but many women worked there full time. The next summer I worked my way up to tying boxes and then finally working in the office. I went to college 7 hours away and had to work for spending money on weekends. I worked in the Library but most of my friends worked in the dining halls.I think working while in college helps you with Time management. I took 5 courses, studied 5-6 hours a day, volunteered with inner city kids, worked and still had time to hang out with friends. Working is part of growing up.

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MsMarginalized
...Working is part of growing up.

 

 

Hmmmm, my 19 y/old DD is in a very similar situation. I was beginning to pull my hair out & DH told me to back off (one of the hardest things I've EVER done!) But, I'm more relaxed now and that's a good thing!

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Peggy_TX
First year of a 4 year geology degree at McGill Starting in September.

I'm thinking if she's too shy or intimidated or lacking in self esteem or motivation to apply for a summer job whats she going to do when college is over and its time for the big jobs and whats she going to say when an interviewer asks her what job experience do you have? Saying sheis 24yrs old and has never worked but can play a mean video game wont portray a solid work ethic to most companies.

It sounds like the $$ isn't the issue -- it's the lack of her doing something productive.

How about helping her find a place to VOLUNTEER her time. This way she isn't applying for something where she fears rejections. She can also do a darn good job of polishing up a resume. From an employers perspective, work experience and references are all that counts -- they won't care whether she was paid to do things, just that she did them.

I'm sure there has to be SOMETHING she cares about (politics? environment? the homeless? pets?) with a non-profit that needs help.

Once she gets involved in something, she's going to start figuring out what she enjoys doing, what her strengths are, etc.

Yes, these will likely have NOTHING to do with geology (unless she can find a park that needs some rock cleaning!) -- but it's often more important to figure out whether you enjoy working in teams or alone, whether you like desk work vs activity, etc etc. The particulars will develop in time. (but nothing will develop on the couch!!)

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MCS

We didn't have any trouble with our kids with summer work. But I will tell you my parents told me when I was that age, if your going to college you ned money to spend, don't think your going to spend my money on booze and girls. If your not going to college you need a job because we are going to charge you rent to live here. That was motivation enough for me to get a job and go to college.

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jambo101

Long time ago we started an educational fund for our kids, when they reach college age they get a check for $5000 for every year they are in college and in Quebec that includes CGEP that she has just finished her second year, so using the money angle has little in the way of a motivational factor as she's probably got more money than i do.lol

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jwags

We also had college funds but it only went to pay tution, computers and books. It never went for spending money. If they wanted spending money they had to work. We would even pay them for cutting grass, spreading mulch, raking leaves, painting rooms, etc. Sometimes my kids did house sitting.

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jambo101

She did buy her laptop and paid all college (CGEP) related expenses with the fund money but as yet there have been no college related tuition fees and when she does start at McGill its only $1300 per semester, She has the money to buy a phone but she does most of her communicating on her laptop,she buys her own bus pass and i found out she is doing her big sisters laundry for a small financial recompense :D

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