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Pitt

Severely obese, hip replacement needed, diabetic

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Pitt

Hi everyone,

I am at a complete loss as to how to help my boyfriend of a couple of years now. He is severely obese, has had one hip replacement a few year back ( before me) and is in bad need of another one. He is a great guy who is kind, loving and always put's everyone's need before his own. He has four children and his own business. It's immensely hard for him to work for long hours as he is using crutches to assist him walking. Therefore he is mostly in a sitting/standing position without very much exercise other than some gardening and renovating our home. 

Today, after he had asked me I went to his PC with him for a test of his A1C. It's at 9 where the doctor wants to see 7.5 before the surgeon even considers any kind of hip surgery.

I don't know what else to do, we do not live together as of yet, but it pretty much feels like it a lot of the time. I feel like I am the enabler if I "give in" to physical advances. I want him to want to take care of himself so we will be able to enjoy ourselves in many aspects not just the physical one.

He feels embarrassed about me trying to raise the subject, I think he's just tired of hearing about it, I get it...it get's old. Well, for me as well. I would like to see my partner being capable of his full potential. Nothing is wrong with that. He does not have to settle for that and I don't want to give my soulmate up.

Any advice you have to give on how to deal with such a stubborn, loving, amazing, prideful male?

Thank you kindly,

Sunnysideup

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Kit

Hi Sunnysideup, welcome to the group.

 

It is difficult caring for someone who refuses to care for themselves.  Sadly, there's nothing you can do to make him do so.  There might be some ways you could help though.

 

One way might be to try to prepare some good low carb meals for him.  Maybe if he sees they can be enjoyable, he'll be more open to doing them on his own as well.  Check out our recipe section.  There are a lot of good recipes, discussions, and links to recipe sites where you may find things he will enjoy.

 

Maybe he would be interested in joining us here, or even just reading through our conversations.

 

I wish you luck.  Feel free to ask any questions you might have.

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adiantum

Welcome Sunnyside up.

 

Diabetes is frustration for both you & him & I do hope he will join us here himself one day.

 

If he's had the professionals advise him of his dietary needs then it's no wonder he is having a hard time.

They advocate consuming an enormous amount of carbs.

 

If he's on insulin & still following their diet then the weight will just pour on.

 

They even advise as little to zero fat which will just have the diabetic in a stage of absolute hunger .

 

Do feel free to ask any questions & read of some of the awesome meals we can & do  eat..check the recipes out.

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samuraiguy

Welcome to the forums. People change their habits because of greed or fear of loss. They see something they can gain and are willing to pay the price so change their habits to achieve it or have something so horrible happen that they fear they will lose something--often their life--if they don't make some changes. Unfortunately most people choose the later because only about 20% of people are intentional about their life direction. Most people don't want to leave their comfort zone unless they see a benefit so the best you can do is get him to focus more on those benefits, i.e. longer life with his children, being more mobile and independent, etc... Being a former morbidly obese person it came down to setting some weight loss and A1C goals and then coming up with a daily plan to achieve them. He is a business owner so he should be used to setting deadlines and assessing progress quarterly  so perhaps setting up a three month cycle of weight loss and A1C goals may work for him, i.e. in three months 25 pounds loss and A1C below 8.

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Pitt

Good morning,

thank you for the warm welcome and for the advice. He is a great chef and pretty much knows what is good for him, not falling for the carb thing, I am a chef as well and trying to steer him into the right direction for some things. He is able to do great, WHEN and IF HE wants to. The challenge is he becomes as timid as a mouse sometimes displaying the need "I need someone to look after me etc" I can't make him want the change, it's been a merry go round for some time now and I have suggested that aside from looking at portion control and better food choices he should talk to therapist aside from his dietitian once a week as there are some old issues he is dealing with that I fear "enable" him as well to feel sorry for himself. He knows exactly what he should do when, but is sabotaging himself as soon as he feels "hurt".

I've been tiptoeing around him being careful for a long time now, but it's no way to be.

Also, even though I don't plan on ever marry again, this very much feels like being married and I do not see leaving/breaking up on my part as an option. However this round and round is getting old and I am not sure from what angle to approach it any longer.

It's taking away huge chunks of quality of life, job, sex life, ability to go places, and his own self respect. He needs to feel secure and happy, I get that....as soon as he does though.......life goes back to "this normal happy state" for him, which is just not working.

What a messy merry go round, not a good example to the kids as well, even though he's the best father any kid would want to have!

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Kit

Oh god, he's not payinh attention to a dietician is he? If i was still doing that I would either be in no better shape than him or have blown my brains out by now. Weekly visits! oh that poor man.

 

Seriously, take a look at the lchf (keto) diet. I went from an A1C of 10. 4 to 5.2 in 6 months primarily because of it.

 

We've a member here (Mike) who lost 100 pounds using it. He went from not very active to running and biking. His posts about his adventures are very inspiring.

 

Dinner tonight in going to try grilling again (recovering from a broken ankle and still on crutches). Ribeye steak with a mushroom cream sauce and served with an avocado, tomato, and cucumber salad. Hopefully today's heat won't drain the motivation out of me.

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meyery2k

Kit - Thank you for the kind words!

 

Pitt - I do empathize with you.  My children watched me not take care of myself for a long period of time.  I do know both sides of this coin well.  I would not change until I decided to change.  As much as I would deny, I knew I was not healthy.

 

Being diagnosed with diabetes was my motivation.  As samuraiguy posted, fear of loss (of my feet), was the catalyst.  My feet were fine but I did not want to lose them  I have seen this happen to friends and family and I know what a painful, ugly, smelly process it is.  We had a family member that the children did not want to visit and I did not want to be that person.  Harsh?  Yes, but truth can be harsh indeed.  

 

I decided I would walk my feet off before any diabetes would take them from me.  I found this forum and the adventure of a lifetime has started and continues.

 

Your boyfriend ultimately has to decide to make the changes to find a path that he can stay on.  It is a very difficult process and, yes, it is easier said than done.  Even today, I have to struggle with portion control at times when I eat.  

 

With the hips, exercise may be difficult but any movement is good movement from the perspective of glucose usage.  

 

With the diet, small changes worked for me.  The success I saw motivated me to push it more and the end results have been amazing.  I do things at 50 that I simply could not do when I was 40.  To paraphrase the cyclists, a 100 mile ride is done one mile at a time.  Some are easier, some are harder, but the ride is done one mile at a time.  I can tell you in my own experience that those first few miles are the toughest whether it is cycling or dieting.

 

I hope, in time, that your boyfriend can be encouraged to pay us a visit and see what people have actually done here.  Yes, I have done a big job with myself but this is because others here have done it and shared.  This whole forum shares my success and is responsible for it.  Without this forum, I would not have made it this far.

 

Check out the recipes here and you will find that you can eat better tasting and better quality food than ever.  

 

I do hope that you will continue to visit and post progress reports about you and your boyfriend.  You will find no better advice than what is here.  Real people that live with diabetes (and live well in many case) everyday for years. ~ Mike

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OneEye

I'd like to say that I think you're very courageous for inserting yourself into all this. You've gotten very good feedback on this, so far. As a student of life, I'm 74, may I suggest that you set a program up that shows positive, weekly/monthly results...with no excuses. When there's emotion involved in solving and managing problems you can get caught up in the process and lose track of who you are in all this. It's your life, too. Don't lose YOU!

 

Good luck! :top:

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Dave_KC

I appreciate all that everyone has shared here, and agree very much that there's great potential, but not if your boyfriend doesn't want to make it happen.  

 

I'm down 50 lbs from might recent highest, and actually had weight loss as a symptom of diabetes.  On top of that, when I realized the disease, I got very serious on the diet (driving my wife nuts in the process) but I'm now done a good 50 lbs, and dropped my A1c from 12.6 last November to 5.0 in May.  He can do this, but only if he wants to do it.  

 

You can (and should) encourage him toward these changes and seeing progress.  But if he doesn't want to change, he won't change.  

 

My motivation is that I'm 50, but I have two daughters, who are 10 and 7, and along with my wife, I want to be there for them, to walk them down the aisle, to watch them graduate from High School and hopefully college.  That's a long term carrot out there to chase, and keep my eyes on the prize, when that tempting piece of cake or other useless carb is shoved in front of my face.  

 

It can be done, but only if he wants to do it.

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