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VivianLeslie10

Frustrated, Guilty and Sad!

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VivianLeslie10

Hi everyone, my huaband was disgnosed with Type 2 in 2005 as well as high blood pressure.  The first 2 years he was excellent, checked his sugars, watched his diet, ate regularly.  I must add that it was a first for him to be so diligent.  We went to the seminars together and I thought to myself..."he can do this!"  It did not last and he quickly fell off the wagon, back to breakfast most of the time, no lunch, sometimes supper, snacking on chips and pepperoni) drinking beer and wine, diet coke is his only concession now that I can see.  He takes his meds when he remembers, no exercise, mood swings and more neuropathic issues with his feet.   He hasn't used a meter or strips in 4 years.  We retired to Costa Rica in 2014 and he can buy his meds over the counter so no need to check in with a doctor and meds are pretty cheap.  At 5 or 6 on most days he is spoiling for a verbal argument so am learning to just tune out.   I think he is now showing signs of gastroparesis and he finally says to me today that his feet are extremely painful and numb and he has lumps on his feet so it is difficult to walk.  He refuses to go to a doctor and does not want to discuss his health at all.  I am angry, frustrated and feel guilty as I am losing any sense of sympathy because of his inability to at least attempt to manage his symptoms.  I am sad because the retirement he worked so hard for is not enjoyable for either of us.  If there is anyone else in a similar situation, how do you deal with it?????

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meyery2k

@VivianLeslie10 - Welcome.  Yes, being with someone that chooses not to take care of themselves can be difficult.  I have been on both sides of that fence.

 

My mother suffered with depression and would not take care of herself.  To make a long story short, I had to let it go.  It was the most difficult thing I had to do.  If I had not, I would have gone crazy.  We were fortunate.  We were able to mend some fences before she passed away.  

 

 

Before being diagnosed with diabetes, I let myself go.  Obese, no doctor's visits, sedentary.  I had a skin cancer on my face that I let go for years.  My family begged me to see the doctor and I simply would not.  My youngest daughter was the only one to keep on me and she was ready to throw in the towel too.  She actually made an appointment for me to see a GP as my "assistant".  That brought home to me that I was doing the same thing to my family that my Mom did to me.  I was ashamed and decided to go to the doctor and just deal with whatever came of it.  The diabetes diagnosis was a surprise.  That woke me up and I now take care of myself.

 

Having been on both sides, I can offer sympathy and support.  Advice, not so much.  When I was not listening, I chose to not listen and nothing short of a wake up call would change that.  I would counsel to offer as much sympathy and support as your husband will accept and you are able to give.  At the end of the day, he has chosen to not take care of himself.  Remember that it was his choice and this is not your fault in any way.  You should feel no guilt for his actions.

 

Enjoy your retirement.  Do not allow your husband to make you regret it.  Make friends, develop some hobbies and interests that take you outside of the situation once in a while.

 

Costa Rica must be a wonderful place to live!

 

I hope you decide to join us.  You will find great advice here and great people.  Perhaps, in time, if your husband chooses to try to live with diabetes, he too will find us welcoming and understanding. ~ Mike

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adiantum

Hi , Welcome to the forum .It is sad that your hubster is suffering when all he needs to do is change his approach.

 

I dont understand the 5 or 6 as they seem good figures if its his A1c or his blood glucose after fasting or 2 hours after a meal.

OR is it 5 or 6pm when he's wearing his cranky pants?

If I was to stick to the diet those seminars recommend I too would fall off the wagon... or jump.

The so called authorities are too afraid to look outside the square & see that theyve got it all wrong.

Fat is not the enemy.........carbs are.

Many of us here have lived successfully for years with diabetes , some with meds but not all of is.

There is so much information in this forum that  will help your husband .

If he can stick to a new diet which will reduce his carb intake ,  he could find that neuropathy in his feet will go away.

It did mine.

You can help with his food choices. Make cheese crackers which are nicer then chips.

Breakfast is great.. as long as its very low carb.

Pepperoni, wine & beer are also fine although there may be many carbs in the beer. Whiskey works for me.

 

Can you get him to read some of the threads on this forum.? we're an OK group that genuinely cares for each other.

 

Try to get him to move as the circulation is important. Keeping that blood free from sticky glucose will help  it to  flow freely.

Water is also important. 

 

The cheese crackers I mentioned are easy to make & taste amazingly good.

on baking paper, place spoonfulls  of parmesan cheese & microwave it 1 minute. Time does change according to your microwave.

Eggs, cheese, meat..even fatty meat, chicken, fish, cream, non root vegetables are all on the good to eat list.

Avoid fruit,rice,pasta , anything made of flour.

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dowling gram

I and others here have seen the effects of out of control diabetes in our relatives and that keeps us going in the right direction. Your husband hasn't seen what we've seen or he would not be behaving the way he does.

My feet, kidneys and eyes are more important to me than what I put in my mouth.

 

Unless your husband changes his lifestyle that foot pain will get worse and he may lose his feet from gangrene. That happened to my FIL. He needs a wake-up call but how you'd go about it I can't tell you. You can't force someone to change unless they want to.

 

My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a way to help him gain control and get his life back

Edited by dowling gram

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Kit

Hi Vivian, welcome to the group.

 

High and/or wildly fluctuating blood glucose levels can affect our moods.  This may very well be the reason why he seems spoiling for an argument in the evenings.  Its actually a very common theme mentioned by spouses when they come here asking for advice for their loved ones.

 

It sounds to me like he really burnt out.  I can understand that.  And once you burn out, it can be, in some ways, even more difficult to get back on.

 

There's a fascinating Ted talk I ran across last week which talks a bit on the subject.  Note:  The title doesn't directly apply to the content of the video.

 

 

Sadly, we can't force a grown adult to take care of themselves.  All you can do if offer support and be there for when they finally decide to do so.

 

I watched my brother basically die a horrible death from diabetes complications.  I won't go into the whole story here.  Its long and depressing.  I still have the voice mail message he left for me the day before he died.  He'd just come home with his prosthesis and he was excited.  He wanted me to go back and visit after he had gotten good with it.  He wanted to take me out to dinner.  I can't delete the message.

 

But it did turn into the best motivating factor I could have.  Because of him, I grabbed the bull by the horns and took control.  Yeah, giving up beloved foods (I miss beans and cornbread so badly sometimes) can be difficult.  Turning your lifestyle upside down is really difficult.

 

Now, it is possible that a change of tactics might help.  If you were doing everything by the book, well its no wonder he lunged off the wagon.  Its very difficult.  I personally follow a lchf (low carb\high fat) diet.  Carbs have a very direct and real affect on our blood glucose levels.  Protein can have a much smaller affect.  Dietary fat has next to no affect on our BG levels at all.  So I have learned to embrace it.

 

So, chips are still out, pepperoni is in.  Cover a baking tray will parchment paper, lay out slices of pepperoni, top with a piece of mozzarella cheese, and bake until the cheese is melted.  The pepperoni will get crisp.  Dip in a marinara sauce.  My husband doesn't eat like me, but he loves those as treats.

 

Beer is still out (has a lot of carbs).  Dry white or red wines are in in moderation.  Hard alcohol is also in, though most mixers have a lot of sugar in them.  Liquors do as well.

 

You don't have to eat three times a day.  For breakfast, give him a plate of bacon and eggs, or an omelet, or something similar.  Drop the toast, pancakes, and similar.  There are also alternative recipes for those types of items using alternative flours, but I'm going to skip those for now.

 

I personally don't like snacking in place of meals.  I'm way too likely to over eat that way, but we have members here who just lightly graze over the course of the day.  There is no one size fits all solution.  Funny the doctors tell us that and then promptly give us all the exact same diets.  :)  I've been known to make a lunch our of cheese, salami, a few sliced strawberries, a few radishes, a couple cherry tomatoes, and some cucumber.  I really needed to go to the store.  :)

 

So maybe it might help to introduce some really low carb meals that he might enjoy, kind of on the quiet.  Check our recipe section for ideas.  You'll find recipes, links to recipe sites, and so much more.  I'm sure you might find something he would like.  Introduce some of these meals and maybe he might be willing to get on board, especially if it reduces his carb intake.  It should help lower his numbers a bit.  Once that happens, he might feel and think better, and that will be motivation for him.

 

Feel free to stick around.  Having a support group can be so helpful, and the information  available here can be so helpful.

 

I wish you the best.

 

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dowling gram

Kit-- As usual you hit the nail right on the head with sage advice. I hope vivianleslie10 will follow your advice.

I'll add a few sites I visit for recipes. "All day I dream About Food" and "I breath I'm hungry" Both are excellent sources of recipes. There are many on line including keto sites that offer low carb recipe options.

 

I make zucchini chips and roasted nuts for snacks-- both recipes I got on line but I think I'll try those pepperoni snacks. They sound interesting and yummy

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VivianLeslie10

Thanks for your thoughts and helpful comments.  Recipes are good and I really like the pepperoni and mozza as well as the parmesan crackers recipes which I will try.  It makes it more difficult because he has always been a picky eater but now with the gastroparesis symptoms, it is unimaginably tough with acid indigestion, feeling full and rarely feeling hungry.  Quite often he will eat half or a third of supper and throw the rest out.  It is a relief to know that although he is not eating much that the pepperoni, dry white wine and bacon and eggs are still beneficial!  LOL  I do not know what his A1c's are as he has not been testing since we left Canada 4 years ago.  He has been to a walk in clinic 3 times in 4 years and his A1c has been within appropriate levels as well as his BP so I think HE thinks that validates it all somehow!  🤔🙄 

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VivianLeslie10

Thanks so much!!!  Makes my whole day seem brighter already!!!!   :DYeah picky eater doesn't cover it!!! :wacko:I made a list on an extremely frustrating day when husband wouldn't eat a steak because I had marinated it nor the macaroni salad because it had veggies in it.  There are more food items he won't eat than he would eat.  The saving grace is that he doesn't like fruit, root vegetables, rice, most breads, cake, pastry, sweets or chocolate.   LOL  But bring on the pasta, fried chicken, pepperoni, bacon and cheese!!  :P  Going to go look at some Keto recipes and do a bit of shopping!!  On a side note, husband took some Tramaset last night for neuropathic pain.  Pills are 5 years old......hhhmmmm!  😱😖

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meyery2k

One thing that helped me when adopting to less carbs was frying things in almond or coconut flour.  Coconut flour works really well once you get used to working with it.  It is incredibly absorbent. 

 

I can make a wicked chicken fired steak with it.  Heavy Whipping Cream makes the base for a nice thick gravy.  2 sunny side up eggs on the side.  Oh boy, I just got up for work and now I am starving :) 

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Kit

There are a number of alternative breading possibilities for things like fried chicken.  or, you can do what I do, and just don't bother breading it at all.  I just season it and fry.  The skin comes out nice and crispy.

 

One of my favorites is to season with salt, pepper, and paprika.  Then, using heavy whipping cream, I will thicken the fat left in the pan to make a gravy.  Yum!

 

He sounds a lot like my husband.  He won't eat a sandwich is a piece of lettuce has even touched the bread at some point in the past.  I swear he's almost as bad as my nephew was at age 5.  :D

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dowling gram

The breading I use for fried chicken is delicious and low carb too. I use vital wheat gluten (but you could use coconut flour--just be aware that coconut flour tends to absorb liquids) and Parmesan cheese--more cheese than the vital wheat gluten and salt and pepper and an egg wash with cream. I double dip the chicken first in the dry, then in the egg and back in the dry and fry it in hot oil. It makes a crisp coating. and works on any meat you want to bread. My sister who is not diabetic uses the same recipe but uses fine bread crumbs instead of the vital wheat gluten.

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VivianLeslie10

Where do you find vital wheat gluten???   Picky husband would object to any coconut or almond flavour!   Vital what gluten would probably taste more like flour, right?

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Kit

Oh, that reminds me.  keto Connect did a review video where they evaluated some different breading options for fried chicken.  You might find it interesting.

 

 

Vital wheat gluten isn't one of them.  I haven't tried it myself, but I would assume it would have more of a wheat flour taste.

 

I almost forgot to add.  I've also seen psyllium husk powder used for breading.  1 Tbsp is 8g of carbs, but 7 of those are fiber.

Edited by Kit

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dowling gram
3 hours ago, VivianLeslie10 said:

Where do you find vital wheat gluten???   Picky husband would object to any coconut or almond flavour!   Vital what gluten would probably taste more like flour, right?

 Yes It is an additive a lot of bread bakers use. Bob's red mill products are sold just about everywhere. Mostly in large grocery stores. You may have to look in the organic foods section that's where it is in my grocery but sometimes it is in the baking aisle. Mostly I buy bob's red mill vital wheat gluten at Walmart on line or in the store. Look for a bunch of smaller clear plastic bags with different specialty items. They are usually together in a display carton

Vital wheat gluten has 4g carbs in 1/4 cup. With that amount and about 1/3 cup or more of Parmesan cheese that's enough to bread 4 chicken cutlets

Edited by dowling gram

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Dave_KC

As others have said, you can't fix someone who won't be fixed.  

 

I'm really sorry about this, but the hope would be that he sees and desires to change.  If he does, great.  If not, you can't resolve it for him. 

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